X-Force #1

Yeah, X-Force #10 literally just came out, but here I am recapping the first issue from November 2019, because I AM BEHIND. It’s a pandemic, okay? And I also recently got into Dune. So that’s been a whole thing.

X-Force #1 is a new Diddy by Benjamin Percy and Johnathan Hickman.

So, like, let’s recap it shall we?

First there is this meeting of pureblood muggles who hate mutants and they want to discuss how to kill all the filthy mutants but first they need to take a blood test, because if someone inside the meeting has mutant blood they have to kill them.

So, this was back in November 2019 right? I HAVE to assume that’s where all the supplies for virus testing went and that’s why it took 6 months to get COVID-19 tests to America. WOW. The more you know.

Back to the scene, obviously there’s a mutant here, cause there is one bitch in this creepy ass masked crowd who is like heheheh, I’m wearing gloves, so blood testing is, er, not easy with those on, aye?

Then she jumps up and beats everyone to death! Just kidding they beat HER up. And who is it? It’s Domino! WHOAAA.

Movie voice: Everything was going according to plan, until her lucky streak ran cold.

I literally just got my hair done, can you not push my head onto the floor? Like wtf?

MEANWHILE,

The Beast and Wolverine are on Krakoa, this island of mutants and monsters which we already know about because I recapped Cable #1.

Beast is following monsters around for science, not for a lay. Wolverine is beating up monsters for sport, so they disagree about stuff. THAT’S IT.

Of course the Beast is soft, look at the fur. FLUFFY AF.

Next scene, Black Tom Cassidy is now a plankton. He straight up just listens to plants all day as they crawl over his body making him look like he needs a shower.

The plants tell him that Kitty Pryde is arriving on a giant ship for some reason with a bunch of mutant refugees.

Why is she standing like that? When did Kitty become Jack Sparrow?

There’s a scene after this of some large guy getting on a plane.

Does this picture make you want to lick your finger and rub it across this guy’s black dot on his forehead? No? Just me. Fine.

So then, Sage and Charles Xavier are hanging out and Sage is like “I dunno where Domino is.” And Charles is like “Okay, then, bye.” Then he walks through a mirror and ends up at a party in Sokovia where he immediately starts chugging champagne. This guy can live!

Back on the plane with the mole guy, they hit some turbulence and everyone freaks out and grabs that air thing that falls from the top when you’re in an airplane? What the hell is that called? The thing where they tell you to put your on before you put it on your own baby? Because baby can hold their breathe longer or something? Yeah that thing. Anyways, I digress. Mole man does not put the air thingy on his face and instead him and some other muscle dudes get together and take off all their clothes.

Then they put on new clothes and jump out of a plane.

Sexy Time.

These dude bros are headed for Krakoa. Charles Xavier returns from his party and he’s wasted, and Tom Cassidy is like, “the Earth is telling me things are getting weird, bro.”

And Charles is like, “is this about the refugees, bro? Cause that’s fucked up, and Sage deals with that anyways. Do you like your job? Because a lot of people don’t like that you have it, bro.”

Then Tom is like “BRO! RUN!!”

Cause the muscle dudes are shooting at everyone.

So they run and things like “BUDDA BUDDA” and “KROOM” are littered across the pages.

Then for some reason, Black Tom lets everyone know that his genitals stink?

There’s got to be an ointment for that.

The island of Krakoa does some fun shit, like come up and strangle bad guys with its vines. Then Charles ends up in the middle of a clearing and he puts his hands up in surrender and then one of the dudes shoots him and everyone is like “GASP” and “NOT AGAIN!” and “HE JUST STARTED WALKING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?”

And then Sage, who was not fighting at all and in some room somewhere is like “Hey guys, are you there? I can’t feel Charles anymore, how is this possible?”

And it’s like, damn Sage, you can’t figure out why his spirit disappeared from your radar while there are explosions all over the island? She stupid.

AND THAT WAS IT!

Killing off your main character in the first book was stolen right from George R.R. Martin, but I guess it’s fine. All ideas are borrowed anyway right?

What did ya’ll think of this issue? What did ya’ll think of this recap? Let me know in the comments below who you think the dumbest a-hole is in this issue. Is it Black Tom for referring to himself in third person?  Charles Xavier for getting his ass shot and killed again? Or Piotr for still hanging out with Kitty Pryde?