She-Hulk Episode 2 :Superhuman Law.

Welcome My Comic Book Bitches to another episode of How the Green Grass Mows.

If you’re looking for the episode 1 recap, let me save you five minutes of your life, it’s not there! But I will recap it if ya ask realllll nicely.

Episode 2 begins with a recap of episode 1 and it goes a little something like this:

This short, white girl shared needles with her cousin, then he took her to the beach because she turned tall and green.

Jumping into episode 2 we are shown a montage of news outlets talking about the widdle lawyer that stopped a superpowered influencer from destroying a court room. The News outlets dub her “She-Hulk” which Jennifer Walters doesn’t like, so in order to forget her pain she goes to her favorite after work watering hole.

A small feeble “man” walks over to Jennifer in her Hulk form, and begins needling her endlessly like a toddler trying to tell someone an uninteresting story. I know your story is gonna such toddler, you literally don’t leave your house.

Yawn, bitch.

Another small man walks over to Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form and his dick fully regresses into his stomach. He then asks her to make herself smaller, which is like such an old white man thing to do to a woman, and then proceeds to fire her for doing the right thing. His tiny dick pokes back out of himself and hangs sadly, as he proceeds to walk away from her after ruining her life for doing the right thing.

NOTHER MONTAGE TIME!!! This time Jennifer is out trying to get a job and she is turned down at every interview for being She-Hulk. UM MCCUSE ME, BITCH? WHY DID YOU EVEN CALL THIS POOR WOMEN IN FOR AN INTERVIEW IF YOU’RE GOING TO TELL HER THAT SHE HAS SUPERPOWERS SO YOU DON’T WANT HER.

Some things can be emails, ok?

Jenny and her bestie, Nikki, are hangin on the couch looking for jobs, because Nikki is a paralegal, and apparently a highly paid one because she is DRESSED to impress, ok? I thought those people made $15/hr and her outfit is looking like $15 a second. Jennifer gets a text from her mom about a family dinner so cut to family dinner.

Jennifer’s family is weird, and trying too hard to be funny. Ched especially has issues and seems like he missed a dose of one of his medications today.

Her whole family is very interested in her being She-Hulk and offer her advice and also ask her questions about superheroes she’s never met, or I assume hasn’t. Her father asks her if Hawkeye goes around collecting the arrows he used after he’s done with them, and to that I say, you clearly did not watch The Hawkeye series on Disney+ old man, because you would have seen that he does indeed pick them up and use them again.

Next scene, oh look she’s drinking again. -_-

Oh look she’s employed again!

The moral of this episode is that if you get fired, just go out to the bar by yourself and drink your worries away because a random man will come up to you, buy you another drink to get you more sloshy and offer you a job! Now this is the stuff of Disney dreams.

At She-Hulk’s new job, they surprise her by telling her that she has to be in She-Hulk form all the time, which as there was no interview and she accepted without any hesitation or hearing details, she was acting surprisingly pretty surprised about it. The best part of this scene is Pug. Pug is an actor whose name I don’t know, but I do know that he is in that show The Other Two and plays legitimately the same character in that show that he is portraying in this one. And I can’t complain because he is adorable in that show and he even gives the girls the map to the bathroom that is best for pooping and it is soooooo appreciated.

Pooping in an office is literally the number one issue I hear people who work in offices complain about so this is quite relatable to people who work in an office. I worked in an office for about three months once and when I pooped in the wrong bathroom I got so many dirty looks about it. I quickly learned that there was a correct toilet to poop in. So political in these offices. Yeesh.

I go where I go.

Jennifer gets assigned her first case and it is to Emil Blonsky, there is a bit of a conflict of interest there as he is The Abomination and tried to kill her own dear cousin, Bruce. Ofc, he is very charming and English accented now and no longer high on super soldier serum so he manages to turn Jennifer Walters to his side. And who can blame her? He is very charismatic.

IYKYK

Jen follows up with Bruce to see if it’s okay with him that she takes Emil on as a client, and Bruce reveals that he and the abomination have made up since their fight and Emil even wrote him a beautiful haiku.

Now putting behind a huge fight like that with someone that tried to take your life is pretty crazy, but that’s not the weird part the weird part is that Hulk was inside of a spaceship the whole time and then he jets off into space.

After She-Hulk accepts her job offer, her creepy boss tells her to turn on the news, and then she sees that people have finally seen Shang-Chi, even if they didn’t make it out to the theaters it’s been streaming long enough, and the world now knows about the Abomination cage fighting in China. The issue is, he broke out of jail to go to China. So that’s tough, but if you saw Shang-Chi then you know that it was actually Wong who broke him out of jail and sent him to cage fight. Which, like, if we get a Wong episode, I will shit. I won’t even use the map to find the good pooping bathroom, I will straight shit. Long Live Wong.

WONG (sorcerer) SUPREMACY!!!

Zaddy

Ms. Marvel Season 1 Episode 2 : Crushed

So last week, I watched the first episode of Ms. Marvel. I was never excited about this show in the first place because I am a crotchety, old man, but one of my friends said it was amazing so I was excited to watch.

I fucking hated episode 1.

But that could be because I am still a crotchety, old man. So here goes episode 2.

It starts by Kamala walking into school with some BDE. She isn’t the same shy weirdo she was before. Now she is a bad bitch taking control of her life.

She runs into a really hot dude in a meet cute type of way and they lock eyes for just an instant long enough for us to get the idea that she wants to bang this dude.

THEN her nerdy friend runs into her in a less cute way, and then as an audience we’re like, ohhhhhh okay. This is a Kim Possible / Ron thing.

Even when the main character is a hot woman, she still ends up with the fucking loser. Jesus can’t WE ever win?

Skinny white men winning even out here in Pakistani-led tv series. SMH.

K, the scene is bleeding into the next one. Kamala and her nerd friend are walking down the halls as the kids look at their phones, presumably, the budget Captain Marvel display has hit the YouTubes.

We’re introduced to another one of her friends, and maybe we met her last episode. I don’t remember and I don’t care to look into it.

The popular girl, Zoey who Kamala saved last episode is bragging about almost dying and she decides to throw a party to celebrate her suicide ideation. And Kamala and Krew don’t fuckin care, that is until Zoey invites the hot guy that Kamala had a meet cute with earlier.

WERE THEY EVEN FUCKING INVITED. HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?

CUT TO: Kamala is practicing with her new power bracelet, she almost kills her white boy best friend, Bruno, and she saves him just before she kills him, but in a sexy way. Cause she cuddles him to the ground and then lets her arm stay around his waist for just a second longer than necessary.

This teen girl horny af.

Insert Montage of Kamala practicing her powers.

Then next scene Kamala is going to church with her friend, Not-Bruno. And it seems that being a Sheikh ain’t cool for ladies, cause they have to hide behind a partition and sit on moldy carpet to pray. WTFFFFF

Turns out white men ain’t the only ones who are shitty! Brown men are terrible too!

GREAT!

K TIME FOR THE NERDS TO PARTAYYYY!!!!

At Zoe’s house there are children everywhere and there is a sexy grotto for some reason. Some dude gives Kamala a drink and tells her its orange juice, but it is mixed with vodka and she takes a sip and immediately asks if she is drunk.

Is anyone that innocent at 16? I’m truly wondering, because I certainly was NOT.

IRL footage of me in high-school.

ANYWAYS, the hot dude from the meet-cute earlier jumps from the top of a mountain in Zoey’s backyard into the sexy grotto, doing several flips in the air before he hits the water in a cringe-worthy belly flop.

He walks out of the water lookin all sexy with emoticons all around him before he ends up right in front of Kamala cause she is LUCKILY standing right on his shirt.

Unfortunately, the hot guy puts his shirt on and the cops come. Fortunately, hot guy has a car and he invites all the nerds to get in to escape the cops.

In the car ride, hot dude offers to take Kamala for a ride just them sometime and then they bond over Bollywood, and Bruno ain’t happy about it. I WONDER WHY.

Anyways, Hot Guy gives Kamala his number and offers to give her driving lessons. I’m sure that ain’t the only lesson he gonna give her. HEY-YOO

Next day at school Kamala has some issues with her powers and her nose turns into crystal. Luckily her best friend Nakia, who is super beautiful and fashionable btw hands her a tampon and everything is fine after that.

thx, but I use a menstrual cup because imma hero out here saving the environment

Meanwhile, Bruno is meeting with the school guidance counselor who has some good news. Bruno apparently applied for an immersion program at CalTech and he got in for next semester, but he doesn’t want to go cause it’s in California. WTF. Why you even apply then, idiot?

Bruno catches up with Kamala really quick to tell her about the CalTech thing, but she busy with the hot guy, Kamran.

THE NEXT SCENE MADE MY NERD BRAIN MELT BECAUSE KAMRAN AND KAMALA ARE DISCUSSING KINGO!!! THE FUCKING ETERNAL. The Eternal who dropped some comedic lines and dialogued plot points and then left the fucking battle…. BUT STILL I’M SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP! asdfghjkl!!!

Why ain’t you use them finger guns when it matter, bruh?

Kamala’s brudduh and fiancee catch Kamala in a diner with Kamran, and Kamala lies to her brother and says Kamran is their cousin, which is gross cause Kamran was all up on her and they looked like they were about to touch tongue tips just before he walked up. Luckily her dumb ass brother didn’t notice but, his fiancee knew wtf was up.

So like the next part of the episode is about how the bangle who gives her powers belonged to her great grandmother Aisha who brought great shame upon their family, and no one wants to fucking tell her about it. She asks her grandma about it, and her grandma is like “Meh, I don’t wanna talk right now I’m tryna eat some mangoes, dawg.” So Kamala is like, erm, ok, I’ll ask my mom and her mom is like, weirdly angry about her asking. She’s all “that bitch brought shame to our family, don’t even bring up that hoe, I stg, I will throw hands.” So Kamala is like, “cool! thanks for not being cryptic at all!”

Ugh this show is long, but I think it’s almost over.

Kamala and her fam bam are headed to this Sheikh partayyy. Nakia is campaigning to get on the board of the mosque, so she gotta hit up all the cliques within the community. Those cliques are described to us in the SAME EXACT WAY Janis Ian (dyke) explained the lunch tables at the cafeteria in Mean Girls.

rawr rawr

The Mosque Bros – bunch a hot hunks who like taking pictures of themselves and spinning basketballs on their fingers.

Pious Boys – Couple of nerds who are probably covert incels.

Sunday school Teachers – A semi-diverse group of old hags.

Insta Clique – a group of girls who don’t wear Hajibs and probably give BJs to the Mosque Bros after Sujud.

The Converts/Reverts- Three white people and a black guy who probably all married into the religion.

Mini Harami Girls – Okay, I literally googled this and Harami means coming from the Harem, which is like forbidden and banned. So these are some hoes.

The IlluminAunties – Illuminati of the 616 Universe. Busy bodies who probably have Steven Strange on speed dial.

hot gos? I’m in.

Cut To: Zoe Zimmer getting questioned by the DODC.

Scene: FUCK DA POLICE.

Cut To: Kamala talking to the IlluminAunties about her great grandmother, Aisha. These aunties love talking shit and she hears that Aisha was a hoe and had a secret family and was also a murderer.

Now that’s the type of hoe I do like.

While Kamala is talking to the aunties, a dumb ass is hanging out of a window taking pictures of himself, and then he falls out the window, but luckily he grabs onto some curtain and that keeps him from straight up dying. Giving Kamala the chance to save him. The save is pretty damn messy and the kid ends up hurting his ankle somehow. But he fell on his back on a car. IDK. Plot holes.

The cops that were questioning Zoe end up coming after Kamala after her stunt, cause like, her spot was BLOWING UP on IG.

She runs away and then a nice ass car pulls up to pick her ass up, and inside it’s Kamran, her kissing cousin and his mama, who looks exactly like her great grandma. So now, it’s less kissing cousins and more kissing your uncle. Soooo…yeah….

WUTTTTT.

Okay, I gotta say I like this show now. Sure it’s not as fast-paced as Loki or whateva but it’s a different type a show. For tweens n stuff. And I am forever in a failure to launch mode so I am down for it.

They need to make another teen show like this but sexy like Gossip Girl and RiverDale.

sexi.

For Peace and Justice, Seize the Enemy Pube!

Suicide Squad Blaze Issue #2 Comic Book Recap

Hello,

and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch. Today we will be talking about our childhood traumas.

Well, never mind, let’s talk about how this new Suicide Squad series is traumatizing me.

What an incredible first issue, if you missed it here’s what happened: There’s a new big bad guy and he’s like Superman but without any humanity. He doesn’t care about money or fame he just wants to watch the world burn. A la Joker I guess? That’s what I was getting anyways. So yeah, Amanda Waller gets called in and she’s like oh shit we gotta take down this motherfucker let me make some potion that can turn my group of evil superhumans into the most powerful beings on the planet!!!

For three months.

Then they die.

She goes to her A Team first, and they all turn her ass down. A-Team= Harley Quinn, King Shark, Peacemaker, and Boomerang.

So after being turned down Amanda goes with Plan B: Having a bunch of super criminals fight it out for the chance to die in three months. And also get super powers. 5 make the cut. one dies on the way,(Boris) and his power is spread out to the remaining 4. Also taking a bit more life from each of them.

This is when we meet the hero of our story, Michael Van Zandt, a sad man who bonnie and Clyde’d with the wrong lady, Tanya. Some crazy hoe who likes to use Michael. I think? Unsure at this point.

Issue 1 left us with 4 superpower criminals with a death wish, and 4 members of the A Team suicide squad.

So issue 2 begins with Amanda Waller having a chat with Superman about the big bad she has her goons fighting. And it’s really funny.

She said “Grow up, you fucking cartoon” lmao

Meanwhile, Superman is battling the metahuman gangsta on his own, and Tanya and Michael are boning. But then she decides she’s not into it and says let’s go to sleep. Also Michael has invisible arms. This is the worst superpower ever, but hopefully shit got better when Boris died.

So, Superman was able to find and battle the meta human because he ate Boris and Boris, well, all of them, had a radioactive isotope or some shit injected in them so they could track the meta human. They find this out, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re all going to die before the radiation poisoning gets to them anyway.

Wow what a fun story. This is one you can share with the kiddos. They’ll just love it.

Poor baby King Shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Waller tells them their next mission, and it goes like this

Waller: Find and destroy the meta human. And if there is a hostage, you know, pick him up, or whatever. NBD. Not saying THERE IS ONE, but you know just in case.

Tanya: You mean, Superman? The one you sent in after us? Pretty sure he’s dead cause Meta Human dude ripped out his spine.

Waller: How the fuck do you know that?

Michael: We have shared visions now.

Waller: Ah fuck.

On to the mission, they find Superman and he is FUCKED UP! But he said nffhhh. So he prolly still alive. The jerk. ANYWAYS, they sense the meta human coming home early and they release this gas that Waller gave them that will, idk, do something to the creature, but really it does nothing, spoiler. So the expendable super-powered criminals start fighting each other, except for ol’ Mikey, who just sits back crying and sobbing.

Oh no! That’s our hero! Sort of!

And what he looks like is just a regular ass dude, other than the fact that he is covered in blood and shit and has an erection… So I guess, yeah just a regular ass dude. Nevermind.

Tanya dips out of the fight to find Mike, and she’s all “I hit him really hard, but I feel nothing, I just WANNA FEEL. Wah.”

Then the creature is all “sniff, sniff, I wanna kill this hoe.”

Then Mikey is all, “Oh no you don’t! I like, love her or something!” Then he blasts the creature away.

So the creature decides to murder Boomerang instead! Weeee!!!!

Harley aborts the mission and Xavi, the latino, who hasn’t doesn’t much so far in this series gets a little too excited that he didn’t die and then starts to implode on himself. So Peacemaker gotta come in and start a “Frenzy” Which is the codeword to make King Shark go into a… frenzy. And he eats Xavi before he can explode. And then King Shark gets his powers. Which made me shed some tears, because I don’t want baby King Shark to die!!!! He’s too adorable and sweet to die! It’s not his fault he’s a fucking shark!!!! Ugh. I’m so mad rn.

He just wanna call his mawwmmy.

After this clusterfuck happens, we learn that the meta human…

A. Has the same parasite, Blaze, that the convicts were pumped with

B. He has a sister

C. He won’t die because his species is hardy enough to take the parasite.

D. His species is as of yet, unknown. But apparently not from Krypton, cause they coulda just shot some green bullets and the m’fer in that case.

After learning all of this BS, the criminals are rewarded with alcohol and narcotics. They party and shit, and Mikey dances with Harley and kisses her. So Harley bites him, but that’s not what hurts, what hurts is that she THERAPIZES the shit out of him after that. It was incredible.

Good pep talk, Harls!

On to the next mission, the squad is up after the Justice League took some hits by the creature, so it’s weakened, but their objective for this mission is different, instead of kill, kill, kill, it’s acquire a sample of DNA. Blood, stool, or hair. Whatever.

AND after Tanya confesses her love to Mikey, Peacemaker rips a pubic hair off of the creature and their mission is accomplished!

Oh and the creature gets Lucille. Who was this crazy girl I never mentioned, but she is crazy and shook a baby to death to get into jail. So. No harm, no foul.

Mission not over though, cause this is when all the shit hits the fan. As Lucille is struggling not to blow up, Peacemaker got hit by a stray bolt of lightning through his chest. Harley tries to get Mikey and Tanya to fight back, but Tanya is now a sniveling little wimp just like Mikey and refuses to fight. She just wants to be with her love, and now Mikey don’t love her cause HE IS THE PARASITE. He took everything from her and made her like him. What a bitch.

Moral of the story is, men are trash.

I really like this series.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch.

Simon Spurrier – writer

Aaron Campbell – artist

Jordie Bellaire – colorist.

And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

Dis daddy, ok?

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

You stink, you fucking twat!

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

Wook how wittle Wolverine is! ❤

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

He jumped, dummy.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

No caption needed for this one.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

Hey, you got some Schmutz on your face.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Um, can you please go fix your tie.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

DEADPOOL WAS GONNA BE IN THE SHANG-CHI CAGE FIGHTS

And They Fucking Thought They Could Get Away With It

New concept art from Shang-Chi and the legend of the ten rings revealed that Deadpool was supposed to make his big MCU debut and they fucking scrapped it!

I imagine whoever’s idea it was to put Deadpool in Shang-Chi got promoted, and whoever vetoed the idea got fired.

This image was created by Andrew Kim and depicts both Deadpool and Proxima Midnight duking it out in the art work. Nobody is really sure if the photo was just Kim dicking around and showing off The Golden Daggers Club and what kinda shit goes on there, or if it truly was supposed to be Deadpool instead of Abomination and Wong.

The main ish is that Proxima Midnight ain’t alive cause Tony killed them with the Infinity Stones. Soo….However I have a lot to say on this subject

1. um, that doesn’t matter because no one is really dead when it comes to comic book stuff
2. He could have been the one fighting Abomination
3. He could have fought literally anyone else
4. He could have fought Wong. I think we would all give our left kidneys for that fight.

Anyways, guess they had to introduce Abomination cause he is showing up in She-Hulk, so we had to be reminded that he’s still a thing. And Wong, well he’s just so damn lovable and cute why don’t they just throw him in one scene in every MCU movie like instead of Sam J?

All I want to know is, where the heck is Deadpool? Cause he did show up with Korg in a commercial announcing his MCU return. BUT WAS THAT IT? WAS THAT THE BIG OH IM DEADPOOL IM IN THE MCU LOOK AT ME AND KORG.

OMG. 5. He could have fought Korg!

Some people might be like, shut up hoe, stop complaining cause we are definitely getting a Deadpool 3 which is legit af. But to those people I say, you shut up you dumb hoe, I want to see Deadpool in the Multiverse of Madness! Maybe just running around in the X-Mansion feeding grapes to Colossus or something.

But Ryan Reynolds told us he’s not in the Doctah Strange movie. Which is like, do we believe him? I don’t know. Cause I trust that man with my life, but I also trusted Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire with my life as well, and look how that turned out.

I am a ghost.

Mmmmm yeah. K Bye.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Peacemaker Series First Thoughts

Hello, and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch.

Today we will be deep-diving into the premiere episode of the new Peacemaker series on HboMax.

And by deep-dive, I mean I am going to explain deeply shallow thoughts about the series with which I have no business discussing.

Now, if you haven’t seen the first episode of Peacemaker then just read this sloppily put together recap of the first episode first and then we’ll dive head-first into the shallow end of a concrete pool.

The series takes place pretty much immediately, or as much time as it takes a clavicle to be replaced in the human body, after Suicide Squad 2.

For my thoughts on Suicide Squad 2, listen to my podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra.

If you don’t want to listen to the podcast then here’s my thoughts: I fucking loved it. Except I hated Peacemaker, but in a love to hate way.

And I continue on my love to hate way about him on this series since he comes off as a lovable oaf despite him killing my best friend, Rick Flag.

SO! Peacemaker/ Chris has had his clavicle replaced, then he’s released and he’s like ummm, am I going back to prison? And he has no friends, so he asks this hospital janitor that he smoked pot with once if there’s cops out there. And there conversation goes like this.

Janitor: No, there’s no cops. Why?

Chris: Cause I was in prison for killing people.

Janitor: Oh why?

Chris: Cause I’m a superhero

Janitor: You have the wrong body type to be a superhero. And your face is at most 5/10.

Chris: I’m a fucking superhero!

Janitor: Aquaman is a superhero. And he’s gorgeous af. Have you seen that bod? That hair? That face? Yummm. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling? Did you hear that Jason Momoa is single?

Chris: Aquaman fucks women, men, and fish.

Janitor: No he doesn’t.

Chris: He gives the guy who works at the aquarium $50 every week and goes in the fish tanks and has his way with all the little fishies.

Janitor: Nah.

Chris: It’s true, I read it on Reddit.

Janitor: Wow, I just got the name of that site.

So no one, including any police, are there to take him so he goes back to his home, a nasty trailer, and he realizes his phone is still working which means he has been paying his cell phone bill from prison for four years, which means he ain’t got no money. Then these nerds from Suicide Squad 2 show up and are like, “hey you have to work with us or we will blow up your head.” So Chris is like, okay. Then he goes to his dad’s house to complain about his phone bill. His dad don’t give af, all he cares about is white supremacy.

Oh somewhere during this time we are introduced to Tastee from Orange is the New Black, she is married to a woman whose vagina we see in later episodes, and they are mothers to three small doggos who like to wear fancy sweaters.

AND she is Amanda Waller’s daughter. Which is like, oh wow Amanda Waller can’t be that bad, she is a mother and her daughter is awesome. But then you’re like ohhhh wait she is like super demented using Deadshot and Bloodsport’s daughters as collateral for getting them to work fer her. lmao.

K, so Chris gets a new helmet from his daddy, and his pet Eagly back and Eagly hugs him which is cute. Then he meets up with the nerds at a diner, and he calls a waitress sweet cheeks referring to her facial cheeks, but we all know that’s not what it means.

God this recap is so long. Okay so then Peacemaker follows the hot blonde nerd to a bar and tries to fuck her, she tells him off, but also says that he is handsome. And it’s like, no he fucking isn’t. Like yeah, he is tall and muscular, but that face. That is not a hot face. He has 2/3 I’ll give him that. And 2/4 if you count personality, but he ain’t hot. Like you need at least a 3/4 to be hot. Some might argue with me that personality doesn’t matter when it comes to hotness, but as a straight woman I can tell you that with the filth I deal with on a daily basis a nice personality really does come in handy. But I digress.

Anyways, blonde nerd leaves and Peacemaker finds some white trash to bone, and that’s great for him. He’s been in prison for four years. He can live a little. Unfortunately, after they fuck over the sink, she turns crazy and attacks him with a knife and beats the shit out of him really bad, so much so that he has to hurl himself out of a window at five stories in the air, which is not good for his recently replaced clavicle.

He manages to crawl to his car and sends Eagly up in the air as he scrounges around for his brand new spanking helmet that his white trash daddy made for him. Meanwhile, the white trash girl has jumped out of the fifth floor window with ease and does a superhero pose for good measure.

ANYWAYS, White trash girl finds Peacemaker but he puts his little helmet on and sends out a sonic blast just in time to explode the bitch.

And that was the episode. No need to watch it if you haven’t seen it already because I did really good job recapping it.

OKAY THANKS BAI!

XOXOXO COMIC BOOK BITCH

Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Two Nerds React Live To The Spider-Man No Way Home Trailer

Weirdos React Live To Morbius Trailer

Wotcher, Harry.

Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Fuck Off Everyone

Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?

So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.

After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING

A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.

Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?

Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.

Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.

I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.

I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.

LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.

I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.

I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.

Fuck off everyone.

XOXO – Comic Book Bitch.

Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchise…I think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️

Kingo Goes for a Sexy Ride in A Lexus

Eternals Star, Kingo, promotes Lexus cars to the imbecilic Marvel audience .

Kingo recently hit the road in his Lexus IS 500 sports sedan in a new promotional attempt between Marvel Studios and Lexus. The two-minute promo spot portrays Kingo as an idiot guy who would rather take a sports car to a battle when human lives are at stake, rather than use one of his borne super powers of flight or teleportation. Hell this moron could have ran super fast to the battleground! Instead, Kingo drives his flashy car and that gets him into quite the pickle as he can’t find a dern parking spot! Doh!

Kingo drives his stupid car through the streets as his teammates look worriedly around for their 10th member. As the battle rages on all around him he finds that he’s much more interested in finding a parking spot for his fancy car rather than help his friends or save the world. He receives a notification from Sersi to “hurry.” OBVIOUSLY. But Kingo dgaf. Not even a little bit, cause if there is flaming debris being chucked around, he can’t take the risk that it might hit his, most likely well-insured, vehicle.

As he continues to look for a safe place to park his Lexus S 500 sports sedan, his tiny little teammate, Sprite, calls him up and she sounds very concerned that he hasn’t arrived yet, and ya know they could really use his help against these extremely dangerous and formidable foes.

Kingo is like, “hey I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive, I need to concentrate on finding a parking spot. If you need help, maybe call an Avenger or something. Okay, take care, bye bye now.”

Well, can’t wait for the Eternals to release on November 5th! I really hope Kingo can find himself a damn parking spot!!

XOXO- ComicBookBitch.

-Check back often for all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and Eternals Movie Updates!

Marvel’s Hawkeye LIVE REACTION!

Watch Ilsa and Kyra scream and cry about MCU. Just being in their element.

What If? Episode 5 Live Reaction

What If? Episode 5 LIVE REACTION!

WHAT IF? ZOMBIES!?

Hank Pym and friends are at it again. This time, instead of Hank murdering the entire Avengers team he brought a Zombie in from the Quantum Realm!?

How? Maybe a plot hole…OR MAYBE SOMEONE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE AND INTERFERED?

Poor Janet Van Dyne, can’t seem to catch a God Damn break.

Marvel What IF? Episode 1 Live Reaction

What If? Peggy Carter took the super soldier serum instead of Steve Rogers? Would they still be trying to bone each other?

FONDUE WHO?

My Live Reaction to The Epic Bad Batch Season Finale

This might as well have been a podcast episode since we freak out and talk shit throughout the entire thing.

You’re Welcome.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

And Now, We’ve Said It.

In Batman: Urban Legends #6, Tim Drake’s Robin finally decides he likes dick, too.

In the latest Batman: Urban Legends, monthly anthology series, we pick up the story of Tim Drake AKA Robin. Meghan Fitzmartin as well as art by Belén Ortega and Alejandro Sanchez, created this issue, obviously because women and Latinos aren’t weird about LGBT+ stuff.

So, like, basically Tim broke up with his on and off again gf Stephanie Brown (Spoiler) and he’s pretty annoyed by his attempts to always try to do what Batman would want instead of exploring what HE WANTS. Like, he didn’t even need years of therapy to make these breakthroughs. I am so jealous.

So anyways in this issue, Tim’s old friend, Bernard, is in a cult. But one that sacrifices teens so when Tim saves Bernie he’s like, “wow I really like this dude. If he died I would be so sad cause I wanna mouth kiss him.” And despite being named Bernard, he’s pretty cute, so when Bernie and Tim fight side by side to overtake the evil cult, things get pretty hot.

After they save the day, Tim heads over to Bernard’s house, and old Bernard asks Tim on a date. Tim is like Hell yeah lemme get all up in those jeans.

Now, for longtime comic readers, we were all pretty sure that Robin was gay. But NOW it seems he is bisexual, as he had a long term love affair with Stephanie Brown. It was on and off again, but even if he liked her, he probs wasn’t exploring other aspects of himself, as he mentions in Batman: Urban Legends #4.

AND AGAIN longtime comic book readers, can tell that he probably chose this moment to come out with his true identity, because like, he was totes in love with his Young Justice teammate, Superboy. When the Conner Kent Superman Clone died, Tim Drake DID NOT TAKE IT WELL! Like, everyone thought it was just a “bromance.” But, then after Conner died, Tim Drake tried to bring him back from the dead and would not stop telling everyone he knew that he “couldn’t live” without his best friend. Now, I’m not saying they were playing “hide the sausage together,” but I am saying that Tim Drake DEF wanted to fuck his friend. Which is BEAUTIFUL. IT’S CALLED LOVE, PEOPLE!

So anyways, I’m happy for Tim Drake’s Robin coming out. I’ll say it once, and I’ll probably not say it again, Great job, DC!

I guess the only thing left to do is to JUST TELL ME THAT BATMAN AND THE JOKER ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your Comic Book Resources, Comic Book News, DC News, DC updates, Batman News, and Robin Updates.

Eternals’ Sersi: A Different Type Of Hoe.

Gemma Chan, who plays Sersi in the upcoming Eternals movie, revealed that Sersi is “not like other girls.”

“I think this is going to be a really different, special film,” Chan said in an interview with British Vogue.

Chan also brought up that the director is an East Asian woman, so she actually knows how to write characters that are women. Unlike previous directors who believed that Black Widow’s only power was to shake her ass and make out with dudes.

The Eternals movie is about 10 different superheroes, but, like, obviously it’s going to mostly be about how Sersi never wanted Robb Stark’s dick, and once she gets Jon Snow’s D, she’s like, “Actually, Now I think The Red Wedding was my fave episode.” Even Kevin Feige was quoted as saying that “if there was a lead in this ensemble it’s probably- wait, what did ya’ll say? Sersi? LOL. Wait, stop that can’t be right! It has to be Ajak, right? Hold up! Now you’re saying they cast Ajak as a fucking chick. Dude wtf. Someone is getting fired.”

Wow, Kevin. Just, wow.

Gemma Chan shot back at Feige by saying that “Sersi is not like other girls. She may not be the best fighter, but she’s an empath.”

To which Feige replied, “A what?”

Kevin Feige then asked Gemma why she looked so familiar, and she replied that she was in Captain Marvel. To which Feige replied, “You mean, Captain America?”

Can’t wait for November 5th!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Eternals Movie News, and dumb bitch shit.

Live Reaction to The Bad Batch episode 12

In this reaction video, I actually have a friend. Self-proclaimed Star Wars expert Kyra! This one is a lot better than my last Bad Batch reaction because someone who knows a lot about Star Wars lore actually reacts with me!

Live Reaction to Loki Season Finale

Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

youtube.com/watch

In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Bad Batch Episode 10 “Common Ground” Live Reaction

Loki Live Reaction Episode 4- The Nexus Event

Link to the Season 3 Premiere of My Podcast!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643?i=1000525521103

Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch can travel through multiverses!

uhhhh what!!!

Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!

I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.

But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭

Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?

I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.

But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?

Am I thinking way too much into this??

Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.

Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories

Invincible

I just started watching Invincible yesterday and I already watched all 7 episodes out now.

It is safe to say that I am obsessed with this show. I read the comic a few years ago and then fell off of reading it. I can’t wait to go back and re read everything now!

The tv show is dark and dangerous and really really fucking gross with all of the blood and gore, but that’s what makes it so good.

Invicible’s Steven Yuen can really deliver those one-liners like a pro, and I have to say, it makes me really happy to see an Asian superhero. idk many others, especially not ones you find in mainstream media.

I’m sure there is something gross and fetish-y out there with Asian super women because white men dominate the comic book industry. But that’s another topic entirely.

I really also like that they got Asian actors to voice their Asian characters, it seems like such a small thing but it makes a big impact. It’s upsetting when POC are portrayed by white people on television, even if they’re just lending their voices.

Anyways, I can’t wait to watch more. Are you watching Invincible?

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, nerd news, nerd opinions, invincible news, and fangirl bull shit.

So Many New Stories Came Out This Week!

What #1 and #0 Comic Books did you pick up this week?

Y: The Last Man Series Coming To FX on HULU

In the new FX on HULU trailer we see what is coming to the streaming service from FX and apparently it’s a lot. This trailer shows little peeks of new and old shows including American Horror Stories Anthology series, Reservation Dogs, The Old Man, AND Y: The Last Man.

If you haven’t read Y: The Last Man, it’s probably because you missed My Must Read List for Quarantine.

For those that haven’t read the comic series by Brian K. Vaughan (SAGA) and Pia Guerra (Doctor Who) it is a series that takes place after every male (animals and humans included) were killed. So it’s a Utopia.

Just kidding, it’s like a big deal I guess. For me, it’s like Thank God the human race is over and we can all just run at night without the fear of getting raped, amiright?

Anyways, there’s still one rapist, I mean man left and that is Yorick Brown and his capuchin monkey, Ampersand. So freaking cute. They are best buddies and all they want is to find out why they’re the last dudes on Earth.

The show will be directed by Melina Matsoukas and starring Ben Schnetzer, Diane Lane, Amber Tamblyn, Imogen Poots, Lashana Lynch, Marin Ireland, Elliot Fletcher, and Juliana Canfield.

Can you believe it?

Since this has been in the works since 2015 I can barely believe it’s finally happening! If it’s anything like the comic book it’s going to be amazing!!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, marvel news, DC news, and Y-The Last Man updates!

The Queen in Black is Back! Black Cat #3 Comic Book Recap

Writer: Jed MacKay

Artist: C.F. Villa

If you don’t know what’s going on in Felicia Hardy’s world during this King In Black Marvel Event, I suggest you check out my previous Black Cat Recap.

Now that we’re all caught up, you know that Felicia touched the magic wand that Doctor Strange was going to use to defeat the symbiote army, however since Doctor Strange was incapacitated Felicia decided to do it herself.

This issue finds Felicia trapped in a dark room with Black Fox, her father’s mentor, or rather, a dude who has taken on the shape of Black Fox? She believes that after she touched the wand she died, but Fox assures her this isn’t true.

Not the Black Fox aye? Definitely a Silver Fox tho

He goes on to tell her that he is old magic and basically he’s there to see if she’s worthy of the power she’s now holding.

Back in the real world she’s basically on autopilot, or as I like to call it, “being blacked out from overconsumption.”

Or at least that’s the only time I’ve had that experience. I’ve never touched an Asgardian wand. But I do know what I’m going to call going out to get drunk from now on.

Same thing I say when I see myself in a snapchats the day after a blackout! Wow so much in common.

So Felicia is all “I need to get back” and Fox is all “Come walk through this weird chess room with me.”

Oh I get it, it’s a test.

Felicia heads back and forth from the Asgardian body to the Magic Box or whatever the thing is that she is in, and she kills some symbiote dragons. I can explain this by coming to from a black out, or if you watch Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then it’s called “browning out”

Me replaying an IG story of taking a shot as another gets placed in my hand.

Fox decides to test her and find out her vulnerabilities and it goes like this:

Fox: When did you feel most vulnerable?

Black Cat: When my mom told me my dad died, but he was just in jail. So she a lyin’ ass hoe.

Fox: Gross.

BC: Yeah rude af. But I guess that was hard on her?

Fox: But mostly hard on you, right? Like when Doc Ock fucked up your shit?

BC: Yeah that sucked.

Doctor Strange then wakes us from his coma and he’s like she touched it? GOD DAMMIT! Meanwhile Asgardian Black Cat is still mercin’ all these hoes.

Still don’t know when she found time to braid her hair.

Felicia and Fox continue their “deep” conversation.

Fox : You needed power, Spider-Man showed you that. But no one would give you power except King Pin

Black Cat: Yeah. I know, idiot. I was there.

Read this. It’s kind of the point of the issue and I’m too lazy to explain.

Anyways

Fox: Look at all these people who beat you up.

BC: This is annoying, shut up.

Fox: Are you ready to say yes to ultimate power?

BC: Depends on what I get.

Fox: Your family back together

BC: Cool.

Fox: Power to kill all your enemies.

BC: Cool, cool.

Fox: All your former lovers will love you again.

BC: Those fucking nerds? Hell no! Fuck you I don’t want it!

Fox: WHUUUU??

SOMEBODY CATCH HER!

One of her nerds catches her from the sky and then Doctor Strange is all “wtf.”

And Black Cat is all “I almost took it all, but I really didn’t wanna touch Spider-Man’s peen again.”

It’s almost like it’s inside him

Of course it does end there, a bunch of symbiotes dragons are flying towards them.

Felicia asks Doctor Strange to magic her buddies out of there because all she wants is her nerds to be safe. They get teleported away to safety and Felicia and the Doctor get ready to fight some symbiotes.

Peen-nuts. Now I get it.

AND THAT’S THAT!

Their story continues in King in Black #4!

let me know in the comments if you’d like me to do a recap of that one. I do loves me some Black Cat!

Army of the Dead Trailer

I love zombies and I love Dave Bautista. And I will love this movie.

The jist is this: A group of bad ass motherfuckers with guns enter a quarantine zone in Las Vegas to pull off the biggest heist ever!

WHY?

Does money even matter in a post apocalyptic world? Or maybe they just wanted to enjoy the casino-hotel amenities?

Who knows?

Not this betch.

What I do know is that it is taking place in Las Vegas which means the costume department had a lot of fun with this one.

I bet they will be able to do some really fun stuff with who they’re killing as zombies, people dressed in feathers or whatever.

And Zac Snyder is directing! How did he ever find the time directing this and Justice League!?

Tig Notaro is in this too! She is one of my most favorite comedians ever!

Coming to a Netflix streaming app near you!

• Comic Book Betch – For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and new action movie trailers

Are we about to find out some crazy shit about Señor Scratchy?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Agatha…All Along. Her mysterious background and reasoning for being involved in the hex, why “Quicksilver” is watching over her house, but mostly why she is keeping that rabbit.

In the comic books, Agatha has a son named Nicholas Scratch, so is the bunny, who played a major role in episode 2, an important character?

I don’t think they would bother introducing Señor Scratchy at all if there was no way he had something to with what’s going on. Sure Wanda needed a rabbit for her show, but that doesn’t explain all the camera cutaways to him in Agatha’s house.

I think we’re about to meet Señor Scratchy in the flesh in the next episode.

For those who don’t know, Nicolas Scratch was the head of the Salem’s Seven, a villainous group he used to attack Agatha and the boy she nanny’s for, nbd but Franklin Richards- an omega level mutant and son to Susan and Reed Richards. SO.

Maybe she’ll just tell a story about how she turned her shitty son into a rabbit or maybe the rabbit will turn back into her son and play antagonist to Agatha…or be her backup.

There are several ways Disney+ can go with this, and most people are saying that it is Mephisto. That would be really exciting! I can’t wait to see who Señor Scratchy really is! Maybe he’ll be played by the actor that Paul Bettany has been talking about in interviews about the show!!!

Solved it!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and WandaVision theories!

Conan The Barbarian Uses a Human Shield Against The X-Men!

And you’ll never guess who it was!

Or maybe you will!

It was Deadpool!

The best human shield in the land! He is knife proof, bulletproof, and even nuclear bomb proof.

It is nice knowing that at the end of the world, Deadpool will still be there with his little thumbs up.

If anyone survives the end of the world, I want it to be Ryan Reynolds.

Deadpool, Conan and Night Flyer break into the Hellfire Club to grab a little spending money. Unfortunately three X-Men (Ice Man, Calisto, Bishop) show up, as the Hellfire Club is for them. Soon Calisto pulls out a tiny dagger, that Deadpool scoffs at, joking that Ant-Man must have gotten a hold of her sword- she slashes at Deadpool and he falls into Conan’s loving arms.

I’m sure that Deadpool initially enjoyed this. Being caught by his teammate, and new friend. Finally someone cares for Deadpool! He must have felt warm and happy being held onto by those big muscular arms. I can almost hear him tittering now.

Of course, that turns out not to be the best position for Deadpool to be in. After they are threatened once again by the X-Men, Conan pulls Deadpool in tighter. Deadpool, probably believing this to be a nice hug after he was brutally stabbed, falls tenderly into the hug.

Unfortunately, this is when Bishop starts shooting, and Conan, with nothing but Deadpool to protect himself throws Deadpool’s bulletproof body right into Bishop’s line of fire.

Now, I’ve seen everything.

I guess that’s why they’re the savage avengers, cause that was savage af.

After that a battle ensues and ends on a very intriguing note. I gotta say, If you haven’t picked up Savage Avengers #18 yet, then what happens on the last page- a battle-ending blow- is worth it to get up now and scramble to the closest Comic Book store to pick up your issue!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, and Deadpool updates.

Cable #8 Comic Book Recap: This shit is getting good.

Writer: Gerry Dugan

Artist: Phil Noto

I decided on recapping Cable this week, because this issue finally had the action we’ve been waiting for. Unlike in the X-Men comics where they just talk in a circle all day, Cable is out here doing the damn thing. And I’m talking about pubescent Cable here.

Our story begins with a partnership as old as time, Cable and Domino. Ah, young love.

Cable breaks the ice by asking her how her powers work, and she describes it like a cosmic event. Where all the asteroids just seems to line up in a certain way, and that’s her luck.

He’s counting on her luck, which caused him to follow her to Tokyo even though they’re after the clone of his older self, Stryfe and they have no proof that he would even think about going to Japan.

Cable: So we’re in Tokyo, because of your powers, right? We should be here?

Domino: What? No. I wanted Gyoza.

So they head to a spot that Domino likes and get some fucking dumplings.

How can either of you tell where the other one is looking?

Turns out, Domino is lucky because Cable wasn’t looking at her “that way” he was staring right past her head and checking out an old man Cable clone. The baby-napper in the flesh!

Cable jumps up and runs after him. Domino decides to steal a few moments to get her snack on.

My brain is telling me follow you, but my heart is saying “MAWR DUMPLINS”

Cable follows the clone through the restaurant and shoots at him while they’re in the kitchen, because restaurant workers aren’t people. No need to treat them like they deserve to live.

The baby-napper clone runs downstairs where he has some sort of secret underground hideaway and he shuts the high-tech door behind him and now Cable has nowhere to go.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Stryfe has an underground hideaway below a dumpling shop? No? Just me. Well, fuck you, then.

After Cable shoots at the locked door a few times to no avail, he decides to walk over in front of it and cry about his life. As he is whining about how he can’t do anything right, when he literally wins everything, the high-tech door scans his retina and lets him right in.

Dummy, it’s your clone’s hideaway. Of course you can fucking get in.

Nathan and Baby-Napper have a conversation and it goes like this:

Cable: I’m pointing my gun at you!

BN: You’re dumb and you plan bad.

Cable: I’m so upset with myself and I constantly battle with inner demons.

BN: Uhk.

Cable: I’m a sad boi.

BN: I’m going to press this button

Cable: Don’t press it, I’ll shoot you.

BN: I’m gonna press it.

Cable: Don’t.

BN: I pressed it.

Then Cable shoots him and he dies. BUT all these tiny baby Cable clones come out. Okay they’re not baby-babies but they are young Cable clones. Just as cute.

LOOK AT ALL THE WITTLE BABY WUB WUBS!! (heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji)

Cable fights his clones, and also battles his inner demons, meanwhile, Domino walks in with dumplings hanging out of her mouth and stupidly asks “hrmrmrhshfm??”

Cops and superheroes don’t go to jail for killing people, Domino. Idiot.

She decides to take a breath and look up from her box of noodles and she pulls out her gun.

She shoots every clone except the one that yells “cease fire, I’m friendly!”

She stops and he walks over to her and he’s like “how did you know it was me?”

And she’s all, “I didn’t” Then she shoots him in the head.

And then I was like AHHH OMG. SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT CABLE!

You misunderstood me, Domino! Being a cop or superhero only works if you’re a man! Women get held accountable for ALL OF their actions!

Then ANOTHER Cable dusts his knees off and comes out of the woodwork and is like, “are you out of bullets?”

And Domino is like, “yeah, but even If I had one left, I probably wouldn’t shoot you, Real Cable Baby.”

Cable calls in a team to clean up the clone bodies, meanwhile Domino is like, hey there were 12 clones in here and I only shot 11. One got away.

They dip out and find this little fool real quick. Sticking out like a tall white boy in Japan as it were.

The clone knocks Cable and Domino down and then reveals his evil plan to return to Krakoa in Cable’s place.

Domino and Cable are both being psionically held down so they can’t stop him from killing them.

Luckily, remember that weird meteor thing I mentioned earlier?

Yeah. Well one of those things comes sailing out of the sky and right into clone Cable’s pretty little face.

That’s a meteor, bitch!

Cable then blames Domino, and Domino is like, shut up I didn’t kill him, a meteor did, dummy.

So Cable is back to having no leads because this clone’s head just randomly busted open.

Domino tells Cable to lose her number and dips out. Cable then texts his buddies about how he left a bunch of dead bodies in Japan, and they let him know that X-Factor is inbound to clean up his little messy. I don’t know how they got a hold of X-Factor tho, because last I heard they were down to three measly members on account of all of them getting totally whacked by Morrigan.

COOL RIGHT?
But it’s not over! After our baby Cable story we get a little peek at what old man Cable is doing. He’s hunting some fuckers, hidden in a cape and carrying a big ass gun. That’s what Cable does best, hoes!

Cable walks in and tells his little robot buddy to wait outside.

He traipses in like he owns the place, but he notices a string on the ground, a booby trap. He’s too smart for that though and he walks right over it.

Unfortunately, right over that string is a giant hole.

So yeah, he gets immediately trapped in a pitfall.

I call this one: Cable falling into the abyss.

WHAT AN IDIOT!

What did you think about this issue? This Cable run is finally getting good huh?! I THINK SO!

PLUS WE GOT A DOMINO CAMEO!

WOW. WOW.WOW.

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book updates, comic book reviews, comic book recaps, and comic book news.

Has Wanda Learned Her Lesson At All? According To This Sneak Peek, NO!

I know we’re all very excited for tomorrow’s episode of WandaVision, but for comic books fans it’s a bit of a slow burn because we kinda already know what’s going to happen. But this is technically the MCU and they could change things up at any moment.

First off, there are so many theories about how this show is going to go. One of the theories is that Quicksilver is secretly Mephisto, there’s another theory that Ultron has been hiding in the Hex the whole time, Agnes is Agatha Harkness, etc.

I do believe Agnes is Agatha Harkness, btw, she was dressed as a freaking witch for Halloween. DUH.

Anyways, before I get into MY theories, I just wanted to point out that Wanda does not fucking care that she is controlling all of these people. She is acting more like she has a hangover than she feels any sort of remorse. However, I do believe that although this is her HEX, somehow Hydra is involved and probably aided in creating this Hex since she can’t remember how it started and isn’t quite sure how she’s doing it. Obviously Hydra is involved because the commercials are for Hydra shit.

ANYWAYS, now for my theories, Remember how Vision almost died in episode 6 because he was trying to crawl out of the Hex? Is the Hex the only thing keeping him alive? He was literally falling apart being outside of it, so that’s scary because if she gets rid of the Hex she kills Vision. That’s why she expanded it, but of course if he keeps trying to leave she can’t take over the whole world…Or can she?

All we know is that she stole Vision’s body. We don’t know when or how he came back to life. Cause you know Thanos killed him. For real. This could be tied into how the Hex is changing people’s body composition. Like, how Monica was warned not to go back in the Hex because her body was changing. Did Billy and Tommy get powers from the Hex or was it because they are Wanda’s children?

Speaking of Monica, is her body changing in a way that will give her powers? I think so. Since she has powers in the comic book, she might be getting them from the Hex in this version of her character.

The last theory I want to talk about is Quicksilver. This is Evan Peters, not Aaron Taylor Johnson. Everyone is just dismissing this as ATJ needed to be recast or that this will open the world to the Fox mutants.

I sort of agree, in that this is going to open up to a new world. But to the Fox mutants? I don’t know, what I do know is that Wanda will be in Doctor Strange’s Multiverse of Madness, which finds the heroes in many different dimensions, the most popular ones I can think of from the comic books is Earth-65 and Earth-616, but obviously, there’s a lot.

We’re getting three different Spider-Men, SO!

Perhaps Evan Peters is simply a Quicksilver from another dimension! She pulled him from his own dimension, a world where he survived the shooting.

This explains why he mentions being shot, but it doesn’t explain why Wanda sees him as a dead body like she saw Vision as a dead body. Of course she could just be seeing this because that’s her memory of her brother in this dimension.

BUT I’m pretty sure this is a different dimension’s Quicksilver that she brought in, which would be a great introduction to the Multiverse of Madness, since now we know we can take characters from any dimension. INCLUDING villains!

Also, twincest.

Hey, it’s my brother, but it’s my brother from another dimension.

TBH I thought she had more chemistry with Aaron Taylor Johnson.

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Disney+ news, and WandaVision theories.

The Cruella Trailer!

The trailer for Disney’s Cruella is out now. And I’m fucking pumped.

A mood.

Cruella has always been my favorite Disney princess, so I simply cannot wait until this movie comes out. Also, I love the accent that Emma Stone made up. It’s like British meets Atlantic meets Moira Rose.

Très chic!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, Disney news, and Disney+ updates.

Will the Sinister Six appear in Spider-Man 3??

Anyone else beginning to think that the Sinister Six will be involved in the plot of Spider-Man 3?

If Mysterio is going to be in the next film, or “his presence” as noted by news sources, and Mysterio and the first villain, the Vulture, was also in the Sinister Six then it is a possibility.

Also! Since all of the universes are tied together now, technically we have seen Electro, Doc Ock and the Sandman as villains as well (other members of the sinister six)

The only missing member is Kraven the Hunter, who could definitely make his presence known in the beginning of the film or in one of the other upcoming marvel films.

Amiright or am I crazy? Cause I think I’m both.

– Follow Comic Book Betch for comic book news, comic book resources, and MCU updates.

Boys Season 3 Begins Filming Today!

Pretty excited to see what happens in Season 3! I can’t get the image of Starlight, Kimiko, and Queen Maeve kicking the shit out of Stormfront out of my head.

GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!

I guess Stormfront is still alive according to the show’s creator. I wonder how she will play into season 3 if they decide to bring her back?? Can she regrow limbs or is she going to be crawling around without legs and arms and an eye?

This could definitely be there moment to rebuild her into a cyborg.

No arm? No eye? No problem!!

Let’s pray all the new Disney+ Marvel shows keep me alive long enough to see this new season!!! I will give anything to see Jack Quaid act in anything! Give him everything and protect Hughie Campbell at all costs!!

For all your comic book news, comic book resources, and The Boys updates

-Comic Book Betch

Official Trailer for Falcon and The Winter Soldier

Buddy Cops

FRIEND! I HAVE COMIC BOOK NEWS!

I am 100% more excited to see this new Disney+ Series after watching this trailer. My friend was telling me that The Falcon and The Winter Soldier was going to be good, but in no way did I believe her. I was skeptical because of the clusterfuck that was Captain America and the Winter Soldier.

HATED IT.

The trailer begins with The Falcon and The Winter Soldier at some sort of mediation because they do not get along. And they do not get along because both of them were in love with Steve Rogers, and he couldn’t choose between them.

I like a love triangle as much as the next Comic Book Betch, but the reason Steve never chose the Winter Soldier or The Falcon was because he was still in love with Peggy Carter. And, like, didn’t he bone Peggy’s granddaughter or something? Which is his own granddaughter because we learn that Captain America goes back in time and has a life with Peggy after Avengers: End Game?

Idk Steve Rogers shit is messy. Remember when Black Widow was trying to jump his bones?

Anyways, The Falcon and The Winter Soldier are now teammates or something who don’t get along because they are both still in love with Captain America, and without meaning to do so, Captain America pit them against each other in this weird competition for his affection. So that is what I assume what this series is about: them just talking about how much they want to marry Steve Rogers and how he was the best guy ever, and then Peggy’s granddaughter shows up and beats everyone up for them while they stare at photos of Steve.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Comic Book Betch

for your comic book resources, comic book news, and Marvel updates!

UPCOMING MARVEL FILMS!!

and tv shows…

Right now, Marvel Studios is filming:

-Spider-Man 3

-Doctor Strange 2 The Multiverse of Madness

-Thor 4 God of Love and Thunder

-Ms. Marvel (Disney+ Series)

-Hawkeye (Disney+ Series)

-Quantummania (early shoots)
-Loki (reshoots!!!!!)

And next month She Hulk and Moonknight will start production!!!

AND THEY HAVEN’T HAD A POSITIVE COVID-19 CASE YET! FINALLY 2021 AND 2022 ARE MY NEW REASONS TO LIVEE!!!!

Morbius: Bond of Blood Issue #1 Comic Book Recap

Written by Ralph Macchio

Art by Tom Reilly

Color Art by Chris O’Halloran

Cover Artists: Giuseppe Camuncol and Erick Arciniega

This is basically a stroll through memory lane, but because I promised you, and I was so fucking hype for this issue. Here’s the recap, buddy!

So Morbius, living vampire. Yada yada.

This basically is his origin story reprinted. It is still in the style of the silver age of comic books. The art and dialogue is all very “of that age.” And the writer is 83 years old. SO!

I actually remember when Morbius was first introduced back in one of those old ass Amazing Spider-Man’s that I read in the Essential collection when I was like, 15? They all were so expositional with their dialogue. But, I guess that’s why that age won Silver, huh?

Crazy how he looked like a vampire BEFORE he looked like a vampire. Weird.

Morbius origin is tragic? I guess, he was a rich ass scientist who was boning some chick and taking a cruise on a yacht with her and his BFF, but he was dying from a blood disease, so I guess, that’s the tragedy. Luckily, he is a scientist so him and his bff came up with a “cure” but it ended up turning him into a living vampire (SPOILER!)

Oh and he killed his BFF, and instead of killing his GF next, he threw himself into the sea, but he decided, like, he can swim so he’s not going to drown.

Sorry Dood, bro code is over when I’m thirsty.

Later, a big ass ship comes to pick him up from the sea, and to repay them for their kindness he drinks their blood and kills them.

After killing his best friend and being rescued and killing everyone who saved him, he decides to check up on his BFF’s young son, who is dying of an incurable disease! FUN!!

He checks in on the kid, who has no family I guess because no one else is there, but makes sense cause his dad was murdered, and the kid is like “I wuv you Unckie Morbie.”

And Morbius is like, damn, I killed his dad but maybe I can save his life. So he heads over to Dr. Hyde’s place, and speaks with his alter ego Mr. Jekyll, who apparently has the cure for the kids disease. Morbius is like great I need it! But when he goes to the Doctor’s place he immediately attacks him!

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ASSAULT.

So Jekyll-Hyde guy is like, “sweet go get me my research books from the mental institution I used to live in, cause I’m fucking crazy and I’ll give you that cure, dummy.”

You know this is from back in the day, because there’s no insane asylum castles anymore.

Morbsey, gets the research, gets the vaccine, gives it to the kid, kid immediately dies, (insert anti-vaxxer joke here)

Now Morbius has killed his BFF and his fucking son, but before he kills him, Morbius confesses to the kid that he killed his father and the son forgives him. Then he dies. Then a nurse comes in and is like “that guy must have killed him” pointing to Morbius, and she is correct!

After the kid dies, Morbius returns to beat the shit out of Hyde, who now that he has research back, has become a giant monster and is like “I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”

So they fight, and Morbsey bites him, which weakens Hyde, and eventually turns him back into the sniveling little doctor from before.

Oh really, Morbsey? You expect people to take you seriously with that side part? HA! I don’t think so.

The normal version of Hyde is like, “yeah I gave you a vaccine that I knew would kill the kid, but I just want to be that big dude, Hyde.”

And then Morbius is like, “why he’s ugly.”

And then the doctor is like, “ew, you’re rude.”

And then he passes out, and then Morbsey is like, “You’ll survive this, because I don’t kill everyone, just innocent people…Wait-“

The point is, he’s trying to be good, but he can’t be good, because he gets hungry and when he gets hungry he’s usually around innocent people. And also Marvel can’t afford to come up with new villains all the time, so he can’t be Dexter-ing them every fucking month.

Well that was it!

Thank you for joining me today, friend!

If you liked what you read please leave a comment below and follow me on the Twitter: IlsaTheJoe.

PEACE!

Coming soon…

Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap

X-Factor #7 Comic Book Recap : GUESS WHO’S POSSESSED IN BARCELONA!

IT’S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE HORNY TEENS AGAIN!

Are they teens? No they have to be like early or mid-twenties? IDFK. All I know is that it’s like an orgy over there in the X-Factor boneyard.

Boneyard. Wow. I just got that.

This issue is brought to you by Leah Williams, David Baldeon, and Ivan Shavrin

If you don’t know what’s going on, how about you catch up on my last recap of X-Factor #6?

Now that we’re all caught up, we can begin.

Guess who showed up today? Speed! AKA Tommy, AKA if you’re watching WandaVision, one of Wanda’s twins. He looks just like Pietro, is slightly more annoying than Pietro, and enjoys the company of men, especially Prodigy.

Instead of discussing how there might be two of you out in the world, and you may be a resurrected clone of sorts, let’s just shut up and make out.

Tommy came over to let Prodigy know that he actually did not die in the O.N.E attack on Xavier’s institute, because he was with Tommy that night and he has the steamy photos to prove it.

So it turns out he was resurrected without a body, which I guess means that there is another Prodigy buzzing about somewhere?

Next up, another lovely couple of sluts, Daken and Aurora are strolling through the halls, and they have a conversation and it goes like this:

Daken: You smell scared.

Aurora: It’s weird that you can smell that.

Daken: Yeah but I can only smell lust and fear, I can’t telepathically understand why people have those emotions.

Aurora: Well I’m lusting over you right now.

Daken: Yeah I know. I literally just told you I could tell.

Aurora: Oh, right. Wanna make out?

Daken: No.

Aurora: Damn, ok.

Aurora has got to be the least slutty hoe I’ve ever seen.

Northstar calls his dog, Daken, over. Daken is tracking Siryn, as you know if you read last month’s recap.

Northstar tells Daken to get Fleet Seeds while he’s out and also warns Daken that he will kill him if he hurts his sister, Aurora. And Daken is like, “cool story, bro.”

Wow, I really hope he doesn’t forget those Fleet Seeds. Seem really important. Wow.

He forgot Fleet Seeds, but he invested heavily in Doge coin.

Daken is following Siryn. Polaris is a dumb hoe, because Siryn tricked her last issue into lying for her, so although Daken is tracking Siryn to the States, Polaris tells everyone she’s in Barcelona going on a walking tour. If you didn’t say Barcelona with a lisp you fucking suck.

Northstar decides to split the team up to interrogate Siryn’s closests friends, and because half the team can tell when someone is lying to them, they’re splitting up into three groups of two. Speaking of lies, Eye-Boy notices that Polaris is straight up lying to the whole team. He doesn’t say anything though, because Polaris is sitting right there and that would be shades af. Northstar gets up to find Prodigy who was just boning Tommy.

Northstar runs into Tommy first, and Tommy has a lot of questions for Northstar because Northstar is really fast and Tommy is really fast, but Northstar is faster and also older. And rich. And a twin. And a Leader. And everything that Tommy probably wants to be/sort of already is.

How old do you have to be to call someone “young person?” How old is Northstar and why is he hanging out with all these horny teens? I have questions.

So, next we get a scene of Tommy being really annoying and asking a ton of speed-related questions to Northstar, and Prodigy physically pushes him out, making me think that he might be the top?

Prodigy and Northstar get to their boring ass mission of interrogating Siryn’s friends. This mission proves fruitless. Her dad, Banshee didn’t even know that she died once. SO!

Daken tries to call Lorna AKA Polaris, but she ignores the call. RUDE! Then this shows up.

PSA: This is really important to the rest of the storyline.

If you need a summary here it is: THIS BITCH, MORRIGAN, SHE CRAZY!

Next up, Daken is alone because Polaris is in charge of the only cell phone, or maybe she’s the only number that Daken knows by heart? Sweet. Anyways, Daken gets captured by Siryn, but spoiler, it’s not Siryn it’s Morrigan. The crazy bitch you just read about. NOICE.

Anyways, Morrigan beats the shit out of Daken and throws his body onto a spike, so he can’t fully heal himself and then while she is attacking him she also shits in his mouth. JUST KIDDING! But she does shit all over him, metaphorically speaking.

Wow, so fucking rude.

So, Daken is just chilling being staked like a common vampire. Meanwhile, it’s taken them days to figure out that Polaris is lying. But once they confront her and remove the psionic blocks that Morrigan- acting as Siryn- put in her, they realize that Daken is missing and needs to be found. This is like 4 fucking days later btw. So he’s been in the cold wearing his light jacket and jeans. What an idiot. This is why I always tell people to layer.

It takes Northstar all of seven minutes to look throughout the entire Tundra to find Daken and save his life.

Why is he yelling at him right now? He, literally, is impaled on a stick.

Now that Northstar has saved Daken, it’s sexy-time for Daken and Aurora.

V sexy of her to dress as a pilgrim and get inside a jacuzzi.

Daken opens up his heart to Aurora and it’s very lovely. So cute. They’re in love. I love this. And they finally kiss, I guess he’s down for it now after being skewered for a few days in the Tundra. They are rudely interrupted by Northstar screaming for Aurora. which he does ALL. THE. TIME.

Daken: Why is he always screaming like that? Can’t he just zoom in to see if you’re okay?

Aurora: He’s scared to lose me.

Daken: Doesn’t answer my question.

Aurora: He was trapped in Nate Grey’s false Utopia. It fucked with his mind.

Daken: My sisters were trapped in there.

Aurora: So you already.

Daken: Already what?

Aurora: You already.

Daken: What?

Aurora: Know. You already know. It’s slang, from like, England.

Daken: You’re never going to make “you already” happen.

Aurora: You already.

Daken: Damn.

THEN WE DO A COMPLETE 180. Which makes me believe that we are missing pages from this storybook. BUT on the very next page after the hot tub sexy-time scene, it is several hours later in the living room and half the team is dead. Only Eye-Boy, Daken, and Prodigy are the last ones left alive. And it’s mad creepy, because the killer set up Aurora and Northstar in this weirdo hex/witchy-shit type of situation.

I wonder who killed everybody!?

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!! We have a serial killer on the loose!!!

What did you think of this issue? I am really starting to like X-Factor. Definitely becoming one of my faves. When do you think this run will be pick up by Disney+ as a series??? I’m thinking since they’re still taking storylines from 2005 it might not be until 2030 we see this in our living rooms.

Deadpool #10 Comic Book Recap: Let’s Merc These Hoes

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch. This week I shall be recapping Deadpool #10. And Guess what the fuck what? It’s a King in Black adventure again!!! When Marvel goes for it, they go for it.

Written by the hilarious Kelly Thompson

Art by Gerardo Sandoval

Cover by Chris Sotomayor

Deadpool, or King Deadpool as he is known by now, is lamenting about the King in Black and how they’ll let anyone be King these days, and this King in Black has left the city, and his island, the Island of Staten…why did I say that? He’s on Staten Island. Anyways the whole country or world or something is covered in black goo. Same shit different issue.

Deadpool decides to have a groupthink with his honor guard, unfortunately everyone’s pretty dumb there, except for Elsa Bloodstone, who, if you’re not new to this blog, you know that I FUCKING STAN!

I can’t wait to see King Deadpool cosplay at a con.

In the groupthink they decide to form ANOTHER team, other than this guard, because the Island of Staten is full of monsters to choose from.

They form a team and then they walk into the room really cool like this:

What a badass group of monsters. And, awkwardly, one monster hunter.

So after they do their cool walk, these weird little priest monsters come in and tell King Deadpool that it’s the end of days, and Deadpool is like “Yeah. IT FUCKING ALWAYS IS.”

Unimpressed, Deadpool is about to walk away when the priest informs him that the monster that is here (The King in Black) is going to devour the King of Monsters as is prophesied, this gets Deadpool’s attention because HE IS the King of Monsters. But, Deadpool says that there is no way this is the Priests monster that they prophesied, it is a Marvel monster and it’s a comic book event, so instead of worrying about these priests and their dumb prophecies, he takes his team of monsters and goes to battle!

Okay, Kohlaab the Pile is definitely touching the symbiote.

Then it gets really sad because the monster eats the snowman, who I did not even bother to mention earlier, but he’s cool because he only speaks in winter-related puns, see what I did there?

NOT FROSTY THE UNMELTABLE SNOWMAN!

Shiny, the monster who shines a light through his mouth, opens his mouth and shoots a blinding hole through the wing of one of the venom dragons, and this gives the team a chance to regroup.

Then this next part is really cool. I love this comic book. Deadpool is literally such a great character and having Kelly Thompson write him!? UGH CHEF’S KISS.

Jeff the Shark touches the goo, and Deadpool is noticeably upset but he promises to find a way to save Jeff, Jeff is already turned though, and bites Deadpool on the hand. Elsa says they can’t afford to have Deadpool turned by the black goo because he is indestructible, TRUE, so Deadpool hacks off his hand. I love this comic book. Deadpool is the fucking best.

They totally stole this from The Walking Dead, except Rick is a bitch who can’t grow back limbs.

Deadpool and the team decide to do another cool group walk back into the scene, but it is rudely interrupted by Jelby, who left their group behind in issue #6. He comes bearing gifts though, a gift in the form of Jeff the Shark safely hidden away in a bowl of Jelby’s jelly.

The entire teams climbs inside of Jelby and they take on the venom dragon from inside of Jelby, Deadpool coins their conjoining as the “Monster-Tron” Patent pending.

I don’t know where all those lights are coming from, There is only one Shiny on the team that I know about.

Using a combination of butts and brains they are able to defeat the dragon symbiote monster, or at least they are able to throw the dragon into a giant hole, but as Elsa points out “it’s got sodding wings!”

This leads to the writer to doing a tie-in to a previous issue, and it’s all very romantic and beautiful and breaking of the fourth wall. As all Deadpool comics are.

He loves red heads. This is canon af.

As Deadpool fends off the dragon from below, Jelby jumps down to save the day!

He contains the dragon in his little jelly belly and Wade is forced to sever another limb to stop the symbiote goo from taking him over…but that does give me pause? Could these severed limbs come back as symbiotes? hmmmm…I GUESS NOT BECAUSE JUST LIKE ARMIE HAMMER, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED.

The day is saved, but there is still one thing left to deal with!

Deadpool already sounds like a dad.

They take a note from Spider-Man and get the symbiote off of Jeff using some loud-ass music. And then Jeff is back to normal and so freaking cute. I cannot.

LOOK AT THAT FACE OMG. OMFG.I LOVE YOU JEFF THE SHARK! I might get this last panel tattooed on me. Thoughts?

King Deadpool saves the day, and it turns out the priests were wrong, the monster will be coming to get him in 2022. A line is forming outside so that Deadpool can pay for the property damages he caused with all of this fighting, and Elsa gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. All is well, except that this run is getting canceled and it’s the fucking worst thing that could happen to any of us because it is so good. I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept.

Episode 63 – The Way, This Is

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-vn8ju-13d03b1

This week’s episode is dedicated to Grogu and Grogu only (please see title and read it in your best Yoda voice, you know the one where he says everything out of order, but sounds so full of wisdom)

We’re more than halfway through season three of The Mandalorian and this past week, we were probably the most emotional we’ve been since seeing Cad Bane in The Book of Boba Fett (can someone please pull his old ass out of the bafta tank already?!?) 

We got an intimate look into Grogu’s escape from Coruscant during Order 66, including the fallen jedi that were killed defending him and the jedi who saved him – none other than Master Kelleran aka Ahmad Best, who played our favorite Gungan in the prequels – Jar Jar Binks.

Order 66 is never fun, yet there seems to be a dim light at the end of the tunnel and that is that more jedi may be alive and in hiding than we realize.

Bo Katan is apart of Djin’s crew now and we feel the tension over what ultimately must happen: where the hell is the dark saber?

We also find out Moth Gideon is still alive? Easily predictable yet we’re still about it.

Episode 62 – Taungsdays, Am I Right?

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-j5ncx-13c0a18

This past week we closed the chapter on The Last of Us, with the final 9th episode and season one finale…and not a dry eye was seen for miles on end.

Where have the past nine weeks gone?!? They were easily both the fastest and slowest weeks of our lives (ew, winter), yet we somehow found a way to make it to Sunday each week, just to get our Joel and Ellie content on. That 50 minutes on Sunday nights got us through an entire work week…and a cold winter in the midwest.

We break down the season finale of The Last of Us, compare scenes from the game vs. this final episode, and elaborate on what we think is to come for Seasons Two (and three hopefully!!)

We’re still pretty early on in season three of The Mandalorian and it seems like this week they made a visit to the Andor writing room. Is there a Bo-Katan and Djin budding romance going on or are we imagining things? Either way, we’re not complaining.

 

Episode 61 – This is the Way

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-agu2a-13b3d24

We’re finally back…after being asleep the entire month of February! 

 

Episode 60 – Bill and Frank Break Out Hearts

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-sysqf-137b888

We made it to Episode 60….and what an episode it is. We recap Episode 2 and 3 of our new favorite tv show – The Last of Us – and cry whilst doing so. This is your final warning: do not listen to this episode if you are not caught up on the epic tale of Joel and Ellie yet. We spoil literally everything in this episode, but make in fun even though everyone is dying and infected by a dumb fungus.

 

 

Episode 59 – Clickers and Bloaters and Pedro Pascal – Oh My!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-e99zb-136c267

2023 is off to quite the start! This week we have a lot of nerd news and gossip that we just can’t contain ourselves over. We return to our roots and discuss our thoughts 

Episode 58 – Will you be my Daddy, baby?

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-sj5jm-1363bd7

The Relatable Nerds are back on their bullshit.

Join hosts Ilsa and Kyra in their discussions on Last of Us hype, upcoming Phase 5 Marvel shows and movies, and their ideas for the Blade movie…just re-release the original Blade Trilogy…

The nerds are stunned when they heard that Adam Driver is rumored to play Mr. Fantastic in the upcoming Fantastic 4 movie. What’s next? IS BERNIE SANDERS PRESIDENT?

Silly nerds, Bernie Sanders will always be our president.

The self-proclaimed Porg Champs also recap the latest episodes of The Bad Batch, 1-3! 

Join us next week as we continue our Bad Batch Talk and recap the first episode of The Last of Us!!!!

Joel, Will you be my daddy, baby?

Episode 57 – 2022 In Review (Our Favorite Moments)

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-fd93f-1356901

We’re fashionably late to 2023 per usual.

Who even counts the first week of the new year? The correct answer (if you’re us and live in a cold seasonal climate) is no one.

From Ezra Miller’s antics to the release of Dr. Strange, to the Don’t Worry Darling drama and Harry Styles’ acting skills, and our favorite shows of the year – Obi Wan Kenobi and Moon Knight – we had many highs and many lows. Underneath it all, we just continued to distract ourselves from the outside world by hyper focusing on our nerd news.

Thank you so much for your continued support throughout the past years. Its been a wild ride and 2022 truly showed us that we have such an amazing audience, that expands all around the world, that is hard to fathom sometimes. 

Here’s to 2023. It’s time for the Relatable world takeover. You guys in?!

Episode 56 – Rebel Hearts

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-j9hpk-132faec

We can’t believe this is the final episode (for now) of us discussing Andor. How did the past 12 weeks fly by so quickly? It feels like we’ve been waiting for Andor for literal years and just like that….its over. 

But worry not. Andor will be returning for a second season sometime in 2024 we predict! Apparently this will lead directly into Rogue One as well, so it will be absolutely intense and we’re not even remotely close to being ready to say goodbye to our Cassian.

We also review the Guardians Christmas special! Please give a warm welcome to Kevin Bacon (as himself) to the MCU. He killed it. This is a must watch, especially this holiday season. 

There’s A LOT of trailers out this week as well. We review our favs and have some special nerd news updates.

 

Thanks for tuning in! 

Episode 55 – I Want Candy

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ry2k2-130b5ac

Sorry for our brief hiatus – it was Halloween week and we were celebrating our favorite holiday of the year. Some people do birthday months (we also partake) – we do Halloween all year round, but the month of October is the busiest of our lives….and the week Halloween hits – forget it! 

We have the ultimate Star Wars nerd news roundup this week, with a final cast announcement for the upcoming show, “The Acolyte,” which takes place 200 years before The Phantom Menace and during the fall of the High Republic. If this means nothing to you yet – we got you covered and explain what could potentially go down in this incredible series!

This week’s Andor episode was suspenseful and heartbreaking. What a privilege it is to finally watch women lead the rebellion in such vast and different ways. The levels to this show are so powerful and we could honestly go on and on about how inspiring it is to see women of color fight the fight we have all been fighting our entire lives. Kudos to you Star Wars – consider us even more in debt to you.

Sleeping With The Devil

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-r9x4q-12e48c2

On This Week’s Episode of Relatable Nerds, 

Ilsa and Kyra get to discuss three different nerd shows! 

The penultimate episode of She-Hulk took both of our nerds on an exciting journey, finally getting to see the hottie that has been teased since before the show even premiered!

After that, it’s off to Aldhani to hang out with our old pal, Cassian AKA Clem! He’s still chilling with Chef Richie from The Bear. COUSINNNNNN!!!!!!

Meanwhile, our favorite Senator Mon Motha is experiencing some friction with her family. 

As always, we love to our episode with some HOT D! 

House of the Dragon that is, and this episode was full of twists and turns, but the biggest twist of the episode was the semi-happy ending for Rhaenyra, Daemon, Laenor and Qarl???

Unfortunately we did have some recording issues this episode, but luckily it happened toward the end of the recording session, and we are saved by some quick recapping to finish out the House of The Dragon recap!

Thanks for waiting for this episode and can’t wait to bring you next weeks!