And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

Dis daddy, ok?

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

You stink, you fucking twat!

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

Wook how wittle Wolverine is! ❤

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

He jumped, dummy.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

No caption needed for this one.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

Hey, you got some Schmutz on your face.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Um, can you please go fix your tie.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

X-Force #1

Yeah, X-Force #10 literally just came out, but here I am recapping the first issue from November 2019, because I AM BEHIND. It’s a pandemic, okay? And I also recently got into Dune. So that’s been a whole thing.

X-Force #1 is a new Diddy by Benjamin Percy and Johnathan Hickman.

So, like, let’s recap it shall we?

First there is this meeting of pureblood muggles who hate mutants and they want to discuss how to kill all the filthy mutants but first they need to take a blood test, because if someone inside the meeting has mutant blood they have to kill them.

So, this was back in November 2019 right? I HAVE to assume that’s where all the supplies for virus testing went and that’s why it took 6 months to get COVID-19 tests to America. WOW. The more you know.

Back to the scene, obviously there’s a mutant here, cause there is one bitch in this creepy ass masked crowd who is like heheheh, I’m wearing gloves, so blood testing is, er, not easy with those on, aye?

Then she jumps up and beats everyone to death! Just kidding they beat HER up. And who is it? It’s Domino! WHOAAA.

Movie voice: Everything was going according to plan, until her lucky streak ran cold.

I literally just got my hair done, can you not push my head onto the floor? Like wtf?

MEANWHILE,

The Beast and Wolverine are on Krakoa, this island of mutants and monsters which we already know about because I recapped Cable #1.

Beast is following monsters around for science, not for a lay. Wolverine is beating up monsters for sport, so they disagree about stuff. THAT’S IT.

Of course the Beast is soft, look at the fur. FLUFFY AF.

Next scene, Black Tom Cassidy is now a plankton. He straight up just listens to plants all day as they crawl over his body making him look like he needs a shower.

The plants tell him that Kitty Pryde is arriving on a giant ship for some reason with a bunch of mutant refugees.

Why is she standing like that? When did Kitty become Jack Sparrow?

There’s a scene after this of some large guy getting on a plane.

Does this picture make you want to lick your finger and rub it across this guy’s black dot on his forehead? No? Just me. Fine.

So then, Sage and Charles Xavier are hanging out and Sage is like “I dunno where Domino is.” And Charles is like “Okay, then, bye.” Then he walks through a mirror and ends up at a party in Sokovia where he immediately starts chugging champagne. This guy can live!

Back on the plane with the mole guy, they hit some turbulence and everyone freaks out and grabs that air thing that falls from the top when you’re in an airplane? What the hell is that called? The thing where they tell you to put your on before you put it on your own baby? Because baby can hold their breathe longer or something? Yeah that thing. Anyways, I digress. Mole man does not put the air thingy on his face and instead him and some other muscle dudes get together and take off all their clothes.

Then they put on new clothes and jump out of a plane.

Sexy Time.

These dude bros are headed for Krakoa. Charles Xavier returns from his party and he’s wasted, and Tom Cassidy is like, “the Earth is telling me things are getting weird, bro.”

And Charles is like, “is this about the refugees, bro? Cause that’s fucked up, and Sage deals with that anyways. Do you like your job? Because a lot of people don’t like that you have it, bro.”

Then Tom is like “BRO! RUN!!”

Cause the muscle dudes are shooting at everyone.

So they run and things like “BUDDA BUDDA” and “KROOM” are littered across the pages.

Then for some reason, Black Tom lets everyone know that his genitals stink?

There’s got to be an ointment for that.

The island of Krakoa does some fun shit, like come up and strangle bad guys with its vines. Then Charles ends up in the middle of a clearing and he puts his hands up in surrender and then one of the dudes shoots him and everyone is like “GASP” and “NOT AGAIN!” and “HE JUST STARTED WALKING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?”

And then Sage, who was not fighting at all and in some room somewhere is like “Hey guys, are you there? I can’t feel Charles anymore, how is this possible?”

And it’s like, damn Sage, you can’t figure out why his spirit disappeared from your radar while there are explosions all over the island? She stupid.

AND THAT WAS IT!

Killing off your main character in the first book was stolen right from George R.R. Martin, but I guess it’s fine. All ideas are borrowed anyway right?

What did ya’ll think of this issue? What did ya’ll think of this recap? Let me know in the comments below who you think the dumbest a-hole is in this issue. Is it Black Tom for referring to himself in third person?  Charles Xavier for getting his ass shot and killed again? Or Piotr for still hanging out with Kitty Pryde?

 

My Must Read List For Quarantine

Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.

1. Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
2. Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
3. Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
4. Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
5. Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
6. The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
7. Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
8. The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
9. Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
10. Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
11. Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
12. Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
13. Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
14. Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
15. Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra

I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.

Cable #1 Comic Book Recap

My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.

Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.

The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.

Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?

Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.

Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!

soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.

“I can feel my hair growing”

Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.

Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.

Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.

The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.

The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”

Purple blood? FABULOUS!

This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”

WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.

Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”

Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”

The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.

THE END!

NOT!

There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.

Now The End.

Look, I’m old again!

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?

I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.

Except Cable’s best friend, Deadpool.

Keeping hope alive for a crossover. 

 

 

 

 

 

Hunt for Wolverine The Claws Of A Killer #1 comic book recap

Ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to present to you, something even cooler than I initially thought would be amazing. Truly, truly, truly, this #1 issue comic book is basically my dream scenario come to life.

Now, let’s get to boring you with the details in this here recap…

Some background before we get into this 4 issue run written by Mariko Tamaki.

Logan has been killed and the X-Men have come to terms with his death. But soon, there is an attempt made to steal his corpse. Unfortunately for the thieves, that corpse is on the move…

SPOOKY SCARY! WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH!

So yeah, everyone is like “oh shit, the body is gone, what do we do? Let’s solve this mystery and if he’s not dead let’s put him back underground.” YAY!

The comic book begins in Maybelle, Arizona population: 343. A fabulous high-class bar and its classy patrons are getting angry at the “game” and how there are no “players” anymore just “bodies.” I have no idea what sport they’re watching, but I assume it is Rugby because I don’t know anything about that game and therefore assume the worst about it.

 

YA! Useless dummy runners!

 

The bartendress happily changes the channel when the power goes out and the elegant patrons get grumpy. Some first-rate civilians offer to head to the “power station” to figure out the deal with the electricity.  They are bumbling around trying to fix shit, when they hear a THUNK and decide to find out where their buddy, Larry went.

They follow the noises to a control room where they find their old pal, Larry slumped in a chair bleeding from his mouth and a really hot guy standing oddly tall for someone who is 5’3, in a plaid shirt, jeans, and accessorizing with some adamantium claws for a little sparkle to the wardrobe. A really nice effect, IMHO.

 

Girl, is this the Met Gala? Cause you got a Heavenly Body!!

 

I think we can guess what happens here…

Back to the bar…

Bartendress and hillbilly man are discussing who is funnier between the two of them. Obviously, bartendress wins. Then like, this green blast of light overtakes the entire town and Bartendress is like, “Ew, why?” And then the hillbilly patron guy’s eyes start bleeding, and then the bartendress is super like, “Ew, now seriously, why?”

SO that happened. NEXT, We find the heroes of our story. Who are actually villains? HOORAY!

You can probably guess who they are based on the cover. OH, BTW big shout outs to Greg Land for the cover art and Butch Guice for the awesome and crude-looking (in a good way) artwork.

So Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike (BFF GOALS) have set a meeting with the lovely little Daken aka the son of Wolverine. Also -side note- Daken hates his dad… But, don’t we all?

 

Um, he said “rotting” not “rottin'” Get someone get this guy a dictionary?

 

The trio decides to team up and find the missing Wolverine corpse that the Reavers were trying to steal but couldn’t, Daken is like “oh we’re friends now?” Lady D is like, “Actually, no, but we’re gonna be friends until we find and kill this guy.” Then Daken is like good because Sabretooth sucks, and Sabretooth is like, “Yeah, I’m actually the worst.”

 

So, does Daken do that to his hair, or is it like, natural? Like Logan’s cowlicks?

 

So Lady D has a way to find and track Wolverine. They get on the road and get to tracking. This leads them to the same bar in Maybelle Arizona. Daken takes one sniff of the air and decides that his dad isn’t there. Sabre and D-Stroke decide they have to go #1 (or so they claim) and they might as well stop and look around anyway.

Daken is like well this is boring being trapped in the backseat of the car, reminds me of my childhood. OMG WAIT I DIDN’T HAVE ONE!! So he cries and is like I should HEAL THIS CHILDHOOD WOUND BY POUNDING ALCOHOL INTO MY FACE.

Thank you, Science Cat.

Daken unwittingly heads into the classy bar and finds himself face to foot with the bartendress. But before he notices her, he notices these two goons.

 

Daken’s face is priceless. He’s like “hmm, this is somewhat unexpected.”

 

It becomes increasingly obvious that something is going on. ESPESH CAUSE THEN THIS HAPPENS:

 

Face to foot. LOL I’m Hilarious.

THAT’S RIGHT FRIENDS!

FUCKING ZOMBIES. OH MARIKO TAMAKI! YOU WIZARD OF THE YARN!

Wolverine + Zombies = Goals.

So Daken gets his foot bitten and then all the undead patrons come out of the blue and start attacking him. As he fights back he notices that he isn’t healing. Eventually, they all climb on top of him like in one of those Rugby tackle-things. (I ASSUME) and bury him underneath their dead, rotting bodies. YUM!

 

Now is this a ruck or a maul? I always get so confused.

 

TO BE CONTINUED CITIZENS!!

Now side-note and personal storytime, I shared this comic book with a friend of mine and he said wtf, why are there zombies? And to that, I say, WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE!? MORE ZOMBIES PLEASE. EVERYWHERE THERE SHOULD BE ZOMBIES ALWAYS!!

What side of the fence are you on? Are you roaming free with the undead or are you building a utopia free from their oppression? Let me know in the comments! OH! And if you have a zombie escape plan I would love to hear about that too! If you think zombies are dumb or a played-out trope, you are wrong, but I would still like to hear your side!!

BYE FRIENDS!

 

 

 

X-Men Red #1 Comic Book Review

I thought I had bought this comic book 20 times on accident because the complete cover is advertised on the back of every single Marvel Comic Book so far from 2018. It seems that Marvel really, really wants us to buy this one. So I figured it was important and picked it up.

X-Men Red is written by Tom Taylor and drawn by Mahmud Asrar. In this book, Jean Grey has risen from the Phoenix ashes and now leads an all-star cast of mutants, including Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Gentle, Namor, Trinary, and Honey Badger.

 

Squaddddd!!!!

 

The book begins with Jean waking up a little girl in the middle of the night. (creep) But not physically, but by speaking to her through her mind. (creep)

The little girl is warned that “They’re coming.” And sure enough, an angry mob carrying tiki torches busts down her house’s door. She jumps out of bed and out of her bedroom window onto the roof. All of these mob people, and it should be noted that they’re all white, are chasing after this little Asian girl calling her a “mutant.”

 

YES! IT WILL TAKE 40 PEOPLE AT LEAST TO TAKE DOWN THIS 60lb CHILD!!

 

She jumps off the roof and lands on the wet grass in the rain and starts running from the mob. She loses her footing somehow and the mob surrounds her. She pleads with them claiming that she is not a mutant, (liar) but her mom walks out with a gun in her hand and points it right at her daughter (cause she knows this lil bitch lyin right now). The little girl is like “wtf?! MOM!” And the mom DGAF and her and her mob friends start shooting their guns at her, because one gun couldn’t have taken out an 8-year-old girl, no at least five guns shot multiple times is necessary. Ask any unarmed black kid ever.

Luckily Jean Grey shows up with Nightcrawler and Wolverine and she uses her telekinesis or whatever and was able to stop the bullets with her mind.

 

If the kid was running through muddy grass, how are her feet clean? Is this part of her mutant power? I guess we’ll find out…

 

Nightcrawler BAMFs them out of there and into Searebro, which is a place that a giant great white shark lives. The shark immediately tries to eat the little girl and she’s like “AHHH!” Then Honey Badger is all “that’s Harold, he won’t hurt you.” Ya fucking right Honey Badger.

Jean Grey addresses the little girl as “Heather.” She lets her know that she is safe with them now.

This book is Part 1 and it is titled: Heal The World. BY THE WAY.

Two months earlier a woman is minding her own business driving a car around Roosevelt Island in NYC when she gets carjacked by two thugs in masks with guns. Unfortunately for the thugs, the woman’s mutant baby is in the backseat and he freaks the fuck out. The baby’s cries are problematic. His cries manage to burst the windows of the car and all surrounding buildings.

Wolverine and Honey Badger are on the case. Honey Badger covers her ears with her hands while Wolverine simply bleeds from her ears. They reach the car and Wolverine puts her hand over the baby’s mouth which just makes it worse and the baby really freaks out. The scream is so piercing that the skin on Wolverine’s hand, where she placed it over his mouth, completely melts off.

Jean shows up and saves the day again. Like who needs heroes when we have Jean Grey? She’s really all we need. She calms the baby down and returns the baby to his mom and adds a psychic suggestion to the baby’s brain that he not cry so much. How about never, Jean?

 

Enviable thigh-gap, terrible outfit.

 

Jean warns the mom that there will be public fallout from his screaming. Because if the baby ain’t a fetus it loses its rights.

The next scene is the news, both sides are arguing over the baby’s right to live. Like I said, once the fetus leaves the womb, it has no rights. Especially cause this baby is black. I should highlight this.

Jean Grey decides that she wants to change the world, so she travels all around the world getting people to help her cause. She also decides that she is not smart enough to heal the world, which is the smartest thing she could possibly decide so she gathers every genius that she can into one room and blows them all up.

I’m kidding.

She digs through their brains searching for ideas to “heal the world.”

Then she walks over to a cliff and calls Nightcrawler over to her with her thoughts. He BAMFs to her and she tells him to look over the cliff because she wants to share an idea with him. He goes to look and then she pushes him off the cliff.

I’m kidding.

No, he starts crying because the idea she shows him is so beautiful it brings him to tears. He offers to help her to make this idea a reality and she’s like “great, next step is I need to head to Atlantis.”

 

blue crying baby ass bitch

 

So she goes to Atlantis wearing a zip-up hoodie, biker shorts, and dirty ass sneakers. She clearly is not trying to impress Namor and his 8-pack. She lets him know that she needs his help and he’s like “Bitch, Imma king, Ain’t nobody got time for dat.”

Then she’s like “I’m headed to the United Nations and I need a country to be behind me.”

And he’s like “is that all?! Well, okay.”

 

Probably cause you won’t even put on pants for them. 

 

So she heads on down to the United Nations wherever that is. Apparently, it is in New York City. Idk.

Jean walks up like a boss in a hot suit with her cleavage showing subtly in one frame then her tits are all out there in the next frame. Apparently, as she gets heated during arguments sometimes buttons fall open or something. She asks all the United Nations if mutants can be their own nation and if she can represent them. Her boobs seem to only impress the fake countries of Atlantis and Wakanda since they’re the only ones that stand up to acknowledge “the mutant nation.”

The Ambassador from the UK follows Jean Grey out of the hall once she’s done making her statement and they speak. It gets a little creepy because the UK ambassador starts saying weird shit like “you are not the Phoenix Jean Grey anymore you cannot rise” and shit especially got weird when her head exploded.

 

This picture isn’t doing the tits justice, but trust me they are there.

 

Obviously, it looked like Jean made her head explode, so the SWAT team that is there shoots her. But Namor jumps in front of her and stops the bullets with his chic bracelets a la Wonder Woman. I “Wonder” if he borrowed them? Heh. So Wolverine slices the gun the SWAT guy is holding in half then Nightcrawler swoops in and says we gotta go.

BAMF.

It turns out Cassandra Nova was behind the UK woman’s head exploding and was also inside her head controlling the shit she does.

You know how earlier I said that Jean was the only hero we need because she can beat anyone. Well, I guess Tom Taylor decided to give her a match worth fighting.

 

I almost uploaded a photo of Bullseye. Would anyone have noticed?

 

SCURRY.

How do you guys like the Red series so far?

What else are you reading?

Do you want me to read something first and then tell you your own opinions on it by letting you know my opinion?

Leave it in the comments and I’ll be sure to pick it up next Wednesday.

In the meantime, you can look forward to something other than Marvel the next two weeks because…wait for it…

I’M RECAPPING KICK-ASS AND HIT-GIRL!!!

YUP. Image type shit in this betch!!

You won’t want to miss it! Same time, same place: Next Saturday at 2 pm CT!!!!!!!

 

Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!

This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.

So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.

Respect.