This is a Rat Queens one-off. With a quote “cyberpunk” futuristic story.
Idk if you’ve read the original Rat Queens story, but it’s pretty good and if you have not yet, I advise you to check it out.
I stole my first volume from a friend and never gave it back. I probably still have it but I don’t feel like looking for it otherwise I’d let you borrow it.
I don’t know if this story is going to need you to know the background, so I’m not going to explain it. That’s why you have Google, bitches.
The sassy murderers for hire have landed in some futuristic city but not everything is futuristic. For example, the cars look old school. V Confusing.
That’s Dee in that car I think. Dee is this warrior/mystic princess woman from the original book. Here she seems to be some sort of magical hacker.
She pulls up to a theater with the headline “My Grandmother Died…Help!” on the marquee.
She pulls up to the valet as a paperboy yells at her with a newspaper in his hand talking about Castywir. I don’t know who Castywir is, but we may find out later.
Dee heads into the theater where a man is asking for money to get his grandmother a proper burial. He’s up on a stage and there are not too many people in the audience, but there are other’s watching him cry on Facebook live and donating money to him. It’s weird.
So then get this, she gets right on stage with this guy and he keeps talking like nothing is happening and she stabs him in the neck with this octopus looking thing and then she is transported into a matrix filled with letters and numbers. I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
So then she’s like “oh this guy is a scammer.” Yeah anyone who raises money to bury their grandma is a scammer if they’re white, ok?
So she’s uploading something, then some bing noise starts going off and her foot lights up and she’s like “sorry ladies, we’re about to get some company.” And then she just falls backward and we’re back in the city, but this time all the rat queens are there.
IDK WTF happened. But Dee is sitting there happily with Violet, Hannah, and Betty, and she says the same line “We’re gonna have company” or whatever. Hannah is like this is taking too long already. Violet has a 5 o’clock shadow and a cigar hanging out of her mouth and its not fucking cute, and Betty is like “our attackers are in the elevator. Get ready.”
A bunch of creepy dudes crawl out of the elevator and the Rat Queens just shoot em up, but then outside there is a “phase dragon.” Which does not look like a dragon at all.
Some Jurassic Park humor for you brains out there.
So the dragon/turkey in the sky exhales some magic spell on them that doesn’t affect Hannah because you need to have a soul to be affected. So she turns around and shits a spell on his dusty-ass right back.
Then they jump out of the open window like badasses and scale down the side of the building to their friends who are waiting in a van.
They didn’t kill the dragon yet tho.
Luckily there’s a convenient sunroof where one of their friends has popped out of with a machine gun, and the machine gun friend decides to shoot the dragon a million times.
So yeah their friend shoots the dragon down and is all, “I’m really cool for that.”
Then the Rat Queens are like “whatever, bye.” And they head to the nearest taco truck for some delicious treats.
So yeah read that panel because I’m lazy. They’re basically like why are we working this. There must be something else going on! BUM BUM BUHH
Then Hannah is like “I have sex with Sawyer.”
And they’re like, “Yeah you’re a skank.”
Then they start discussing the scammer.
So then that guy walks past them and Violet is like “hey, that’s the guy lets hurt him.” So Hannah blasts the scammer guy who is conveniently walking near them.
Dee: Hello Mr. Dead Grandma. Why you do bad things?
Mr. Dead Grandma: Well-
Betty then knees the scammer man in the pelvis.
Then he said it was all Castiwyr’s fault. You know that guy from the newspaper in the beginning.
Told ya so.
Mr. Dead Grandma: he’s blackmailing me.
Dee: How did he get your information
MDG: I signed up for a dating site.
Betty: Awww. 😦
Later, the Rat Queens head to LOVEME corp to get to the bottom of this shit.
Oh I’m starting to understand things. Dee is at a party at the LOVEME building, but she is a digital version of herself. Which makes more sense as to how she was able to stab MDG in the neck in the beginning of the story without anyone in the audience saying shit.
So all of these digital versions of themselves are having a party. One fish girl is talking to some blonde guy. They’re hitting it off really well then Dee shoots him in the forehead. And she’s like Hey Fish Girl sorry but that’s a phishing AI. And she’s like oh that makes sense. He wanted to know all of my deepest darkest secrets.
The Fish GIrl asks Dee to make out, Dee declines and hops into the alternate world of the Phishing AI, but she is nervous because Castiwyr is a really good hacker and if she goes too far she’ll die. Probably.
Dee finds out where Castiwyr lives and sends the location to the Queens. They head to his trash house. Which is in a literal looking dump. They find him dressed up like Transformers meets Prince IV.
So they fight him off while Dee snoops around to get his info.
They hit him with axes and swords and shoot him with guns.
They easily take down the TRANS-PRINCE BOT. Sounds politically incorrect, but I’ll keep it.
Betty is like now what? Was he inside of there? Should we beat whatever is left of him.
Then Dee is like actually come over here. And they go inside this, what I imagine is a hacker’s shed, and they find this ugly ass troll hiding inside.
Wow. This hits on so many levels.
So the Queens out this mother fucker as a troll. He is not the handsome, humanitarian hacker, he is a literal troll who blackmails people looking for love! What a ho!
THE END!
If ya’ll like this recap share it with your friends. And if you did not, keep your wrong opinions to yourself.
BYE BYE!!!!!!!!!
Comic Book Bitch 