Okay ya’ll, I’m obsessed with the new HBO series Watchmen. And because of this I have decided to go back and re-read the Watchmen series! I was a little rusty on some details and I don’t want to miss the little things they hide in these episodes!! I read this comic for the first time maybe more than a decade ago so, obviously, some things I have forgotten.
So, I went into the dusty ass container that lives under my bed that I got from the container store like five years ago, and searched for my aggregated Watchmen book that got a spike in sales right before the movie came out.
And as it goes I barely remember a damn thing, so I better recap this for you, so you don’t need go through all the trouble of digging up your old copies of the Watchmen.
We begin with Rorschach’s journal entry. He saw a dog carcass on the day of his journal entry. He was pretty excited about it because then he lept over into this whole diatribe about how the world is going to hell and he tried to warn everybody and they didn’t listen and now he doesn’t care about them at all. He also seems to hate communists and drunks. He also doesn’t care for intellectual liberals. Well I may be a liberal, but I’m certainly not an intellectual so I’m sure I’m pretty cool in this guy’s book.
Next we go to two detectives trying to figure out a crime. A man fell from his high-rise, splat on to the ground below. His door was kicked in first, so it isn’t a suicide, it’s a possible murder. They figure that because the man who was murdered was a large guy, really muscular and full of scars from before, he would have put up a fight, therefore it must have been more than one perpetrator.
The detectives decide to not make a big fuss about the case because they don’t want any vigilantes getting on the case. One detective points out that since the Keene act of ’77 the only vigilantes around anymore work for the government. The second vigilante points out that Rorschach still vigilants. Freelance work, mostly, I assume.
While they are discussing Rorschach and how he sucks because he murders people to get to the truth and then THEY have to deal with all that paperwork, which Ya know, I get it, then they pass by him. Without the mask of course. So they don’t recognize him. But he’s there all right, holding a picket sign and looking crazier than an armpit on a snake.
Hours later Rorschach comes back in his suit with the mask and all. He decides to do some detective work his damn self.
He knows just where to look, too. Much like the Watchmen series, the victim was hiding something strange in a secret part of his closet. Rory goes ahead and pushes a not well hidden button in the tiny ass empty closet and inside is a hero uniform complete with some heeled boots. This guy may have just been gay honestly and really into the club scene. He looked like a Bear. Rory doesn’t seem to agree because he also finds a photo of the Minutemen.
In the next scene two old men are hanging out in a bar. One is telling a story about how he ran into a villain from the 40’s who is now retired and married and has children. They are both Nite Owl’s. One was from a different generation, and the older one says the younger one was a better Nite Owl and he could have done even more in his days if they never passed the Keene act in ’77.
Danny, the new old Nite Owl, or old new? IDK. The younger one walks the older guy, Hollis home and then goes on his way down these darkened streets. He makes it to his apartment to find Rory eating a can of beans in his kitchen. Like he didn’t even warm them up. Also is that the best food you could find in that guy’s apartment? He didn’t have a frozen pizza in his oven? Da Fuck.
Daniel offers to warm his beans, but Rory is fine eating cold beans. Cause he’s fucking weird. Anyways, that no pizza-loving ass throws a badge at Danny. A badge that he found on the body that was thrown out of the window. It is stained with what Rory calls “human bean juice.” Or blood as normal humans would call it. Technically all men are beans though.
Turns out the badge belonged to the Comedian from the Minutemen, and the suit that Rory found in the closet was also his. They go down to Nite Owl’s little secret hideaway and Rory points out that its quite dusty down there. Rory believes that The Comedian was murdered by someone who wants to kill former heroes. Nite Owl thinks it was probably just a run of the mill robbery gone wrong. Rory doesn’t believe that because no regular guy could take down the Comedian. Nite Owl says it might have been political because the Comedian had been working for the government taking down Marxist governments.
Rory asks Danny about Hollis the older Nite Owl because he was in the Minutemen with The Comedian back in the day. Danny warns Rory not to go off scaring Hollis because he’s just an old man now. Rory says he only came as a warning just in case it does turn out that someone is going around “killing masks” and Danny points him towards the exit and lets him know it will let him off two blocks down into a warehouse. Rory says he remembers because they used to be partners. Danny is sad and is all “What happened to those days? They were nice.” And Rory simply says “You quit, ya bitch.”
In Rory’s new journal entry he says that he slept all day and awoke at 4:47 because his landlady was complaining about his smell. He then says that she has five kids by five fathers and she cheats off welfare. Whatever the fuck that means. He sucks. Anyways, then he writes next that New York screams like retarded children. I also am unsure of what he means by that.
Rory decides to go to a bar whilst judging everyone who goes to bars. He knows the bartender and terrifies him with his mere presence. But Rory isn’t here to kill anyone he just wants information on the killing.
But then this drunk guy just HAS to say something. When Rory says the dead guy is a friend of his, the drunk guy quips that Rory must have changed his deodorant if he has friends. Rory walks over to the drunk guy and bends his finger back for talking shit.
Rory then asks the room “Who killed Edward Blake?” But no one answers so he breaks the drunk guy’s next finger. And so on and so forth, until he realizes that no one knows anyone. He says the city is infected with rabies and he will now abscond to be with a better “class of person” and leave these drunks to discuss heroin and child pornography.
INTERESTING.
Rory goes to visit another old friend, Adrien Veidt, AKA Ozymandias. Rory says “Hey guy you’re smart what happened to the Comedian?” Ozy is all “buh, idk? Maybe the russians or some other politcal party?” Rory is all “No way, hoe. We got Doc Manhattan. Errybody afraid of Mericans.” Ozy is like “Well, I’m sure he has other haters the guy was basically a freaking Nazi.” Rory is like “he kept working and didn’t sell out on his image like you did with all of your Barbie dolls in your likeness. He ain’t a prostitute like you are. And if working hard makes you a Nazi, then I’m a Nazi too.” Ozy is like “yeah that’s obvious. Anyways, I quit being a hero because it was my choice and you’re being mean because I have Barbie doll royalties.”
Rory is like “okay whatever, I just came here to warn you that someone is targeting heroes. I’ll see myself out.” Then he just walks out of a window. And this guy’s place is higher up than the comedians. So then he falls to his death. And that was it. Pretty boring shit.
Rory goes to his next set of his buddies and it’s Laurie and Dr. Manhattan. HOORAY!
Laurie is all “GTFO, Rory, you’re wanted for crimes and this is a government base.”
Rory is all “oh shit, a girl….Oh I just came by to tell you that the Comedian is dead.”
Dr.M: Yeah we know, bitch. I work for the government and so did he. This is old news.
Rory: Yeah but I think it’s a whole big thing, not an isolated incident.
Dr. M: I don’t care. Live bodies and dead bodies are the same. I’m emo. She’s into it. That’s all that matters.
Laurie: Hey, I’m still here and guess the fuck what? I hate the Comedian because he tried to rape my mom. So there.
Rory: Yeah, tried. Didn’t succeed. Also men get horny. who cares? Three no’s and yes means yes, heller.
Laurie: I hate you. Jon make this loser leave.
Dr. M: Hey get out, you’re pissing Laurie off and she’s the only human being I feel anything for, so ya know, if she gets mad at me, that’s kinda it.
Rory: Um I came to warn you and your hoe that there’s someone targeting us for MURDER! And I’m not leaving until I-
Then Rory just disappears and reappears outside. Because Dr. Manhattan not only has a large, blue dick, he can use it.
Dr. M: Hey Laurie, u mad?
Laurie: I’m just so grossed out by that guy. He’s like weird af and a nazi. He doesn’t like women and has never been inside of a vagina and IT SHOWS. Also he smells and has a monotone voice. There I said it.
Laurie: I’ve calmed down a bit, and I want to get drunk now.
Dr. M: I don’t do that.
Laurie: Well, Rory mentioned Nite Owl. That Danny nerd. I’ll call him up and hang with him if you don’t mind.
Dr. M: Well okay, even though you clearly didn’t invite me, I just want to let you know that I can’t go because I want to keep working.
Laurie: K, thanks bye. Let me know if you see anything in the future that could possibly change our relationship status if you just told me to just stay here tonight.
Dr. M: Yeah, that’s not really my thing.
So Laurie and Danny make a date.
BACK TO RORY’S V IMPORTANT JOURNAL.
Rory realizes that nobody cares about the Comedian’s death except him. He says that there is only good and evil, which okay no. He’s crazy. He thinks he’s good when he’s clearly bad. What a nut. Chaotic Good or is he Lawful Good? I feel like he is Lawful evil. ANYWAYS. BACK TO LAURIE AND DANNY’S DATE.
Laurie wears her sluttiest dress to see her old friend. She offers to pay for the tab and that makes Danny uncomfortable, because Danny is neutral good. maybe lawful…anyways she is like “listen I work for the government and they’re picking up this tab because fuck em. I’m only around because it makes Jon happy.”
Danny: Are things okay with you and Jon?
Laurie: Sure. Except I’m 35 and I’m dating an ageless man. AND I WANT A BABY PROBABLY.
Danny: Mhm.
Laurie: What have I done with my life? I became a superhero for my stupid mom. Now I’m a pet for a superhuman man. Remember the slutty costume I used to wear so embarrassing.
Danny: Oh yeah. I remember. Supes embarrassing. Hehe.
Laurie: Hey let’s reminisce more about the old times.
Danny: Okay. Remember that guy who got off on getting beat up by heroes?
Laurie: Yeah he pretended to be a super villain. I beat him outside of a jewelers.
Danny: One time he just chased me down screaming “hit me”
Laurie: Whatever happened to that guy?
Danny: Rory pushed him down an elevator shaft.
Laurie: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Danny: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Laurie: A man is dead and I shouldn’t be laughing but God damn it that’s hilarious. Why don’t I ever laugh anymore?
Danny: The Comedian is dead.
BOOM ROASTED!
Then the comic book shows an excerpt from Hollis’ the original Nite Owl’s novel. Cause he wrote a tell-all.
It was boring.
OKAY THANKS FOR INDULGING ME BYE!!
Comic Book Bitch 