review – Comic Book Bitch

She-Hulk Episode 2 :Superhuman Law.

She-Hulk Episode 2 Recap

Welcome My Comic Book Bitches to another episode of How the Green Grass Mows.

If you’re looking for the episode 1 recap, let me save you five minutes of your life, it’s not there! But I will recap it if ya ask realllll nicely.

Episode 2 begins with a recap of episode 1 and it goes a little something like this:

This short, white girl shared needles with her cousin, then he took her to the beach because she turned tall and green.

Jumping into episode 2 we are shown a montage of news outlets talking about the widdle lawyer that stopped a superpowered influencer from destroying a court room. The News outlets dub her “She-Hulk” which Jennifer Walters doesn’t like, so in order to forget her pain she goes to her favorite after work watering hole.

A small feeble “man” walks over to Jennifer in her Hulk form, and begins needling her endlessly like a toddler trying to tell someone an uninteresting story. I know your story is gonna such toddler, you literally don’t leave your house.

Yawn, bitch.

Another small man walks over to Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form and his dick fully regresses into his stomach. He then asks her to make herself smaller, which is like such an old white man thing to do to a woman, and then proceeds to fire her for doing the right thing. His tiny dick pokes back out of himself and hangs sadly, as he proceeds to walk away from her after ruining her life for doing the right thing.

NOTHER MONTAGE TIME!!! This time Jennifer is out trying to get a job and she is turned down at every interview for being She-Hulk. UM MCCUSE ME, BITCH? WHY DID YOU EVEN CALL THIS POOR WOMEN IN FOR AN INTERVIEW IF YOU’RE GOING TO TELL HER THAT SHE HAS SUPERPOWERS SO YOU DON’T WANT HER.

Some things can be emails, ok?

Jenny and her bestie, Nikki, are hangin on the couch looking for jobs, because Nikki is a paralegal, and apparently a highly paid one because she is DRESSED to impress, ok? I thought those people made $15/hr and her outfit is looking like $15 a second. Jennifer gets a text from her mom about a family dinner so cut to family dinner.

Jennifer’s family is weird, and trying too hard to be funny. Ched especially has issues and seems like he missed a dose of one of his medications today.

Her whole family is very interested in her being She-Hulk and offer her advice and also ask her questions about superheroes she’s never met, or I assume hasn’t. Her father asks her if Hawkeye goes around collecting the arrows he used after he’s done with them, and to that I say, you clearly did not watch The Hawkeye series on Disney+ old man, because you would have seen that he does indeed pick them up and use them again.

Next scene, oh look she’s drinking again. -_-

Oh look she’s employed again!

The moral of this episode is that if you get fired, just go out to the bar by yourself and drink your worries away because a random man will come up to you, buy you another drink to get you more sloshy and offer you a job! Now this is the stuff of Disney dreams.

At She-Hulk’s new job, they surprise her by telling her that she has to be in She-Hulk form all the time, which as there was no interview and she accepted without any hesitation or hearing details, she was acting surprisingly pretty surprised about it. The best part of this scene is Pug. Pug is an actor whose name I don’t know, but I do know that he is in that show The Other Two and plays legitimately the same character in that show that he is portraying in this one. And I can’t complain because he is adorable in that show and he even gives the girls the map to the bathroom that is best for pooping and it is soooooo appreciated.

Pooping in an office is literally the number one issue I hear people who work in offices complain about so this is quite relatable to people who work in an office. I worked in an office for about three months once and when I pooped in the wrong bathroom I got so many dirty looks about it. I quickly learned that there was a correct toilet to poop in. So political in these offices. Yeesh.

I go where I go.

Jennifer gets assigned her first case and it is to Emil Blonsky, there is a bit of a conflict of interest there as he is The Abomination and tried to kill her own dear cousin, Bruce. Ofc, he is very charming and English accented now and no longer high on super soldier serum so he manages to turn Jennifer Walters to his side. And who can blame her? He is very charismatic.

IYKYK

Jen follows up with Bruce to see if it’s okay with him that she takes Emil on as a client, and Bruce reveals that he and the abomination have made up since their fight and Emil even wrote him a beautiful haiku.

Now putting behind a huge fight like that with someone that tried to take your life is pretty crazy, but that’s not the weird part the weird part is that Hulk was inside of a spaceship the whole time and then he jets off into space.

After She-Hulk accepts her job offer, her creepy boss tells her to turn on the news, and then she sees that people have finally seen Shang-Chi, even if they didn’t make it out to the theaters it’s been streaming long enough, and the world now knows about the Abomination cage fighting in China. The issue is, he broke out of jail to go to China. So that’s tough, but if you saw Shang-Chi then you know that it was actually Wong who broke him out of jail and sent him to cage fight. Which, like, if we get a Wong episode, I will shit. I won’t even use the map to find the good pooping bathroom, I will straight shit. Long Live Wong.

WONG (sorcerer) SUPREMACY!!!

Zaddy

Ms. Marvel Season 1 Episode 2 : Crushed

So last week, I watched the first episode of Ms. Marvel. I was never excited about this show in the first place because I am a crotchety, old man, but one of my friends said it was amazing so I was excited to watch.

I fucking hated episode 1.

But that could be because I am still a crotchety, old man. So here goes episode 2.

It starts by Kamala walking into school with some BDE. She isn’t the same shy weirdo she was before. Now she is a bad bitch taking control of her life.

She runs into a really hot dude in a meet cute type of way and they lock eyes for just an instant long enough for us to get the idea that she wants to bang this dude.

THEN her nerdy friend runs into her in a less cute way, and then as an audience we’re like, ohhhhhh okay. This is a Kim Possible / Ron thing.

Even when the main character is a hot woman, she still ends up with the fucking loser. Jesus can’t WE ever win?

Skinny white men winning even out here in Pakistani-led tv series. SMH.

K, the scene is bleeding into the next one. Kamala and her nerd friend are walking down the halls as the kids look at their phones, presumably, the budget Captain Marvel display has hit the YouTubes.

We’re introduced to another one of her friends, and maybe we met her last episode. I don’t remember and I don’t care to look into it.

The popular girl, Zoey who Kamala saved last episode is bragging about almost dying and she decides to throw a party to celebrate her suicide ideation. And Kamala and Krew don’t fuckin care, that is until Zoey invites the hot guy that Kamala had a meet cute with earlier.

WERE THEY EVEN FUCKING INVITED. HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?

CUT TO: Kamala is practicing with her new power bracelet, she almost kills her white boy best friend, Bruno, and she saves him just before she kills him, but in a sexy way. Cause she cuddles him to the ground and then lets her arm stay around his waist for just a second longer than necessary.

This teen girl horny af.

Insert Montage of Kamala practicing her powers.

Then next scene Kamala is going to church with her friend, Not-Bruno. And it seems that being a Sheikh ain’t cool for ladies, cause they have to hide behind a partition and sit on moldy carpet to pray. WTFFFFF

Turns out white men ain’t the only ones who are shitty! Brown men are terrible too!

GREAT!

K TIME FOR THE NERDS TO PARTAYYYY!!!!

At Zoe’s house there are children everywhere and there is a sexy grotto for some reason. Some dude gives Kamala a drink and tells her its orange juice, but it is mixed with vodka and she takes a sip and immediately asks if she is drunk.

Is anyone that innocent at 16? I’m truly wondering, because I certainly was NOT.

IRL footage of me in high-school.

ANYWAYS, the hot dude from the meet-cute earlier jumps from the top of a mountain in Zoey’s backyard into the sexy grotto, doing several flips in the air before he hits the water in a cringe-worthy belly flop.

He walks out of the water lookin all sexy with emoticons all around him before he ends up right in front of Kamala cause she is LUCKILY standing right on his shirt.

Unfortunately, the hot guy puts his shirt on and the cops come. Fortunately, hot guy has a car and he invites all the nerds to get in to escape the cops.

In the car ride, hot dude offers to take Kamala for a ride just them sometime and then they bond over Bollywood, and Bruno ain’t happy about it. I WONDER WHY.

Anyways, Hot Guy gives Kamala his number and offers to give her driving lessons. I’m sure that ain’t the only lesson he gonna give her. HEY-YOO

Next day at school Kamala has some issues with her powers and her nose turns into crystal. Luckily her best friend Nakia, who is super beautiful and fashionable btw hands her a tampon and everything is fine after that.

thx, but I use a menstrual cup because imma hero out here saving the environment

Meanwhile, Bruno is meeting with the school guidance counselor who has some good news. Bruno apparently applied for an immersion program at CalTech and he got in for next semester, but he doesn’t want to go cause it’s in California. WTF. Why you even apply then, idiot?

Bruno catches up with Kamala really quick to tell her about the CalTech thing, but she busy with the hot guy, Kamran.

THE NEXT SCENE MADE MY NERD BRAIN MELT BECAUSE KAMRAN AND KAMALA ARE DISCUSSING KINGO!!! THE FUCKING ETERNAL. The Eternal who dropped some comedic lines and dialogued plot points and then left the fucking battle…. BUT STILL I’M SCREAMING, CRYING, THROWING UP! asdfghjkl!!!

Why ain’t you use them finger guns when it matter, bruh?

Kamala’s brudduh and fiancee catch Kamala in a diner with Kamran, and Kamala lies to her brother and says Kamran is their cousin, which is gross cause Kamran was all up on her and they looked like they were about to touch tongue tips just before he walked up. Luckily her dumb ass brother didn’t notice but, his fiancee knew wtf was up.

So like the next part of the episode is about how the bangle who gives her powers belonged to her great grandmother Aisha who brought great shame upon their family, and no one wants to fucking tell her about it. She asks her grandma about it, and her grandma is like “Meh, I don’t wanna talk right now I’m tryna eat some mangoes, dawg.” So Kamala is like, erm, ok, I’ll ask my mom and her mom is like, weirdly angry about her asking. She’s all “that bitch brought shame to our family, don’t even bring up that hoe, I stg, I will throw hands.” So Kamala is like, “cool! thanks for not being cryptic at all!”

Ugh this show is long, but I think it’s almost over.

Kamala and her fam bam are headed to this Sheikh partayyy. Nakia is campaigning to get on the board of the mosque, so she gotta hit up all the cliques within the community. Those cliques are described to us in the SAME EXACT WAY Janis Ian (dyke) explained the lunch tables at the cafeteria in Mean Girls.

rawr rawr

The Mosque Bros – bunch a hot hunks who like taking pictures of themselves and spinning basketballs on their fingers.

Pious Boys – Couple of nerds who are probably covert incels.

Sunday school Teachers – A semi-diverse group of old hags.

Insta Clique – a group of girls who don’t wear Hajibs and probably give BJs to the Mosque Bros after Sujud.

The Converts/Reverts- Three white people and a black guy who probably all married into the religion.

Mini Harami Girls – Okay, I literally googled this and Harami means coming from the Harem, which is like forbidden and banned. So these are some hoes.

The IlluminAunties – Illuminati of the 616 Universe. Busy bodies who probably have Steven Strange on speed dial.

hot gos? I’m in.

Cut To: Zoe Zimmer getting questioned by the DODC.

Scene: FUCK DA POLICE.

Cut To: Kamala talking to the IlluminAunties about her great grandmother, Aisha. These aunties love talking shit and she hears that Aisha was a hoe and had a secret family and was also a murderer.

Now that’s the type of hoe I do like.

While Kamala is talking to the aunties, a dumb ass is hanging out of a window taking pictures of himself, and then he falls out the window, but luckily he grabs onto some curtain and that keeps him from straight up dying. Giving Kamala the chance to save him. The save is pretty damn messy and the kid ends up hurting his ankle somehow. But he fell on his back on a car. IDK. Plot holes.

The cops that were questioning Zoe end up coming after Kamala after her stunt, cause like, her spot was BLOWING UP on IG.

She runs away and then a nice ass car pulls up to pick her ass up, and inside it’s Kamran, her kissing cousin and his mama, who looks exactly like her great grandma. So now, it’s less kissing cousins and more kissing your uncle. Soooo…yeah….

WUTTTTT.

Okay, I gotta say I like this show now. Sure it’s not as fast-paced as Loki or whateva but it’s a different type a show. For tweens n stuff. And I am forever in a failure to launch mode so I am down for it.

They need to make another teen show like this but sexy like Gossip Girl and RiverDale.

sexi.

And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

DC finally decided to make The Flash Movie Happen

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Marvel’s Hawkeye LIVE REACTION!

Watch Ilsa and Kyra scream and cry about MCU. Just being in their element.

Live Reaction to Loki Episode 5- Journey Into Mystery

youtube.com/watch

In this episode I only go a little bit insane. Full of spoilers so watch with caution!!

Xoxo,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Comic Book Bitch

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Wanda Maximoff AKA the Scarlet Witch can travel through multiverses!

uhhhh what!!!

Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!

I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.

But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭

Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?

I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.

But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?

Am I thinking way too much into this??

Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.

Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories

Coming soon…

Morbius 2021 issue #1 comic book recap

The Empty Man Comic Book Recap issue #1

Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.

I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.

YIKES!

Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)

So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.

In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.

We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.

Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?

As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.

Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.

Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.

As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.

Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.

Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.

Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.

She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.

She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.

Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.

After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.

Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.

Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.

As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.

Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.

Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.

Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.

Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.

The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”

Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.

Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?

What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?

Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.

It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.

I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy

Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.

The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”

He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.

So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.

Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH

I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.

Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??

OKAY!

TA-TA!!