My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.
Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.
The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.
Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?
Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.
Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.
“I can feel my hair growing”
Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.
Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.
Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.
The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.
The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”
Purple blood? FABULOUS!
This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”
WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.
Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”
Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”
The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.
THE END!
NOT!
There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.
Now The End.
Look, I’m old again!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?
I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.
Mainly because it began with a nod to Regina George.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Okay betches, we outchea. Let’s talk about Dead Eyes Issue #1 from Image.
Another fucking banger from Image. Damn. Are we proud or what?
Look. They just wrote it out.
These guys were like, listen, this comic book betch really fucking hates having to type out everything about who wrote this shit that she is “invested in” and “truly enjoys” so you would think she would lovee to take a second out of her measley fucking day to thank us for bringing her hours of entertainment that she then makes fun of on her mediocre “blog.”
Wow guys, fucking rude. But I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Thank you again for dedicating an entire page of the book to just your names.
Why am I having a fight in my head with the editors of Image? I really can’t even begin to hash this out. Someone remind me to talk to my therapist about this. And by therapist, I mean my best friend’s dog.
Yeah, I don’t even have my own dog.
Don’t remind me.
So I’m super into this comic book. I really only got it, honestly based on the cover. It reminded me of Sin City/ Watchmen type shit and I was down for that.
It is right up those comics ally though, because it is filled with intrigue, thuggish fiends, and a male protagonist that has a gold-plated heart of blacknesses. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
Anyways, as a basic betch, I was super into how it started. Everyone was talking about Dead Eyes like he was the Regina George of Boston. They said shit like “his hair is insured for $10,000” and “I hear he does car commercials in Japan” and “omg one time he punched me in the face, it was awesome.”
One time he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.
They go on to say that he was basically a Robin Hood type since he robbed big businesses and drug dealers. According to the news, he made one big steal for 10 million dollars and that he hasn’t been seen since 1997. They undercut the footage of them saying 10 million and cut to a guy sitting in the dark watching the news saying 12 million. So I guess he stole that from that guy.
I want a tamale. That is all.
CUT TO: What dead eyes is up to present day. He lives in a little house in Boston with his lady, Megan. Megan is in a wheelchair and he has hemorrhoids. So things have not been going great. Megan is watching TV in her wheelchair and she’s excited because they’re talking about her mans on the telly. #DeadEyesIsBae
I also prefer to face a wall when the TV is on. WAY TO GO, MEGAN!
The news story is basically highlighting all of his crazy ass vigilante bs. And he gets in the shower and says the 90s weren’t as fun as they’re making it out to be on the news.
Aw. Sad.
Anyways, now the Dead Eyes vigilante is just some dork with a sweater vest. And he has to spoon-feed his girlfriend. Which goes to show how good a guy this vigilante really is. BECAUSE VIGILANTES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN COPS. ALL COPS DO IS SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE AND EAT DOUGHNUTS. THERE I SAID IT. omg you know what would be really funny? Like a sketch where these cops, I wanna say one is definitely played by Kenan Thompson (cause it would only work if the cop was black otherwise it would be a hate crime kinda sketch and racists would be like this is great completely missing the point that it is satire folks!) and the other one is hmmm idk either Pete Davidson or Kyle Mooney I’m leaning Kyle Mooney, and its like the first day for Kyle, and Kenan’s character is like “it’s pretty straightforward man, we basically chill out and eat doughnuts until there is some sort of emergency.” And then a black man approaches asking for help and Kenan just shoots him and Kyle is like “whoa what the fuck he just needed help!” and Kenan is like “idk man it’s just protocol.” And then maybe the black guy looked a little seedy idk. But then it gets increasing more obvious that they’re just shooting black people for no reason, because then it’s a black woman and then it’s black children. IDK. That would probably not make it to air, but I’m laughing. Oh God. Should I delete this? I’m sorry you had to read that. I have a dark sense of humor I suppose. It certainly would never make it to air because it makes light of a controversial and very sad VERY REAL situation sorry to get political. I hate cops. I DIGRESS.
A FEEDER KINK
They’re in love I guess. She refuses to eat the veggies he cooked which is shitty and I’m pretty sure she still can use her hands so I don’t understand why he is spoon-feeding her. I’m highly disturbed because it’s probably a kink. IDK.
Anyways, she tells him he’s going to be late for “tee time” which I originally read as “tea time” and I was like “oh shit they’re british.” but then he grabbed some golf clubs and left the house. HOWMEVER, it turns out he doesn’t go golfing everyday. He goes to greet people at the MART. He’s an old man greeter for Wal-Mart. Something that, my father who is in his 70s, cannot ever do because he is not genial enough. BUT APPARENTLY THIS MURDERER CAN.
Anyways he lies to his bitch because she’d be sad if she knew what he was really doing I guess. IDK. Boys are dumb.
These tiny, old houses next to that modern apartment building. SO fucking accurate.
So they ran out of money and now he hangs out at the Mart to make some extra dough but he vigilantes on the side ’cause in this economic climate everybody need a side hustle : See Comic Book Betch Blog. He uses the Mart as his way to find people to murder. For example, he finds first-time murderers all the freaking time!
Because their carts all look the same.
Oooo Drain-o can get rid of a body?? NOTE TO SELF!
So he swoops in and realizes that he’s seen this guy before with the same cart. Only this time his head is shaved. But he still recognizes him. He decides that he will check the guy out so he tells the cashier he is going to that the boss wants to talk to her so he can check the murderer guy out instead. The guy tries to pay in cash and Dead Eyes is all “oh sorry can’t do cash because the girl I booted out of here is in charge of the register so you can pay by credit and I’ll need to see an ID. SMOOTH AF. ANd the mo fucka almost does it. He gives the card and so Dead Eyes gets the name and then hands over the ID and Dead Eyes gets his address. Then the murderer guy is like actually I’m not going to pay by credit card and nopes the fuck out of there. Dead Eyes is all “okay, cool.” but deep down he’s like “Bitch I got yo address.”
Is he a fucking ginger? I literally did not even realize until this moment.
So Dead Eyes decides to go to that address after his shift I guess and he confronts the murderer man.
Thank God you wear a mask, you no soul-having ass ginger.
He enters the house as the crazy-ass mother fucker he is.
He smells something bad and follows his nose towards it. He finds a locked door, but before he can open it he is discovered. Also the guy has a knife with him. WHO WALKS AROUND THEIR HOUSE WITH A KNIFE? JUST ME? OKAY.
But Dead Eyes was expecting to get caught so he ready for him.
Oh, pleased to meet you. I’m Dead Eyes.
So they fight. Dead Eyes wins. Otherwise, this would be a very short run of comics. But he lets him live. However another dude, the guys partner or roommate whatever shows up and that would have taken Dead Eyes by surprise but as it turns out the roommate is a big fan of Dead Eyes and freaks out for a second which gives Dead Eyes the upper hand to murder his ass. But not kill him. Just to punch the ground on which he stands.
OUCH MY FLOOR!
So yeah he beats them up and they’re like please let us live and he’s like okay I’ll let you live whatever. Then he goes to the locked basement door or whatever and finds whats in there. And it’s three girls living in filth. So he decides to not let the dudes live and instead he murders them because yeah you can’t have dudes like these walking around the earth.
The craziest shit about this is that this really happens. SMFH.
So yeah Dead Eyes finishes the job and calls 911 because he’s a vigilante and can’t bring these hoes to safety. So he drives home. The cops don’t bother him because he’s just an old white man driving on the road and he gets home but Megan is awake and she knows something is up.
SITUATION: Your BF comes home at 4am smelling like blood and sweat. WHAT DO YOU DO?? A: He must be a vigilante fighting for justice! YAY! B: Are fucking serious, n*gga? Pack your shit and go motha fucka. TO THE LEFT!
Dead Eyes has to explain himself to Megan, she’s upset because she doesn’t want him putting himself in danger I guess. IDK. I can’t place her feelings because she immediately has a seizure.
AND HER SHOES ARE FALLING OFF!
CUT TO: That one guy who said “12 million” earlier but now he has more friends and they are still hanging out in the dark. Fucking kinky ass weirdos. I’m a kink-shamer btw. Don’t share unless you wanna be grilled.
They discuss that the women that dead eyes saved described their savior as having “dead eyes” oooo. So now these white men know that this other vigilante white man is back. And they’re shaking in their expensive ass boots.
This bitch is so Audacious he really think this guy has been living under a rock instead of his tiny house. Wow, he a real ass-bitch.
OOOO MAYBE! Anyways I’m intrigued. I’m V into this new series MEOW. I have many books to read coming up. If you want me to recap something you’ve read please let me know in the comments.
Comic Book Bitch 