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Suicide Squad Blaze Issue #2 Comic Book Recap

Hello,

and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch. Today we will be talking about our childhood traumas.

Well, never mind, let’s talk about how this new Suicide Squad series is traumatizing me.

What an incredible first issue, if you missed it here’s what happened: There’s a new big bad guy and he’s like Superman but without any humanity. He doesn’t care about money or fame he just wants to watch the world burn. A la Joker I guess? That’s what I was getting anyways. So yeah, Amanda Waller gets called in and she’s like oh shit we gotta take down this motherfucker let me make some potion that can turn my group of evil superhumans into the most powerful beings on the planet!!!

For three months.

Then they die.

She goes to her A Team first, and they all turn her ass down. A-Team= Harley Quinn, King Shark, Peacemaker, and Boomerang.

So after being turned down Amanda goes with Plan B: Having a bunch of super criminals fight it out for the chance to die in three months. And also get super powers. 5 make the cut. one dies on the way,(Boris) and his power is spread out to the remaining 4. Also taking a bit more life from each of them.

This is when we meet the hero of our story, Michael Van Zandt, a sad man who bonnie and Clyde’d with the wrong lady, Tanya. Some crazy hoe who likes to use Michael. I think? Unsure at this point.

Issue 1 left us with 4 superpower criminals with a death wish, and 4 members of the A Team suicide squad.

So issue 2 begins with Amanda Waller having a chat with Superman about the big bad she has her goons fighting. And it’s really funny.

She said “Grow up, you fucking cartoon” lmao

Meanwhile, Superman is battling the metahuman gangsta on his own, and Tanya and Michael are boning. But then she decides she’s not into it and says let’s go to sleep. Also Michael has invisible arms. This is the worst superpower ever, but hopefully shit got better when Boris died.

So, Superman was able to find and battle the meta human because he ate Boris and Boris, well, all of them, had a radioactive isotope or some shit injected in them so they could track the meta human. They find this out, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re all going to die before the radiation poisoning gets to them anyway.

Wow what a fun story. This is one you can share with the kiddos. They’ll just love it.

Poor baby King Shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Waller tells them their next mission, and it goes like this

Waller: Find and destroy the meta human. And if there is a hostage, you know, pick him up, or whatever. NBD. Not saying THERE IS ONE, but you know just in case.

Tanya: You mean, Superman? The one you sent in after us? Pretty sure he’s dead cause Meta Human dude ripped out his spine.

Waller: How the fuck do you know that?

Michael: We have shared visions now.

Waller: Ah fuck.

On to the mission, they find Superman and he is FUCKED UP! But he said nffhhh. So he prolly still alive. The jerk. ANYWAYS, they sense the meta human coming home early and they release this gas that Waller gave them that will, idk, do something to the creature, but really it does nothing, spoiler. So the expendable super-powered criminals start fighting each other, except for ol’ Mikey, who just sits back crying and sobbing.

Oh no! That’s our hero! Sort of!

And what he looks like is just a regular ass dude, other than the fact that he is covered in blood and shit and has an erection… So I guess, yeah just a regular ass dude. Nevermind.

Tanya dips out of the fight to find Mike, and she’s all “I hit him really hard, but I feel nothing, I just WANNA FEEL. Wah.”

Then the creature is all “sniff, sniff, I wanna kill this hoe.”

Then Mikey is all, “Oh no you don’t! I like, love her or something!” Then he blasts the creature away.

So the creature decides to murder Boomerang instead! Weeee!!!!

Harley aborts the mission and Xavi, the latino, who hasn’t doesn’t much so far in this series gets a little too excited that he didn’t die and then starts to implode on himself. So Peacemaker gotta come in and start a “Frenzy” Which is the codeword to make King Shark go into a… frenzy. And he eats Xavi before he can explode. And then King Shark gets his powers. Which made me shed some tears, because I don’t want baby King Shark to die!!!! He’s too adorable and sweet to die! It’s not his fault he’s a fucking shark!!!! Ugh. I’m so mad rn.

He just wanna call his mawwmmy.

After this clusterfuck happens, we learn that the meta human…

A. Has the same parasite, Blaze, that the convicts were pumped with

B. He has a sister

C. He won’t die because his species is hardy enough to take the parasite.

D. His species is as of yet, unknown. But apparently not from Krypton, cause they coulda just shot some green bullets and the m’fer in that case.

After learning all of this BS, the criminals are rewarded with alcohol and narcotics. They party and shit, and Mikey dances with Harley and kisses her. So Harley bites him, but that’s not what hurts, what hurts is that she THERAPIZES the shit out of him after that. It was incredible.

Good pep talk, Harls!

On to the next mission, the squad is up after the Justice League took some hits by the creature, so it’s weakened, but their objective for this mission is different, instead of kill, kill, kill, it’s acquire a sample of DNA. Blood, stool, or hair. Whatever.

AND after Tanya confesses her love to Mikey, Peacemaker rips a pubic hair off of the creature and their mission is accomplished!

Oh and the creature gets Lucille. Who was this crazy girl I never mentioned, but she is crazy and shook a baby to death to get into jail. So. No harm, no foul.

Mission not over though, cause this is when all the shit hits the fan. As Lucille is struggling not to blow up, Peacemaker got hit by a stray bolt of lightning through his chest. Harley tries to get Mikey and Tanya to fight back, but Tanya is now a sniveling little wimp just like Mikey and refuses to fight. She just wants to be with her love, and now Mikey don’t love her cause HE IS THE PARASITE. He took everything from her and made her like him. What a bitch.

Moral of the story is, men are trash.

I really like this series.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch.

Simon Spurrier – writer

Aaron Campbell – artist

Jordie Bellaire – colorist.

Peacemaker Series First Thoughts

Hello, and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch.

Today we will be deep-diving into the premiere episode of the new Peacemaker series on HboMax.

And by deep-dive, I mean I am going to explain deeply shallow thoughts about the series with which I have no business discussing.

Now, if you haven’t seen the first episode of Peacemaker then just read this sloppily put together recap of the first episode first and then we’ll dive head-first into the shallow end of a concrete pool.

The series takes place pretty much immediately, or as much time as it takes a clavicle to be replaced in the human body, after Suicide Squad 2.

For my thoughts on Suicide Squad 2, listen to my podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra.

If you don’t want to listen to the podcast then here’s my thoughts: I fucking loved it. Except I hated Peacemaker, but in a love to hate way.

And I continue on my love to hate way about him on this series since he comes off as a lovable oaf despite him killing my best friend, Rick Flag.

SO! Peacemaker/ Chris has had his clavicle replaced, then he’s released and he’s like ummm, am I going back to prison? And he has no friends, so he asks this hospital janitor that he smoked pot with once if there’s cops out there. And there conversation goes like this.

Janitor: No, there’s no cops. Why?

Chris: Cause I was in prison for killing people.

Janitor: Oh why?

Chris: Cause I’m a superhero

Janitor: You have the wrong body type to be a superhero. And your face is at most 5/10.

Chris: I’m a fucking superhero!

Janitor: Aquaman is a superhero. And he’s gorgeous af. Have you seen that bod? That hair? That face? Yummm. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling? Did you hear that Jason Momoa is single?

Chris: Aquaman fucks women, men, and fish.

Janitor: No he doesn’t.

Chris: He gives the guy who works at the aquarium $50 every week and goes in the fish tanks and has his way with all the little fishies.

Janitor: Nah.

Chris: It’s true, I read it on Reddit.

Janitor: Wow, I just got the name of that site.

So no one, including any police, are there to take him so he goes back to his home, a nasty trailer, and he realizes his phone is still working which means he has been paying his cell phone bill from prison for four years, which means he ain’t got no money. Then these nerds from Suicide Squad 2 show up and are like, “hey you have to work with us or we will blow up your head.” So Chris is like, okay. Then he goes to his dad’s house to complain about his phone bill. His dad don’t give af, all he cares about is white supremacy.

Oh somewhere during this time we are introduced to Tastee from Orange is the New Black, she is married to a woman whose vagina we see in later episodes, and they are mothers to three small doggos who like to wear fancy sweaters.

AND she is Amanda Waller’s daughter. Which is like, oh wow Amanda Waller can’t be that bad, she is a mother and her daughter is awesome. But then you’re like ohhhh wait she is like super demented using Deadshot and Bloodsport’s daughters as collateral for getting them to work fer her. lmao.

K, so Chris gets a new helmet from his daddy, and his pet Eagly back and Eagly hugs him which is cute. Then he meets up with the nerds at a diner, and he calls a waitress sweet cheeks referring to her facial cheeks, but we all know that’s not what it means.

God this recap is so long. Okay so then Peacemaker follows the hot blonde nerd to a bar and tries to fuck her, she tells him off, but also says that he is handsome. And it’s like, no he fucking isn’t. Like yeah, he is tall and muscular, but that face. That is not a hot face. He has 2/3 I’ll give him that. And 2/4 if you count personality, but he ain’t hot. Like you need at least a 3/4 to be hot. Some might argue with me that personality doesn’t matter when it comes to hotness, but as a straight woman I can tell you that with the filth I deal with on a daily basis a nice personality really does come in handy. But I digress.

Anyways, blonde nerd leaves and Peacemaker finds some white trash to bone, and that’s great for him. He’s been in prison for four years. He can live a little. Unfortunately, after they fuck over the sink, she turns crazy and attacks him with a knife and beats the shit out of him really bad, so much so that he has to hurl himself out of a window at five stories in the air, which is not good for his recently replaced clavicle.

He manages to crawl to his car and sends Eagly up in the air as he scrounges around for his brand new spanking helmet that his white trash daddy made for him. Meanwhile, the white trash girl has jumped out of the fifth floor window with ease and does a superhero pose for good measure.

ANYWAYS, White trash girl finds Peacemaker but he puts his little helmet on and sends out a sonic blast just in time to explode the bitch.

And that was the episode. No need to watch it if you haven’t seen it already because I did really good job recapping it.

OKAY THANKS BAI!

XOXOXO COMIC BOOK BITCH