She-Hulk Episode 2 :Superhuman Law.

Welcome My Comic Book Bitches to another episode of How the Green Grass Mows.

If you’re looking for the episode 1 recap, let me save you five minutes of your life, it’s not there! But I will recap it if ya ask realllll nicely.

Episode 2 begins with a recap of episode 1 and it goes a little something like this:

This short, white girl shared needles with her cousin, then he took her to the beach because she turned tall and green.

Jumping into episode 2 we are shown a montage of news outlets talking about the widdle lawyer that stopped a superpowered influencer from destroying a court room. The News outlets dub her “She-Hulk” which Jennifer Walters doesn’t like, so in order to forget her pain she goes to her favorite after work watering hole.

A small feeble “man” walks over to Jennifer in her Hulk form, and begins needling her endlessly like a toddler trying to tell someone an uninteresting story. I know your story is gonna such toddler, you literally don’t leave your house.

Yawn, bitch.

Another small man walks over to Jennifer Walters in her She-Hulk form and his dick fully regresses into his stomach. He then asks her to make herself smaller, which is like such an old white man thing to do to a woman, and then proceeds to fire her for doing the right thing. His tiny dick pokes back out of himself and hangs sadly, as he proceeds to walk away from her after ruining her life for doing the right thing.

NOTHER MONTAGE TIME!!! This time Jennifer is out trying to get a job and she is turned down at every interview for being She-Hulk. UM MCCUSE ME, BITCH? WHY DID YOU EVEN CALL THIS POOR WOMEN IN FOR AN INTERVIEW IF YOU’RE GOING TO TELL HER THAT SHE HAS SUPERPOWERS SO YOU DON’T WANT HER.

Some things can be emails, ok?

Jenny and her bestie, Nikki, are hangin on the couch looking for jobs, because Nikki is a paralegal, and apparently a highly paid one because she is DRESSED to impress, ok? I thought those people made $15/hr and her outfit is looking like $15 a second. Jennifer gets a text from her mom about a family dinner so cut to family dinner.

Jennifer’s family is weird, and trying too hard to be funny. Ched especially has issues and seems like he missed a dose of one of his medications today.

Her whole family is very interested in her being She-Hulk and offer her advice and also ask her questions about superheroes she’s never met, or I assume hasn’t. Her father asks her if Hawkeye goes around collecting the arrows he used after he’s done with them, and to that I say, you clearly did not watch The Hawkeye series on Disney+ old man, because you would have seen that he does indeed pick them up and use them again.

Next scene, oh look she’s drinking again. -_-

Oh look she’s employed again!

The moral of this episode is that if you get fired, just go out to the bar by yourself and drink your worries away because a random man will come up to you, buy you another drink to get you more sloshy and offer you a job! Now this is the stuff of Disney dreams.

At She-Hulk’s new job, they surprise her by telling her that she has to be in She-Hulk form all the time, which as there was no interview and she accepted without any hesitation or hearing details, she was acting surprisingly pretty surprised about it. The best part of this scene is Pug. Pug is an actor whose name I don’t know, but I do know that he is in that show The Other Two and plays legitimately the same character in that show that he is portraying in this one. And I can’t complain because he is adorable in that show and he even gives the girls the map to the bathroom that is best for pooping and it is soooooo appreciated.

Pooping in an office is literally the number one issue I hear people who work in offices complain about so this is quite relatable to people who work in an office. I worked in an office for about three months once and when I pooped in the wrong bathroom I got so many dirty looks about it. I quickly learned that there was a correct toilet to poop in. So political in these offices. Yeesh.

I go where I go.

Jennifer gets assigned her first case and it is to Emil Blonsky, there is a bit of a conflict of interest there as he is The Abomination and tried to kill her own dear cousin, Bruce. Ofc, he is very charming and English accented now and no longer high on super soldier serum so he manages to turn Jennifer Walters to his side. And who can blame her? He is very charismatic.

IYKYK

Jen follows up with Bruce to see if it’s okay with him that she takes Emil on as a client, and Bruce reveals that he and the abomination have made up since their fight and Emil even wrote him a beautiful haiku.

Now putting behind a huge fight like that with someone that tried to take your life is pretty crazy, but that’s not the weird part the weird part is that Hulk was inside of a spaceship the whole time and then he jets off into space.

After She-Hulk accepts her job offer, her creepy boss tells her to turn on the news, and then she sees that people have finally seen Shang-Chi, even if they didn’t make it out to the theaters it’s been streaming long enough, and the world now knows about the Abomination cage fighting in China. The issue is, he broke out of jail to go to China. So that’s tough, but if you saw Shang-Chi then you know that it was actually Wong who broke him out of jail and sent him to cage fight. Which, like, if we get a Wong episode, I will shit. I won’t even use the map to find the good pooping bathroom, I will straight shit. Long Live Wong.

WONG (sorcerer) SUPREMACY!!!

Zaddy

And You Thought Clark Kent Putting on Glasses Was a Bad Disguise!

For some reason, I have been SUPER into Wolverine lately. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter is rumored to be casted in the role that Hugh Jackman played for 56 years (and could quite honestly play for another 56 but I digest and digress.)

Or maybe it’s because he’s one of the GOAT. Or maybe it’s because there hasn’t been a new Marvel Disney+ Series to take up every waking moment of my life. EITHER WAY, I was pumped to see Wolverine: Patch.

Dis daddy, ok?

For those who don’t know, Patch is a sort of alter ego for Wolverine, it’s his way of mixing and mingling with the supervillains of the Marvel Universe. Patch the type to be gambling at the casino and drinking live snakes inside of his whiskey shots at the Princess Bar in Madripoor.

This #1 issue begins with a bunch of monkeys screaming and then some racist loser people talking shit about jungle people living in the jungle of Madripoor. Like, you also live in the jungle ya fuck. I swear. Men are soooo dumb.

You stink, you fucking twat!

And speaking of twats, before our story actually begins, a beautiful and artistically crafted page explaining the characters of this comic book run appears, and the creators at Marvel are sure to make a lesbian-type of joke about the one woman we will see in the entire run.

I think it’s the variety of consenting pies that matters, not what you like, SHIELD.

After the pie “joke” is made- I say “joke” in parenthesis because real jokes tend to be funny- we are taken to the Princess Bar which Patch co-owns with the pie-fingerer. Patch is drinking “the good stuff” with Archie Corrigan, an freighter pilot who is in debt for reasons unknown at this point.

Archie and Patch are discussing Wet Campfires when Pie-Fingerer enters with a man, a man with a job for Patch and Archie. Patch doesn’t accept at first, but then the writers realize that if the characters don’t accept the offer the issue will just end there. So Patch and Archie agree and on the next page we’re in the air.

While flying high above the jungle, Patch sees a tiny, speck of glinting in the ocean of green. Despite having a patch covering one eye, he still can see better than anyone and so Archie trusts him and they fly closer to the sliver of shine. Turns out Wolverine found a crashed airplane that has been there “for a while.”

Suddenly there’s a big old shadow above the airplane Archie is flying, and there’s only one thing in the world that can be fucking huge enough to put a shadow over a whole ass jungle, and that is the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.

Patch and Archie have no choice but to land on the carrier and then Patch gets a stern talking to by fellow-eye patch wearer, Nick Fury.

Wook how wittle Wolverine is! ❤

After Nick Fury threatens Wolvi-I mean, Patch’s life, Patch skips off with Archie back to the sight of the plane crash they saw earlier. Archie is scared that S.H.I.E.L.D. could shoot them down, for good reason, as he is not indestructible, unlike his tiny companion.

Luckily for Archie, whose character is depicted only from a slightly racist lens, Patch has decided to jump out of the airplane so Archie can fly safely home.

As Patch falls one million feet to the ground, his adamantium bones can’t break, so he just dislocates an arm, which he fixes right up with a crunch.

Patch hasn’t changed from his bright white tuxedo, and therefore he is easily spotted by a nearby enemy with some binoculars. But I guess blue and yellow aren’t really stealth colors either.

He jumped, dummy.

Anyways, this General Coy, as he is named for some reason, has a full on mercenary army at his disposal so that will be fun for Ol’ Patch later.

I bet you’re wondering to yourself, but Comic Book Bitch, whatever happened to the monkeys? Well, I’m about to tell you, cause one of the General’s lackeys brings a Madripoor native to the General. He got caught spying, and tells the general that people are stealing the monkeys. Po’ wittle mwonkeys.

Then I think the general just shoots this innocent native man. Kind of fucked up but instead of showing him blowing his head off, they just show these birds flying around.

EVERYTHING IS FINE!

CUT TO: Tyger Tiger the Pie-fingerer and black fishing Archie are having a convo and it goes like this.

Tyger the PF: Let’s talk

BF Archie: I’m not going to betray Patch.

Tyger: *puts pie-fingers up to Archie’s lips* I owed the Prince a favor, but Patchy is my favesie.

Archie: Please get those pie fingers off of my mouth.

Tyger: Have you noticed anything weird lately?

Archie: Other than you placing pie-fingers on my face? Yes, I saw a private plane land here with Russians on it. And you know rich Russians are bad cause they’re murdering innocent people right now without a care in the world. So fucked up, um, I’m going to stop ranting for fear I will get pie-fingered again.

Tyger: That is suspicious.

No caption needed for this one.

CUT TO:

A group of bad boys who stole the monkeys and are experimenting on them.

Lackey 1: Daddy, I mean, Sir, people are after us cause we took these monkeys.

Malhuer: You can call me daddy, lackey. Anyways, I’m holding this needle menacingly over a monkey right now so get to the point.

Lackey: Okay, daddy. The General Coy and the Prince are on to us, but Big Daddy is on the phone.

Malhuer: Oh the guy with the huge spider on his face? He creeps me out.

Hey, you got some Schmutz on your face.

CUT TO:

Patch in the middle of the desert.

Patch: Oh man, I jumped out of the plane too early and now I gotta walk real far to find these jokers.

Patch: Ruh -Roh! My Wolvie-sense is tingling! Who is there? I can’t see you, but I can smell your pheromones, hoe!

Hoe: GO TO HELL, SLUT!

Patch: That’s a big woman. But I am a small man, so maybe I am skewed in my perception of things.

Another woman! Maybe this comic book will pass the Bechdel test!

So turns out this woman, Beth, whom I think is Russian, decides to beat the crap out of Patchy because she thinks he’s a bounty hunter? Which like, get a hobby sweetheart. Anyways her brother or husband or uncle or something, turns up after being invisible and slices Patch and Beth is all “omg, you’re so rude, Gimel.” And Gimel is all “Why is my name Gimel and yours is Beth?”

But they don’t have much time to argue this, because Patch is on them and on to them. He realizes that they are enhanced mutants and can not only speak Russian, but English too. I’m honestly more impressed with bilingual people than anyone else in the world.

Wolverine sinks his claws into Beth and then she’s all “get him Gimley! He’s stuck inside my massive forearms!” So Gimlet slices him up and Beth bodyslams him to the ground and they walk away from his body, deciding that no one, not even a mutant like Wolvie, could survive all that damage.

Of course us as readers know that Patch/Wolverine is indestructible, and he’s about to wake up, which he does, but THEN he says he’s there for Archie, cause earlier Archie said he needed to make money to pay for his debts or something and the Prince was paying him three-times his normal rate to get Patch there. Which is great, but at some point Patch, you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you like killing and fighting and doing this weird shit and it’s not favors for people that you don’t owe favors too.

Damn, Logan, really needs therapy.

Um, can you please go fix your tie.

Alright, thanks everybody that’s my time.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch

DEADPOOL WAS GONNA BE IN THE SHANG-CHI CAGE FIGHTS

And They Fucking Thought They Could Get Away With It

New concept art from Shang-Chi and the legend of the ten rings revealed that Deadpool was supposed to make his big MCU debut and they fucking scrapped it!

I imagine whoever’s idea it was to put Deadpool in Shang-Chi got promoted, and whoever vetoed the idea got fired.

This image was created by Andrew Kim and depicts both Deadpool and Proxima Midnight duking it out in the art work. Nobody is really sure if the photo was just Kim dicking around and showing off The Golden Daggers Club and what kinda shit goes on there, or if it truly was supposed to be Deadpool instead of Abomination and Wong.

The main ish is that Proxima Midnight ain’t alive cause Tony killed them with the Infinity Stones. Soo….However I have a lot to say on this subject

1. um, that doesn’t matter because no one is really dead when it comes to comic book stuff
2. He could have been the one fighting Abomination
3. He could have fought literally anyone else
4. He could have fought Wong. I think we would all give our left kidneys for that fight.

Anyways, guess they had to introduce Abomination cause he is showing up in She-Hulk, so we had to be reminded that he’s still a thing. And Wong, well he’s just so damn lovable and cute why don’t they just throw him in one scene in every MCU movie like instead of Sam J?

All I want to know is, where the heck is Deadpool? Cause he did show up with Korg in a commercial announcing his MCU return. BUT WAS THAT IT? WAS THAT THE BIG OH IM DEADPOOL IM IN THE MCU LOOK AT ME AND KORG.

OMG. 5. He could have fought Korg!

Some people might be like, shut up hoe, stop complaining cause we are definitely getting a Deadpool 3 which is legit af. But to those people I say, you shut up you dumb hoe, I want to see Deadpool in the Multiverse of Madness! Maybe just running around in the X-Mansion feeding grapes to Colossus or something.

But Ryan Reynolds told us he’s not in the Doctah Strange movie. Which is like, do we believe him? I don’t know. Cause I trust that man with my life, but I also trusted Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire with my life as well, and look how that turned out.

I am a ghost.

Mmmmm yeah. K Bye.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Hey you ever wanted to be Tony Stark?

No, I don’t mean an alcoholic!

A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.

So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.

California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.

These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.

These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.

Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.

girl, go fix your hair.

But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

Even Typhoid Mother Fucking Mary Has Found Love

Spoilers ahead for Daredevil #35

If you’ve been reading this Daredevil series by Chip Zdarksy, then you know that Wilson Fisk and Typhoid Mary have been slowly falling in love throughout the series run, and what began as a simple professional relationship has now culminated in a full ass-blown engagement.

Now, I didn’t see no ring. And sis, although Zdarksy has confirmed their will be a wedding in issue #36, the way it all went down wasn’t exactly traditional.

First off, this mfer don’t got no ring. He ain’t on bended knee and he never even asked the damn question. He said “will you?” And Mary said, “yes I’ll marry you.”

Bitch he could’ve been asking you to tie his shoes for him. After all, you are under his employ as his personal bodyguard.

Also where the hell did all your personalities go? Don’t tell me you’re pulling a Deadpool and just leaving them all behind?

Yeah, I said it.

Well, congratulations to the disturbing and happy couple!!

Lock down that ring, sis! Tell him you wanna go to Tiffany’s TONIGHT!

XOXO- Comic Book Bitch

Fuck Off Everyone

Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?

So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.

After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING

A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.

Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?

Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.

Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.

I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.

I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.

LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.

I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.

I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.

Fuck off everyone.

XOXO – Comic Book Bitch.

Tom Holland Was Rude To Me

Tom Holland, pretend boyfriend of myself, personally attacked me yesterday when he described his third Marvel/Sony Spider-Man film as the end of a franchise.

Spider-Man: No Way Home star, Tom Holland said the third Spidey is the end of the trilogy. And that’s just fucking rude.

“We were all treating [No Way Home] as the end of a franchise…I think if we were lucky enough to dive into these characters again, you’d be seeing a very different version. It would no longer be the Homecoming trilogy.”

He then went on to say that if they did move on with the franchise it would be completely different from the original films. Like, I fucking get it, okay? I do.

But Tom Holland better get it to-fucking-gether, because Marvel is not letting your ass go. NO! *spoiler* Venom just licked your fucking face! You still in this bitch and you better get ready. We get it, you’re like 47 at this point and it’s hard playing a 17-year-old next to Zendaya, the supermodel created in a lab to be perfect, but throw some botox in that forehead and get applying to Empire University because I’m fucking ready for it.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT IN THESE TRYING TIMES. See you in the multiverse, Spidey love.

XOXO-

Comic Book Bitch

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Old Dusty Fingers, Agatha Harkness, Is Going Solo

Well, we may not be getting a season 2 of WandaVision but at least we’re getting the best part of that show in a titular role.

The plot of the spinoff hasn’t been written yet, but Disney already roped in head writer of WandaVision, Jac Schaeffer, with a three- year contract. They’ve gotten out the whips and are attacking her back until Schaeffer lets us know what the plot is. Much better than the water boarding torture they used on the Russos.

Hahn originally appeared in WandaVision as Agnes, Wanda and Vision’s neighbor and sex-crazed aerobics enthusiast.

It was revealed later on in the series that Agnes was actually Agatha Harkness, TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAMES I MEAN MY GOD HOW COULD WE HAVE EVER SPECULATED THAT AGNES COULD BE AGATHA WHEN THEIR NAMES OR SO DISSIMILAR??

As it turned out, it was Agatha all along. A witchy witch with burnt finger tips and an affinity for fucking Evan Peters. And who can blame her? Give me any version of Quicksilver and I can guarantee they won’t leave my bedside without getting sexed up.

The WandaVision series finale had Wanda use her abilities to alter Agatha’s mind and make her believe she truly was Westview citizen Agnes Bohner.

Maybe the series will start with her being just Agnes and then slowly realizing that she isn’t? Or maybe that bunny will finally be of some use. Mephisto style.

The most I can hope for is the return of Ralph Boehner. If Evan Peters isn’t in this series and doesn’t join the MCU then I demand another HBO limited series of him speaking in a Delco accent.

Thank you.

XOXO

Comic Book Bitch 🧙🏽‍♀️

Kingo Goes for a Sexy Ride in A Lexus

Eternals Star, Kingo, promotes Lexus cars to the imbecilic Marvel audience .

Kingo recently hit the road in his Lexus IS 500 sports sedan in a new promotional attempt between Marvel Studios and Lexus. The two-minute promo spot portrays Kingo as an idiot guy who would rather take a sports car to a battle when human lives are at stake, rather than use one of his borne super powers of flight or teleportation. Hell this moron could have ran super fast to the battleground! Instead, Kingo drives his flashy car and that gets him into quite the pickle as he can’t find a dern parking spot! Doh!

Kingo drives his stupid car through the streets as his teammates look worriedly around for their 10th member. As the battle rages on all around him he finds that he’s much more interested in finding a parking spot for his fancy car rather than help his friends or save the world. He receives a notification from Sersi to “hurry.” OBVIOUSLY. But Kingo dgaf. Not even a little bit, cause if there is flaming debris being chucked around, he can’t take the risk that it might hit his, most likely well-insured, vehicle.

As he continues to look for a safe place to park his Lexus S 500 sports sedan, his tiny little teammate, Sprite, calls him up and she sounds very concerned that he hasn’t arrived yet, and ya know they could really use his help against these extremely dangerous and formidable foes.

Kingo is like, “hey I shouldn’t talk on the phone and drive, I need to concentrate on finding a parking spot. If you need help, maybe call an Avenger or something. Okay, take care, bye bye now.”

Well, can’t wait for the Eternals to release on November 5th! I really hope Kingo can find himself a damn parking spot!!

XOXO- ComicBookBitch.

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