Sorry about the hiatus, I discovered bravo on YouTube.
Wow, I really do not know my audiences.
ANYWAYS THIS WEEK WAS THE SHITSKY. Cause after I read the latest Hit-Girl, I found out this isn’t the last we shall see of little Mindy. No-ho. AND I read Saga #52 which I have been waiting it seemed like forever for. But I’m gonna try not to be an asshole to those people who have been a fan since #1 and legit have to wait every week.
OHHHHHKKK. Enough about me. Let’s recap this bitch shall we?
First off, props on the cover. It is a tribute to the late, great Miley Cyrus. SHE CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL. I’ve never fell so hard in love with a cover. Congratulations to Mark Millar, Ricardo Lopez Oritz, and them cover artists Amy Reeder, Mattea Scalera and Lee Loughridge. You really combined two of my favorite things: Miley mother fucking Cyrus and Mindy mother fucking McCready.
We begin our story with Mrs. Gallo praying in church. If you don’t remember issues 1, 2, or 3, then please remind yourself. Or just read what I’m about to say next. She hired Mindy to kill the bad, bad gang member who killed her son in cold blood. And somehow the gang member also has to help Mindy take down all the other gang members in Colombia first. Idk whose idea that was. I assume Mark Millar.
So the pope or priest or whatever (I am not religious, clearly) tells Mrs. Gallo “ya know if you keep pulling this bullshit you’re gonna go to hell.” And she’s like “Ya, that’s fine. I’ll be with my son.”
Why is that gun the size of her lap?
Her son must have been a real shit.
To review from last issue, as that is where this story takes place. The bad guy gang member that Mindy forcibly turned into her partner, (ya know the guy who killed Mrs. Gallo’s son? KEEP UP!) turned on her, but Mindy had a plan B and she turned the gun onto Mano (The bad guy who killed the kid)’s little brother Jorge. Who is about to be initiated into the gang. Jorge also likes Batman. So there’s that, too.
So after the little falling out Mano and Mindy had they are back together and better than ever. They decide to start this morning off by sniping every single one of Mano’s friends.
Like literally all of them. The scenes of them killing all over the place are numerous and go on for pages.
There’s more but this was the best one cause brains.
I imagine that the background music behind their murder spree is that same one they used for “Rob and Big.” You know, “Let me tell you about my beeesssttt friend, He’s a warm hearted person who will love me till then end.”
The members of Mano’s gang who are still alive try to take Jorge to a safe house or kill him. IDK. you never know with people who have questionable morals.
Hit-Girl and Mano are riding around in a garbage truck and she busts out onto a different scene by yelling something about wanting to take out the trash. It is very clever. All the awards, please.
Good one.
So they crash the garbage truck and jump out, and what’s supposed to happen is that they are supposed to blow up the truck with bombs, but the detonator doesn’t work so they just shoot everyone instead. Very anti-climactic.
So then the garbage truck DOES explode. And Mindy is like “WHAT THE HELL!”
Told ya’
Everybody dies.
Except for Mindy and Mano for some reason.
Mano is all, hey just kill me.
Mindy is all, um I said I wouldn’t.
Mrs. Gallo is all like, but I will
And Mano is all like, who are you.
And she’s all, you killed my son.
And then he shrugs and he’s like, “probably.”
He doesn’t even remember!
So spoiler she can’t kill him because she’s a good person. Luckily Mindy has a PLAN B. All women should.
ANYWAYS, the gang is mad at Mano for killing everyone with this little psycho girl and now they want to make a trade, Mano’s life for Jorge’s life. And as we know Mano has no qualms about murdering for sport and probably has an STD and a rotting tooth, but he definitely has a hard-on for that brother of his.
So Mindy throws Mano out of the car and to the drop off for the trade and they shoot him down while he says “but, but let me explain!!!”
The gang members are like, um no you killed like everyone.
So they shoot him and Jorge cries like a baby back bitch.
The gang member turns his gun on Jorge and says that he’s the brother of the traitor so they might as well kill him, too. Then all these little red lights show up on all of their clothes and then they explode into thin air! Like magical pixie fairies. OOOO!!!
Okay so then things get a little convoluted. Mindy pops out, she didn’t shoot Jorge, he’s the only survivor and she informs him that his brother wrote him one last “text message” Because that’s how things are done now in 2018.
That “text message” from “Mano” says that being a gang member is bad and not sexy at all and that Jorge is just a kid and should become Mrs. Gallo’s son that she never had. -Only a nine-year-old bitch could come up with this shit. But it works, and soon Mrs. Gallo and her adopted son Jorge are off galavanting around town working in diners and shit. But then she says something weird. That is a throwback to that sign in the pope’s office. And she says she’s taking Jorge somewhere nice and hot. Like Hell. So I guess she’s gonna murder him? Kinda weird to murder an innocent child when what you wanted to do was shoot his older brother who had murdered YOUR innocent child, but to each his own. Revenge gets twisted and I’m not gonna ask.
Creep.
In the epilogue, Mindy decides on her next adventure after she breaks into a mobster’s mansion and murders him. She spins a globe around and points her finger at the next place. AND GUESS WHERE SHE IS HEADED? FUCKING CANADA. Okay, yeah. Looking for the biebs or something? I’m sure Justin Trudeau got some job for you over there. Maybe milking trees for maple syrup.
Are you serious?!
CANADA!
Well, how did YOU like this series? I gotta admit, I was wrong about the ending. And I really never could have predicted the one that Mark Millar wrote…So I guess good for him?
As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.
Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.
That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?
Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!
Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.
HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.
I just had a thought.
What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.
In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?
A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact?
Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”
That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.
Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.
We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.
You’re welcome, friend.
If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.
Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.
Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?
HG: You don’t wanna know.
It’s Jorge.
Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.
ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.
Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.
Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”
SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!
“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.
Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.
Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.
Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???
The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.
He killed her son.
Spoiler.
More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.
Good Idea.
I mean, obviously not the best idea.
But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.
I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!
Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!
What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.
Mark Millar and John Romita Jr have teamed up yet again.
Dave Lizewski has been in retirement for quite some time, so someone else wears the mask now.
She is revealed in the first few panels of the story, getting unmasked by a group of thugs she was trying to superhero. But really, nobody knows who she is. It’s not Dave so like wtf? Who’s here?
Check it out, it’s a chick.
All of a sudden we’re on the next page, in Afghanistan 12 weeks previously. The new Kick-Ass is holding a giant military gun and screaming at Afghani soldiers to drop their weapons.
4 soldiers are holding her army friend hostage, but this new Kick-Ass decides that she and her friend can take them.
There’s a huge shoot-off and new Kick-Ass and her friend, “Coop” are safe, but not unscathed.
Gun right in the mouth. Very nice. Tasty.
Coop asks, “Patience” if she’s okay. Patience is new Kick-Ass, okay got it.
She’s like I’m fine. However, she was shot in the arm so I’m doubting that she is actually fine.
Another one of their soldiers was being held captive, but he is unconscious. There is an angry mob outside of the building they’ve just shot everybody in, so they have to do some quick thinking to get themselves and their unconscious friend out of there.
The rescue copters are 6 minutes away, but since there is an angry mob chopping down their shelter that’s not really gonna do it. So they hop into this Hilux which is a big SUV and drive off, soldiers see them and start shooting. The mobs barricade them off and they’re pretty much screwed. Luckily the helicopters show up early and blow everyone up except them.
Meanwhile, in the helicopter, the soldiers congratulate Patience on her quick thinking and saving the unconscious guy. Coop mentions that Patience is going to miss the Army, all the adrenaline, anyways. She says not as much as she misses her kids. So she’s a mom. Then she reveals she’s been in the army for 8 years and once she gets out she’s going back to school while her husband works.
At the airport, she’s finally come home and this has got to be such a moving moment for families. To finally see their mom again after 8 years. I don’t know how army works, but that just seems like a long-ass time. 8 years without their mom? Shit cray.
Also, these kids look really young. So she must have squeezed em out and hopped back into the army world.
She hugs her kids and asks this couple who came, who are either her parents or sibling/cousin duo. I dunno, she asks them where her husband, Frankie is.
And they’re like uh we’ll tell you the whole story when we get back.
So they’re at home and we find out that Frankie has left his whole family for a girl he met at the office. Wonderful.
They show a quick scene with him driving to Los Angeles with the girl and she’s like “hey your wife is calling you.” And he’s like “I’m not answering that, I am a pussy and don’t want to be yelled at, even though I deserve it.” His girlfriend is like “Don’t you owe her some sort of explanation?” And he’s like “no, she never believed in my music.”
I think right about after that explanation the girl leaps out of his vehicle because she realizes if that’s how he treats the mother of his own kids, who was in Afghanistan fighting for the country for the last 8 years, she deserves someone who is not such a gross pussy/loser.
He won’t answer the phone, and Patience is like oh shit it’s real and now I can’t go to school because his salary won’t be coming in.
The couple is her parents because Patience says “fuck” and the woman gasps.
Her son walks over to her and is all “mom, is dad not coming back?” Patience was in the night stalkers so she’s a bad bitch and she’s like “fuck it, we’ll be fine.”
And they may or may not be considering Mark Millar is writing this.
Patience takes a job as a slutty waitress, and I mean this, she goes to work in a bikini top. Why is waitressing portrayed like this? And who is tipping the waitress extra just because they can see side boob? I’d like to know if this is something that actually works. Are you not tipping 20% to the waiter in a button up? Only to the Hooters girl? What’s happening here. Also grow some morals if that’s how you live your life.
So the slutty mother of two waitress/former night stalker in the army goes to her friends’ house and the husband of the couple offers her a security job at his club “Hoops” and she’s like no, that place is a cesspool. And he’s like “this is how I put food on the table, and you were fighting an illegal war in Afghanistan anyway.” And she’s like “whatever I’m still better than you.” And he’s like “well actually your husband got you both into a lot of debt, so you should probably take the job”
Yikes!
Patience goes over the finances and Frankie really fucked up. Ten thousand dollar loans with high-interest rates. Wonderful. She mulls over robbing a bank before her daughter yells at her from the bathroom that she needs her ass wiped. I still don’t get it. How did she get pregnant and have a baby while in the army? This kid cannot be 8. How does army work? This kid is like 3. Still not even using a real potty yet. Gross humans.
So instead of robbing a bank Patience decides to become a Robin Hood of sorts and steal from the rich drug lords who are keeping her neighborhood in a perpetual state of poverty. Which is amazing. I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up.
Terrifying.
She gets herself caught, on purpose, I might add, and we end up back to the beginning.
She is in the office of the drug lord with some thugs and she kicks the drug lord in the nuts and then punches him in the face. She proceeds to beat the shit out of everyone else. My hero.
She puts a gun to drug lord’s beating face and tells him to put the money from the safe into the bag. V Nice. VVVVVVVVVV Nice.
I’m into it. I’m very much into it. The first series run is one of my all-time favorites.
Comic Book Bitch 