Kelly Thompson is a Monster. Black Widow #4 Comic Book Recap

Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!

Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!

It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!

Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.

ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”

Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?

So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.

They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.

Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?

Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”

Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.

She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.

More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.

Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.

Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”

And they’re conversation goes like this:

Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.

James: Uh, what?

Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.

James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!

Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.

Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.

“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?

Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.

James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.

Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.

James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.

Nat: And you have to take the kid.

James: Ummm-

*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*

Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.

Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!

So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.

Nothing could go wrong at nap time!

Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.

What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!

Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!

I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?

Comic Book Recap: Hawkeye #1. Kate Bishop

Well hello there. It is I, the Comic Book Betch. Here to bring you another installment of the terrible recapping series of #1 issues of comic books that have come out so long ago you don’t even care anymore!

Kate Bishop is my favorite human in the whole wide world. Or Maybe it is Kelly Thompson (writer) I do not know. This series was also drawn by Leonardo Romero. Ooo lala.

Kate has left poor Clint Barton in Bedstuy, Brooklyn and moved back to her hometown in sunny LA.

She has started her own ALIAS business. And right now she’s on a mission in Venice, California. I should also mention that she’s wearing an I (Spider-Man) New York sweatshirt. And she’s funny.

 

I want that hoodie. 

 

She is creeping on some hot surfer dudes hanging out with their shirts off. She’s tailing a man named, Brad, we do not know what for yet. As she continues her creepery, her photo lens falls on a trio of men in suits. Which looks completely out of place on the beach, they are being very obvious and she is concerned. She goes into spy mode and out of thirsty creep mode immediately.

Kate realizes they have guns, masks and are walking into a bank. Probs gonna rob it. So she shoots out their getaway car tires, calls 911 for backup and strolls into the bank… offering sass.

 

Kate Bishop is the type of bad-ass b*tch we should all aspire to be. Also, the costume is on point, queen.

Kate marches in there and fires off some smoke arrows, hits a guy in the face, and then shoots another man up against a wall. It. Was. Awesome.

She marches out with her trademark saying…

 

NEVER forget to tip.

Hawkeye goes home to her rundown apartment/ detective agency. We are introduced to her neighbor, Ramone. She owns the record store next door and will probably become Kate Bishop’s best friend for the series. Allegedly. Ramone makes fun of everything that Kate Bishop owns.

A client pops into the ALIAS business and is actually looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye. Then she goes through a series of people looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye and she grows increasingly tired of this BS throughout the day.

Finally, the last girl to walk into her office is Mikka, a girl who is being harassed online. Kate takes the case and starts the very next morning.

The computer lab lady refuses to let Kate into the computer lab and threatens to call security on her since she doesn’t have a student ID. So she steals one. RUDE.

Kate is having some issues so she is approached by one of the student workers who knows about tech shit. His name is Quinn and she screams at him because he calls her Sunshine. Eventually, they decide to work together because Kate knows nothing about Proxy shit and IP Servers. MMKAY. SO we have established a best friend, a partner, and a victim. We have a whole cast of characters meow! WEEE!!

And you never know, maybe there will be a surprise appearance by that Old Man Hawkeye or America Chavez!

 

Kate Funny. Quinn Nerd.

Kate runs out of the computer lab, returning the jacket and ID that she stole from various people around the previous lab.

She arrives at the newspaper meeting that Mikka is scheduled to go to. Cause she’s like following her around, ya know?

She has reason to believe that the person who has been harrassing Mikka knows her, perhaps just follows her around. Kate spots a dude in the corner snapping pics almost immediately. He sees Kate staring at him and immediately bolts. BUT LYKE WHY? Only guilty people run away, I guess. If some rando girl saw ME stalking some other rando girl I would just shrug and be like oh this person caught me taking a picture of a stranger. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IS IT A CRIME? DONT THINK SO. NOT REALLY READ UP ON THE LAW THOUGH.

Kate attacks him by falling down from a tree right on top of him. HOORAY!

She cracks the 0000 PIN on his phone and finds some harassing emails to Mikka and several photos taking from her on his phone. He goin to jail.

As Kate pats herself on her back for doing such a good job, Mikka turns down a dark alley and gets stolen. So yeah Kate did not do a good job. Or maybe it was a good job, but it wasn’t a thorough job at any rate.

 

STOP TURNING DOWN DARK ALLEYS!

 

 

Kate is my favorite.