A manufacturer of exoskeletons believes that Iron Man-esque inventions will be sold at your local fucking Home Depot and Lowes in the future.
So, like, comic book nerds have always figured that Iron Man tech could totes be possible, but like, not in a way you can fight crime in, more like in a way you can battle bots with or win first place a con costume contest. However with some people making exoskeletons, and Tesla robots running rampant, we might live to see the Age of Ultron yet.
California’s SuitX has already begun the process of creating exoskeletons and since this process has already begun and, we quote “HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY” End quote, and we also have quote “THINKING MACHINE SUPER COMPUTERS” the mainstream distribution of these armor suits are already tanking in price.
These exoskeletons aren’t going to make you fly or anything, and if Doctor Octopus shows up in your universe and you’re wearing the nanotech skin suit Tony got you, it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to extract it for himself. The exoskeletons make you, like, stronger or something? Like, you have to exert less force when you’re wearing it.
These exoskeleton suits used to just be for the army, but then old rich white men decided they wanted to throw these suits on factory workers so they can work less people harder and not have to pay more human beings. Fucking capitalism.
Right now these outfits go for around $45,000 and they’re not even that cute.
girl, go fix your hair.
But hey, if there’s a possibility for a sentient Vision in the future, sign me the fuck up.
In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!
Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!
Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.
Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!
SMDH. So I suggest you read that recap ^^^ because I’m not doing a summation.
Written by Christopher Cantwell, and art by Cafu. We’ve got a good one tonight ladies. I’m just going to start calling you all ladies even though that’s inappropriate. But isn’t GUYS inappropriate too?! I’m changing the rules.
God I love this comic book. There is something so soothing about a man recognizing his own privilege and a bad bitch who is around to pretty much slam everything he once knew into the cold, hard, gritty ground. Hellcat is my hero.
So turns out that Hellcat survived that entire ordeal back at Kovacs place minus a huge lightning shaped burn on her face, (Harry-Potter lookin’ ass) but in retaliation Kovac decided to kidnap James Rhodes, so he’s now using Rhodey to lure Tony to him.
Hellcat and Tony have a conversation about this and it goes exactly like this:
Hellcat: Is this Kovac guy smarter than you?
Tony: He’s one of the Intellectual Masters of the Universe, so no.
Hellcat: Okay humble.
Tony: You seem upset. Is it because you have a huge ugly wound on your face?
Hellcat: Well I’m being hunted and this wound hurts like hell.
Tony: I’m sure we can call Reed Richards so it doesn’t scar?
Hellcat: Do you seriously think I’m worried about my looks right now when my life is in danger? You fucking, bitch.
Tony: I’m just saying, it doesn’t look bad!
Hellcat: -_-
Guess what? I’m still hot. Like that wolf-girl from Twilight: New Moon.
Anyways, then Hell Cat is like I’ve been hearing voices in my head, no she doesn’t say that. She should say it, but she doesn’t. Instead she says she feels fuzzy. Aw, cute.
Apparently, Kovac is a former cosmic entity turned android-with-lightning-powers.
So they’re arguing a bunch and it’s a lot of panels that look like this,
And Also I’m hearing voices in my head. Shut up! I didn’t say that! Nooo, you’re crazy!
Then of course arguing leads to banging! Sure, I’ll buy that.
I told you the wound didn’t look THAT bad. Would I sleep with a girl I thought was ugly? Maybe. But this time, no.
Meanwhile back at the villains den, they’re trying to mind-control Rhodey but he’s too freaking zen.
Kovac reveals his plan and that is to transfigure in the middle of New York City so that people can bare witness to his prophecy or some shit. But first he needs to tie up some loose ends including Hellcat and Iron Man.
Speaking of our heroes, now that they have gotten their sleeping together scene out of the way they’re having some nice pillow talk.
Tony is talking into the ether as men are want to do, and he notices that Hellcat isn’t paying attention. She reveals that she can hear Kovac in her head. Tony is like “are you sure?” Cause men never believe women. And she’s like “Yeah, mother fucker. It’s been happening since Oklahoma* (last issue) and since I was pathological before I know the difference. Ugh.”
So, now Kovac is ready to transform or whatever and his merry band of bandits are protecting his ass.
Psionic blast? That sounds fun!
All of his bandits are super scared that they’re going to kill their leader because they are essentially giving him the electric chair, and he kind of blasts out with this lightning energy and probably no one would survive that, but since he is a cosmic entity, you know, and it’s only issue #4, I assume he’s going to make it.
How can he speak with all that lightning coming out of this mouth?
Meanwhile, Tony and Patsy are on their way to Halcyon to get him to help them. Very undercover because they both are dressed like slobs. Anyways, Patsy gets a psionic nudge or something and she falls to the ground screaming. Drama.
Anything for attention.
So these two look into the sky and something crazy is happening, like this dude getting all powerful is happening, that’s what I meant. Yeah. Anyways, so luckily Hellcat can hear his head or whatever because she says they’re going to TAA II. And Tony is like “That’s Galactus’ ship.” And she’s like “yup, that’s what I said.”
Tony and Patsy find Halcyon and the convo goes like this.
Halcyon: I don’t race in the dark (I’m signing this BTW)
Tony: It’s me Iron Man, I need your help.
Halcyon: Nah.
Tony: Please? Just find these second-rate heroes that I can bring up into the main issues, because they’re probably going to get their own series on Disney+ or like enter the MCU and people need to know about them now and I’m the only star who can make this happen.
Halcyon: I’m a math major at Columbia.
Hellcat: *Suddenly engulfed in lightning and floating above everyone* Don’t try to stop me, Stark! (this is Kovac, btw, not Hellcat. wink)
Tony: Yeah, obviously. Is she really mansplaining to me now?
Halcyon: That’s a man talking through her body.
Tony: Oh, right.
So then Patsy destroys a car by them and Tony is like “Hey stop that!”
Meanwhile, Halcyon is coming up with a plan while Hellcat destroys shit and Tony yells from the ground to stop. He hits a fire hydrant with a chrome rim that might have bursted out from that car she just destroyed, anyways, that blast of water knocks her down and Tony is so impressed he asks Halcyon to join the team!! HOW INCLUSIVE!
Wow, a guy who never gets nervous as a super power? I honestly want that power. How helpful in just your normal day to day life? Damn.
TO BE CONTINUED BUM BUM BUHHH!!!
What did you think of this issue? More importantly what did you think of this recap? Are we impressed with Tony’s journey? Who do you think will be recruited for Tony’s second-string league of heroes!???
What happens when you’re a white male, a genius, a billionaire, a super hero, and an asshole? You become a God.
WELCOME BACK!
This week I will be recapping the new Iron Man issue #3 that came out yesterday! Iron Man in 2020 not to be confused with Iron Man 2020 that came out in 2013.
Iron Man is written by Christopher Cantwell
Artist: CAFU
Cover: Alex Ross
Color Artist: Frank D’Amarta
Great job you guys. You did it! It’s a white man struggling with his privilege writing about another white man struggling with his privilege…and he’s in a clone body which is a WHOLE other level.
If you haven’t read issue #1 or #2, then I will recap that for you riiiiggghhhtttt meow.
Iron Man is in a clone body cause he almost died and also he’s having a mid-life crisis, he liquidated his company and put the billions of dollars he made back into the stock market causing people who aren’t billionaires to probably die of starvation because they can’t afford to feed their families anymore. Then he threw a party and invited Hell Cat, they leave the party to track down criminals and they decide to team up. Iron Man tries to get himself killed by his enemies twice and Hell Cat, a survivor of suicide herself, is like “don’t do that dummy.”
Also he invested in this guy who captured lightning. That will be important in this issue.
Let’s begin shall we?
We begin with Unicorn, an Iron Man foe, running into a field in Oklahoma and being struck by lightning. (SOUND FAMILIAR?)
Iron Man is struggling with who he is to the people and calls himself a Daemon and an Effigy, which means he thinks he’s somewhere on the God spectrum, cause he’s a white man and they have God complexes.
Hey kiddos, sorry for ruining your game of kickball! Wait, that’s not what the kids do these days! Where the fuck are your iPads?
Iron Man drops down into a school playground to get some much needed attention before being scolded by the teachers for “riling up” the kids. He takes off, feeling like he did nothing wrong and that those people are the ass holes. Classic white man syndrome.
Next scene, Iron Man finds his garage painted with the phrase made popular by social media, “Eat The Rich.” Then next to that garage is his mid-life crisis car MELTED by the MELTER. So Iron Man beats the shit out of him and leaves.
Why does the Melter wear Metal? Seems ill-advised.
After nearly killing The Melter, Iron Man orders a burger from a fast food place then boards a plane with Hellcat in coach. He’s really making an effort to “get down with the people.”
That’s why you don’t check a bag, n00b.
Hell Cat and Tony then get into a fight about suicide, and it’s dark. Then Hell Cat hits the snooze button on Tony and tells him to wake her up when they land because she’s sick of his privilege bull shit talk. Side Note: I’m actually pretty proud of the way Cantwell chose to write this series, he has Hell Cat as the voice of reason and she can check his ass back into place whenever he starts talking like a white guy ass hole.
Tony meets up with the lightning guy he invested in from the first issue. Did I mention that he was creepy and clearly a villain? Because you should know that, too. Anyways, they are at his “lightning farm” which reminds me of those solar-powered windmill farms in the midwest.
Ew, is that your house? Poor.
So anyways, this poor guy is like look at what your investment created! Within days we now have thousands of these lightning rods! DAYS! Can you believe it? It’s the Marvel Universe so I guess we believe everything.
Anyways they then have a chat and it goes like this
Poor Lightning Guy: Hey, where’s your hot friend? You know the one who dresses up like a Cat?
IM: Yeah, she’s pissed at me so we’re kind of taking a break from our friendship right now.
Poor: Cool, then I’m going to hurt you really badly because I know she’s not coming.
IM: Wait, Wut?
Dumb ass, stupid ass, trick ass, mother fucking, stupid ass bitch.
After Tony is rendered unconscious on the floor, the Poor guy’s friends show up, and it’s the SAME guys that Tony has battled in the last two issues. WUT???? Way to set up a storyline, you go boys!
Oh you wanna be a God? Sounds fucking familiar, right? Ugh you stupid ass white trick ass mother fucking men.
Luckily for Iron Man, his co-star Hell Cat has just burst onto the scene and run over all these loser with her really cool, and I imagine, rented jeep.
Don’t we all?
Cue: Really cool battle scene. Where they punch, choke, blast, and drop kick their enemies!
Oh No! The poor guy has lightning!
The lightning guy kills Iron Man and Hell Cat, then leaves without checking their pulses.
Or checking if one of them might have a suit with a defibrillator! What a dolt!
Cause guess what the fuck what? Hell Cat-oh, wait, no, Iron Man- HIS suit has the defibrillator! Can you believe?
Hell Cat is dead. Bye!
Wa-wait, you-you, you forgot, your d-d-dumb glasses! HA! Burn.
Okay, that’s as far as my Spanish goes. I stumbled upon this little bookaroo written by none other than Jon Favreau. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Happy his-damn-self. Also the director of the amazing Iron Man movies. Well, the first one was good anyway. I saw it three times in the theater because I am a mess of a person.
This is a Marvel Knights comic book, which means all of these events are taking place just outside of the Marvel Universe. And it’s easy to tell once we get into it.
The artist is Adi Granov and the art is very real. Like these characters look like real people and it really creeps me out. You’ll see.
So before we get started you should know that in this universe everyone thinks that Iron Man is Tony Stark’s bodyguard.
Let the re-story telling begin. Ahem. So ACTUALLY Elsa Bloodstone is here. She’s a bad betch as you may recall from my recap of her Zombie adventure. Now she’s blonde for some reason but ya know bitches can change their hair color from time to time. That’s fine. She is an archaeologist of sorts and she’s representing a rich guy to this man who has dug up a prize. It’s a giant golden lizard or something.
“My father was a douchebag, like his father before him”
When they’re bopping around the caves she’s like “Hey why are the guards inside?” And the guy who is showing her around is like “Yeah, good catch. Your dad who is cooler than you really taught you well. These guards are inside because they’re trying to keep the evil that is in here from getting outside.” And she’s all “great, we’ll take it.”
What the fuck is this? It’s like a melted sculpture. What is happening here? It’s a mess.
Next, we skip over to Tony Stark. He’s on one of his commercial planes drinking whiskey and the girl next to him is like, “You’re Tony Stark why don’t you fly one of your private planes.” And he’s like “Oooo, what’s your name, I’m a creep.”
Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer his grossness because a terrorist declares that there is a bomb on this plane. And Tony is like that’s my cue to exit. He goes into the bathroom a la Superman in a telephone booth and comes out as Iron Man and shuts this terrorist up by grabbing him and taking him for a ride outside. The thing is that he blasted out of the roof of the plane. Which is probably a bad idea, cause you know then everyone’s lives became endangered because they couldn’t breathe. So Iron Man throws the terrorist out into the sky and he plummets to his death.
He kinda looks like that hot felon, Jeremy Meeks. RIGHT?!
While Iron Man returns to the plane to tell everyone that they’ll be fine and just keep breathing through the masks. Everyone is like “You suck. You made us breathe through these masks.” So he darts out of the hole in the plane again and decides that he needs a vacation because no one cared that he just saved all these lives. I mean, that’s what you get when you fly commercial.
Look at how well done Adi has created this expression on Iron Man’s face. He’s like “ya’lls is some dumb mothafuckin bitches.”
Tony decides to head to Las Vegas for the hotrod show which is probably a thing.
Tony goes to the pool and scams on some girls who are wayyy too young for him, bro and creeps on them. Saying THE creepiest line I’ve ever heard in my life.
Why is he hitting on prostitutes?
They, of course, head back to his hotel room with him because, as well know, hoes ain’t loyal. But they’re like we actually don’t want to fuck you, we want to fuck your bodyguard.
Meanwhile, these construction workers, or something, are putting together the giant lizard in front of a new casino. MEAN MEANWHILE thousands of lizards are running around Vegas and its weird.
I like the guy who is just nonchalantly leaning on his Hot Rod like this isn’t weird or bothersome at all for him.
Just before Tony is about to get it in with the two hoes he met at the pool, Pepper calls him and tells him she needs him, now. Not in that way. She just meant that there’s some fucking lizards flooding the streets and that Iron Man should probs do something about it.
The leaping lizards are all over the news and the news anchors are like, “this is insane all flights have been canceled and this is the worst time in Las Vegas for a Lizard infestation to happen because The Golden Dragon Casino is about to open and everyone and their moms have come to see its opening!”
What in the squirrel is going on over there?!!
TO BE CONTINUED.
This is a four-part series so even though not much happened in this first issue, I’m def going to continue reading. I’m like one-quarter full involved in it already anyway. Plus Elsa Bloodstone is in it and she my gurl.
Just got back from seeing the new Spider-Man movie. I was not planning on seeing it, but somehow I was pulled in.
I wanted to protest this movie for several reasons, A) there’s too many superhero movies B) There’s too many Spider-man movies C) I’m not in it.
So a little more background on why I didn’t necessarily want to give in and see this movie is because of the civil war movie where he is introduced… See, I’m still pretty upset about the timeline, because as we all know that during the actual superhero civil war Peter Parker was a 27 year old married science teacher. Not a sophomore in high school.
So basically half of my life so far…
Other than that I didn’t hate it. Here’s some things I loved. I loved how diverse the cast was. There were Asians and black kids and I think Flash Thompson was Indian! I loved that Donald Glover was in it for a hot second! Too bad he wasn’t cast as Spider-Man and instead was technically “The Prowler.” They really threw that “Prowler” thing in just to name drop. He really didn’t do anything Prowler-y and I don’t think they’re saving this character for a sequel. Kind of a waste to throw that character down the toilet, IMHO.
ALSO they were calling Zendaya “Michelle” Um no, her name is Mary-Jane mother fucking Watson.
I loved that Liz Allen was black and that Peter’s best friend was umm…Filipino? I think… I’m pretty sure that character was based on Miles Morales’ best friend, so I let this slide as well. He was a great character addition, the guy in the chair. He won my heart. However, we all know Peter didn’t have any friends in high school. Zero. Real, real big nerd. He was almost a nerd in a creepy way, too. In movies he’s portrayed as a lovable smart guy, but honestly in the original books he was a definite spaz until he went to college and got hot. Also Aunt May in the movie was hot. That’s not the aunt May we know and love. There was a lot I had to get on board with which angers my nerd heart. In this case I was into it because SOMETIMES I think movies can be a second chance for comic books where they went wrong.
Why would Peter want to hang out with these jerks anyway?
SPOILERS AHOY
These magical writers were able to tie in that Liz Allen’s dad was the Vulture the whole time. That would mean that Adrian Toomes and his wife were pretty progressive in giving their daughter the mom’s maiden name or they are messing around with a character’s real name again a la this “Michelle” BS.
Geriatric Super Villain
This movie made the vulture cool, which I never thought would be possible. But my nerd heart was happy because the Vulture was the first major villain that Peter ever fought so it was really fitting for our high-school boy to take on this guy in his coming out movie! Okay, I really felt for the Vulture, too. He was a nice guy. I loved his super villain backstory of just being a working-class guy trying to make a living for his family who keeps getting screwed over by the man. What makes someone a bad person is all about perspective really. Like, he never meant his friend to turn into dust when he shot him with that gun, that was just an accident he took really well and nobody around him remotely cared about.
Happy and Iron Man were heavily prevalent in the film since Marvel is doing cross-over to death. They really showed how green Peter Parker really is. Like when one of Iron Man’s drones saved Peter’s life. (THANK GOD!) Or when the real Iron Man saved a Staten Island Ferry that had been cut in half by the vulture and his Chitauri weapons. Tony Stark really tries to “dad” it up in this movie and he does an amazing job because in the end Peter Parker really grows up and morphs into one entity.
All in all the movie earns an A from me. The action scenes were incredible, the villain was super powerful and intimidating, the cast was culturally so diverse, it was kind of funny and then of course… THEY THREW IN THIS LITTLE GEM
Love you Spidey.
And I sort of understand the Homecoming title now.
Comic Book Bitch 