I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like we were waiting for her to go to India.
Or were we?
I digress.
Another banger in season two this time from Peter Milligan and Alison Sampson. Kevin Smith was behind the other stories from Season Two including when Hit-Girl took Hollywood.
Now if you know comic book betch, then you know I loves me some Hit-Girl. I love how she’s doing all these four-part mini series cracked into one book. That way I can do #1 recaps of Hit-Girl all the time! Yay!!
We begin with Mindy back on a plane. I think she’s first class because the flight attendant knows her by name and offers her a kids’ breakfast, but Mindy opts for black coffee and a copy of the Mumbai Times.
What kinda fucking breakfast is that?! You want these kids shitting all over the walls?!
Bitch whatchu mean you ain’t got no plan?
She reveals that she doesn’t know what she’s doing there yet. Which is fine, ya know see the world while you’re young. Not everything has to be a mission.
But it does seem like she’s not traveling for pleasure and is indeed looking for work.
So then we’re in this rich persons house and he’s on the phone with his thugs. Apparently the rich guy on the phone likes to pick up street kids and mutilate their bodies and then send them back out onto the street. I don’t know how this could make you rich so I’m going to assume it’s just another rich man’s hobby.
“I’m a collector of three-limbed children. Hmm yes, just another rich man’s hobby!”
The thug the rich man was on the phone with decides to capture some kids for his rich employer. He beats up two little boys and throws them in the back of his car. An easy gig if you can get it. Must be nice. I mean these are kids. And starving kids on top of it. That job must be so easy.
Anyways it’s not a long time before Mindy attacks the car.
Nice necklace lock.
She easily takes down the guy and his accomplice driver.
A thirteen year old girl just sliced a man’s forehead in front of us! COOL!! That will not scar us for life at all!!!
Mindy takes the boys home, or back to their street that is, and the boys are less than grateful. Fucking dummies. They’re like “oh you’re not Spider-Man” and she defends herself telling them that she had to know exactly what she was seeing before she attacked and saved them and the boy whines “they almost hit me.” ALMOST? Motherfucker you were almost kidnapped and mutilated and you’re upset that the woman who saved you didn’t come the moment before the guy raised his hand to ALMOST hit you? This kid is an idiot but apparently extremely well-read because when Mindy calls herself a cultural imperialist, the boy owns her about her own ignorance.
It’s not a sex thing? So like he’s totally not interested in little boys in a sexual way? Would he be sexually interested if you were missing a limb? He would. Okay yeah it’s a sex thing. Everything is a friggin sex thing.
He lets her know what the thug’s mo is. Which is something the reader already kind of knows because the rich guy was talking about taking away children’s limbs. But yeah apparently the rich guy likes to cripple children and have them beg for him?
Sure, we all need multiple forms of income in this economic climate so who could blame the guy? That’s just smart business sense.
So next, after offering Mindy a meal from the trash, the kids gather round to listen to the news. Because, kids in this world fucking love news.
The story they are doing is about the Hijari which are group of southeast Asians who identify as a “third gender” which I believe means trans, since in the next panel more thugs are beating these women up and telling them they shouldn’t have cut off their penises. They could also be hermaphrodites? Seems to be all women and they worship a goddess deity. This is most likely male-female transgendered people.
The thugs continue to beat up these women and some of them are pretty old so it’s pretty fucked up. The Hijari tell the men that they will curse their sons which scares off two of the thugs but one has quote “already had a vasectomy.” So he continues to beat them all up.
Technically they have, too.
Apparently this isn’t just a run of the mill hate crime and the Hijari owe money to whoever these thugs work for. Is it the same rich guy from the beginning? I don’t know yet. Could be unrelated.
CUT TO: BBC WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS
A reporter, Aubrey, and his boss are discussing doing a story on the Hijari. The boss wants the reporter to “spice up” the story and sexualize it and make it about prostitution, but the reporter doesn’t want to do it because he says they’re not all prostitutes. And that they can bless the heads of boys or something even though they can’t bring life.
Why is everybody so mad at prostitutes?!
The boss is still like no, and your show is boring and if doesn’t stop being boring you’re going to get pushed to three minute stories at 3am. Aubrey is like I don’t care I want the people to know their story. And the producer is like “why do you care about those weirdos”
And it turns out he is married to one of the Hijari. He comes home and finds her with a black eye and he knows that the gangs are after the Hijari again and they want them to prostitute themselves to pay the gang. He says he’ll call the police but his wife, Prema says that the police commissioner is in the gang’s pocket and they can’t think of anyone who could possibly help them.
CUT TO: TEENAGE VIGILANTE HIT GIRL FUCKING SHIT UP.
Mindy is trying to get people to talk but the people of Mumbai are not afraid of death. Makes sense because according to their religion they will be reborn again. Since her tricks aren’t working she’s just killing people and letting them start their new lives.
Wouldn’t it be crazy if he survived and just got mutilated and then joined that gang she’s trying to find, and then he comes back like you did this to me!! And she’s like Whoaaaa!! WHOAAA!!!
Mindy decides that she’s chasing a dead end with the mutilated beggars, but she’s been thinking a lot about the Hijari since she heard the radio show with the beggar boys. She feels “connected” to them because she dresses up to hide who she is and they dress up to show who they are. Which is the opposite of something you can do but oookkkayyyy Mindy whatever you say.
She gives it once last shot at finding out who the Beggarman is, the guy who mutilates children, because she sees a mutilated boy rolling around in a cart because his legs are all twisted up. She says she’ll give him a dollar if he gives her more information. The boy grabs the dollar and rolls down a hill in his cart right into traffic.
WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING LONG RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS SASHES BEHIND YOU?!
She loses him in the traffic and heads to see the Hijari. They’re chillin at home doin shit all, crying about how they’re not prostitutes. Also, why do they have to become prostitutes? Can’t they just start an online business or get part-time waitressing jobs?
No, comic book betch, they can’t start an online business because they need money ASAP and they can’t become waitresses because they have no prior experience.
Jk. I know they can’t get regular jobs because people hate them because they’re different. So… prostitution it is. One of the oldest professions in the world, mind you. Nothing to scoff at.
The thugs come back to the crying hoes and tell them they need to start hoeing. The crying hoes are all “we haven’t ever prostituted before it might take some time.”
The thug is like “okay, that’s fine.” Which is pretty out of character.
Then a woman walks in all disguised and the thug is like “I want this hoe out on the street too.” And the main woman in the Hijari is like “I don’t know this hoe.”
Turns out the hoe is Mindy and she rips off her traditional dress and start shooting the thugs.
Do you think the guy in the third panel is stuttering “nah-new” or saying “Ca-new?” Like canoe. “I canoe it!!!”
She kills the three guys who were harassing the women but The Hijari aren’t pleased because they had a plan all along which is why they were buying time. They were going to poison the head of the gang in a few days and now they’re going to get blamed for Mindy killing the dudes. They shame her and tell her to get the fuck out.
She is shamed and feels like a monster and leaves with her head down.
CUT TO: rich guys place
The rich beggarman guy is speaking with the cart boy and he says he’s a monster because he’s mutilated and missing a finger. Which is dumb because who cares this kids legs are twisted. Anyways he goes on this weird tyraid about how he’s rich now and he could fix his finger but he doesn’t because it reminds him of who he is and he feels for his mutilated “children.” He also apparently knows that Mindy is in town because cart boy told on her and he decides he’s going to mutilate Mindy and make her “one of them”
Wow you’re missing half a finger. Yeah that’s a reason to go around cutting limbs off of homeless boys in Mumbai. I’ve never heard of a reason that someone WOULD start cutting limbs off of people so this seems reason enough. Geeze, villains don’t even need a strong motive anymore.
BUM BUM BAHHH
So now he’s on her ass. Part 2 is already out , so I’ve gotta go and get to reading the next part!!
Sorry about the hiatus, I discovered bravo on YouTube.
Wow, I really do not know my audiences.
ANYWAYS THIS WEEK WAS THE SHITSKY. Cause after I read the latest Hit-Girl, I found out this isn’t the last we shall see of little Mindy. No-ho. AND I read Saga #52 which I have been waiting it seemed like forever for. But I’m gonna try not to be an asshole to those people who have been a fan since #1 and legit have to wait every week.
OHHHHHKKK. Enough about me. Let’s recap this bitch shall we?
First off, props on the cover. It is a tribute to the late, great Miley Cyrus. SHE CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL. I’ve never fell so hard in love with a cover. Congratulations to Mark Millar, Ricardo Lopez Oritz, and them cover artists Amy Reeder, Mattea Scalera and Lee Loughridge. You really combined two of my favorite things: Miley mother fucking Cyrus and Mindy mother fucking McCready.
We begin our story with Mrs. Gallo praying in church. If you don’t remember issues 1, 2, or 3, then please remind yourself. Or just read what I’m about to say next. She hired Mindy to kill the bad, bad gang member who killed her son in cold blood. And somehow the gang member also has to help Mindy take down all the other gang members in Colombia first. Idk whose idea that was. I assume Mark Millar.
So the pope or priest or whatever (I am not religious, clearly) tells Mrs. Gallo “ya know if you keep pulling this bullshit you’re gonna go to hell.” And she’s like “Ya, that’s fine. I’ll be with my son.”
Why is that gun the size of her lap?
Her son must have been a real shit.
To review from last issue, as that is where this story takes place. The bad guy gang member that Mindy forcibly turned into her partner, (ya know the guy who killed Mrs. Gallo’s son? KEEP UP!) turned on her, but Mindy had a plan B and she turned the gun onto Mano (The bad guy who killed the kid)’s little brother Jorge. Who is about to be initiated into the gang. Jorge also likes Batman. So there’s that, too.
So after the little falling out Mano and Mindy had they are back together and better than ever. They decide to start this morning off by sniping every single one of Mano’s friends.
Like literally all of them. The scenes of them killing all over the place are numerous and go on for pages.
There’s more but this was the best one cause brains.
I imagine that the background music behind their murder spree is that same one they used for “Rob and Big.” You know, “Let me tell you about my beeesssttt friend, He’s a warm hearted person who will love me till then end.”
The members of Mano’s gang who are still alive try to take Jorge to a safe house or kill him. IDK. you never know with people who have questionable morals.
Hit-Girl and Mano are riding around in a garbage truck and she busts out onto a different scene by yelling something about wanting to take out the trash. It is very clever. All the awards, please.
Good one.
So they crash the garbage truck and jump out, and what’s supposed to happen is that they are supposed to blow up the truck with bombs, but the detonator doesn’t work so they just shoot everyone instead. Very anti-climactic.
So then the garbage truck DOES explode. And Mindy is like “WHAT THE HELL!”
Told ya’
Everybody dies.
Except for Mindy and Mano for some reason.
Mano is all, hey just kill me.
Mindy is all, um I said I wouldn’t.
Mrs. Gallo is all like, but I will
And Mano is all like, who are you.
And she’s all, you killed my son.
And then he shrugs and he’s like, “probably.”
He doesn’t even remember!
So spoiler she can’t kill him because she’s a good person. Luckily Mindy has a PLAN B. All women should.
ANYWAYS, the gang is mad at Mano for killing everyone with this little psycho girl and now they want to make a trade, Mano’s life for Jorge’s life. And as we know Mano has no qualms about murdering for sport and probably has an STD and a rotting tooth, but he definitely has a hard-on for that brother of his.
So Mindy throws Mano out of the car and to the drop off for the trade and they shoot him down while he says “but, but let me explain!!!”
The gang members are like, um no you killed like everyone.
So they shoot him and Jorge cries like a baby back bitch.
The gang member turns his gun on Jorge and says that he’s the brother of the traitor so they might as well kill him, too. Then all these little red lights show up on all of their clothes and then they explode into thin air! Like magical pixie fairies. OOOO!!!
Okay so then things get a little convoluted. Mindy pops out, she didn’t shoot Jorge, he’s the only survivor and she informs him that his brother wrote him one last “text message” Because that’s how things are done now in 2018.
That “text message” from “Mano” says that being a gang member is bad and not sexy at all and that Jorge is just a kid and should become Mrs. Gallo’s son that she never had. -Only a nine-year-old bitch could come up with this shit. But it works, and soon Mrs. Gallo and her adopted son Jorge are off galavanting around town working in diners and shit. But then she says something weird. That is a throwback to that sign in the pope’s office. And she says she’s taking Jorge somewhere nice and hot. Like Hell. So I guess she’s gonna murder him? Kinda weird to murder an innocent child when what you wanted to do was shoot his older brother who had murdered YOUR innocent child, but to each his own. Revenge gets twisted and I’m not gonna ask.
Creep.
In the epilogue, Mindy decides on her next adventure after she breaks into a mobster’s mansion and murders him. She spins a globe around and points her finger at the next place. AND GUESS WHERE SHE IS HEADED? FUCKING CANADA. Okay, yeah. Looking for the biebs or something? I’m sure Justin Trudeau got some job for you over there. Maybe milking trees for maple syrup.
Are you serious?!
CANADA!
Well, how did YOU like this series? I gotta admit, I was wrong about the ending. And I really never could have predicted the one that Mark Millar wrote…So I guess good for him?
As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.
Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.
That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?
Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!
Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.
HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.
I just had a thought.
What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.
In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?
A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact?
Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”
That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.
Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.
We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.
You’re welcome, friend.
If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.
Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.
Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?
HG: You don’t wanna know.
It’s Jorge.
Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.
ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.
Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.
Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”
SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!
“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.
Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.
Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.
Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???
The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.
He killed her son.
Spoiler.
More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.
Good Idea.
I mean, obviously not the best idea.
But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.
I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!
Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!
What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.
HIT-GIRL IS BACK. I mean, I am excited that Kick-Ass is back, but, ya know, HIT-GIRL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guyzzz, Hit-Girl is my hero. Like my favorite. I dressed up as her at a comic con one year and it was the best day of my life. (I also had a Kick-Ass, not pictured.)
Madame Steal Yo Man
So you know this is serious now.
So, yes Mark Millar and John Romita Jr teamed up yet again for Kick-Ass, but only Mark Millar has his hand in Hit Girl.
Wow, I really could have worded that better.
Ricardo Lopez Ortiz is the artist of this run, and it looks like it’s only going to be a 4 issue run…
SO…
I was thinking…I will review every issue!!!!
SOUNDS GOOD?!
It does.
This art though, it’s perfect for Hit-Girl. SO gritty, it’s disturbing, it makes you feel uncomfortable while simultaneously amused, which is how you should feel when a little girl slices a grown man’s head off.
Okay, we’ll start now.
We are in Colombia. Or as the Colombians say it, CO-LOM-BI-YAH. Which is exactly how you all should say it. Because it’s right.
A murderous lunatic, Fabio Mendoza, is being sent to jail and the press is out there taking selfies with him and posting them to their ABC news grams. He was a part of a huge Colombian gang so his arrest is a huge deal to these peeps. It’s like when we killed Osama- if you’re an American anyway.
The beach is that way.
He’s being taken to a maximum security jail in an armored truck, surrounded by several military soldiers. The tyres of the police escort have been shot out and allofasudden gas is filling the tank that is holding Fabio.
Some other soldiers pop into the tank to see what’s up and they find that Fabio has escaped.
But really he was captured by Mindy.
The LOL lock. MUST HAVE.
Mindy is the mother-fucking shit.
Meanwhile, the gang lord that Fabio worked for is celebrating with his crusty gang friends.
One month previously, Mindy is hanging out in Pittsburgh trying out some new partners. She tells the boy that she’s brought along and dressed up in a Kick-Ass costume, what their plan is to take down some thugs, but unfortunately, the little boy isn’t down and decides to call his mom to pick him up instead. Hit-Girl carries out the mission herself and later heads back to her headquarters.
Just cause you’re into the hobbit and harry potter doesn’t mean you can’t love comic books too. BE A ROUNDED NERD!
She gets a vision/ghost visit from her father, Big Daddy, who tells her that fighting crime is no fun on your own. She agrees and quickly gets an idea and we’re back in Colombia.
Mindy was asked by a little Colombian lady to come to Colombia to take down some thugs. But Mindy decides she wants Fabio to be her partner, despite his obvious flaws.
Fabio doesn’t want to partner up with her, luckily she is prepared.
She tied up someone he knows and blows him up right in front of Fabio and lets Fabio know that the same wraps around that guy’s arms are around Fabio’s arms and the controller for those bombs are in the hands of a little Colombian lady who asked for her help and is watching them live on camera right now.
WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Spooky.
Fabio decides to live another day and partner up with Mindy. Even though first he admits to knowing who she is and questions why she would need him.
She answers that he knows the ins and outs of this world, so he’s basically her research, but she adds that she gets lonely.
Awww. baby.
Mindy leads Fabio to a room full of guns and they arm up to take down the “perros.”
How does she hold all of those heavy weapons?? We shall never know.
I guess we’ll see next week how it goessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY HIT-GIRL!
Everyone should please please please buy this comic. We must let the comic book overlords know that we love Mindy and want to see her all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5 stars!
A million stars!
ALL THE STARS!!!!!!!
Gratuitous violence, female-led, and an overwhelming sense of chaos at every corner. Please and thank you, Jesus.
Comic Book Bitch 