In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!
Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!
Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.
Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!
Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!
Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!
It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!
Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.
ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”
Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?
So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.
They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.
Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?
Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”
Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.
She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.
More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.
Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.
Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”
And they’re conversation goes like this:
Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.
James: Uh, what?
Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.
James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!
Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.
Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.
“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?
Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.
James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.
Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.
James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.
Nat: And you have to take the kid.
James: Ummm-
*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*
Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.
Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!
So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.
Nothing could go wrong at nap time!
Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.
What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!
Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!
I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?
Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.
Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra
I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.
Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.
I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.
This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.
So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.
BFFLs
Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.
The retired suit of Hawkeye sponsored by Hello Kitty.
So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.
So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.
Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.
So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.
The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.
Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company. Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.
They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.
Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.
Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.
HE’S A HERO!!
The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”
Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.
Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.
Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.
I would say the whole ensemble is a mistake.
Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”
The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!
Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.
Bullseye. Did you guess that?
Y’think?!!! What an Asshat this blue-haired chick is
Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.
Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.
Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.
They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.
Nothing makes sense.
But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.
I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.
Comic Book Bitch 