In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!
Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!
Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.
Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!
Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!
I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.
But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy 😭
Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?
I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.
But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?
Am I thinking way too much into this??
Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.
Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch
For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories
I just started watching Invincible yesterday and I already watched all 7 episodes out now.
It is safe to say that I am obsessed with this show. I read the comic a few years ago and then fell off of reading it. I can’t wait to go back and re read everything now!
The tv show is dark and dangerous and really really fucking gross with all of the blood and gore, but that’s what makes it so good.
Invicible’s Steven Yuen can really deliver those one-liners like a pro, and I have to say, it makes me really happy to see an Asian superhero. idk many others, especially not ones you find in mainstream media.
I’m sure there is something gross and fetish-y out there with Asian super women because white men dominate the comic book industry. But that’s another topic entirely.
I really also like that they got Asian actors to voice their Asian characters, it seems like such a small thing but it makes a big impact. It’s upsetting when POC are portrayed by white people on television, even if they’re just lending their voices.
Anyways, I can’t wait to watch more. Are you watching Invincible?
For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, nerd news, nerd opinions, invincible news, and fangirl bull shit.
Click below to listen to my podcast on Spotify. This week we talked about Lady Gaga’s dogs, the stimulus package (what stimulus package?), No Way Home theories and of course, WandaVision!!
I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.
For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!
Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to “the edge of the universe.”
This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.
The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.
SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.
omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!!
ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.
GL Betch is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.
Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”
IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!
So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.
The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.
She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”
The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.
I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.
Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.
The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.
Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair?
Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.
Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?
Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”
And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”
Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.
So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.
NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?
Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.
They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”
So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.
GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.
HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!
Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!
So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.
None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.
So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”
Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.
GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”
I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.
You go, Glenn Coco.
Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.
My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics
After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.
Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.
She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.
She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”
A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM.
They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.
Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!
I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!
What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!
Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.
Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.
The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.
Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.
ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.
She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”
Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.
Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”
Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.
Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”
Which is probably true.
Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”
So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!
Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.
Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.
Mano is in a mood though.
Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL
Which is very true.
So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.
She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.
He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”
So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.
Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.
So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.
He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”
Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”
FAIR.
The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”
BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.
She gets it.
So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.
This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.
I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.
Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.
ANYWAYS.
Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.
BABY!
So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.
Hit-Girl is dead.
She was only human after all.
JUST KIDDING.
She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.
Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.
So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????
Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.
She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.
But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
No, I don’t.
YIKES
Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.
WITH A CAPITAL L.
So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.
Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.
Hello, Felicia.
She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.
Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.
The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”
And she’s all “yup.”
Bitch hadda good plan B.
They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.
I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.
So what’s next??
EVERYONE.
EVERYONE IS NEXT.
YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!
WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.
I thought I had bought this comic book 20 times on accident because the complete cover is advertised on the back of every single Marvel Comic Book so far from 2018. It seems that Marvel really, really wants us to buy this one. So I figured it was important and picked it up.
X-Men Red is written by Tom Taylor and drawn by Mahmud Asrar. In this book, Jean Grey has risen from the Phoenix ashes and now leads an all-star cast of mutants, including Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Gentle, Namor, Trinary, and Honey Badger.
Squaddddd!!!!
The book begins with Jean waking up a little girl in the middle of the night. (creep) But not physically, but by speaking to her through her mind. (creep)
The little girl is warned that “They’re coming.” And sure enough, an angry mob carrying tiki torches busts down her house’s door. She jumps out of bed and out of her bedroom window onto the roof. All of these mob people, and it should be noted that they’re all white, are chasing after this little Asian girl calling her a “mutant.”
YES! IT WILL TAKE 40 PEOPLE AT LEAST TO TAKE DOWN THIS 60lb CHILD!!
She jumps off the roof and lands on the wet grass in the rain and starts running from the mob. She loses her footing somehow and the mob surrounds her. She pleads with them claiming that she is not a mutant, (liar) but her mom walks out with a gun in her hand and points it right at her daughter (cause she knows this lil bitch lyin right now). The little girl is like “wtf?! MOM!” And the mom DGAF and her and her mob friends start shooting their guns at her, because one gun couldn’t have taken out an 8-year-old girl, no at least five guns shot multiple times is necessary. Ask any unarmed black kid ever.
Luckily Jean Grey shows up with Nightcrawler and Wolverine and she uses her telekinesis or whatever and was able to stop the bullets with her mind.
If the kid was running through muddy grass, how are her feet clean? Is this part of her mutant power? I guess we’ll find out…
Nightcrawler BAMFs them out of there and into Searebro, which is a place that a giant great white shark lives. The shark immediately tries to eat the little girl and she’s like “AHHH!” Then Honey Badger is all “that’s Harold, he won’t hurt you.” Ya fucking right Honey Badger.
Jean Grey addresses the little girl as “Heather.” She lets her know that she is safe with them now.
This book is Part 1 and it is titled: Heal The World. BY THE WAY.
Two months earlier a woman is minding her own business driving a car around Roosevelt Island in NYC when she gets carjacked by two thugs in masks with guns. Unfortunately for the thugs, the woman’s mutant baby is in the backseat and he freaks the fuck out. The baby’s cries are problematic. His cries manage to burst the windows of the car and all surrounding buildings.
Wolverine and Honey Badger are on the case. Honey Badger covers her ears with her hands while Wolverine simply bleeds from her ears. They reach the car and Wolverine puts her hand over the baby’s mouth which just makes it worse and the baby really freaks out. The scream is so piercing that the skin on Wolverine’s hand, where she placed it over his mouth, completely melts off.
Jean shows up and saves the day again. Like who needs heroes when we have Jean Grey? She’s really all we need. She calms the baby down and returns the baby to his mom and adds a psychic suggestion to the baby’s brain that he not cry so much. How about never, Jean?
Enviable thigh-gap, terrible outfit.
Jean warns the mom that there will be public fallout from his screaming. Because if the baby ain’t a fetus it loses its rights.
The next scene is the news, both sides are arguing over the baby’s right to live. Like I said, once the fetus leaves the womb, it has no rights. Especially cause this baby is black. I should highlight this.
Jean Grey decides that she wants to change the world, so she travels all around the world getting people to help her cause. She also decides that she is not smart enough to heal the world, which is the smartest thing she could possibly decide so she gathers every genius that she can into one room and blows them all up.
I’m kidding.
She digs through their brains searching for ideas to “heal the world.”
Then she walks over to a cliff and calls Nightcrawler over to her with her thoughts. He BAMFs to her and she tells him to look over the cliff because she wants to share an idea with him. He goes to look and then she pushes him off the cliff.
I’m kidding.
No, he starts crying because the idea she shows him is so beautiful it brings him to tears. He offers to help her to make this idea a reality and she’s like “great, next step is I need to head to Atlantis.”
blue crying baby ass bitch
So she goes to Atlantis wearing a zip-up hoodie, biker shorts, and dirty ass sneakers. She clearly is not trying to impress Namor and his 8-pack. She lets him know that she needs his help and he’s like “Bitch, Imma king, Ain’t nobody got time for dat.”
Then she’s like “I’m headed to the United Nations and I need a country to be behind me.”
And he’s like “is that all?! Well, okay.”
Probably cause you won’t even put on pants for them.
So she heads on down to the United Nations wherever that is. Apparently, it is in New York City. Idk.
Jean walks up like a boss in a hot suit with her cleavage showing subtly in one frame then her tits are all out there in the next frame. Apparently, as she gets heated during arguments sometimes buttons fall open or something. She asks all the United Nations if mutants can be their own nation and if she can represent them. Her boobs seem to only impress the fake countries of Atlantis and Wakanda since they’re the only ones that stand up to acknowledge “the mutant nation.”
The Ambassador from the UK follows Jean Grey out of the hall once she’s done making her statement and they speak. It gets a little creepy because the UK ambassador starts saying weird shit like “you are not the Phoenix Jean Grey anymore you cannot rise” and shit especially got weird when her head exploded.
This picture isn’t doing the tits justice, but trust me they are there.
Obviously, it looked like Jean made her head explode, so the SWAT team that is there shoots her. But Namor jumps in front of her and stops the bullets with his chic bracelets a la Wonder Woman. I “Wonder” if he borrowed them? Heh. So Wolverine slices the gun the SWAT guy is holding in half then Nightcrawler swoops in and says we gotta go.
BAMF.
It turns out Cassandra Nova was behind the UK woman’s head exploding and was also inside her head controlling the shit she does.
You know how earlier I said that Jean was the only hero we need because she can beat anyone. Well, I guess Tom Taylor decided to give her a match worth fighting.
I almost uploaded a photo of Bullseye. Would anyone have noticed?
SCURRY.
How do you guys like the Red series so far?
What else are you reading?
Do you want me to read something first and then tell you your own opinions on it by letting you know my opinion?
Leave it in the comments and I’ll be sure to pick it up next Wednesday.
In the meantime, you can look forward to something other than Marvel the next two weeks because…wait for it…
I’M RECAPPING KICK-ASS AND HIT-GIRL!!!
YUP. Image type shit in this betch!!
You won’t want to miss it! Same time, same place: Next Saturday at 2 pm CT!!!!!!!
Comic Book Bitch 