elsa bloodstone – Comic Book Bitch

Deadpool #10 Comic Book Recap: Let’s Merc These Hoes

It’s the last run in Kelly Thompson’s Deadpool! How could they do this to us? To me? To you? Marvel, you hate us, but why? WHY??

Welcome back to another edition of your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Betch. This week I shall be recapping Deadpool #10. And Guess what the fuck what? It’s a King in Black adventure again!!! When Marvel goes for it, they go for it.

Written by the hilarious Kelly Thompson

Art by Gerardo Sandoval

Cover by Chris Sotomayor

Deadpool, or King Deadpool as he is known by now, is lamenting about the King in Black and how they’ll let anyone be King these days, and this King in Black has left the city, and his island, the Island of Staten…why did I say that? He’s on Staten Island. Anyways the whole country or world or something is covered in black goo. Same shit different issue.

Deadpool decides to have a groupthink with his honor guard, unfortunately everyone’s pretty dumb there, except for Elsa Bloodstone, who, if you’re not new to this blog, you know that I FUCKING STAN!

I can’t wait to see King Deadpool cosplay at a con.

In the groupthink they decide to form ANOTHER team, other than this guard, because the Island of Staten is full of monsters to choose from.

They form a team and then they walk into the room really cool like this:

What a badass group of monsters. And, awkwardly, one monster hunter.

So after they do their cool walk, these weird little priest monsters come in and tell King Deadpool that it’s the end of days, and Deadpool is like “Yeah. IT FUCKING ALWAYS IS.”

Unimpressed, Deadpool is about to walk away when the priest informs him that the monster that is here (The King in Black) is going to devour the King of Monsters as is prophesied, this gets Deadpool’s attention because HE IS the King of Monsters. But, Deadpool says that there is no way this is the Priests monster that they prophesied, it is a Marvel monster and it’s a comic book event, so instead of worrying about these priests and their dumb prophecies, he takes his team of monsters and goes to battle!

Okay, Kohlaab the Pile is definitely touching the symbiote.

Then it gets really sad because the monster eats the snowman, who I did not even bother to mention earlier, but he’s cool because he only speaks in winter-related puns, see what I did there?

Shiny, the monster who shines a light through his mouth, opens his mouth and shoots a blinding hole through the wing of one of the venom dragons, and this gives the team a chance to regroup.

Then this next part is really cool. I love this comic book. Deadpool is literally such a great character and having Kelly Thompson write him!? UGH CHEF’S KISS.

Jeff the Shark touches the goo, and Deadpool is noticeably upset but he promises to find a way to save Jeff, Jeff is already turned though, and bites Deadpool on the hand. Elsa says they can’t afford to have Deadpool turned by the black goo because he is indestructible, TRUE, so Deadpool hacks off his hand. I love this comic book. Deadpool is the fucking best.

They totally stole this from The Walking Dead, except Rick is a bitch who can’t grow back limbs.

Deadpool and the team decide to do another cool group walk back into the scene, but it is rudely interrupted by Jelby, who left their group behind in issue #6. He comes bearing gifts though, a gift in the form of Jeff the Shark safely hidden away in a bowl of Jelby’s jelly.

The entire teams climbs inside of Jelby and they take on the venom dragon from inside of Jelby, Deadpool coins their conjoining as the “Monster-Tron” Patent pending.

I don’t know where all those lights are coming from, There is only one Shiny on the team that I know about.

Using a combination of butts and brains they are able to defeat the dragon symbiote monster, or at least they are able to throw the dragon into a giant hole, but as Elsa points out “it’s got sodding wings!”

This leads to the writer to doing a tie-in to a previous issue, and it’s all very romantic and beautiful and breaking of the fourth wall. As all Deadpool comics are.

As Deadpool fends off the dragon from below, Jelby jumps down to save the day!

He contains the dragon in his little jelly belly and Wade is forced to sever another limb to stop the symbiote goo from taking him over…but that does give me pause? Could these severed limbs come back as symbiotes? hmmmm…I GUESS NOT BECAUSE JUST LIKE ARMIE HAMMER, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED.

The day is saved, but there is still one thing left to deal with!

They take a note from Spider-Man and get the symbiote off of Jeff using some loud-ass music. And then Jeff is back to normal and so freaking cute. I cannot.

LOOK AT THAT FACE OMG. OMFG.I LOVE YOU JEFF THE SHARK! I might get this last panel tattooed on me. Thoughts?

King Deadpool saves the day, and it turns out the priests were wrong, the monster will be coming to get him in 2022. A line is forming outside so that Deadpool can pay for the property damages he caused with all of this fighting, and Elsa gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. All is well, except that this run is getting canceled and it’s the fucking worst thing that could happen to any of us because it is so good. I’m tired, you tired, Jesus wept.

Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas! -Comic book recap-

Hola mis amigos. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.

Okay, that’s as far as my Spanish goes. I stumbled upon this little bookaroo written by none other than Jon Favreau. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Happy his-damn-self. Also the director of the amazing Iron Man movies. Well, the first one was good anyway. I saw it three times in the theater because I am a mess of a person.

This is a Marvel Knights comic book, which means all of these events are taking place just outside of the Marvel Universe. And it’s easy to tell once we get into it.

The artist is Adi Granov and the art is very real. Like these characters look like real people and it really creeps me out. You’ll see.

So before we get started you should know that in this universe everyone thinks that Iron Man is Tony Stark’s bodyguard.

Let the re-story telling begin. Ahem. So ACTUALLY Elsa Bloodstone is here. She’s a bad betch as you may recall from my recap of her Zombie adventure. Now she’s blonde for some reason but ya know bitches can change their hair color from time to time. That’s fine. She is an archaeologist of sorts and she’s representing a rich guy to this man who has dug up a prize. It’s a giant golden lizard or something.

“My father was a douchebag, like his father before him”

When they’re bopping around the caves she’s like “Hey why are the guards inside?” And the guy who is showing her around is like “Yeah, good catch. Your dad who is cooler than you really taught you well. These guards are inside because they’re trying to keep the evil that is in here from getting outside.” And she’s all “great, we’ll take it.”

What the fuck is this? It’s like a melted sculpture. What is happening here? It’s a mess.

Next, we skip over to Tony Stark. He’s on one of his commercial planes drinking whiskey and the girl next to him is like, “You’re Tony Stark why don’t you fly one of your private planes.” And he’s like “Oooo, what’s your name, I’m a creep.”

Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer his grossness because a terrorist declares that there is a bomb on this plane. And Tony is like that’s my cue to exit. He goes into the bathroom a la Superman in a telephone booth and comes out as Iron Man and shuts this terrorist up by grabbing him and taking him for a ride outside. The thing is that he blasted out of the roof of the plane. Which is probably a bad idea, cause you know then everyone’s lives became endangered because they couldn’t breathe. So Iron Man throws the terrorist out into the sky and he plummets to his death.

He kinda looks like that hot felon, Jeremy Meeks. RIGHT?!

While Iron Man returns to the plane to tell everyone that they’ll be fine and just keep breathing through the masks. Everyone is like “You suck. You made us breathe through these masks.” So he darts out of the hole in the plane again and decides that he needs a vacation because no one cared that he just saved all these lives. I mean, that’s what you get when you fly commercial.

Look at how well done Adi has created this expression on Iron Man’s face. He’s like “ya’lls is some dumb mothafuckin bitches.”

Tony decides to head to Las Vegas for the hotrod show which is probably a thing.

Tony goes to the pool and scams on some girls who are wayyy too young for him, bro and creeps on them. Saying THE creepiest line I’ve ever heard in my life.

They, of course, head back to his hotel room with him because, as well know, hoes ain’t loyal. But they’re like we actually don’t want to fuck you, we want to fuck your bodyguard.

Meanwhile, these construction workers, or something, are putting together the giant lizard in front of a new casino. MEAN MEANWHILE thousands of lizards are running around Vegas and its weird.

I like the guy who is just nonchalantly leaning on his Hot Rod like this isn’t weird or bothersome at all for him.

Just before Tony is about to get it in with the two hoes he met at the pool, Pepper calls him and tells him she needs him, now. Not in that way. She just meant that there’s some fucking lizards flooding the streets and that Iron Man should probs do something about it.

The leaping lizards are all over the news and the news anchors are like, “this is insane all flights have been canceled and this is the worst time in Las Vegas for a Lizard infestation to happen because The Golden Dragon Casino is about to open and everyone and their moms have come to see its opening!”

What in the squirrel is going on over there?!!

TO BE CONTINUED.

This is a four-part series so even though not much happened in this first issue, I’m def going to continue reading. I’m like one-quarter full involved in it already anyway. Plus Elsa Bloodstone is in it and she my gurl.

BATTLEWORLD

Battleworld takes place after the multiverse was destroyed. The Earth has been taken over by zombies and this region of Battleworld is holding off the zombies and being led by Elsa Bloodstone, daughter of Ulysses Bloodstone, a hunter formally with the 1950s Avengers who had a large Bloodgem embedded into his chest.

Same.

Elsa is a crazy human.

Same.

This story begins with someone spilling her tea and now she has brown spots all over her. She’s very mad and she shoots the zombie who probably made her spill her tea. I should probably paint this picture right? So they’re in some sort of fortress and the walls are very high, but the zombies are climbing up and there’s a soldier laying dying on the ground. And he’s crying and she’s like “shut up, rookie.” And he’s all “you’re mean. I got bitten I’m going to turn into a zombie and you’re gonna shoot me and probably laugh about it right afterward. Be nice to me!”

What kind of tea stains like that? Certainly not Earl Grey.

So she decides to be nice to him by lying to him and tells him that his wounds aren’t infected and he’s going to live, and he is like “omg thank god!”

Then she shoots him.

Moving on, her sergeant comes over and tells her that they’ve identified a leader of this pack and it is not good news.

It is Azazel, father of Nightcrawler and leader of the demon BAMFS. So this makes him extremely terrifying because he can teleport around everywhere kicking people off buildings, punching them, killing them whatever.

He bamfs around for a few more before Elsa shoots him in the face. She goes to finish the job and he wraps his tail around her leg and teleports out of there with Elsa in tow. She finishes him off with a deathly blow, but not before he has teleported her miles away from her base.

Azazel AKA the Red Terror AKA the Purple Pouf

She passes out for a second and has a flashback from her past. She is a young girl with her father, Ulysses, and let’s just say there’s a lot of terrifying abuse going on in that household. First of all, she is 7 years old and he had a pygmy demon attack her and she lost. Then he’s like calling her weak and she’s like “dude, I’m seven!” And he’s like “we’re hunters. We have to serve the people.” And then about ten more mini demons appear to beat her up again and he tells her to get up.

Which is weird, because there’s a little boy in the here-and-now telling her to get up, cause you know, she passed out.

Then this guy shows up and wakes her ass up real quick.

Then she quotes Arrested Development and shoots him in the tentacle.

But where did the lighter fluid come from?

Once she is done stomping him into the ground for touching her without permission, which yes, you go, Glenn Coco- she turns her attention to the little boy who tried to wake her up before and she questions him, but he has no memories. CONVENIENT. I don’t trust this little whiney boy. First of all, he’s bald, why? There are no razors in the apocalypse! Ain’t nobody got time to maintain a shaved head. Second of all he’s in the middle of Zombieland and appears completely unscathed. But therein lies the mystery I suppose. Oh he kind of looks like a monk though, right?

She realizes that she is 200 miles south of her SHIELD base. I would probs just shoot myself at that point but she decides to move onward and take the street urchin with her.

Then she says “This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We are almost certainly going to perish… Nice day for it, mind.”

Wow, she is way cooler than everyone ever.

The urchin boy wants to go south instead of north back to the base. His reasoning is that it is a mystery and since they will definitely die if they go north, they might as well try south because he’s got a “good feeling” about it.

OKAY. It’s a trap.

Anyways, she’s like “no, fuck off.”

And he’s like “shut up.”

And she’s like “wtf bitch?”

And he’s like “there’s a juggernaut zombie charging us because he heard us because you wouldn’t stop talking.”

So the Juggerzombie attacks Elsa and she’s like “little boy shoot this dude,” and he goes to shoot him and then this happens.

Luckily Elsa has a part of her father’s bloodgem around her neck in a necklace and that for some reason comes alive and blasts the Juggerzombie in the face and then Elsa stomps him out with her boot heel. This is like, the third time she’s done that to someone in the last hour. But whatever works, ya know?

Urchin boy asks Elsa how her magic necklace works and she says it has never done anything like that before. SO WE’VE GOT A SECOND MYSTERY WE NEED TO SOLVE ON THIS JOURNEY. Wow, they are just setting this story up for greatness around every corner.

Also, Elsa has daddy issues up the wazoo. The urchin won’t stop crying and she’s like shut up and she has a flashback to when her dad kept yelling at her to stop crying and being weak. And she doesn’t want to be like her father so she apologizes to the little urchin boy and they continue on.

However, there’s scads and scads of zombies below the mountain they’re looking off of.

They decide to head south because Elsa decides that “unknown horror” is better than “certain doom.” She tells the little boy to watch their backs because a “hunter being hunted is just plain tacky.” I gotta agree. Too bad there is a monster following them.

TO BE CONTINUED.

WOW! DANGER! MYSTERY! ZOMBIES! DADDY ISSUES! This issue had it all. Elsa Bloodstone is the baddest bitch on Earth and I want everyone to buy this comic book and tell every single one of your friends to also buy it and let’s buy everything that she ever does because this was amazing. There’s nothing better than a girl with daddy issues. Ask anyone!