Peacemaker Series First Thoughts

Hello, and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch.

Today we will be deep-diving into the premiere episode of the new Peacemaker series on HboMax.

And by deep-dive, I mean I am going to explain deeply shallow thoughts about the series with which I have no business discussing.

Now, if you haven’t seen the first episode of Peacemaker then just read this sloppily put together recap of the first episode first and then we’ll dive head-first into the shallow end of a concrete pool.

The series takes place pretty much immediately, or as much time as it takes a clavicle to be replaced in the human body, after Suicide Squad 2.

For my thoughts on Suicide Squad 2, listen to my podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra.

If you don’t want to listen to the podcast then here’s my thoughts: I fucking loved it. Except I hated Peacemaker, but in a love to hate way.

And I continue on my love to hate way about him on this series since he comes off as a lovable oaf despite him killing my best friend, Rick Flag.

SO! Peacemaker/ Chris has had his clavicle replaced, then he’s released and he’s like ummm, am I going back to prison? And he has no friends, so he asks this hospital janitor that he smoked pot with once if there’s cops out there. And there conversation goes like this.

Janitor: No, there’s no cops. Why?

Chris: Cause I was in prison for killing people.

Janitor: Oh why?

Chris: Cause I’m a superhero

Janitor: You have the wrong body type to be a superhero. And your face is at most 5/10.

Chris: I’m a fucking superhero!

Janitor: Aquaman is a superhero. And he’s gorgeous af. Have you seen that bod? That hair? That face? Yummm. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling? Did you hear that Jason Momoa is single?

Chris: Aquaman fucks women, men, and fish.

Janitor: No he doesn’t.

Chris: He gives the guy who works at the aquarium $50 every week and goes in the fish tanks and has his way with all the little fishies.

Janitor: Nah.

Chris: It’s true, I read it on Reddit.

Janitor: Wow, I just got the name of that site.

So no one, including any police, are there to take him so he goes back to his home, a nasty trailer, and he realizes his phone is still working which means he has been paying his cell phone bill from prison for four years, which means he ain’t got no money. Then these nerds from Suicide Squad 2 show up and are like, “hey you have to work with us or we will blow up your head.” So Chris is like, okay. Then he goes to his dad’s house to complain about his phone bill. His dad don’t give af, all he cares about is white supremacy.

Oh somewhere during this time we are introduced to Tastee from Orange is the New Black, she is married to a woman whose vagina we see in later episodes, and they are mothers to three small doggos who like to wear fancy sweaters.

AND she is Amanda Waller’s daughter. Which is like, oh wow Amanda Waller can’t be that bad, she is a mother and her daughter is awesome. But then you’re like ohhhh wait she is like super demented using Deadshot and Bloodsport’s daughters as collateral for getting them to work fer her. lmao.

K, so Chris gets a new helmet from his daddy, and his pet Eagly back and Eagly hugs him which is cute. Then he meets up with the nerds at a diner, and he calls a waitress sweet cheeks referring to her facial cheeks, but we all know that’s not what it means.

God this recap is so long. Okay so then Peacemaker follows the hot blonde nerd to a bar and tries to fuck her, she tells him off, but also says that he is handsome. And it’s like, no he fucking isn’t. Like yeah, he is tall and muscular, but that face. That is not a hot face. He has 2/3 I’ll give him that. And 2/4 if you count personality, but he ain’t hot. Like you need at least a 3/4 to be hot. Some might argue with me that personality doesn’t matter when it comes to hotness, but as a straight woman I can tell you that with the filth I deal with on a daily basis a nice personality really does come in handy. But I digress.

Anyways, blonde nerd leaves and Peacemaker finds some white trash to bone, and that’s great for him. He’s been in prison for four years. He can live a little. Unfortunately, after they fuck over the sink, she turns crazy and attacks him with a knife and beats the shit out of him really bad, so much so that he has to hurl himself out of a window at five stories in the air, which is not good for his recently replaced clavicle.

He manages to crawl to his car and sends Eagly up in the air as he scrounges around for his brand new spanking helmet that his white trash daddy made for him. Meanwhile, the white trash girl has jumped out of the fifth floor window with ease and does a superhero pose for good measure.

ANYWAYS, White trash girl finds Peacemaker but he puts his little helmet on and sends out a sonic blast just in time to explode the bitch.

And that was the episode. No need to watch it if you haven’t seen it already because I did really good job recapping it.

OKAY THANKS BAI!

XOXOXO COMIC BOOK BITCH

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

And Now, We’ve Said It.

In Batman: Urban Legends #6, Tim Drake’s Robin finally decides he likes dick, too.

In the latest Batman: Urban Legends, monthly anthology series, we pick up the story of Tim Drake AKA Robin. Meghan Fitzmartin as well as art by Belén Ortega and Alejandro Sanchez, created this issue, obviously because women and Latinos aren’t weird about LGBT+ stuff.

So, like, basically Tim broke up with his on and off again gf Stephanie Brown (Spoiler) and he’s pretty annoyed by his attempts to always try to do what Batman would want instead of exploring what HE WANTS. Like, he didn’t even need years of therapy to make these breakthroughs. I am so jealous.

So anyways in this issue, Tim’s old friend, Bernard, is in a cult. But one that sacrifices teens so when Tim saves Bernie he’s like, “wow I really like this dude. If he died I would be so sad cause I wanna mouth kiss him.” And despite being named Bernard, he’s pretty cute, so when Bernie and Tim fight side by side to overtake the evil cult, things get pretty hot.

After they save the day, Tim heads over to Bernard’s house, and old Bernard asks Tim on a date. Tim is like Hell yeah lemme get all up in those jeans.

Now, for longtime comic readers, we were all pretty sure that Robin was gay. But NOW it seems he is bisexual, as he had a long term love affair with Stephanie Brown. It was on and off again, but even if he liked her, he probs wasn’t exploring other aspects of himself, as he mentions in Batman: Urban Legends #4.

AND AGAIN longtime comic book readers, can tell that he probably chose this moment to come out with his true identity, because like, he was totes in love with his Young Justice teammate, Superboy. When the Conner Kent Superman Clone died, Tim Drake DID NOT TAKE IT WELL! Like, everyone thought it was just a “bromance.” But, then after Conner died, Tim Drake tried to bring him back from the dead and would not stop telling everyone he knew that he “couldn’t live” without his best friend. Now, I’m not saying they were playing “hide the sausage together,” but I am saying that Tim Drake DEF wanted to fuck his friend. Which is BEAUTIFUL. IT’S CALLED LOVE, PEOPLE!

So anyways, I’m happy for Tim Drake’s Robin coming out. I’ll say it once, and I’ll probably not say it again, Great job, DC!

I guess the only thing left to do is to JUST TELL ME THAT BATMAN AND THE JOKER ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your Comic Book Resources, Comic Book News, DC News, DC updates, Batman News, and Robin Updates.

Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

X-Factor #6 – There’s A Garden Full Of Dead Bodies!

Wow. Welcome back to Comic Book Betch, nerds!

Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.

Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David Baldeón

LEGGO

As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.

Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.

I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.

Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!

Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.

It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”

Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!

So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”

Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.

Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .

Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.

Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:

Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!

Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.

Lorna: So I should hate her forever?

Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.

Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!

Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters

Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?

Northstar: No.

….

Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?

Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.

Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.

Daken: What if she dies again?

Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.

Daken: With pleasure.

Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!

Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.

Ya Bloody Dibble!

Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.

After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.

Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.

So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”

Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.

Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.

Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.

You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?

Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:

Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.

Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?

Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.

Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.

So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”

Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.

Why is her hair so long in this scene?

I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!

Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.

Old Bitches Be Lying’ – Rorschach #2 Comic Book Recap

Welcome, welcome! I’m the Comic Book Betch, and today I am bringing to you the story of Rorschach AD.

If you didn’t read issue #1 and #2 then spoilers ahead!

Rorschach is a new series out by DC Black Label. Written by Tom King, art by Jorge Fornés, and the variant cover was created by Peach Momoko, which is the greatest name in the history of names.

In the first issue, two would-be assassins, a 19 year old named Laura and MAYBE the original Rorschach are at a rally for the New President, but before they get the chance to kill him they get shot and killed. So now there is a detective on the case trying to find out who the would-be assassins, they find out Laura’s identity very quickly, but the detective is on the case to find out about the other guy. He decides that he is William Myerson, the writer of Pontius Pirate, which if you read Watchmen, that’s the comic being compared throughout the entire series. OR It’s Davey Jones. IDFK. Anyways Rorschach is Walter Kovacs from the comics, but turns out these two have matching prints. So idk what the hell is going on.

That was your recap. Now issue #2.

The detective is trying to figure out what links William and Laura to Rorschach and whatever. So he talks to a lot of people. A LOT. It’s pretty boring. Anyways he finds out that William was a recluse and he can’t pinpoint how he would have hooked up with Laura.

Ah yes, the old sshfft noise.

Finally, he speaks to an old bitch named Alma, because she lives in William’s building and knew him because they went out on one date, once. Like 400 years prior.

It turns out that the date was awkward af and ended with Will on the elevator asking if he could kiss Alma at her door and she was like “nah.”

We stan a King who takes “no” for an answer.

And that could have been it, except she went on to marry some douche bag. She told that douche bag that she went out on one date with this nerd and the douche never left him alone about it. Fragile masculinity or what? You married the hoe, she went on one date and didn’t even kiss the guy, but because he’s a famous writer and you live in a one bedroom apartment that your wife owns makes you feel inferior so now you gotta pick on this fucking nerd for the rest of his life.

Annie Hall called she wants her sweater vest and oversized slacks back.

Then they show this weird scene where William took the name Alma Adler off of her mailbox and put it in his pocket. Creep.

Turns out the names were all replaced with numbers after that. Cool cool cool.

Then the detective finds this dumb comic that William wrote.

TTH.

The whole thing is trying way too hard to be smart. OR it went over my head because I’m not smart.

After reading this comic and talking to the security guard, he heads over to Alma’s apartment only to find a young man with moving boxes there. The man says that he switched apartments with Alma because her husband had the heart attack on this floor and she wanted to get out of the place because of that. The man doesn’t care because apparently this apartment is bigger than his. So they just switched. The guy also tells him about his one interaction with William and it was weird.

Grandpa hat sighting!

The detective goes detecting around the apartment and finds that the top lock is brand new never been used. OMG. So it was replaced! WOW. Detecting detecting.

Your hallway is dirty, clean that shit.

So the detective goes back to Alma and he starts going in on her. The conversation goes something like this.

Detective: Here’s a picture of Laura I think she was in your house with a guy wearing a Rorschach mask.

Alma : Abuhhh?

Detective: Yeah, so like I think they broke into your apartment and gave your husband a heart attack. They’re both dead now btw.

Alma: They’re dead? Well, damn I shouldn’t have given away my big, cozy ass apartment then.

Detective: Oh?

Alma: Crap.

Lyin’ ass hoe.

So that lyin’ ass hoe lied. I guess.

And that was it!

He figured it out!

The end!

I’d put money that this series either A) doesn’t get finished or B) is rushed for an ending because it is not good.

All in all, I did like this issue #2 better than issue #1, so maybe I will continue reading it. Like the Watchmen show on HBO it did get better and better after the first episode SO! Maybe Tom is going for a slow burn?

What did you guys think of this issue? Let me know in the comments below!

Batman: Three Jokers Issue #3 Comic Book Recap

I’m back betches. I’ve been reading this new Batman series by Geoff Johns, Jason Fabok, and Brad Anderson.

It’s about Batman and three jokers. Just like in the title. Three issues have come out so far and this one is the best one.

Batman has teamed up with Batgirl and his old Robin, Red Hood, or Jason. The most hated Robin of all time. In the first issue they discovered that there are three jokers parading around killing people and they need to find the real one. Red Hood shoots one of them and that makes Batman and Batgirl really mad because they are super weird for the law, and then in the second issue they discover that the remaining two jokers are creating tons of other jokers because the Jokers want to create the ULTIMATE JOKER. That’s what leads us here. OH and Batgirl totally kissed Red Hood last issue and then immediately regretted it and we find out why she regretted it in this issue.

So let’s recap shall we?

First off the trio are having a meeting which gets heated quickly, with Batman grabbing Jason and threateningly holding him. Like Batman, take a chill pill. A Xanax. A Xanax is a chill pill btw.

OH! JUST BECAUSE I MURDERED SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD I’M THE BAD GUY? WHATAMI? A COP??

After they scream dramatically at each other for a minute, Barbara is like, dudes wtf? Fragile masculinity amiright? So because she owns them both they both take a breath and Batman reminds them that they agreed to work together and Red Hood can’t go and shoot everybody all willy nilly. Like a cop. RIP BREONNA TAYLOR

The trio is like, well the jokers are trying to make a better joker. The ultimate joker, maybe if we knew who the real joker was, and his true identity this would be easier and Batman is like “er, righhttt. Anyways Jason I’m sorry I assumed you were dead and then left you for dead, but the writers asked the readers to call a number if they wanted you live and another number if they wanted you to die, and everyone wanted you to die, so the fact that you’re alive now means that the writers DID not listen to the audience.”

And Red Hood is like “Oh is it because I’m mad annoying? And was mad annoying? And still am really annoying?”

And Batman is like “yeah.”

Jason, are you-are you about to cry? Bitch.

Then Jason says “I think you know who the real joker is and you’re not telling us.”

And Batman is all “nuh-uh.”

Next scene, Batman goes to prison to visit Joe Chill. Joe Chill is the man who murdered Batman’s parents in front of him. Anyways he’s dying of cancer and has been moved to a hospital bed, but the Jokers took him from the hospital bed and brought him to a movie theater.

All of the bats and Red Hoods get to the theater and it’s raining. Spooky.

WHIPSHAW! CLOMP! SQUUEGY. (how imagine it sounds when all three of them landed)

They split up in the theater. Batman finds Joe Chill and a Joker immediately, meanwhile his two sidekicks are fighting jokers on the other levels.

I know I got junk in the trunk, but I don’t think I need this many bellhops.

Batman tries to save Joe Chill, but Joker is wearing a vest of dynamite, snooze. Get another prank will you? Anyways, he’s playing a video in the theater of Joe Chill explaining why he killed Bruce’s parents, and why he is sad about it and knows it was a mistake.

Batman is all, “Hey Joker, this is an old man dying of cancer why do you want to make him into a Joker?”

Joker: Because he means everything to you! And I want to mean everything to you!

Batman: Awe. That’s cute.

Batgirl: WTF?

Batman: Like, you know, in a stalkery way.

Batgirl: *raises eyebrows*

See? The Joker is just tired. He wants to retire, maybe to a beach somewhere. Yeah, a beach. That would be nice, eh Jokesy?

So there’s this bath of chemicals that creates Jokers, and This Joker wants to drop Joe Chill in it, and he even has him hanging from rope tied to a chair right above it, any second he can cut it and Joe will go tumbling in.

CUT TO: crazy fight scene

Batman knocks the lighter from Joker’s hands, Joker shoots at Batman, Batman kicks Joker in the stomach, Joker slits the rope and Joe goes tumbling towards the chemical bath, but aha Batman saves him!

DUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH JOE CHILL!

Outside of the theater, Joe apologizes to Batman, then Batman saves Joe’s life again when crumbling pieces of the roof threaten to crush him. The Joker shows up and then gets shot in the face and Batman is like “wha?” And it turns out it’s another Joker who shot him. Batman arrests this one and it’s over! Now Red Hood can awkwardly hit on Batgirl!

You can feel her eye roll through the page

The remaining Joker, The Comedian, explains everything, and I’m too lazy to write it so here’s the picture.

That has to be a chin implant, no?

This Joker says he knew how the whole thing would play out, Batman would save Joe Chill’s life knowing that he was sorry and he was the one in pain now, not Batman. That would heal Batman from his parents death and now his greatest pain would be the Joker. SUCH A CREEP!

Later Joe Chill dies, and Bruce holds his hand as he goes. HOW SWEET. Oh my gosh this is the love issue for sure.

Red Hood drives off to Alaska, but before he goes, he writes a note to Barbara AKA Batgirl. It goes something like this:

Dearest Barbara,

I’ve always admired you, for being hot and kicking people’s asses. I will totally give up being Red Hood to be with you, and we can have babies and I’ll be a stay-at-home dad and you can fight all the crime you want! This is not super desperate. I know we only kissed, for like one second but I totally got hard, and that’s why I think it was more. Even though you told me it wasn’t. I know it was and I’m also a man and can’t take no for an answer. You like me. You totally have to like me. Because I like you!

Love,

Red Hood.

Luckily the note falls off of her apartment door, because he wrote a damn note and not a long text or DM like everyone else would.

Next we get this cool intercut scene where Batman and Alfred talk meanwhile we get a glimpse at The Comedian Joker’s former life. Batman reveals that he knows the real identity of the Joker and he keeps it a secret to protect his family.

BUM BUM BUHHH!!

You knew this whole time, Bruce?! What the fuck! And you totally lied to your friends earlier when they were like “you know who he is don’t you” and you were all “nope.”

Damn. The shade.

But uh-oh, everyone’s least favorite Robin is up to his annoying ass tricks again. The same douchemobile Hummer we saw Red Hood driving in earlier, just pulled up to the Joker’s family’s house.

Damn, what a douche bag.

THAT’S THAT! How did you like this recap? Was it terrible, was it funny? Did you even make it this far into the review??? Let me know in the comments below!

Star Girl 2

Ugh.

Here we go, again.

Spoiler: The show is still terrible. But we shall journey on.

We begin showing Pat the Robot again after the battle we had yesterday and Star Girl jumps on his back and rides him home. Not in a concupiscent way.

I just learned that word from Russel Brand.

Back at the scene of the crime the green leather dress man finds Star Girl’s burnt up student ID. She is dumb for bringing identification to a fight scene. Like wtf.

Back at Courtney and Pat’s garage they’re both pretty fucked up from the fight, and Pat decides to stick his finger in the open wound on Courtney’s head which is fine. Just add some hydrochlorine to that shit.

Pat tells Courtney about the Injustice League which was the group of bad guys who killed star man and hawk man and hawk girl, etc and Courtney is like, why would you move us to a town full of super villains, STRIPSEY! Finally Courtney is smart about something.

We then get a new scene with a different family and some like 25 year old man walks into his parents room talk’em bout a noise he heard and thinks someone is inside. Why are you 25 living with your parents and also going into their bedroom when there’s a fucking noise? GO investigate it yourself.
ANYWAYS, the dad grabs a wand from a safe and ho-ho-ho look who broke in, it’s his old pal man in green dress and the first thing he says to him is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING A GREEN DRESS. Like, thank you, SOMEONE agrees with me. I like this guy already.

Back with Courtney and Pat, it turns out one member of the justice league survived for a while, Hourman. But Hourman got killed when he tracked the injustice league to Nebraska and Stripsey was given the information to take them down.

The next day at breakfast, C and P show up with random head wounds so the mom is mildly concerned because she’s like “what happened” and they’re like “we both fell down the stairs.” and she’s like “I’m late for work. Bye.”

Later at school, Courtney takes the star-man uniform and sews it up in the sewing class and apparently she is a terrible sewer because she breaks every single machine as she goes.

Meanwhile, Pat joins a gym.

After school there is some sort of assembly for no apparent reason, but it is the perfect place for Brain Wave to match his burnt student ID with a random hoe. And he finds that random hoe and chases Courtney into a deserted hallway, like stay in a group Courtney, how fucking hard is that? Cause now this man who moonlights as an ugly drag queen just threatened to kill Courtney’s WT mom.

Next we have a scene where Courtney and Pat argue about being superheroes again and their face wounds magically disappear, then reappear in the next scene. OOOO. Spooky.

Well they have to save WT mom’s life now, so Pat Robot goes down to meet Brain Wave and gets his ass handed to him. Until Star Girl shows up in her new slutty costume and beats the shit out of Brain Wave. Brain Wave eventually gets the upper hand and pins star girl down so she can’t reach her staff. You know the staff with a mind of it’s own that can fly? So the staff literally just felt like resting. I guess? This show is not good.

Pat shines a light on Brain Wave and apparently that’s his weakness. I should have known because he was so damn pale!!

How come your son is hot if you look like that?

The light gives Star Girl time to grab her staff and shoot him in the face.

He probably could have died but since they’re “heroes” they bring the guy to the hospital.

So they won! It’s over. Yay!

Nope, cue new bad guy rolling into town.

Some other old white guy walks into this random building and he goes to check on a beast that’s been kept locked up in a cage. For how long, I do not know. But if this Beast man is your friend like you’re pretending he is, you probably should let him out of his jail cell. Anyways I think this white dude is, Icicle, the one who killed Star Man and maybe is also the Senator? White people all look the same. I swear it’s just the actor who played Brain Wave with a brown wig on.

The End! Until next week. I wish Luke Wilson didn’t have such expensive taste but I must keep them egg rolls on his plate.

 

My Must Read List For Quarantine

Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.

1. Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
2. Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
3. Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
4. Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
5. Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
6. The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
7. Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
8. The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
9. Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
10. Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
11. Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
12. Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
13. Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
14. Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
15. Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra

I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.