For Peace and Justice, Seize the Enemy Pube!

Suicide Squad Blaze Issue #2 Comic Book Recap

Hello,

and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch. Today we will be talking about our childhood traumas.

Well, never mind, let’s talk about how this new Suicide Squad series is traumatizing me.

What an incredible first issue, if you missed it here’s what happened: There’s a new big bad guy and he’s like Superman but without any humanity. He doesn’t care about money or fame he just wants to watch the world burn. A la Joker I guess? That’s what I was getting anyways. So yeah, Amanda Waller gets called in and she’s like oh shit we gotta take down this motherfucker let me make some potion that can turn my group of evil superhumans into the most powerful beings on the planet!!!

For three months.

Then they die.

She goes to her A Team first, and they all turn her ass down. A-Team= Harley Quinn, King Shark, Peacemaker, and Boomerang.

So after being turned down Amanda goes with Plan B: Having a bunch of super criminals fight it out for the chance to die in three months. And also get super powers. 5 make the cut. one dies on the way,(Boris) and his power is spread out to the remaining 4. Also taking a bit more life from each of them.

This is when we meet the hero of our story, Michael Van Zandt, a sad man who bonnie and Clyde’d with the wrong lady, Tanya. Some crazy hoe who likes to use Michael. I think? Unsure at this point.

Issue 1 left us with 4 superpower criminals with a death wish, and 4 members of the A Team suicide squad.

So issue 2 begins with Amanda Waller having a chat with Superman about the big bad she has her goons fighting. And it’s really funny.

She said “Grow up, you fucking cartoon” lmao

Meanwhile, Superman is battling the metahuman gangsta on his own, and Tanya and Michael are boning. But then she decides she’s not into it and says let’s go to sleep. Also Michael has invisible arms. This is the worst superpower ever, but hopefully shit got better when Boris died.

So, Superman was able to find and battle the meta human because he ate Boris and Boris, well, all of them, had a radioactive isotope or some shit injected in them so they could track the meta human. They find this out, and it doesn’t really matter because they’re all going to die before the radiation poisoning gets to them anyway.

Wow what a fun story. This is one you can share with the kiddos. They’ll just love it.

Poor baby King Shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do.

Waller tells them their next mission, and it goes like this

Waller: Find and destroy the meta human. And if there is a hostage, you know, pick him up, or whatever. NBD. Not saying THERE IS ONE, but you know just in case.

Tanya: You mean, Superman? The one you sent in after us? Pretty sure he’s dead cause Meta Human dude ripped out his spine.

Waller: How the fuck do you know that?

Michael: We have shared visions now.

Waller: Ah fuck.

On to the mission, they find Superman and he is FUCKED UP! But he said nffhhh. So he prolly still alive. The jerk. ANYWAYS, they sense the meta human coming home early and they release this gas that Waller gave them that will, idk, do something to the creature, but really it does nothing, spoiler. So the expendable super-powered criminals start fighting each other, except for ol’ Mikey, who just sits back crying and sobbing.

Oh no! That’s our hero! Sort of!

And what he looks like is just a regular ass dude, other than the fact that he is covered in blood and shit and has an erection… So I guess, yeah just a regular ass dude. Nevermind.

Tanya dips out of the fight to find Mike, and she’s all “I hit him really hard, but I feel nothing, I just WANNA FEEL. Wah.”

Then the creature is all “sniff, sniff, I wanna kill this hoe.”

Then Mikey is all, “Oh no you don’t! I like, love her or something!” Then he blasts the creature away.

So the creature decides to murder Boomerang instead! Weeee!!!!

Harley aborts the mission and Xavi, the latino, who hasn’t doesn’t much so far in this series gets a little too excited that he didn’t die and then starts to implode on himself. So Peacemaker gotta come in and start a “Frenzy” Which is the codeword to make King Shark go into a… frenzy. And he eats Xavi before he can explode. And then King Shark gets his powers. Which made me shed some tears, because I don’t want baby King Shark to die!!!! He’s too adorable and sweet to die! It’s not his fault he’s a fucking shark!!!! Ugh. I’m so mad rn.

He just wanna call his mawwmmy.

After this clusterfuck happens, we learn that the meta human…

A. Has the same parasite, Blaze, that the convicts were pumped with

B. He has a sister

C. He won’t die because his species is hardy enough to take the parasite.

D. His species is as of yet, unknown. But apparently not from Krypton, cause they coulda just shot some green bullets and the m’fer in that case.

After learning all of this BS, the criminals are rewarded with alcohol and narcotics. They party and shit, and Mikey dances with Harley and kisses her. So Harley bites him, but that’s not what hurts, what hurts is that she THERAPIZES the shit out of him after that. It was incredible.

Good pep talk, Harls!

On to the next mission, the squad is up after the Justice League took some hits by the creature, so it’s weakened, but their objective for this mission is different, instead of kill, kill, kill, it’s acquire a sample of DNA. Blood, stool, or hair. Whatever.

AND after Tanya confesses her love to Mikey, Peacemaker rips a pubic hair off of the creature and their mission is accomplished!

Oh and the creature gets Lucille. Who was this crazy girl I never mentioned, but she is crazy and shook a baby to death to get into jail. So. No harm, no foul.

Mission not over though, cause this is when all the shit hits the fan. As Lucille is struggling not to blow up, Peacemaker got hit by a stray bolt of lightning through his chest. Harley tries to get Mikey and Tanya to fight back, but Tanya is now a sniveling little wimp just like Mikey and refuses to fight. She just wants to be with her love, and now Mikey don’t love her cause HE IS THE PARASITE. He took everything from her and made her like him. What a bitch.

Moral of the story is, men are trash.

I really like this series.

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch.

Simon Spurrier – writer

Aaron Campbell – artist

Jordie Bellaire – colorist.

Peacemaker Series First Thoughts

Hello, and welcome back to another special episode of Comic Book Bitch.

Today we will be deep-diving into the premiere episode of the new Peacemaker series on HboMax.

And by deep-dive, I mean I am going to explain deeply shallow thoughts about the series with which I have no business discussing.

Now, if you haven’t seen the first episode of Peacemaker then just read this sloppily put together recap of the first episode first and then we’ll dive head-first into the shallow end of a concrete pool.

The series takes place pretty much immediately, or as much time as it takes a clavicle to be replaced in the human body, after Suicide Squad 2.

For my thoughts on Suicide Squad 2, listen to my podcast, Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra.

If you don’t want to listen to the podcast then here’s my thoughts: I fucking loved it. Except I hated Peacemaker, but in a love to hate way.

And I continue on my love to hate way about him on this series since he comes off as a lovable oaf despite him killing my best friend, Rick Flag.

SO! Peacemaker/ Chris has had his clavicle replaced, then he’s released and he’s like ummm, am I going back to prison? And he has no friends, so he asks this hospital janitor that he smoked pot with once if there’s cops out there. And there conversation goes like this.

Janitor: No, there’s no cops. Why?

Chris: Cause I was in prison for killing people.

Janitor: Oh why?

Chris: Cause I’m a superhero

Janitor: You have the wrong body type to be a superhero. And your face is at most 5/10.

Chris: I’m a fucking superhero!

Janitor: Aquaman is a superhero. And he’s gorgeous af. Have you seen that bod? That hair? That face? Yummm. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling? Did you hear that Jason Momoa is single?

Chris: Aquaman fucks women, men, and fish.

Janitor: No he doesn’t.

Chris: He gives the guy who works at the aquarium $50 every week and goes in the fish tanks and has his way with all the little fishies.

Janitor: Nah.

Chris: It’s true, I read it on Reddit.

Janitor: Wow, I just got the name of that site.

So no one, including any police, are there to take him so he goes back to his home, a nasty trailer, and he realizes his phone is still working which means he has been paying his cell phone bill from prison for four years, which means he ain’t got no money. Then these nerds from Suicide Squad 2 show up and are like, “hey you have to work with us or we will blow up your head.” So Chris is like, okay. Then he goes to his dad’s house to complain about his phone bill. His dad don’t give af, all he cares about is white supremacy.

Oh somewhere during this time we are introduced to Tastee from Orange is the New Black, she is married to a woman whose vagina we see in later episodes, and they are mothers to three small doggos who like to wear fancy sweaters.

AND she is Amanda Waller’s daughter. Which is like, oh wow Amanda Waller can’t be that bad, she is a mother and her daughter is awesome. But then you’re like ohhhh wait she is like super demented using Deadshot and Bloodsport’s daughters as collateral for getting them to work fer her. lmao.

K, so Chris gets a new helmet from his daddy, and his pet Eagly back and Eagly hugs him which is cute. Then he meets up with the nerds at a diner, and he calls a waitress sweet cheeks referring to her facial cheeks, but we all know that’s not what it means.

God this recap is so long. Okay so then Peacemaker follows the hot blonde nerd to a bar and tries to fuck her, she tells him off, but also says that he is handsome. And it’s like, no he fucking isn’t. Like yeah, he is tall and muscular, but that face. That is not a hot face. He has 2/3 I’ll give him that. And 2/4 if you count personality, but he ain’t hot. Like you need at least a 3/4 to be hot. Some might argue with me that personality doesn’t matter when it comes to hotness, but as a straight woman I can tell you that with the filth I deal with on a daily basis a nice personality really does come in handy. But I digress.

Anyways, blonde nerd leaves and Peacemaker finds some white trash to bone, and that’s great for him. He’s been in prison for four years. He can live a little. Unfortunately, after they fuck over the sink, she turns crazy and attacks him with a knife and beats the shit out of him really bad, so much so that he has to hurl himself out of a window at five stories in the air, which is not good for his recently replaced clavicle.

He manages to crawl to his car and sends Eagly up in the air as he scrounges around for his brand new spanking helmet that his white trash daddy made for him. Meanwhile, the white trash girl has jumped out of the fifth floor window with ease and does a superhero pose for good measure.

ANYWAYS, White trash girl finds Peacemaker but he puts his little helmet on and sends out a sonic blast just in time to explode the bitch.

And that was the episode. No need to watch it if you haven’t seen it already because I did really good job recapping it.

OKAY THANKS BAI!

XOXOXO COMIC BOOK BITCH

The Flash Movie Is Not Fetch, It’s Actually Happening

Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.

Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.

Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.

Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”

Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.

Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .

After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.

John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.

Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.

Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?

You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!

That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!

So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀

Episode 22 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

This one is a long one because we get very deep into conversation about Batman’s dick.

What else would you expect from your reladies?

Zoom quality was bad and we lost the first half of the audio so this one was quite an adventure to put out!

Stay till the end for the amazing Loki theories and Easter eggs we reveal!!

XOXO,

Comic Book Bitch

For all of your comic book resources, comic book news, Loki updates, Marvel trailers, Batman dick, and nerdy gossip!

Episode 21 of Relatable With Ilsa and Kyra – Pizza Rats

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relatable-with-ilsa-and-kyra/id1572357643

In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!

Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!

Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.

Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!

This is a fun one and I hope you enjoy!!

Xoxo,

Your friendly neighborhood Comic Book Bitch.

Y: The Last Man Series Coming To FX on HULU

In the new FX on HULU trailer we see what is coming to the streaming service from FX and apparently it’s a lot. This trailer shows little peeks of new and old shows including American Horror Stories Anthology series, Reservation Dogs, The Old Man, AND Y: The Last Man.

If you haven’t read Y: The Last Man, it’s probably because you missed My Must Read List for Quarantine.

For those that haven’t read the comic series by Brian K. Vaughan (SAGA) and Pia Guerra (Doctor Who) it is a series that takes place after every male (animals and humans included) were killed. So it’s a Utopia.

Just kidding, it’s like a big deal I guess. For me, it’s like Thank God the human race is over and we can all just run at night without the fear of getting raped, amiright?

Anyways, there’s still one rapist, I mean man left and that is Yorick Brown and his capuchin monkey, Ampersand. So freaking cute. They are best buddies and all they want is to find out why they’re the last dudes on Earth.

The show will be directed by Melina Matsoukas and starring Ben Schnetzer, Diane Lane, Amber Tamblyn, Imogen Poots, Lashana Lynch, Marin Ireland, Elliot Fletcher, and Juliana Canfield.

Can you believe it?

Since this has been in the works since 2015 I can barely believe it’s finally happening! If it’s anything like the comic book it’s going to be amazing!!

-Comic Book Betch

For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, marvel news, DC news, and Y-The Last Man updates!

Black Cats and Green Bats: Black Cat #2 Comic Book Recap.

Writer: Jed MacKay

Artist: C.F. Villa

Cover Artists: Pepe Larraz and Marte Gracia

Are you over Knull and his league of Symbiote dragons?

Well, I’m not!

This brings me to my wonderful recap, Queen in Black : Black Cat #2!

So the jist of issue #1 is this: Black Cat and friends were in the middle of a heist when Knull and the symbiotes attacked. The Avengers showed up but they couldn’t do shit, the most they could do was tell Felicia that she needs to save Doctor Strange because he’s the only hope in all of this mess. Captain America gave her this package that Doctor Strange needs to stop the symbiote and if she can deliver the package to Doctor Strange then he can save the world. Problem is, Doctor Strange is currently locked up in a symbiote goo prison on top of the Chrysler building.

Isn’t it lucky that my suit tore in THESE exact spots!?

Felicia and the boys meet up with symbiote expert Dr. Steve and the good doctor gives Felicia a prototype anti-venom suit. He had been working on these suits since before the invasion as he was warned in advance. LIKELY FUCKING STORY. Anyways it’s a combination of anti-venom serum and the lobotomized symbiote from the Absolute Carnage series.

Dr. Steve warns Felicia that the suits will basically dissolve at some point and the odds of her finding Dr. Strange in the symbiote goo faster than the suits will die off is slim to none.

However, Felicia knows a guy.

Dogs don’t play chess, they play poker. What an idiot.

With the suit, and a ghost dog, this mission is ready to begin. Felicia’s army of nerds gets her Goblin’s hovercraft to ride to the top of the Chrysler building and it looks pretty badass, I have to say.

Wouldn’t your feet just slip out of the back? What’s the point of those straps?

They make it to the goo prison and Felicia jumps off the aircraft and throws her ball of anti-symbiote suit-suit like a Pokeball and it’s binds to her, but she says it feels weird because it’s crawling all over her. BITCH, IT’S A LIVE SUIT. WHAT DID YOU THINK? You literally have alien organisms attaching to your body rn.

Look! There’s a black cat on her chest! AWWWW what a cute spot for a kitty.

Felicia and Bats, the ghost dog, land inside the goo ball, and although Felicia can breathe thanks to her suit, she can’t see anything. So how tf she gon’ get to the Doctahh? Luckily, Bats is like “hey hoe, I found him.”

She follows Bats through the goo and all the while she is just talking shit about symbiotes and how much she hates Eddie Brock and it’s all his fault, blah blah blah.

Just as Felicia’s suit is about to fail her and she starts wheezing for breath, they find Doctor Strange and she throws the Pokeball- er, I mean the anti-venom, er, anti-symbiote, NO! the SYMBIWON’T. hahhahaha. good one, betch. Anyways she throws that ball and the suit envelops Doctor Strange.

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!

Bats leads them out of the goo and they fall from the sky, luckily Felicia’s nerds have the Spider-Man buggy and they drive up a wall to pick her up.

Here grab this pole I barely have a grip on. That should be fine for you and the large man you’re carrying.

One of Felicia’s nerds, Bruno is tasked with driving the buggy out of harm’s way, meanwhile the other nerd, Doc, his job is to wake up Doctor Strange. Black Cat creates the distraction by throwing bombs around, making light blasts, because symbiotes like the dark. Little known factoid for you all.

Felicia thinks and thinks in these black boxes throughout the chase scene about how they’re all just lowly thieves and caught up in a crazy mess and she just wants to steal, etc. Then this crazy ass mother fucker, Bruno, drives the little buggy off a building and they crash.

Spoiler alert: Everyone survives.

They regroup and their conversation goes like this:

Bruno: Hey, the buggy is dunzo.

Felicia: well that sucks cause if you look in this panel, there’s about a million symbiote dragons heading this way.

Doc: Panel, what are you-

Felicia: This package, you know the one that Comic Book Betch mentioned earlier? With the magic wand in it? We were supposed to deliver this to Doctor Strange so he can win.

Doc: Yeah, but why are you being so expositional right now? Who the hell is Comic Book Betch? You could just say “the wand” or the “package.”

Felicia: Shut up, Doc. Anyways, why don’t I just use it?

Bats: That’s a horrible idea. You don’t know what it does, also it’s magic and you’re not magic.

Doc: Yeah that’s a bad idea, you could die. Please don’t do it.

Bruno: Don’t do it, Felicia.

Felicia: ….

Bats: ?

Doc: ?

Bruno: ?

Felicia: I did it.

It looks like Doctor Strange’s collar is tiny arms and he is waving them around like ‘YAS QUEEN’

Turns out it was an Asgardian wand and it gave her a fucking GODDESS outfit. It even braided a piece of her hair! OMG.

DAMN. The whole ride from beginning to end was a 10/10 FOR ME DAWG!

I was not expecting this ending, and I am fully in support of an Asgardian Black Cat Goddess.

What do you hoes think? Sound off in the comments.

Star-Girl Episode 1 Recap

I’m going to keep this short because Lord knows I can go on for hours with these mo-fucking recaps.

The CW is not something I watch on the daily, but as it is flooded with superhero content and has been for some time it seems like I’m a pretty lazy comic book blogger since this is the case. So here comes my first TV show recap. And I’m starting with the wonderful, Star Girl.

Now, did I want to watch this when I saw the trailer? No.

Do I want to keep watching it now that I’ve seen the first episode? Also No.

But will I be watching it in order to keep food on Luke Wilson’s table? Yes.

Look at the sadness in those eyes! He’s so hungry! Feed him! Someone feed him!

Speaking of Luke Wilson, he plays Stripsey, the sidekick to Star Man. What’s weird about that is, is that Stripsey was Star Man’s butler and five years his senior. He also has a flying car that blows up.

The beginning of this show is cool. It’s like a fight scene. Explosions. Bad guys VS good guys. There are lasers. Star Man gets stabbed really bad and then he tells Stripsey as he is dying that his staff will eventually go to someone worthy, and that worthy person is definitely not Stripsey. I guess they thought the dying scene between Stripsey and Star Man was funny but it wasn’t? So…Anyways Stripsey is all “You have to go to a hospital, man” and Star Man is all “What fucking superhero do you know goes to the fucking hospital let me die in your car as it blows up, how about that?”

Cut to: A little girl on Christmas Eve sad because her mom is leaving for work. Grow up, bitch. Parents have to work. Sorry you have to be with your rich best friend on Christmas Eve.

This selfish little girl grows up to be Courtney and Courtney’s mom, who is type-casted as a white trash diner waitress in every movie btw,  is dating Stripsey, who just goes by Pat now. Pat has a fat dog and a son who is really annoying and likes video games and science. So I guess he will be the Ron to Courtney’s Kim Possible? Except, like, they won’t make out. Hopefully.

Her pants hanging off always bothered me.

Also Courtney is like a gymnast or something.

They move to Nebraska for some reason and everyone in Nebraska is really nice to them except Courtney who goes to school and no one likes her. Which is so weird because she is a “regulation hottie” not a fucking nerd. But some old Asian bitch who must be a teacher because there’s no way that old bitch was in high school, decides to relegate Courtney to the table of “loners.”

The jocks come over to the table and try to see nude pictures of one of the hoes at her table. Courtney ends up standing up for  the girl who doesn’t want to show off her hoe pictures. Then the jocks are like “then we’ll take your phone, blondie” and she’s like what the fuck and pushes this dude and she gets in trouble because white men don’t get in trouble. Not in Nebraska anyway.

Later at dinner, the nerd son is like “I made friends.” And then the white trash mom is like “did you make friends, Courtney? It’s Friday. You should probably go hang out with someone. Like seriously, can you leave?”

So Courtney is like “okay, I’ll go to the basement since I have no friends.”

In the basement star man’s staff is there, blah blah blah. She goes to hang out with the sentient staff and they decide to blow up the jock from earlier’s car.

After Courtney blows up the car and beats the jock in the head with the sentient staff, satisfied, she decides to go home.

Stripsey grabs the staff from Courtney and is like “hey, that’s Star Man’s” And when it touches Stripsey it dies. Ooo. That means Courtney is worthy.

Courtney assumes that Star Man must be her dad because the staff works for her, and also because Pat shows her a picture of the JSA and the guy in her locket is the guy in the photo, so she finds her mom and is like, “is my dead dad a superhero?”

Which is a strange thing to ask your parent.

WT mom is like, “No. He showed up five times in your entire five years of living and one of those times was to shove his dick inside of me and forget to pull out. Trust me, if he was a hero, he would know how to pull out.”

“Trust me.”

UGH IT’S NOT OVER.

The jock who got his car blew tells his daddy, and his daddy is clearly a super villain and I’m not just saying that because he’s a rich, white man. He wears circular wire rim glasses. Yeah. Their conversation goes like this:

“Daddy, a girl beat me up with a glowing stick! WAHH!”

“Tell me more about this glowing stick, who was the person wielding it? Did they perhaps have a star on the front of their shirt?”

“What, um no, it was dark, are you mad I stole and then blew up your car?”

“Hmm, what? Oh, no. It was insured for twice what it was worth, you have made me richer with your stupidity. Goodbye, if you learn anything from this exchange it is that you never have to take responsibility for your actions because anything you do is fine!”

Then the dad goes into his closet and opens it and there inside is the tackiest green, leather dress I have ever seen.

Please, go back and change.

Later at Courtney’s house the staff wakes her up to go play again and luckily she is sleeping in bed fully clothed with the jeans and t-shirt and zip-up hoodie she was wearing earlier. Who sleeps like that?

Anyways, they get on a roof and she does treats the staff like it’s a pair of uneven bars or a pommel horse. Then an unknown entity begins to telekinetic-ally beat the shit out of her. She is thrown into a fence and then into a pile of tires.

The telekinetic guy is the one who wears the ugly green dress. And he tries to read her thoughts, but she slaps him with the staff. Then he starts shucking giant tires at her which she slaps out of the park with the Staff like she’s fucking Aaron Judge.

Then a giant robot comes to save her.

THE END.

What did you guys think of Star Girl? Did you hate it as much as I did? Will you continue to watch for sad Luke Wilson? Will this show be canceled in the middle of the season, or will they let it go on for it’s full run? All these answers and more will be revealed as 2020 continues to drag on trying to give 2016 a goddamn run for its mother fucking money.

 

Daphne Byrne Issue #1 Recap

Ooowweee!!  It’s a spooky one today, betches!

DC is still coming out with shit. This is some of that shit.

Right now this comic is 4 issues deep and was created by Laura Marks, Kelley Jones, and Michelle Madsen.

Here’s what the description kinda said : 19th century New York City. A young girl is sad because her dad died and her mom went batshit. BUT IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH SHE ALSO IS BEING HAUNTED BY A PRESENCE WITHIN HER!

I mean, that’s a great logline if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t.

OH! I wanted to mention that I almost did a recap for the new Batman that came out last month, but it was SOOOO boring that I just could not. But don’t take my word for it, it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to put my sweatshirt on today.

SO ANYWAYS, DAPHNE BYRNE. THAT’S THE GIRLS NAME! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?

The comic starts showing Daphne’s mummy at a psychic, then it shows the streets and this terrifying hobo begging for change, this is called FORESHADOWING, ok?

A face not even a mother could love.

After all of that foreshadowing we get to where Daphne is, she’s at school! Because she’s a child! A child of a rich person, but apparently the family is going broke because her dad died, and her schoolmates decide that, instead of helping their schoolmate who is going through a rough time and isn’t on her feet yet, they’re going to just talk crazy shit about her in attempt to get her to cry!

Girl: I heard they’re going to lose the carriage!

Girl 2: And her dad is dead! HAHAHAHA!!

Daphne: I’m just going to sit here and pretend to color because otherwise I’m going to cry, because I am a child and I’m being bullied for things that are out of my control. Ta-ta-ta-tum-tum. Avoidance is the best method for healing!

Dumb hoes.

Now her schoolmates are headed to the park and she is sitting on the ground playing with a rock and one of the girls is like “wtf is that” and daphne is like “It’s Basalt, a type of rock. I like it because I have witch tendancies, plus I wear all black, I’m really leaning into this whole dead dad thing. In fact, I’m going to the cemetary. See ya.”

And she does.

At the cemetary, she speaks to a plot of land that her father was buried in, and hugs a piece of stone with his name etched on it.

After her creepy good time with her dad she heads home. The maid and her mom are excited to see her and her mom invites her to see the psychic with her tomorrow! YEAH MORE SPOOKY GOOD TIMES!

Also time-out for creepy artwork appreciation.

Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I do my job well.

THE NEXT DAY THEY’RE OFF TO SEE THE MEDIUM PSYCHIC LADY!

On the way, Daphne’s mummy sees a homeless man begging for change, so she hands some change to Daphne and tells her young daughter to walk over to the homeless man and give him the change.

WHAT?

Do it yourself, bitch.

That’s what I woulda said, but what Daphne said was funnier.

Yum!

Mayon-egg

 

Yeah, him.

The hesitation was dignified, because when Daphne hands over her mother’s change to the zombie in the corner, he grabs her wrist and then all these worms start coming out of his wrists, then he pulls her towards his face where she can see multiple pustules. And we can’t smell him through a page, but I’m sure he did not smell great.

I don’t think anyone smelled good in the 19th century, TBH.

He says some creepy shit like, “you’ll do nicely, he’ll be pleased.” And the girl just rips her hand from his grasp and her mom is like, “Stop messing around, Daphne, we got shit to do.”

They go do their shit, which is talking to a fake Medium and we find out she’s a fake because Daphne is like, daddy do you remember looking at the stars? And the medium is like I sure do, Daph. Then when she leaves she reveals to her mother that the woman is a fake and they never looked at the stars and her mom is pissed because let’s be real the ghost talking is all that she has. She’s grieving and needs something to believe in and Daphne went and took a shit all over her hopes and happiness. THIS WAS HER SLIVER OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND YOU TAINTED IT YOU BITCH.

They’re surrounded by ghosts! And a weird-ass cat!

So they have dinner, it’s pig’s feet and Daphne won’t eat it. blah blah blah now it’s nighttime, Daphne is having a nightmare where she meets a man in nightmareland who says he is her brother, but they look nothing alike, so idk what to believe! I definitely believe in illegitimate children though. Especially in the 1800s. Like half of these bitches illegitimate I’m sure. So lyke,

You’re terrifying!

Half-brother, more like. ANYWAYS! there’s more zombies there like the guy she gave the change to, and half-brother is all “I’m going to take you to your dad, but first you have to chop up a pig!”

And Daphne is like “I wouldn’t even have the feet for dinner, why would I do that?”

Half-brother : Because you get to see your dad, idiot, also we love murder! Murder is fun once you get used to doing it!

Daphne: Yeah, okay. Give me a knife.

I just have to murder it, right? We’re not having this for dinner again?

Daphne slices up the baby piggy and wakes up all bloody in her bedroom.

She got her period. Great.

Well, that was anti-climactic. Gonna keep on reading those next few issues though! Have you read this issue yet? Are you thinking about it? Are you confused about my sweatshirt incident? Let me know all of your thoughts in the comment section!!!

XOXO, Comic Book Betch