Well, well, well. Look who decided to show the fuck up.
Principal photography on Warner Bros. and DC Films’ The Flash is officially a bitch walking into Starbucks and finding a line out the door. So done.
Get it? No? Okay I’ll keep trying.
Colin Nicolson, a sound mixer for the movie confirmed the wrap on his IG. “That’s a wrap on The Flash. #influencer #la #lainfluencer #soundguy #soundguyinfluencer #soundguyinfluencersofinstagram.”
Production on The Flash has suffered massive setbacks, like literally the writers were signed back in 2015. I was like, still a fetus then. Goo goo gah gah.
Like, a whole bunch of shit happened to cause these delays including Seth Grahame-Smith signing on to direct and dipping out only to be replaced by Rick Famuyiwa, who is was like “oops I signed on to The Flash? I thought I was signing on to The Rash, a post apocalyptic feature about and STI running rampant.” .
After that dude left, Warner Bros. got Joby Harold to rewrite the script cause it was shit. Now we’re in fucking 2018 and I’m finally out of the womb still waiting on this damn movie.
John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein were announced as the new directors, but that was literally just an April Fools joke, because then, Andy Muschietti was named the new director in August 2020, and production began with bitches in masks in April 2021. Despite the new script and new director, there were still some setbacks like an accident with a Batcycle. Whatever the fuck that is. Listen I don’t make the news, I just copy paste it and then make fun of it.
Barry Allen will be played by the great Ezra Miller, which I have no jokes about because Ezra Miller to The Flash is Ryan Reynolds to Deadpool.
Also there are some Batman’s in this movie including Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton. Um, who gonna tell DC that Marvel is already doing multiverses?
You know who won’t be in this movie and was supposed to be? A hot guy with metal arms!!
That’s right I’m fucking tal’m bout Cyborg. He was supposed to be in it but fucking Joss Whedon is a mother fucking white man who hates black people AND women SO! Ain’t happening. They were gonna be besties but racism is real!
So excited for another superhero movie starring a straight white male!! 😀
I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.
For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!
Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to “the edge of the universe.”
This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.
The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.
SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.
omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!!
ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.
GL Betch is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.
Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”
IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!
So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.
The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.
She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”
The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.
I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.
Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.
The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.
Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair?
Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.
Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?
Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”
And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”
Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.
So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.
NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?
Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.
They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”
So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.
GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.
HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!
Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!
So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.
None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.
So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”
Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.
GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”
I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.
You go, Glenn Coco.
Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.
My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics
After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.
Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.
She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.
She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”
A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM.
They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.
Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!
I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!
What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!
A mixed emotional one because I’m reviewing a comic book about two bad bitches that I love. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
I’m not crazy into DC stuff as we all know. I’m like a total hipster now because I’m not all about the mainstream anymore.
My cat is currently going buckwild on my pumpkin decorations.
Yeah, um anyways. THIS IS A 6-ISSUE MINI SERIES BY JODY HOUSER, ADRIANA MELO, MARK MORALES, and HI-FI
The mini series begin with a prologue by Harley. Harley ponders back on her wonderful friendship with Ivy, and remembers when Ivy died in Heroes in Crisis. Luckily, Ivy gave Harley a flower and she grew from the flower. Because that’s normal and fine. And JUST TAKE IT OKAY?
Why is that bed so firm?? Are they sleeping on wooden planks?
So they’re like chillin at a diner or something and some annoying ass kid is like “Why is Poison Ivy naked and green?”
So Harley yells at the kid and they decide to go shopping so Ivy can get a new outfit. But in the dressing room she like became this nasty ass clump of green mess.
New look, same bangs.
So Harley takes her home in a bag and then sends her to bed. Then Harley grabs some box from her basement and we get a flashback of where she got said box which was from some bitch-ass robot.
Why is he carrying it like that? That could get knocked out of his arms so damn quick??
So she takes this box she had in the basement and goes to Ivy’s room and tells her that its a brand new delivery from Lex Luthor. It is fertilizer with a note that says it will help her. Ivy takes it and eats it or something but Harley has a “bad feeling” well if that isn’t a dead giveaway then IDK what the fuck is.
So then Harley goes to her room to cry about how she didn’t get a present from Lex Luthor and then Ivy goes to take a nap and cocoon herself inside all of the bushes in her room.
They wake up the next day and Ivy has clothes on and Harley is excited that she looks better. She wonders if the fertilizer worked but Ivy said not all of her powers were restored.
WHY IS THE COFFEE SMOKING LIKE THAT
Ivy says she needs to go live somewhere else because, although Harley put a bunch of plants all over the place, she needs more. So Harley said they’ll go together but their next move should be that they become heroes. She came up with this idea while asleep because Flash killed Ivy last time and he’s a good guy so Harley has decided the world is already broken if good guys are killing people so its no fun to break it anymore. Or at least that’s the bitch-ass cop-out reason the writer came up with.
Harley is bored and decides to become a hero. Poison Ivy has no mind of her own and follows Harley into the abyss.
K thanks.
Just when it was getting boring, the plant on Harley’s kitchen table comes alive and attacks her. Harley is like wtf, Ivy? And Ivy is all “It’s not me!” Then they’re all “then who?”
And then we find out… It’s some bitch boy.
You can place flowers on any part of your body and you opt for a fucking shawl??
So this bitch boy who is a DRAMATIC AF jerk is like “Hey Ivy, the Parliamant of Flowers is in my grasp.” And Ivy is like “You’re not their champion. I am.”
And then Bitch Boy says ” I’m going to make use of you and TAKE the power.”
OOOOO! Wonder what will happen next! Well we don’t have to wait because issue #2 is already fucking out. But I’m a lazy ass bitch and I only posted this recap today!!
HOW DID YOU LIKE ISSUE #1?? Are you sticking around for Issue 2?? What do you think of Bitch Boy???
Comic Book Bitch 