Spider-Men II

Sorry to all my millions of fans for this long hiatus, my life changed dramatically, but what didn’t change is my love for comic books so I’m back now and ready for action. And as promised that last time I wrote, I have more Spider-Man to talk about. This time we’ve got a team up from alternate worlds! It is the Peter Parker and Miles Morales team-up of the century!! This story begins with both of them having been tied up and hung upside down together. I have no idea what they did to get themselves into this mess, but they must be dealing with some very nice criminals to spare their lives like that. Miles saves the day by performing one of his “mega venom” blasts. Unfortunately, the criminals just barely get away on their jet plane and Peter blames Miles for this. What a jerk.

Miles has the better costume so Peter can eat dirt

Oooo, so this book is one of those look what’s happened and let’s keep you on a string and then we’ll go back and tell you how this happened. Sounds good to me. I love that storytelling trick. I mean, there’s only about two ways to start a comic book if you really think about it.

So now that we’re in the story we begin with Peter doing a quick computer search looking for Miles Morales, the one from his universe that is. Because Miles Morales actually lives in a different universe from the Peter Parker we know, and in Miles’ universe Spider-Man was killed and so Miles decided “Hey, I can do that. Honor his memory and kick butt and whatnot, plus I’ll get a cooler costume.” BUT in alive Peter’s universe he wants to know if Miles exists there. And I think he does, because the next page Miles is rushing into class ten minutes late with a freshly printed term paper in hand. Printers are so annoying and unreliable. When will we stop cloning sheep and start making printers not suck?!

But I digress…

Now that Miles is safe in class, Peter is in danger fighting some huge armadillo. Yes. A huge armadillo. Something along the lines of “Armadillo-man.” I don’t know. I would make more fun of this, except that Peter seems to be very self-aware of the joke of a criminal he’s fighting against and pokes fun at him the whole time.

FLASH to Miles. He notices a girl from his class for the first time. As if he’s seeing the world with fresh eyes. As it turns out Miles has known her all year and only noticed her today because she wore a pink hat. Cute. But isn’t that how it goes? One day you look at someone and you’re like hmph, I never realized this person is attractive. Especially when you’re preoccupied with saving the world on a near-daily basis.

Suddenly a giant iron ball falls in the middle of Miles’ campus and interrupts his conversation with “Barbara.” He swings into action and meets up with Peter on a building in the city immediately. They follow the iron balls into a warehouse, a familiar warehouse. It’s the warehouse where they first met. Because Mysterio was going in and out of universes and then apparently the universe they’re now in is the universe of all universes. I don’t know but I’m just going to nod along and pretend I know what they’re talking about.

Why do these writers even bother coming up with these crazy ideas? Let’s just accept the fact that Superheroes don’t die and don’t age and be happy. Stop making up crazy universes and moving mutants through time. Or don’t. Actually definitely don’t. I feel smart when I talk to people about this kind of stuff in comic books because it confuses them. I TRICKED THEM ALL.

WOW! You guys should buy this comic book, the taskmaster just showed up to smoosh these little spiders.

THEN….

SOMEWHERE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE…

An all grown-up Miles Morales comes back home to his mansion from walking his little fluffy puppy and a lady in a white dress tells him that he’s got to go to New York because the Taskmaster just showed up. And Miles, with his scarred up, “I’ve seen it all” face, is not too pleased with this development.

I fink u fweeky n i like u a lot

This was a good one. Two good characters team-up, one that’s really funny and one that has girl drama, it’s the perfect buddy-cop scenario. It’s also funny that they have the same name. Not knowing who is talking to whom will be RIPE for hijinks to ensue. “Hey Spider-man, not you, Spider-man!”

I can tell I’m gonna like this one. I bet their going to have a falling out and not be friends and try to solve the case on their own, and then they’re going to be friends again and team-up to save the day. If I’m right, everyone owes me $1.

Dead no more : The clone conspiracy

This #1 issue is an “Amazing Spider-Man” special event that you’ve probably already read, and if you haven’t, I’ll let you know if you should pick it up.

Wow. That sounded presumptuous. 

In this universe Peter Parker has his own business called Parker industries and “has offices around the world and San Francisco.” This I got straight from the introduction… Why San Francisco doesn’t count as part of “the world” we may never know

The story begins with the funeral of Jay Jameson and Peter is brooding in the corner thinking of all the people in his life whom he has lost. Jay Jameson is the father of J.Jonah Jameson and was the second? Third? (did she ever marry doc ock?)  husband of Peter’s Aunt May. As Peter reminisces about all the people he has had a hand in their death of, Peter reminds himself that Jay was old and died of natural causes. That is until J. Jonah Jameson calls him out and says Peter talked Jay out of using a new science experiment that would have saved his life. Damn. Peter Parker sort of kills a lot of people. Must be his karma for never killing bad guys.

Long story short he talked him out of the procedure because he knew one guy who got it and his Spidey sense went off when he shook his hand. THAT WAS IT.

Great job, Parker.

Peter also has a new sidekick and she is a little person and they decide to pay a visit to the guy who had the procedure to get some closure. Boy, this closure is immediate. There is already trouble. The guy, Jerry, has been abducted and his wife fears she won’t get him back. Apparently Jerry didn’t take his daily pills and had a meltdown. Literally of cellular degradation. Cute. So now Parker and his little friend, Anna Maria Marconi, are on the case. As they drive away Peter’s spidey senses fail him as there is a shadowed figure hanging out by a tree in front of Jerry’s house, and the figure has claws. I should mention that.

WHO DAT!?

Okay, next up, they head over to New U Headquarters which is… IN SAN FRANCISCO.

I get it now.

What I like about Spider-Man’s adventures is that at the end of the day he is a scientist and an inventor. He has brand new web shooters that can cut through steel, he has spider-bugs that can trace his enemies, and he’s always experimenting on something he found from a crime scene. Such a good detective. First he’ll find you, then he’ll kick your ass.

Spidey breaks into New U and tracks down Jerry. He finds Jerry and he also finds who is behind this company. It is Dr. Miles Warren AKA the Jackal, and he’s bad ‘cause he clones people. In fact he cloned the Rhino’s wife so now the Rhino is indebted to him, and he cloned some chick who kissed Electro and then got his powers. FROM A KISS. Is this a Rogue clone? Like, I need more of an explanation, please. Why am I telling you about Rhino and Electro? Oh because they work for The Jackal and are currently fighting Spider-Man.

Spidey takes these two down easily and runs after The Jackal. Only to come face-to-face with everyone’s favorite clone, Gwen Stacy. And then everyone’s least favorite clone, Doc Ock. He’s everyone’s least favorite now that we know he exists, that is.

That seems a bit uncomfortable

The End.

Now of course there is a bonus story at the end. This time we are treated to an account of what happened the night Gwen Stacy died from her POV. Oooo. Peter Parker is not a good boyfriend. That’s for sure. He’s left her waiting in his apartment because he’s out with better things to do then keeping plans with his girlfriend. SO rude. Luckily, Gwen doesn’t have to worry about making alternate plans because the Green Goblin smashes in through her window and kidnaps her and drugs her and leaves her on the top of a bridge. But remember this is Gwen’s POV, so she’s drugged, but she’s still conscious. She just can’t move her body. She’s watching the fight go on between GG and Spider-Man and she realizes it is Peter because the Goblin keeps calling him Parker. She’s not happy about this realization because she blames Spider-Man for her father’s death. Healthy. 

Gwen is knocked off the bridge by the Green Goblin, as the story goes, and Spider-Man’s web seizes her leg and her neck snaps. Which is weird. Is it because her body was so relaxed? Because don’t they say things like that happened when you tense up? Because you know what’s coming? That’s why so many drunk drivers survive accidents and their sober passengers don’t because the drunk people are all loosey-goosey while the sober people are like FUCK. It’s like when I yank my boyfriend around while he’s sleeping to make it stop snoring. Should I be worried that I may just snap his neck one day? He does complain of soreness a lot… IS THERE A DOCTOR READING THIS THAT CAN TELL ME!?

THE DRAMA

So, Gwen dies from her snapped neck, but luckily she is scooped up by the Jackal and she awakes in a tube. Zombie Gwen. But she is healthy and so far she hasn’t said anything about brains. She decides to work for the Jackal because, I mean, what else is she going to do? She’s legally dead. Annnnddd it helped that the Jackal also has her dead father reanimated as well. So, Gwendolyn is reunited with the captain and then as we just saw gets reunited with her ex-boyfriend. Lotta bad vibes all around.

FACT: East Coasters hate California

So what am I actually reading?!

Since starting this new blog I have recapped a lot of #1 issues, so when did I pick up #2 and so forth?

Well my favorite that I discovered from doing this blog is Scarlet Spider! I’m on #3 right now and can’t wait for #4 to come out and I will most likely continue to read this comic as it comes out. Ben Reilly is just so funny and fucked up. He’s trying to do right after his stint as a super villain, and what a guy! A clone with no real family or friends wants to do the right thing? Easily someone could become evil but he’s out here trying to be a hero. And he’s sooo funny. I could listen to him comment on paint drying and I would love it. 

Another one that I am following up with is Secret Empire, and this is because I have to. I am morally obligated to keep up with this story line. It’s like missing out on the Civil War. I can’t call myself a Marvel fan and have no idea what is going on in the Marvel World like this. A huge story like this only comes along once every few years and it’s a big one. I mean Captain America is a Russian spy. If you’re not reading Secret Empire you are wrong.

What I liked but have been lazy about…

Nick Fury. Now that was an amazing #1. I think I’ll wait until the series comes out into hard-ish cover, or whatever you would call that, it’s weird to call it paperback since they’re all paper backs. This is something I might force my boyfriend or another guy who is not really into comic books to read. I think it’s a good one to get someone into comic books.

MIsfit City. I might also wait for the full series to come out to buy this one. I really want to see how this story goes. Maybe I haven’t continued yet because I haven’t seen #2 at my comic book store yet.

Batwoman. This I haven’t seen #2 at my comic book store yet either, not that I was looking, but I really, really liked this comic book. Maybe I’ll wait for the whole series to come out or maybe I won’t be able to wait. I guess I’ll find out one of these Wednesdays.

What I continued with and kind of don’t care about anymore.

Jean Grey. So I recently picked up #2 and realized that this story is about a little girl who is afraid of her future of becoming a Phoenix. I would probably give this to my niece to read. If she wasn’t a week old, I mean. I don’t know any other children so I have no one to recommend this to.

Weapon X. Meh. This could have been so good and it’s just not. Maybe I’ll give it one more shot. My expectations were so high and I’m just so disappointed.

Elektra. I couldn’t take that arcade storyline. I liked that she was in Vegas but then all of a sudden she was trapped in Murderworld. I think it would have been more fun if she stayed in Vegas.

What I’m looking forward to…

Iceman. I will be purchasing #2. I think this is going to be really good. I missed looking out for it last week, maybe it was sold out? But I will definitely have an eagle eye out for it this week.

So basically yeah that’s it. This week I will be reviewing Defenders #1 and Peter Parker the Spectacular Spider-Man #1. I just previously reviewed Cable #1 and my answer to if I’ll be continuing on with that series is in the previous post!

Thanks for reading True Believers!