Hit-Girl #4 Recap

AAANNNNDDD SHE’S BACK!

Sorry about the hiatus, I discovered bravo on YouTube.

Wow, I really do not know my audiences.

ANYWAYS THIS WEEK WAS THE SHITSKY. Cause after I read the latest Hit-Girl, I found out this isn’t the last we shall see of little Mindy. No-ho. AND I read Saga #52 which I have been waiting it seemed like forever for. But I’m gonna try not to be an asshole to those people who have been a fan since #1 and legit have to wait every week.

OHHHHHKKK. Enough about me. Let’s recap this bitch shall we?

First off, props on the cover. It is a tribute to the late, great Miley Cyrus. SHE CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL. I’ve never fell so hard in love with a cover. Congratulations to Mark Millar, Ricardo Lopez Oritz, and them cover artists Amy Reeder, Mattea Scalera and Lee Loughridge. You really combined two of my favorite things: Miley mother fucking Cyrus and Mindy mother fucking McCready.

We begin our story with Mrs. Gallo praying in church. If you don’t remember issues 1, 2, or 3, then please remind yourself. Or just read what I’m about to say next. She hired Mindy to kill the bad, bad gang member who killed her son in cold blood. And somehow the gang member also has to help Mindy take down all the other gang members in Colombia first. Idk whose idea that was. I assume Mark Millar.

So the pope or priest or whatever (I am not religious, clearly) tells Mrs. Gallo “ya know if you keep pulling this bullshit you’re gonna go to hell.” And she’s like “Ya, that’s fine. I’ll be with my son.”

 

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Why is that gun the size of her lap?

 

Her son must have been a real shit.

To review from last issue, as that is where this story takes place. The bad guy gang member that Mindy forcibly turned into her partner, (ya know the guy who killed Mrs. Gallo’s son? KEEP UP!) turned on her, but Mindy had a plan B and she turned the gun onto Mano (The bad guy who killed the kid)’s little brother Jorge. Who is about to be initiated into the gang. Jorge also likes Batman. So there’s that, too.

So after the little falling out Mano and Mindy had they are back together and better than ever. They decide to start this morning off by sniping every single one of Mano’s friends.

Like literally all of them. The scenes of them killing all over the place are numerous and go on for pages.

 

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There’s more but this was the best one cause brains.

 

I imagine that the background music behind their murder spree is that  same one they used for “Rob and Big.” You know, “Let me tell you about my beeesssttt friend, He’s a warm hearted person who will love me till then end.”

It’s beautiful really. Here’s a link.

The members of Mano’s gang who are still alive try to take Jorge to a safe house or kill him. IDK. you never know with people who have questionable morals.

Hit-Girl and Mano are riding around in a garbage truck and she busts out onto a different scene by yelling something about wanting to take out the trash. It is very clever. All the awards, please.

 

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Good one.

 

So they crash the garbage truck and jump out, and what’s supposed to happen is that they are supposed to blow up the truck with bombs, but the detonator doesn’t work so they just shoot everyone instead. Very anti-climactic.

So then the garbage truck DOES explode. And Mindy is like “WHAT THE HELL!”

 

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Told ya’

 

Everybody dies.

Except for Mindy and Mano for some reason.

Mano is all, hey just kill me.

Mindy is all, um I said I wouldn’t.

Mrs. Gallo is all like, but I will

And Mano is all like, who are you.

And she’s all, you killed my son.

And then he shrugs and he’s like, “probably.”

He doesn’t even remember!

So spoiler she can’t kill him because she’s a good person. Luckily Mindy has a PLAN B. All women should.

ANYWAYS, the gang is mad at Mano for killing everyone with this little psycho girl and now they want to make a trade, Mano’s life for Jorge’s life. And as we know Mano has no qualms about murdering for sport and probably has an STD and a rotting tooth, but he definitely has a hard-on for that brother of his.

So Mindy throws Mano out of the car and to the drop off for the trade and they shoot him down while he says “but, but let me explain!!!”

The gang members are like, um no you killed like everyone.

So they shoot him and Jorge cries like a baby back bitch.

The gang member turns his gun on Jorge and says that he’s the brother of the traitor so they might as well kill him, too. Then all these little red lights show up on all of their clothes and then they explode into thin air! Like magical pixie fairies. OOOO!!!

Okay so then things get a little convoluted. Mindy pops out, she didn’t shoot Jorge, he’s the only survivor and she informs him that his brother wrote him one last “text message” Because that’s how things are done now in 2018.

That “text message” from “Mano” says that being a gang member is bad and not sexy at all and that Jorge is just a kid and should become Mrs. Gallo’s son that she never had. -Only a nine-year-old bitch could come up with this shit. But it works, and soon Mrs. Gallo and her adopted son Jorge are off galavanting around town working in diners and shit. But then she says something weird. That is a throwback to that sign in the pope’s office. And she says she’s taking Jorge somewhere nice and hot. Like Hell. So I guess she’s gonna murder him? Kinda weird to murder an innocent child when what you wanted to do was shoot his older brother who had murdered YOUR innocent child, but to each his own. Revenge gets twisted and I’m not gonna ask.

 

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Creep.

 

In the epilogue, Mindy decides on her next adventure after she breaks into a mobster’s mansion and murders him. She spins a globe around and points her finger at the next place. AND GUESS WHERE SHE IS HEADED? FUCKING CANADA. Okay, yeah. Looking for the biebs or something? I’m sure Justin Trudeau got some job for you over there. Maybe milking trees for maple syrup.

Are you serious?!

CANADA!

Well, how did YOU like this series? I gotta admit, I was wrong about the ending. And I really never could have predicted the one that Mark Millar wrote…So I guess good for him?

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OHHHH CANADAAAA

Hunt for Wolverine The Claws Of A Killer #1 comic book recap

Ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to present to you, something even cooler than I initially thought would be amazing. Truly, truly, truly, this #1 issue comic book is basically my dream scenario come to life.

Now, let’s get to boring you with the details in this here recap…

Some background before we get into this 4 issue run written by Mariko Tamaki.

Logan has been killed and the X-Men have come to terms with his death. But soon, there is an attempt made to steal his corpse. Unfortunately for the thieves, that corpse is on the move…

SPOOKY SCARY! WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH!

So yeah, everyone is like “oh shit, the body is gone, what do we do? Let’s solve this mystery and if he’s not dead let’s put him back underground.” YAY!

The comic book begins in Maybelle, Arizona population: 343. A fabulous high-class bar and its classy patrons are getting angry at the “game” and how there are no “players” anymore just “bodies.” I have no idea what sport they’re watching, but I assume it is Rugby because I don’t know anything about that game and therefore assume the worst about it.

 

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YA! Useless dummy runners!

 

The bartendress happily changes the channel when the power goes out and the elegant patrons get grumpy. Some first-rate civilians offer to head to the “power station” to figure out the deal with the electricity.  They are bumbling around trying to fix shit, when they hear a THUNK and decide to find out where their buddy, Larry went.

They follow the noises to a control room where they find their old pal, Larry slumped in a chair bleeding from his mouth and a really hot guy standing oddly tall for someone who is 5’3, in a plaid shirt, jeans, and accessorizing with some adamantium claws for a little sparkle to the wardrobe. A really nice effect, IMHO.

 

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Girl, is this the Met Gala? Cause you got a Heavenly Body!!

 

I think we can guess what happens here…

Back to the bar…

Bartendress and hillbilly man are discussing who is funnier between the two of them. Obviously, bartendress wins. Then like, this green blast of light overtakes the entire town and Bartendress is like, “Ew, why?” And then the hillbilly patron guy’s eyes start bleeding, and then the bartendress is super like, “Ew, now seriously, why?”

SO that happened. NEXT, We find the heroes of our story. Who are actually villains? HOORAY!

You can probably guess who they are based on the cover. OH, BTW big shout outs to Greg Land for the cover art and Butch Guice for the awesome and crude-looking (in a good way) artwork.

So Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike (BFF GOALS) have set a meeting with the lovely little Daken aka the son of Wolverine. Also -side note- Daken hates his dad… But, don’t we all?

 

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Um, he said “rotting” not “rottin'” Get someone get this guy a dictionary?

 

The trio decides to team up and find the missing Wolverine corpse that the Reavers were trying to steal but couldn’t, Daken is like “oh we’re friends now?” Lady D is like, “Actually, no, but we’re gonna be friends until we find and kill this guy.” Then Daken is like good because Sabretooth sucks, and Sabretooth is like, “Yeah, I’m actually the worst.”

 

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So, does Daken do that to his hair, or is it like, natural? Like Logan’s cowlicks?

 

So Lady D has a way to find and track Wolverine. They get on the road and get to tracking. This leads them to the same bar in Maybelle Arizona. Daken takes one sniff of the air and decides that his dad isn’t there. Sabre and D-Stroke decide they have to go #1 (or so they claim) and they might as well stop and look around anyway.

Daken is like well this is boring being trapped in the backseat of the car, reminds me of my childhood. OMG WAIT I DIDN’T HAVE ONE!! So he cries and is like I should HEAL THIS CHILDHOOD WOUND BY POUNDING ALCOHOL INTO MY FACE.

ence cat
Thank you, Science Cat.

Daken unwittingly heads into the classy bar and finds himself face to foot with the bartendress. But before he notices her, he notices these two goons.

 

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Daken’s face is priceless. He’s like “hmm, this is somewhat unexpected.”

 

It becomes increasingly obvious that something is going on. ESPESH CAUSE THEN THIS HAPPENS:

 

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Face to foot. LOL I’m Hilarious.

THAT’S RIGHT FRIENDS!

FUCKING ZOMBIES. OH MARIKO TAMAKI! YOU WIZARD OF THE YARN!

Wolverine + Zombies = Goals.

So Daken gets his foot bitten and then all the undead patrons come out of the blue and start attacking him. As he fights back he notices that he isn’t healing. Eventually, they all climb on top of him like in one of those Rugby tackle-things. (I ASSUME) and bury him underneath their dead, rotting bodies. YUM!

 

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Now is this a ruck or a maul? I always get so confused.

 

TO BE CONTINUED CITIZENS!!

Now side-note and personal storytime, I shared this comic book with a friend of mine and he said wtf, why are there zombies? And to that, I say, WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE!? MORE ZOMBIES PLEASE. EVERYWHERE THERE SHOULD BE ZOMBIES ALWAYS!!

What side of the fence are you on? Are you roaming free with the undead or are you building a utopia free from their oppression? Let me know in the comments! OH! And if you have a zombie escape plan I would love to hear about that too! If you think zombies are dumb or a played-out trope, you are wrong, but I would still like to hear your side!!

BYE FRIENDS!

 

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Hawkeye #1. Kate Bishop

@79semifinalist @Leo__Romero

Well hello there. It is I, the Comic Book Betch. Here to bring you another installment of the terrible recapping series of #1 issues of comic books that have come out so long ago you don’t even care anymore!

Kate Bishop is my favorite human in the whole wide world. Or Maybe it is Kelly Thompson (writer) I do not know. This series was also drawn by Leonardo Romero. Ooo lala.

Kate has left poor Clint Barton in Bedstuy, Brooklyn and moved back to her hometown in sunny LA.

She has started her own ALIAS business. And right now she’s on a mission in Venice, California. I should also mention that she’s wearing an I (Spider-Man) New York sweatshirt. And she’s funny.

 

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I want that hoodie. 

 

She is creeping on some hot surfer dudes hanging out with their shirts off. She’s tailing a man named, Brad, we do not know what for yet. As she continues her creepery, her photo lens falls on a trio of men in suits. Which looks completely out of place on the beach, they are being very obvious and she is concerned. She goes into spy mode and out of thirsty creep mode immediately.

Kate realizes they have guns, masks and are walking into a bank. Probs gonna rob it. So she shoots out their getaway car tires, calls 911 for backup and strolls into the bank… offering sass.

 

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Kate Bishop is the type of bad-ass b*tch we should all aspire to be. Also, the costume is on point, queen.

Kate marches in there and fires off some smoke arrows, hits a guy in the face, and then shoots another man up against a wall. It. Was. Awesome.

She marches out with her trademark saying…

 

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NEVER forget to tip.

Hawkeye goes home to her rundown apartment/ detective agency. We are introduced to her neighbor, Ramone. She owns the record store next door and will probably become Kate Bishop’s best friend for the series. Allegedly. Ramone makes fun of everything that Kate Bishop owns.

A client pops into the ALIAS business and is actually looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye. Then she goes through a series of people looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye and she grows increasingly tired of this BS throughout the day.

Finally, the last girl to walk into her office is Mikka, a girl who is being harassed online. Kate takes the case and starts the very next morning.

The computer lab lady refuses to let Kate into the computer lab and threatens to call security on her since she doesn’t have a student ID. So she steals one. RUDE.

Kate is having some issues so she is approached by one of the student workers who knows about tech shit. His name is Quinn and she screams at him because he calls her Sunshine. Eventually, they decide to work together because Kate knows nothing about Proxy shit and IP Servers. MMKAY. SO we have established a best friend, a partner, and a victim. We have a whole cast of characters meow! WEEE!!

And you never know, maybe there will be a surprise appearance by that Old Man Hawkeye or America Chavez!

 

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Kate Funny. Quinn Nerd.

Kate runs out of the computer lab, returning the jacket and ID that she stole from various people around the previous lab.

She arrives at the newspaper meeting that Mikka is scheduled to go to. Cause she’s like following her around, ya know?

She has reason to believe that the person who has been harrassing Mikka knows her, perhaps just follows her around. Kate spots a dude in the corner snapping pics almost immediately. He sees Kate staring at him and immediately bolts. BUT LYKE WHY? Only guilty people run away, I guess. If some rando girl saw ME stalking some other rando girl I would just shrug and be like oh this person caught me taking a picture of a stranger. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IS IT A CRIME? DONT THINK SO. NOT REALLY READ UP ON THE LAW THOUGH.

Kate attacks him by falling down from a tree right on top of him. HOORAY!

She cracks the 0000 PIN on his phone and finds some harassing emails to Mikka and several photos taking from her on his phone. He goin to jail.

As Kate pats herself on her back for doing such a good job, Mikka turns down a dark alley and gets stolen. So yeah Kate did not do a good job. Or maybe it was a good job, but it wasn’t a thorough job at any rate.

 

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STOP TURNING DOWN DARK ALLEYS!

 

 

Kate is my favorite.

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Hit-Girl #3

Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.

Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.

The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.

Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.

ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.

She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”

Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.

Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”

 

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Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.

Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”

Which is probably true.

Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”

So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!

 

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Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.

Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.

Mano is in a mood though.

Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL

Which is very true.

So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.

She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.

He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”

So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.

Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.

So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.

He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”

Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”

FAIR.

The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”

BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.

 

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She gets it.

So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.

This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.

 

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I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.

Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.

ANYWAYS.

Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.

 

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BABY!

 

 

So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.

Hit-Girl is dead.

She was only human after all.

JUST KIDDING.

She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.

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Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.

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So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????

Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.

She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.

But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

 

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No, I don’t.

YIKES

Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL L.

So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.

Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.

 

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Hello, Felicia.

She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.

Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.

The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”

And she’s all “yup.”

Bitch hadda good plan B.

They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.

I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.

So what’s next??

 

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EVERYONE.

EVERYONE IS NEXT.

YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.