In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!
Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!
Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.
Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!
Elizabeth Olsen recently spilled the beans on The Hollywood Reporter‘s Awards Chatter podcast!
I mean, this makes total sense considering she will play an important role in the Multiverse of Madness movie. Which will be about… moving through multiple universes.
But apparently, at the end of the final episode of WandaVision *SPOILERS* we can see her meditating. What she is doing is searching through Multiverses to find Tommy and Billy ðŸ˜
Damn telekinesis, chaos magic, reality warping, and now she can travel through universes? What the bitch can’t do?
I knew this wasn’t the last we would see of Tommy and Billy.
But I do have one question, if Wanda can travel through universes and find alternate versions of people, then can’t she find alternative versions of herself? And what version would that be okay to steal another Wanda’s babies. Da fuq? And who is to say that Tommy and Billy even exist in another universe at all? I guess if they do, let’s say there are limitless universes and 100 of them have Tommy and Billy’s. And in 99 of them they have parents, but in one they are orphans? I guess she could pluck them out of that timeline?
Am I thinking way too much into this??
Sorry whenever the podcast goes on hiatus I just can’t help but nerd out on here with my bullshit theories!
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment with your theories about Wanda and her universe traveling abilities.
Xoxo- Comic Book Bitch
For all of your comic book news, comic book resources, comic book updates, marvel news, marvel updates, scarlet witch theories, and WandaVision fan theories
I decided on recapping Cable this week, because this issue finally had the action we’ve been waiting for. Unlike in the X-Men comics where they just talk in a circle all day, Cable is out here doing the damn thing. And I’m talking about pubescent Cable here.
Our story begins with a partnership as old as time, Cable and Domino. Ah, young love.
Cable breaks the ice by asking her how her powers work, and she describes it like a cosmic event. Where all the asteroids just seems to line up in a certain way, and that’s her luck.
He’s counting on her luck, which caused him to follow her to Tokyo even though they’re after the clone of his older self, Stryfe and they have no proof that he would even think about going to Japan.
Cable: So we’re in Tokyo, because of your powers, right? We should be here?
Domino: What? No. I wanted Gyoza.
So they head to a spot that Domino likes and get some fucking dumplings.
How can either of you tell where the other one is looking?
Turns out, Domino is lucky because Cable wasn’t looking at her “that way” he was staring right past her head and checking out an old man Cable clone. The baby-napper in the flesh!
Cable jumps up and runs after him. Domino decides to steal a few moments to get her snack on.
My brain is telling me follow you, but my heart is saying “MAWR DUMPLINS”
Cable follows the clone through the restaurant and shoots at him while they’re in the kitchen, because restaurant workers aren’t people. No need to treat them like they deserve to live.
The baby-napper clone runs downstairs where he has some sort of secret underground hideaway and he shuts the high-tech door behind him and now Cable has nowhere to go.
Does anyone else think it’s weird that Stryfe has an underground hideaway below a dumpling shop? No? Just me. Well, fuck you, then.
After Cable shoots at the locked door a few times to no avail, he decides to walk over in front of it and cry about his life. As he is whining about how he can’t do anything right, when he literally wins everything, the high-tech door scans his retina and lets him right in.
Dummy, it’s your clone’s hideaway. Of course you can fucking get in.
Nathan and Baby-Napper have a conversation and it goes like this:
Cable: I’m pointing my gun at you!
BN: You’re dumb and you plan bad.
Cable: I’m so upset with myself and I constantly battle with inner demons.
BN: Uhk.
Cable: I’m a sad boi.
BN: I’m going to press this button
Cable: Don’t press it, I’ll shoot you.
BN: I’m gonna press it.
Cable: Don’t.
BN: I pressed it.
Then Cable shoots him and he dies. BUT all these tiny baby Cable clones come out. Okay they’re not baby-babies but they are young Cable clones. Just as cute.
LOOK AT ALL THE WITTLE BABY WUB WUBS!! (heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji)
Cable fights his clones, and also battles his inner demons, meanwhile, Domino walks in with dumplings hanging out of her mouth and stupidly asks “hrmrmrhshfm??”
Cops and superheroes don’t go to jail for killing people, Domino. Idiot.
She decides to take a breath and look up from her box of noodles and she pulls out her gun.
She shoots every clone except the one that yells “cease fire, I’m friendly!”
She stops and he walks over to her and he’s like “how did you know it was me?”
And she’s all, “I didn’t” Then she shoots him in the head.
And then I was like AHHH OMG. SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT CABLE!
You misunderstood me, Domino! Being a cop or superhero only works if you’re a man! Women get held accountable for ALL OF their actions!
Then ANOTHER Cable dusts his knees off and comes out of the woodwork and is like, “are you out of bullets?”
And Domino is like, “yeah, but even If I had one left, I probably wouldn’t shoot you, Real Cable Baby.”
Cable calls in a team to clean up the clone bodies, meanwhile Domino is like, hey there were 12 clones in here and I only shot 11. One got away.
They dip out and find this little fool real quick. Sticking out like a tall white boy in Japan as it were.
The clone knocks Cable and Domino down and then reveals his evil plan to return to Krakoa in Cable’s place.
Domino and Cable are both being psionically held down so they can’t stop him from killing them.
Luckily, remember that weird meteor thing I mentioned earlier?
Yeah. Well one of those things comes sailing out of the sky and right into clone Cable’s pretty little face.
That’s a meteor, bitch!
Cable then blames Domino, and Domino is like, shut up I didn’t kill him, a meteor did, dummy.
So Cable is back to having no leads because this clone’s head just randomly busted open.
Domino tells Cable to lose her number and dips out. Cable then texts his buddies about how he left a bunch of dead bodies in Japan, and they let him know that X-Factor is inbound to clean up his little messy. I don’t know how they got a hold of X-Factor tho, because last I heard they were down to three measly members on account of all of them getting totally whacked by Morrigan.
COOL RIGHT? But it’s not over! After our baby Cable story we get a little peek at what old man Cable is doing. He’s hunting some fuckers, hidden in a cape and carrying a big ass gun. That’s what Cable does best, hoes!
Cable walks in and tells his little robot buddy to wait outside.
He traipses in like he owns the place, but he notices a string on the ground, a booby trap. He’s too smart for that though and he walks right over it.
Unfortunately, right over that string is a giant hole.
So yeah, he gets immediately trapped in a pitfall.
I call this one: Cable falling into the abyss.
WHAT AN IDIOT!
What did you think about this issue? This Cable run is finally getting good huh?! I THINK SO!
PLUS WE GOT A DOMINO CAMEO!
WOW. WOW.WOW.
-Comic Book Betch
For all of your comic book updates, comic book reviews, comic book recaps, and comic book news.
Cover Artists: Giuseppe Camuncol and Erick Arciniega
This is basically a stroll through memory lane, but because I promised you, and I was so fucking hype for this issue. Here’s the recap, buddy!
So Morbius, living vampire. Yada yada.
This basically is his origin story reprinted. It is still in the style of the silver age of comic books. The art and dialogue is all very “of that age.” And the writer is 83 years old. SO!
I actually remember when Morbius was first introduced back in one of those old ass Amazing Spider-Man’s that I read in the Essential collection when I was like, 15? They all were so expositional with their dialogue. But, I guess that’s why that age won Silver, huh?
Crazy how he looked like a vampire BEFORE he looked like a vampire. Weird.
Morbius origin is tragic? I guess, he was a rich ass scientist who was boning some chick and taking a cruise on a yacht with her and his BFF, but he was dying from a blood disease, so I guess, that’s the tragedy. Luckily, he is a scientist so him and his bff came up with a “cure” but it ended up turning him into a living vampire (SPOILER!)
Oh and he killed his BFF, and instead of killing his GF next, he threw himself into the sea, but he decided, like, he can swim so he’s not going to drown.
Sorry Dood, bro code is over when I’m thirsty.
Later, a big ass ship comes to pick him up from the sea, and to repay them for their kindness he drinks their blood and kills them.
After killing his best friend and being rescued and killing everyone who saved him, he decides to check up on his BFF’s young son, who is dying of an incurable disease! FUN!!
He checks in on the kid, who has no family I guess because no one else is there, but makes sense cause his dad was murdered, and the kid is like “I wuv you Unckie Morbie.”
And Morbius is like, damn, I killed his dad but maybe I can save his life. So he heads over to Dr. Hyde’s place, and speaks with his alter ego Mr. Jekyll, who apparently has the cure for the kids disease. Morbius is like great I need it! But when he goes to the Doctor’s place he immediately attacks him!
I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS ASSAULT.
So Jekyll-Hyde guy is like, “sweet go get me my research books from the mental institution I used to live in, cause I’m fucking crazy and I’ll give you that cure, dummy.”
You know this is from back in the day, because there’s no insane asylum castles anymore.
Morbsey, gets the research, gets the vaccine, gives it to the kid, kid immediately dies, (insert anti-vaxxer joke here)
Now Morbius has killed his BFF and his fucking son, but before he kills him, Morbius confesses to the kid that he killed his father and the son forgives him. Then he dies. Then a nurse comes in and is like “that guy must have killed him” pointing to Morbius, and she is correct!
After the kid dies, Morbius returns to beat the shit out of Hyde, who now that he has research back, has become a giant monster and is like “I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”
So they fight, and Morbsey bites him, which weakens Hyde, and eventually turns him back into the sniveling little doctor from before.
Oh really, Morbsey? You expect people to take you seriously with that side part? HA! I don’t think so.
The normal version of Hyde is like, “yeah I gave you a vaccine that I knew would kill the kid, but I just want to be that big dude, Hyde.”
And then Morbius is like, “why he’s ugly.”
And then the doctor is like, “ew, you’re rude.”
And then he passes out, and then Morbsey is like, “You’ll survive this, because I don’t kill everyone, just innocent people…Wait-“
The point is, he’s trying to be good, but he can’t be good, because he gets hungry and when he gets hungry he’s usually around innocent people. And also Marvel can’t afford to come up with new villains all the time, so he can’t be Dexter-ing them every fucking month.
Well that was it!
Thank you for joining me today, friend!
If you liked what you read please leave a comment below and follow me on the Twitter: IlsaTheJoe.
Are you over Knull and his league of Symbiote dragons?
Well, I’m not!
This brings me to my wonderful recap, Queen in Black : Black Cat #2!
So the jist of issue #1 is this: Black Cat and friends were in the middle of a heist when Knull and the symbiotes attacked. The Avengers showed up but they couldn’t do shit, the most they could do was tell Felicia that she needs to save Doctor Strange because he’s the only hope in all of this mess. Captain America gave her this package that Doctor Strange needs to stop the symbiote and if she can deliver the package to Doctor Strange then he can save the world. Problem is, Doctor Strange is currently locked up in a symbiote goo prison on top of the Chrysler building.
Isn’t it lucky that my suit tore in THESE exact spots!?
Felicia and the boys meet up with symbiote expert Dr. Steve and the good doctor gives Felicia a prototype anti-venom suit. He had been working on these suits since before the invasion as he was warned in advance. LIKELY FUCKING STORY. Anyways it’s a combination of anti-venom serum and the lobotomized symbiote from the Absolute Carnage series.
Dr. Steve warns Felicia that the suits will basically dissolve at some point and the odds of her finding Dr. Strange in the symbiote goo faster than the suits will die off is slim to none.
However, Felicia knows a guy.
Dogs don’t play chess, they play poker. What an idiot.
With the suit, and a ghost dog, this mission is ready to begin. Felicia’s army of nerds gets her Goblin’s hovercraft to ride to the top of the Chrysler building and it looks pretty badass, I have to say.
Wouldn’t your feet just slip out of the back? What’s the point of those straps?
They make it to the goo prison and Felicia jumps off the aircraft and throws her ball of anti-symbiote suit-suit like a Pokeball and it’s binds to her, but she says it feels weird because it’s crawling all over her. BITCH, IT’S A LIVE SUIT. WHAT DID YOU THINK? You literally have alien organisms attaching to your body rn.
Look! There’s a black cat on her chest! AWWWW what a cute spot for a kitty.
Felicia and Bats, the ghost dog, land inside the goo ball, and although Felicia can breathe thanks to her suit, she can’t see anything. So how tf she gon’ get to the Doctahh? Luckily, Bats is like “hey hoe, I found him.”
She follows Bats through the goo and all the while she is just talking shit about symbiotes and how much she hates Eddie Brock and it’s all his fault, blah blah blah.
Just as Felicia’s suit is about to fail her and she starts wheezing for breath, they find Doctor Strange and she throws the Pokeball- er, I mean the anti-venom, er, anti-symbiote, NO! the SYMBIWON’T. hahhahaha. good one, betch. Anyways she throws that ball and the suit envelops Doctor Strange.
GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!
Bats leads them out of the goo and they fall from the sky, luckily Felicia’s nerds have the Spider-Man buggy and they drive up a wall to pick her up.
Here grab this pole I barely have a grip on. That should be fine for you and the large man you’re carrying.
One of Felicia’s nerds, Bruno is tasked with driving the buggy out of harm’s way, meanwhile the other nerd, Doc, his job is to wake up Doctor Strange. Black Cat creates the distraction by throwing bombs around, making light blasts, because symbiotes like the dark. Little known factoid for you all.
Felicia thinks and thinks in these black boxes throughout the chase scene about how they’re all just lowly thieves and caught up in a crazy mess and she just wants to steal, etc. Then this crazy ass mother fucker, Bruno, drives the little buggy off a building and they crash.
Spoiler alert: Everyone survives.
They regroup and their conversation goes like this:
Bruno: Hey, the buggy is dunzo.
Felicia: well that sucks cause if you look in this panel, there’s about a million symbiote dragons heading this way.
Doc: Panel, what are you-
Felicia: This package, you know the one that Comic Book Betch mentioned earlier? With the magic wand in it? We were supposed to deliver this to Doctor Strange so he can win.
Doc: Yeah, but why are you being so expositional right now? Who the hell is Comic Book Betch? You could just say “the wand” or the “package.”
Felicia: Shut up, Doc. Anyways, why don’t I just use it?
Bats: That’s a horrible idea. You don’t know what it does, also it’s magic and you’re not magic.
Doc: Yeah that’s a bad idea, you could die. Please don’t do it.
Bruno: Don’t do it, Felicia.
Felicia: ….
Bats: ?
Doc: ?
Bruno: ?
Felicia: I did it.
It looks like Doctor Strange’s collar is tiny arms and he is waving them around like ‘YAS QUEEN’
Turns out it was an Asgardian wand and it gave her a fucking GODDESS outfit. It even braided a piece of her hair! OMG.
DAMN. The whole ride from beginning to end was a 10/10 FOR ME DAWG!
I was not expecting this ending, and I am fully in support of an Asgardian Black Cat Goddess.
What do you hoes think? Sound off in the comments.
Where else would they put all the resurrected bodies! This one is a hoot!
Wow. Welcome back to Comic Book Betch, nerds!
Today we are taking on X-Factor #6! I wanted to recap something from Future State by DC this week, but, although I didn’t think Future State was bad it was kinda just expositional, PLUS I just really love making fun of X-Men.
Writer: Leah Williams, penciller: David Baldeón
LEGGO
As we know, Mutants can be resurrected, SO the X-Factor is here to investigate when, how, and who killed these resurrected mutants! Cause when people who come back to life die, we should care! That’s the team motto anyway! The team is lead by Northstar, and the book stars Prestige, Polaris, Prodigy, Eye-Boy, and Daken. They got more P’s than Pippi Longstocking. Wait, no they don’t. They have AS MANY P’s.
Oh yeah. And Northstar’s husband, Kyle is here.
I digress. Issue #6 begins with everybody just flirting with each other and then Lorna AKA Polaris gets a call from an unknown number. The person on the phone wants to talk to Northstar, which is rude as hell. Why would you call Lorna if you really wanted to talk to Northstar. DA FUQ? What a waste of my time. SMDH.
Northstar tells the mystery person on the phone that the squad will be right there. And then they are at a scene of a crime! A death crime! The death of Siryn! Everyone is really unimpressed that she is dead again, because she just died like a week ago. PSHT. Gawd, give us some drama and kill Emma Frost or Wolverine or something. Geeze. You know what would be more fun? Mutants who can’t be resurrected. Then the murders are like more-fun murders! Cause they’re real!
Daken’s head looks like a thumb with a top hat.
It’s a crime scene so there is a detective asking questions and constables with adorable accents because it’s the UK. There is also a scientist collecting samples from the body. Daken decides to stab this woman stating that “we don’t authorize samples.”
Where is your mask, Daken! It’s a fucking pandemic!
So the scientist is freaked out because Daken tried to stab her, so she’s like “I was collecting evidence for you, mongrels. Yeah, I know what Daken means. I’m a learned person, bitch.”
Eye-Boy decides to check out these samples because he wants to know what or who killed Siryn! AGAIN! And he has all these eyes so he can see a lot of stuffs.
Meanwhile one of the constables is being a jackass and is really creeped out by Eye-Boy’s eyes and thinks the kids are dummies. Which they are not proving not to be considering Daken has now started sniffing the body and a baby shark just jumped onto the scene causing the CSI tech to pass out. .
Maybe that’s a shark, maybe it’s not. Either way it’s a monster.
Meanwhile, Lorna has snuck off to brood. Northstar interrupts her brooding by calling her out for brooding. They have a quick convo that goes like this:
Lorna: Siryn is supposed to be my friend. Why is she dying all the time and not knowing who did it?!
Northstar: Cause she’s a bitch.
Lorna: So I should hate her forever?
Northstar: No she’s probably lying to protect you because she loves you and you’re her friend.
Lorna: Oh. Okay, then I love her again. BYE!
Lorna Exits/ Daken Enters
Daken: Do you actually believe all the croc of shit you just told her?
Northstar: No.
….
Northstar: Hey can you do me a favesies?
Daken: Yeah, if you don’t call it that.
Northstar: Track Siryn and see what’s really going on.
Daken: What if she dies again?
Northstar: Don’t interfere, just laugh at her for a while, and then report back here.
Daken: With pleasure.
Next, Prodigy decides he wants to learn about autopsies so he follows Rachel Summers AKA Prestige to the Magical Dead Body Gardens to learn all about it!
Syrin throws a cop for some reason. I guess because he was being kind of a turd earlier.
Ya Bloody Dibble!
Next, the British Cop calls mutant’s scum, so Daken gets his claws out and the detective lady tells her cop to be nice to the insane mutants that can’t keep their cool over a few slurs from a weird, old, fat guy. Imagine if black people or Native Americans or hispanic people lost their shit every time a weird, old, fat guy called them a racial slur or told them to go back to their own country? Black people don’t have to say ANYTHING and they get shot in the head. Being a minority mutant is the tits.
After they assault some cops, they continue on their merry way just talking mad shit about the police. Right on.
Meanwhile Dr. Reyes is doing an autopsy on Siryn’s body, Prodigy is standing creepily behind her just seeping up her knowledge, then decides to be even creepier and ask if he can keep the body “for science purposes.” Yeah, like we haven’t heard that one before.
Damn he just LOOKS like a serial killer.
So Dr. Reyes is like “yeah that’s fine take the cadavers. Bring them to your Hanging Garden. Everyone in your group will love that. Don’t even ask them first. Just stuff the whole place with bodies. It will be fun!”
Unfortunately, Northstar doesn’t like it, but he gets over it…not without coming off like a sexy Zaddy first, though.
Yeah Kyle, we get it, your husband is hot.
Next up, everyone is yelling at Siryn calling her a dumb hoe and shit because she fell off a cliff and died when she can fly.
You know what, maybe she just wanted to come back and hang out with the X-Factor! Did anyone think about that!?
Lemme break down the following conversation for ya’ll:
Siryn: I was drunk so I fell off a cliff. Big deal.
Northstar: But it was at Krokoa’s highest point, how did you get up there if you were drunk?
Siryn: Maybe I got drunk after I was already up there. DUH.
Northstar: MMMHHHMMM.
So Siryn is all angry and she storms out and then all of the X-Factor are like “we have powers that discern liars and we all know that she is lying.”
Lorna chases Siryn out to talk to her because they’re besties, and she’s probably really upset that Siryn didn’t invite Lorna to bevies with the girls where she fell off the cliff and wants to confront her about it. They bicker back and forth, and then Siryn is UP TO IT with her and decides to hypnotize Lorna into leaving her alone. AND she adds that Lorna has to sabotage every attempt that the X-Factor makes to solve her mystery death.
Why is her hair so long in this scene?
I guess Siryn is bad now? And Lorna is going to aggressively attack her friends now because she was hypnotized, which happens to her a lot. Like, they’re probably going to figure out that she was hypnotized right away, right? Just cause that’s her thing? Anyways, idk. We just have to wait and see what happens in #7!!
Great story overall. Man I love X-Men and the X-Men knock-offs. They are absolutely a bat-shit group of individuals.
It’s X-Men #16 recap time! I’m sure you are all still on the edge of your seat’s from last month’s X-Men #15 recap, this one is a lot less intense! If you consider taking a really long time to pick your kid up from the playground intense.
Written by Jonathan Hickman
Cover Art by Leinil Francis Yu
Penciller Phil Noto
In the last issue Jean and Cyclops had to convince the Quiet Council of letting them pick up their son from the Otherworld. In the end the council said no you can’t and they were like whatever, bye.
It seems that the story was continued in another comic’s storyline, but it wasn’t Cable’s so I have no idea what happened between then and now, but I will tell you that Jean and Cyclops are now with their son Cable and Cable isn’t being a baby backed bitch anymore who doesn’t know how to kill bitches like what happened in Cable #6 when he started crying.
Apparently the two islands that the two mutant groups live on, Arrako and where our heroes live, Krakoa, are divorced, but the islands are thinking about getting back together and becoming one land like they used to be, OKKKUUURRAAA
All Hail Bardi Cardi
So what needs to happen is these two islands need to fall in love again so that they can combine, but nobody really knows how to make that happen so they’re just trying to figure that shit out at this point.
Does this hood make me look stupid? NM don’t answer that.
Meanwhile, Cypher, a mutant who is merged with Krakoa and acts as his translator, decides to meet with the other island in the middle of the water, and they would just be big trees having a talk about how to split the kids up.
You look…nice. New trimmings?
It does not go well. Cypher returns to the Quiet Council letting them know that the trees are still not into each other therefore the islands ain’t gonna merge. He says it’s because the mutants on Arakko are weirdos and speak a different language and there are also twice as many mutants on that island than this one. They are more barbaric I think is where he is going with this but we shall see.
WHO SAID THAT!? DID THAT EMPTY CHAIR SAY THAT?! IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING VOICES?!
Later on Arakko, a woman representative of Arakko, who is wearing a cooler suit than even Iron Man has ever debuted and wearing the colors no less, has a discussion with Magneto and Charles. Their conversation goes like this:
Gold Chick: Your man-child friend, the one who is married to that bad bitch from my island, Bei, he said we’re going to remain two islands.
Charles: Yeah. That is Cypher. The man-child you speak of.
Gold Chick: I don’t care. What’s that in your hand?
Magneto: This is a flower for you. So that you can come and go to each island as you please.
Gold Chick: Flower? I can tell right now you two are bitch boys. Tell me what you got going on over there on Krakoa.
Magneto: We have a quiet council.
Gold Chick: It’s a child’s society. We have been around for thousands of years what the hell do you expect us to do with your play pretend circle of man-children?
Charles: We would like to work together and form some sort of working relationship.
Gold Chick: We are war bitches. We kill everyone. It’s a wonder I haven’t killed you now. And I didn’t mainly because when you got here I was killing something else. SO!
Charles: Can you still take our unity offer to your ruler?
Gold Chick: I will, but you’re still little bitches.
Magneto: Haha she called you-
Gold Chick: No! Both of you!
So, so she doesn’t want these flowers?
SO THAT WENT WELL.
Charles thinks that they need to prepare in case the Arakko come after them now so they need to fill some seats on the council. Magneto asks Jean and Cyclops to fill the empty council seats and they are like “Um, no.” And Magneto is all “wtf? Why not?” And they’re all “We want to lead the X-Men WAAH WAHHH WAHH”
Magneto: God you guys look stupid in those clothes. Do I look as dumb as you?
Charles asks them if he can talk them out of it and Jean and Cyclops say no. So Magneto says, so who is on your team? And they kind of look at each other like they each smelled a fart but are too polite to point it out for fear of embarrassing the culprit which Is obviously one of the two old geezers in the room. And then Magneto is like, “who is on your team idiots?” And they are like “Dunno. Since the X-Men is created to fight for the people we were thinking we would have the people choose.” Then Magneto is like, but people are famously dumb. You know who got elected to office in America in 2016? And Cyclops is like “we know, but we want to have a vote anyway.”
So there you have it folks. The first election on Krakoa. I can’t wait to see the campaigns these nerds come up with to make it on to the X-Men team.
This is my cool gang sign for the X-Men. You, like, you put your arms, like you cross them, but you poke your fists out and you go “UNGH” and it’s like an X, but it’s bad ass cause it’s your fists. Chyeah.
All jokes aside this seems like a fun and creative way for the writers to show some butt-kicking and heartfelt scenes exactly they way they want to show them. Total and complete creative control.
SMDH. So I suggest you read that recap ^^^ because I’m not doing a summation.
Written by Christopher Cantwell, and art by Cafu. We’ve got a good one tonight ladies. I’m just going to start calling you all ladies even though that’s inappropriate. But isn’t GUYS inappropriate too?! I’m changing the rules.
God I love this comic book. There is something so soothing about a man recognizing his own privilege and a bad bitch who is around to pretty much slam everything he once knew into the cold, hard, gritty ground. Hellcat is my hero.
So turns out that Hellcat survived that entire ordeal back at Kovacs place minus a huge lightning shaped burn on her face, (Harry-Potter lookin’ ass) but in retaliation Kovac decided to kidnap James Rhodes, so he’s now using Rhodey to lure Tony to him.
Hellcat and Tony have a conversation about this and it goes exactly like this:
Hellcat: Is this Kovac guy smarter than you?
Tony: He’s one of the Intellectual Masters of the Universe, so no.
Hellcat: Okay humble.
Tony: You seem upset. Is it because you have a huge ugly wound on your face?
Hellcat: Well I’m being hunted and this wound hurts like hell.
Tony: I’m sure we can call Reed Richards so it doesn’t scar?
Hellcat: Do you seriously think I’m worried about my looks right now when my life is in danger? You fucking, bitch.
Tony: I’m just saying, it doesn’t look bad!
Hellcat: -_-
Guess what? I’m still hot. Like that wolf-girl from Twilight: New Moon.
Anyways, then Hell Cat is like I’ve been hearing voices in my head, no she doesn’t say that. She should say it, but she doesn’t. Instead she says she feels fuzzy. Aw, cute.
Apparently, Kovac is a former cosmic entity turned android-with-lightning-powers.
So they’re arguing a bunch and it’s a lot of panels that look like this,
And Also I’m hearing voices in my head. Shut up! I didn’t say that! Nooo, you’re crazy!
Then of course arguing leads to banging! Sure, I’ll buy that.
I told you the wound didn’t look THAT bad. Would I sleep with a girl I thought was ugly? Maybe. But this time, no.
Meanwhile back at the villains den, they’re trying to mind-control Rhodey but he’s too freaking zen.
Kovac reveals his plan and that is to transfigure in the middle of New York City so that people can bare witness to his prophecy or some shit. But first he needs to tie up some loose ends including Hellcat and Iron Man.
Speaking of our heroes, now that they have gotten their sleeping together scene out of the way they’re having some nice pillow talk.
Tony is talking into the ether as men are want to do, and he notices that Hellcat isn’t paying attention. She reveals that she can hear Kovac in her head. Tony is like “are you sure?” Cause men never believe women. And she’s like “Yeah, mother fucker. It’s been happening since Oklahoma* (last issue) and since I was pathological before I know the difference. Ugh.”
So, now Kovac is ready to transform or whatever and his merry band of bandits are protecting his ass.
Psionic blast? That sounds fun!
All of his bandits are super scared that they’re going to kill their leader because they are essentially giving him the electric chair, and he kind of blasts out with this lightning energy and probably no one would survive that, but since he is a cosmic entity, you know, and it’s only issue #4, I assume he’s going to make it.
How can he speak with all that lightning coming out of this mouth?
Meanwhile, Tony and Patsy are on their way to Halcyon to get him to help them. Very undercover because they both are dressed like slobs. Anyways, Patsy gets a psionic nudge or something and she falls to the ground screaming. Drama.
Anything for attention.
So these two look into the sky and something crazy is happening, like this dude getting all powerful is happening, that’s what I meant. Yeah. Anyways, so luckily Hellcat can hear his head or whatever because she says they’re going to TAA II. And Tony is like “That’s Galactus’ ship.” And she’s like “yup, that’s what I said.”
Tony and Patsy find Halcyon and the convo goes like this.
Halcyon: I don’t race in the dark (I’m signing this BTW)
Tony: It’s me Iron Man, I need your help.
Halcyon: Nah.
Tony: Please? Just find these second-rate heroes that I can bring up into the main issues, because they’re probably going to get their own series on Disney+ or like enter the MCU and people need to know about them now and I’m the only star who can make this happen.
Halcyon: I’m a math major at Columbia.
Hellcat: *Suddenly engulfed in lightning and floating above everyone* Don’t try to stop me, Stark! (this is Kovac, btw, not Hellcat. wink)
Tony: Yeah, obviously. Is she really mansplaining to me now?
Halcyon: That’s a man talking through her body.
Tony: Oh, right.
So then Patsy destroys a car by them and Tony is like “Hey stop that!”
Meanwhile, Halcyon is coming up with a plan while Hellcat destroys shit and Tony yells from the ground to stop. He hits a fire hydrant with a chrome rim that might have bursted out from that car she just destroyed, anyways, that blast of water knocks her down and Tony is so impressed he asks Halcyon to join the team!! HOW INCLUSIVE!
Wow, a guy who never gets nervous as a super power? I honestly want that power. How helpful in just your normal day to day life? Damn.
TO BE CONTINUED BUM BUM BUHHH!!!
What did you think of this issue? More importantly what did you think of this recap? Are we impressed with Tony’s journey? Who do you think will be recruited for Tony’s second-string league of heroes!???
Strap in and get ready to be suffocated to death between the Black Widow’s thighs because we’ve got a thriller coming up!
Written by one of my favorites, Kelly Thompson and art by Elena Casagrande, it’s a lady book for ladies. Yay!
It’s harder for me to make fun of women writers because they aren’t condescending misogynists. But let’s have fun anyway!
Here’s a quick recap of what you’ve missed! Natasha Romanoff has been given fake memories and a fake life by her enemies. Cause her enemies are EXTRA AF and don’t want to just kill her (or they can’t) so they just put her out of commission by giving her a husband and a baby, which is the easiest way to put a woman out of commission btw, so V smart of them. Anyways, Natasha’s besties are watching over her because obviously, this shit ain’t real, but they don’t want to spook her so they’re just creeping around at the moment.
ALSO one of her enemies sent Invaders after her, and Natasha murdered them all and now she’s passed out and her husband is like “wake up, hon.”
Nat, um, can we talk about this haircut?
So, turns out the group of villains after Natasha put a detonator in her brain and they set it off to kill her, but she didn’t die. NORMAL. And now we’re in Arcade’s control room and the villains are arguing amongst themselves for being bad at their jobs. Seriously, villains are SO bad at their jobs. The literal worst. They don’t get away with anything.
They’re shaking in their boots, but they decide to team up and kill Black Widow once and for all. HA. Good luck weirdos. It’s literally Arcade, Madame Hydra, and two people who don’t even count as super villains. You know what? I’m going to call this now and say they lose.
Do you guys think…it’s kinda dark in here?
Madame Hydra and the villains are like she survived oh no! WE have to kill her. Madame Hydra is like alright let’s come up with a plan, I’ll send in her army of Bobs to buy us some time. So the Bobs are dispatched after Natasha and her family. So, Natasha is like “Okay, husband and baby, don’t move until I tell you. It’s the only way we’ll live.”
Then she ninja the fucks out of these Bobs.
She loves that move where she sticks her Vag in their face.
More ninja kicks, she literally beats up about 20 of these Bobs, shooting them in the head or just throwing her Vagina in their noses, and she leaves her kid and husband behind in the room. LUCKILY her old pal Yelena is there to save them.
Yelena, Natasha, James, and baby Stevie head over to a safe house.
Her husband James is like “what is going on, Natalie?”
And they’re conversation goes like this:
Nat: Stop calling me Natalie, you idiot. My names Natasha Romanoff and I’m the fucking Black Widow.
James: Uh, what?
Nat: Sorry, sweetie. We got kidnapped by Madame Hydra and her agents. They took us to a lab for four weeks, there they implanted us with fake memories, a fake relationship, and they even created Stevie in a tube out of both of us! So, he’s actually our baby.
James: I wonder what the Republicans have to say about that one!
Yelena: Probably, All Lives Matter.
Nat: ZING! Good one, Yelena.
“Redheaded trouble” What? Is that a thing?
Nat: So anyways, I don’t think Hydra and Viper were working alone, cause a lot of people want me dead. I just think this, I didn’t read it in the page before us. Oh, and the last few weeks between us have been real, so we’re in love.
James: Sweet, yeah I’m in love. This is great.
Nat: Yeah, so we have to break up.
James: No, we’re in love that’s crazy.
Nat: And you have to take the kid.
James: Ummm-
*Hawkeye and Winter Soldier show up*
Hawkeye: Well, this is awkward.
Nat: Hey my friends are here! Fun!
So a few hours later, James decides to accept the fact that his wife isn’t his wife and he is now a single father. Black Widow and her friends are trying to come up with an idea to win this battle. But Stevie is tired so Nat and James go to put him down, and it’s really sad and sweet.
Nothing could go wrong at nap time!
Natasha walks away from James and Stevie as they rest, but then it turn out they were found out and there is a sniper aiming right for them.
What are you doing to me, Kelly!? You want me to cry while reading a comic book! You monster!
Kelly Thompson is a literal monster and she wants all of us to have nightmares!
I don’t know what to say. When I decided to recap this I thought it would be lighthearted and fun! Just some good old kicking ass and maybe some one-liners from Hawkeye! Turns out a baby gets murdered! WHAT THE FUCK, KELLY?
Comic Book Bitch 