Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

SABRETOOTH HAS THE BABY!

This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

OH MY GOD THIS COMIC BOOK IS BAD ASS.

So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.

Respect.

 

STAR*LORD #1

This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.

Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.

Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.

She literally walked in and kicked him in the shin. WTF. This bitch cray

So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.

breathe, dude

Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.

I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.

So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.

He’s so wittle

MEANWHILE

At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!

Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.

See they both don’t feel welcome on this Earth. BEST FRIENDS

Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.

I have the same pair; they’re from Zara.

Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.

Adorbs

Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.

Aaaaannddd he gets arrested.  The end.

INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!

This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.

lil bub

Generations: The Archers #1

Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.

I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.

This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.

So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.

BFFLs

Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.

The retired suit of Hawkeye sponsored by Hello Kitty.

So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.

So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.

Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.

So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.

The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.

Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company.  Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.

They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.

Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.

Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.

HE’S A HERO!!

The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”

Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.

Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.

Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.

I would say the whole ensemble is a mistake.

Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”

The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!

Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.

Bullseye. Did you guess that?

Y’think?!!! What an Asshat this blue-haired chick is

Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.

Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.

Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.

They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.

Nothing makes sense.

But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.

I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.

 

Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe AGAIN!!?

If it worked the first time around, then it will probably work the second time around, right? This is just the rehashing of the same idea. No work was done here. But let’s see for ourselves, shall we?

The cover art has Deadpool holding up paper dolls that are colored in so they look like different heroes…Iron Fist, Captain America, Spider-Man, Wolverine, and the Punisher is there too and he’s about to get his paper head chopped off by a pair of scissors Deadpool is holding. WHO THINKS OF THIS STUFF? GENIUSES.

The story begins with Gambit laying on a table, white faced, full of blood and with a sword sticking right through him. There are two detectives speaking out of page about his death. From the context of their conversation one of the people investigating this crime is an X-Man.

In the next scene Deadpool and some X-Men, who are technically the Avengers, are fighting M.O.D.O.K. Wow that was really annoying to type. He should delete some of those periods from his name. Anyways Deadpool freezes mid-fight into some sort of trance while M.O.D.O.K claims that Deadpool is under his control. But he murders him, and then goes on to murder all of his teammates…accidentally. He’s all mind-controlled or something and thinks his teammates are actually his enemies. Oops. THere also seems to be a printing mistake in my book. Anyone elses book have this? It’s supposed to be a continued scene spread over two pages but they make it front to back. Makes little to no sense. Maybe this book will get recalled or something and I’ll be the owner of some editor’s fuck-up that is eventually worth $100,000 … or like $1,000,000 because inflation and the future. YAY IM RICH!

Wow. This is intense.

So lots of heroes are dead and everyone is whining about it and they’re calling him “a serial killer.” And he murdered a bunch of people and he left a calling card of his symbol emblazoned on the floor, so he definitely fits the profile. I think they have their first suspect. Oh I should probably mention the B-list characters who are hunting him are The Punisher, Kate Bishop, Misty Knight, Jessica Jones, Cable and Moon Knight. AMAZING DETECTIVE WORK.

Deadpool is back home…or his airbnb…idk where he is. He’s having more illusions…like getting a special assignment from Nick Fury.

Meanwhile over at the Aegean Sea, a bunch of Gods and Demi-Gods have gathered together in a group like a bunch of sheep waiting to get eaten by a wolf.

And the wolf appears in a toga, he plays a little volleyball- but oh no that is not a volleyball it’s actually medusa’s head and he accidentally or on purpose turns everyone to stone. 

Goodnight Thor n friends 🙂

The group of B-list detectives break into Deadpool’s stinky Airbnb and look for clues. They find a book full of files on the weaknesses of superheroes, and immediately know that’s our guy. However, Jessica finds a note from Deadpool that spells out “Help Me” in noodles. COINCIDENCE?! Jessica does not think so. Someone is controlling Deadpool and forcing him to murder all the heroes. YIKES

And if you turn the page, which I did, I found out that Deadpool is UNDER someone else’s control. AND if you turn that page you find out who it is!

Lovely! Can’t wait until Issue #2 when he murders Spider-Man!

What did you guys think of this one? How does it differ from the other Deadpool kills the Marvel Universe? And has anyone picked up Squirrel Girl beats up the marvel universe?

Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man!!

I LOVE SPIDER-MAN. I always have and I always will. Wanna fight about it?

I remember when the first Spectacular Spider-Man came out, well I don’t actually remember it because it was in the 1970s…but I remember buying the reprinted volumes!

If you’re not reading The Amazing Spider-Man like I’m not then you have no idea what’s going on with this guy. Apparently he’s the same old Peter we love yet he has slightly more powers. I don’t know what those are because I didn’t read the Amazing Spider-Man, but I did read “The Other” several years ago and the powers he got from his rebirth were amazing, but he lost them and now he’s got new ones. IDK. KEEP UP! So now he has even more “great responsibility” at least that’s what he told The Human Torch, his best friend, on the roof of some random building in NYC before he hugged HT and told him he loved him. Then they planned to go to the movies at 7:30 that night. Fucking beautiful.

Forbidden love

So Pete’s really having a bear of a time being a legit superhero and saving the world and he just wants to get back to his roots of stopping petty thieves on the streets of New York City. He doesn’t have to look far for a street robbery and immediately jumps in to save a lady from being robbed. Unfortunately his handy web cartridges crap out on him and he almost gets shot in the face but luckily he is saved by the incredible shrinking Ant-Man.

Not being able to save her life doesn’t bother the lady it seems because she still hands Spider-Man her card and asks him on a date while Ant-Man, who actually saved her, just looks on being very short. Because he has helmet problems. You need to know that for later. Oh and the lady’s name is Rebecca London. WOW. COOL.

ANYWAYS… Ant-Man invites Peter to come with him to “The Mason” so they can get their gear fixed together. Man Date.

Do you see how they look at each other?

Peter has never heard of “The Mason” which apparently is very weird because all the superheroes know about him. Rude.

He’s the Tinkerer’s brother, so maybe that’s why no one told Peter? Because The tinkerer is one of Spider-Man’s enemies? I can’t think of one reason why else EVERYONE knows about this guy except Spider-Man.

Oh totally forgot to mention that Peter picked up an unbreakable cell phone at the scene of the earlier robbery, so he shows it to the Mason’s attendant so he can help him find a hacker. The information they find out about another hacked cell phone leads Peter to Chicago, and to call the lady he saved earlier. Apparently calling a girl 8 hours after she gives you her number is a bad idea according to these editors. They said you should wait at least a day and to text not call… as a girl, I do not agree. If I gave you my number you better use it and quick. The window of interest shuts fast.

Spider-Man finds the house of the Stark hacker and ya know, threatens to arrest whoever is inside immediately. Not very stealth but when you have a Spider-sense I guess you don’t need to be stealthy. After Spidey makes his threat he is immediately blown up and confronted by Ironheart, the apparent hacker.

It’s 7:39 and Peter is in Chicago, a long ways away from his date with the Human Torch. Poor Torchy is waiting for his pal outside of Pete’s apartment, but instead of finding Peter he finds his sister. No, not Johnny Storm’s sister, Peter’s sister. YUP.

OOOOKKKKAAAYY that was pretty good. Lots of big shot characters making appearances in his first Spectacular issue, but wait it’s not over yet! There is a bonus story at the end.

I like these short stories, they’re always so deep. In this case it’s not deep though, it’s more like a teaser after the end of one of the Marvel movies of what’s to come. And what’s to come gives me MASSIVE amounts of anxiety.  LIKE MASSIVE. I don’t know if you get it, but I have real feelings about this. So here’s what happens, Black Widow fights Spider-Man and uses a device to follow his every move and spidey-sense, once she gathers all the info she needs on his spider-sense she hands it over, somewhat unwillingly, to a sleezy SHIELD agent. NOW ALL THE SHIELD AGENTS WILL HAVE SPIDEY SENSE. NOT COOL. After that I imagine she goes home to take a long hot shower to wash off the shame.
SHAME!

Inhumans #1

When I came across this Inhumans #1 in the comic book shop I couldn’t decide If I wanted to buy it and cover it or not. Then I got to thinking that after reading all of those X-Men comics, I was pretty interested in what the Inhumans were all about, so I bypassed the batwoman I was going to pick up (I went back) and instead (as well) got this comic. The cover is bad-ass and slightly overwhelming. I’ve said before that I like a solo comic book, these superhero group comics and the comics that have too many cross-over arcs stress me out. So picking up this comic book I knew I was getting myself into something deep that I may not be able to pick myself out of. Since…ummm it’s both. And I knew I was getting myself into both cause there’s like 500 inhumans on the cover of this thing. How much time was spent on JUST THIS COVER?! And also, who the heck are these people?!

One thing you should know if you are going to pick up a comic book with characters that have been around for years and you know nothing about them, then it is a good rule of thumb to have your computer out and google up to find out what got these characters in this situation and why they are the way that they are. Having said that, I did not google a gosh darn thing.  SO THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

So, based on my own readings and general knowledge…WHAT HAD HAPPEN WUZZ The X-Men went to war with the Inhumans over “Terrigen.” Terrigen gives the Inhumans their powers, but it is toxic to Mutants. So the mutants decided to beat up the Inhumans and after all these battles, The Queen Medusa of the Inhumans destroyed the “Terrigen Cloud” because they lost. The mutants and the Inhumans are going to rebuild this Terrigen together as long as it is controlled and does not affect the mutants. Because Marvel doesn’t want us to forget that the X-Men are the good guys, but they also needed a way to introduce Inhumans back into the mainstream comic book world for a dollar. Wow, what did I consume today? Petty with a side of shade it seems…

So anyways, we begin our story with this hot guy in a towel listening to the news about the Inhumans and mutant war. Apparently he’s an inhuman from another reality, obv, and he knows what Terrigen is and apparently the Inhumans do not. Therefore…I have no idea. But this comic named Inhumans Prime. PRIME! SO IT’S GOTTA BE GOOD.

Some of these inhumans are very alien looking and then some are human-looking. Since all humans look basically alike wouldn’t you think that Aliens would too? I always wondered that. Like when there are “aliens” none of them look at all alike. Some of them have tails, some have tentacles, some have horns. Wouldn’t you all have tails and just be different skin tones and eye colors and varying weights and heights? I DON’T GET IT.

Anyways, Maximus is leading a group of rag-tag rebels around the Grand Canyon. AND THERE ARE NO TOURISTS. UNREALISTIC!

Karnak has shown up to take Maximus and Triton, a merman(???), home. A fight ensues, and Karnak beats Triton to get them home, but Maximus has some Terrigen up his sleeve, which he feeds to the “Terrigen eater” he lovingly, calls “Farty.” This Terrigen eater can become anything he wants after consuming Terrigen so he decides to become this giant alien ox thing with extra arms and a trendy septum piercing.

The fight however, never even has a chance to turn into Farty Ox’s favor because right behind him are a group of inhumans coming to kick his ass.

He takes down, like maybe, two inhumans? And then he just turns back into the old farty man he was before. This dude was a part of Maximus’ squad, so after he gets taken down, Maximus is about ready to fight, but a tiny, angsty teen-psychic teleports over with Lockjaw and cancels his powers out. To which he basically shrugs and then gets sent to jail. So cheeky this guy. I like it.

Later….DRAMAAAA.

Black Bolt, Maximus’ brother, decides to visit Maximus in jail and stare at him menacingly while Maximus brings up everything Black Bolt has ever done wrong. And the most upsetting thing about that is, Black Bolt has this weird tick where if he speaks up for himself he destroys entire populations. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?! Poor Black Bolt just has to take the jabs from his brother and be the “bigger person.” It’s no fun being the bigger person. Comic books make that fact very obvious. Anywhoozle, Maximus decides to whisper a confession into Black Bolt’s ear, and as the reader, we don’t know what it is. But whatever it is seems only to be a minor inconvenience to Black Bolt, as he just sort of walks away from Maximus only mildly angry. It makes me think he burped in his face instead of saying anything of substance when Black Bolt got close to him. You know, brother shit.

Obviously whatever Maximus did or said to Black Bolt was pretty petty because Black Bolt decides to up the pettiness by 10,000 fold and has his wife sentence Maximus to a life sentence in the abyss of space. (Which we know he will break out of, spoiler.)

Queen Medusa also mentions in her speech that after she sends this guy to deep space, she’s going to appoint some girl with Rihanna’s old haircut to lead everyone and no longer be Queen. She’s certainly pulling no power punches while she still has that royal power. Like, “first of all my annoying bro-in-law is getting exiled because I’m over him, and secondly I’m putting this chick in charge while we come up with a proper government, which will take my lifetime, and this girl is mad-loyal to me, so I’m set for life and I’m tired. Bye.”

But she said it more eloquently than that.

So, the inhumans are recovering from the war and it really hit them and they’re changing everything about themselves. FULL RE-BRANDING. Like, Marvel didn’t even try to hide the fact they were re-branding them. But I’m buying, so it’s working. And I might buy their spin-offs too. Probably not the Black Bolt spin-off because I like my heroes to be more talkative and less moody, but I might buy the Royals spin-off that was mentioned in an epilogue of this comic book!

All in all, it was a pretty good read, and if you want to get into something new the Inhumans may just be the next Guardians of the Galaxy. Damn. Disney. I wanna call them sell-outs and be all hipster and moody about liking comics before they were cool, but these stories are good. And good for comic book writers and artists and whatever because they’ve been making me happy for years and THEY DESERVE ALL THE GOOD SHINY RAINBOW THINGS IN LIFE!

Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider

This is the third comic I’ve picked up in the last few weeks that starts in Las Vegas. I wonder how these heroes aren’t all running into each other. Is Ben Reilly a hero though? Is Nick Fury? Is Elektra? Meh. All of them are pretty seedy, so I guess this is the place where the morphed hero/villain people head to.
Ben Reilly is a clone of a hero, but he’s so tortured that he’s turned into a character all his own. I love Spider-Man. I think that’s why I picked up this Scarlet Spider spin-off. Also, I really, really enjoy Reilly’s outfit choices. A cosplayer’s wet dream. I hope this series lives up to his runway skills.
I’m not really hip to the clones storyline, I did play the running Spider-Man clone game on my phone and it wasted a lot of my life, but I’m still pretty unsure of who Ben Reilly is outside of his origin story.
The picture that they’re painting of him is basically the character of Deadpool having an illusion that he is Spider-Man. The only reason I know he’s not Deadpool is because there are no yellow bubbles. All of the other major identifying points of Deadpool are there. For example; scarred up face, (that’s all I see right now, could be body as well) Imaginary friends who talk to him, and he saved a woman and then forced her to give him $50. Since I’m reading as I write, I’m currently reading in the story that he’s also picked up an old lady to befriend whose name is “June” which is, in Reilly’s words, “close enough.” There’s a merc with a mouth I know who also likes to hang out with old ladies.
If there isn’t a Deadpool spin-off where Wade Wilson attempts to steal the life of Peter Parker, which sounds great, then what we’ve clearly been missing is here in this book.
Immediately after Ben Reilly adopts a new “Aunt June,” a squad of armored and armed goons waltz into the casino and begin to threaten the patrons and demand their money.
That just seems unlikely to me because Casinos have so much surveillance! These robbers clearly didn’t think this one through. And I’m right, they did not because they are quickly foiled by a bald man who, when shot by a crap-load of bullets, is unaffected. Always a good thing to be.
Now, Reilly is intrigued by this guy because of the invincibility-thing he’s got going on, and just before the bald man came to the rescue, Reilly had broken in half the machine gun of one of the goons who threatened his Aunt June. Therefore, the bald man kinda likes Reilly too. This is my sort of meet-cute.
The unnamed Bald man brings Reilly to his boss, whom also owns the casino. She’s also really hot and scary. Her name is Cassandra Mercury and she’s the reason Reilly came to Las Vegas.
It turns out that back when Ben Reilly was going by the name of his former captor, “The Jackal” he got into the pharmaceutical industry and instead of curing his patients he was simply replacing them with healthy clones. Not cool. Very freaky actually. And Mercury was a victim of his crimes. The Jackal took away her daughter and replaced her with a clone.
Naturally, Reilly asks Mercury for help, but ummm the problem with that is, Mercury is still pretty miffed about what he did to her daughter.
And that’s that! You’ll have to check out the next issue if you want to find out if Mercury helps The Scarlet Spider or if she simply blows his brains out!

This was a pretty cool story. It did really feel to me like Deadpool and Spider-Man had a baby. Which is a dream come true, but I’m feeling back and forth about continuing with this series. He is a pretty fun character so far and I do want to see what Peter David is going to bring to the table with him. I feel like this one is going to be quite character-driven and if it’s not that’s a mistake. I really want to get to know Ben Reilly right now after all he’s been through. He seems to still have his humour despite losing his mind. Good combination. Hmm I might have just convinced myself to continue this series…0.o