In this episode Ilsa and Kyra discuss the legendary tale of the Pizza Rat, their low standards of living, and they celebrate America’s birthday! Happy 2021st birthday to you John Adams!
Then it’s time for So Fucking Quiche or Not Fucking Quiche!
Topics include Robert Rodriguez, Spider-Man couplings, and the new Peacemaker series coming to HBOMax.
Before Ilsa and Kyra get into the recaps for Loki and the Bad Batch, they die and become Force Ghosts because Ryan Reynolds has a fucking TikTok!!
Well hello there. It is I, the Comic Book Betch. Here to bring you another installment of the terrible recapping series of #1 issues of comic books that have come out so long ago you don’t even care anymore!
Kate Bishop is my favorite human in the whole wide world. Or Maybe it is Kelly Thompson (writer) I do not know. This series was also drawn by Leonardo Romero. Ooo lala.
Kate has left poor Clint Barton in Bedstuy, Brooklyn and moved back to her hometown in sunny LA.
She has started her own ALIAS business. And right now she’s on a mission in Venice, California. I should also mention that she’s wearing an I (Spider-Man) New York sweatshirt. And she’s funny.
I want that hoodie.
She is creeping on some hot surfer dudes hanging out with their shirts off. She’s tailing a man named, Brad, we do not know what for yet. As she continues her creepery, her photo lens falls on a trio of men in suits. Which looks completely out of place on the beach, they are being very obvious and she is concerned. She goes into spy mode and out of thirsty creep mode immediately.
Kate realizes they have guns, masks and are walking into a bank. Probs gonna rob it. So she shoots out their getaway car tires, calls 911 for backup and strolls into the bank… offering sass.
Kate Bishop is the type of bad-ass b*tch we should all aspire to be. Also, the costume is on point, queen.
Kate marches in there and fires off some smoke arrows, hits a guy in the face, and then shoots another man up against a wall. It. Was. Awesome.
She marches out with her trademark saying…
NEVER forget to tip.
Hawkeye goes home to her rundown apartment/ detective agency. We are introduced to her neighbor, Ramone. She owns the record store next door and will probably become Kate Bishop’s best friend for the series. Allegedly. Ramone makes fun of everything that Kate Bishop owns.
A client pops into the ALIAS business and is actually looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye. Then she goes through a series of people looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye and she grows increasingly tired of this BS throughout the day.
Finally, the last girl to walk into her office is Mikka, a girl who is being harassed online. Kate takes the case and starts the very next morning.
The computer lab lady refuses to let Kate into the computer lab and threatens to call security on her since she doesn’t have a student ID. So she steals one. RUDE.
Kate is having some issues so she is approached by one of the student workers who knows about tech shit. His name is Quinn and she screams at him because he calls her Sunshine. Eventually, they decide to work together because Kate knows nothing about Proxy shit and IP Servers. MMKAY. SO we have established a best friend, a partner, and a victim. We have a whole cast of characters meow! WEEE!!
Kate runs out of the computer lab, returning the jacket and ID that she stole from various people around the previous lab.
She arrives at the newspaper meeting that Mikka is scheduled to go to. Cause she’s like following her around, ya know?
She has reason to believe that the person who has been harrassing Mikka knows her, perhaps just follows her around. Kate spots a dude in the corner snapping pics almost immediately. He sees Kate staring at him and immediately bolts. BUT LYKE WHY? Only guilty people run away, I guess. If some rando girl saw ME stalking some other rando girl I would just shrug and be like oh this person caught me taking a picture of a stranger. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IS IT A CRIME? DONT THINK SO. NOT REALLY READ UP ON THE LAW THOUGH.
Kate attacks him by falling down from a tree right on top of him. HOORAY!
She cracks the 0000 PIN on his phone and finds some harassing emails to Mikka and several photos taking from her on his phone. He goin to jail.
As Kate pats herself on her back for doing such a good job, Mikka turns down a dark alley and gets stolen. So yeah Kate did not do a good job. Or maybe it was a good job, but it wasn’t a thorough job at any rate.
Old Man Hawkeye finally gets HIS SIDE of the story told in this prequel series from the Old Man Logan story that came out years and years ago. One thing, I don’t talk about much is art, but the dystopian background art in this book is breathtaking. I really dig it. I feel like I’m in Mad Max Fury Road with Hawkeye by my side, and that is now my real life’s fantasy.
The background of this story is that 45 years ago the supervillains took over the world and killed all the heroes. Minus a few, like Hawkeye and Logan. Now the USA is divided up into these dirty ass territories where people live half-lives under the fear of their terrifying regime. This is an America without Hope, or with Trump if it pleases you.
Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye has been hired by Jebediah Hammer to protect him on a smuggling mission. Hawkeye doesn’t want to drive through a dangerous ravine because it is “bandit territory.” Or the equivalent of a rural state today I would say, as there are no rules in places like that. You ever been to a bar in Michigan when you’re 12? I have.
A sniper shoots the back part of the semi truck Hawkeye and Hammer are driving and they crash. Hammer is all “Why didn’t you see the rock?”
Um probably f*cking because there was no f*cking rock.
He thinks they ran over a rock! I, mean, I wasn’t there but that seems pretty dumb to me.
They get out of the truck and Hawkeye is looking for a jack to fix the truck up but then allofasudden there are 9 guys right behind him wearing bandanas and holding guns.
The bandits want whatever they’re smuggling, but Hawkeye has other plans.
Old Man Hawkeye could still get it.
He then “THOK!S” them all in the head with arrows, all but one I mean.
Ya. He missed.
As it turns out, he’s got glaucoma. Since he’s not in California or Colorado I’m sure he’s not even getting the right kind of treatment for it either.
His doctor is Claire Temple, a former love interest of Luke Cage.
Hawkeye tells her that he want’s vengeance on the villains for killing all of his friends as he lovingly strokes a picture of the Power Man.
They got Rosario Dawson to play me, I win everything.
She tells him he only has a few weeks to a few months before he goes completely blind and advises him that if he wants to do anything or see anything, to do it now.
So he goes to see Logan, because they are best friends, except only in Clint’s head. Logan does not seem too happy to see Clint.
Oh, and Clint brought him an X-Box for his son. Like, what? Why? 45 years ago? What year does this take place? Why are there still X-Boxes lying around? Also, this deserted Mad Max looking place seems like electricity is more of a luxury than a standard, so I’m a bit confused.
Clint informs Logan that he wants justice, and Logan is like “Nah, I have a family. Get out of here.”
So Hawkeye is like, “whatever take this old-ass X-Box anyway, ho.”
So before he embarks on his next mission he goes to see his daughter, Ashley. His ex-wife is chilling at home with her Ultron-8 robot husband or something. It’s all very strange and I don’t understand it.
Ashley is this emo-ish rocker chick that throws darts at a poster of her father in his purple Hawkeye uniform for fun. Great haircut though.
Sick burn, Ash.
Also, why does this girl look white and have blue eyes if her mother is black? Da fuq? She can have brown eyes and darker skin and she can still be Clint’s daughter.
Anyways, this whole exchange is very awkward and sad. He doesn’t know how to talk to her and she’s pushing him away because he’s never been there for her, and she just wants him to try harder, but he doesn’t know that because she won’t tell him that.
Ash: Why are you here?
Clint: I wanted to see you, I’m going somewhere and I might not come back.
Ash: Well, you saw me. Bye.
Clint: Bye.
HEARTBREAKING. But did we expect Hawkeye to be a good father? This is why we need abortions, people.
Hawkeye goes to cry by his car outside, and in other news, that bandit that he missed is wandering through the mountains dying of thirst. He scoops up some water, but when he puts it to his lips he realizes that it’s black. Which is unexpected, to say the least. What is even more unexpected is that the black water is not even water, nor is it a liquid, it’s a symbiote. Ya know, like Venom. Or exactly Venom, I should say.
Two redneck looking sheriffs come upon the scene of where Hawkeye shot eight dudes and they’re like, “looks me to like that there is some bandit on bandit crime I’ll tell ya what.”
Then this guy in the shadows with a red laser eye is all, “no, you’re dumb.”
Sherriffs: I say now, ha-why are you at this crime scene, ma’boy?
Laser eyes: You aren’t looking close enough at the crime scene. Eight arrows, eight bodies, eight dug graves. Only heroes dig graves for dead people. And also, shut up I’m your boss.
Sherriff: Ohhhh you’re Old Man Bullseye. I see. Only with a laser eye and an evil cliche mustache.
Bullseye: Just call me Bullseye. Or Lester even.
Sherriff: Riiiggghhhttt…
Then he twirls the mustache with his finger.
Why is there, like, mush coming out from around his eye-thing? What the f*ck is happening here?
I can’t wait to see what happens next! I mean, I already purchased #2, so I know what happens immediately next, but I have a feeling this series is gonna be a good one! What do you guys think??
Wooo. A Hawkeye comic book! With both the Hawkeyes! Yay! I love these two. And I like how they share a lot of spin-offs together. I don’t know what this Generations stuff is but I’m here and I’m into it.
I feel like Kate Bishop and I have a lot in common, in that we talk like morons. But it’s fun.
This book is written by a chick and she gets me. I was rotflmao.
So apparently the Hawkeyes were taken from different parts of the past/future/present/timey thing and placed on a remote island along with the most famous marksmen in the world which are mostly villains.
BFFLs
Clint, was taken from the past (I guess they wanted prime Clint) so he doesn’t know who Kate is, but she stumbles upon him and realizes this is the past Clint immediately because of his hot pink uniform of yore.
The retired suit of Hawkeye sponsored by Hello Kitty.
So Kate wonders perhaps she is stuck in the past? Which bites. Luckily she has stumbled on Clint, she decides to not tell him the truth about the future and how they’re friends because she’s afraid of the “butterfly effect” or whatever.
So she tells him she knows him because of The Black Widow and she claims that she is a spy and her code name is “Hawkess” which she hates and instantly regrets, but you know what? I kinda dig it. She finally convinces Hawkeye that she’s a hero by putting down her weapon, but at that exact instant he FWIPs right at her and she knows she’s about to die.
Except she doesn’t die because he actually hit some other marksman. Classic Hawkeye doing classic Hawkeye things.
So the reason they’re on this island is it’s kind of a game where they’re all supposed to hit the mark on their opponents belts so the loser can be teleported off the island. Every single guy is wearing one, oh and it will explode if you take it off, but somehow Kate doesn’t have one and it is never explained why.
The two Hawkeyes build a campfire and hang out and talk while roasting what looks like marshmallows. It is also never explained where they got the marshmallows.
Their conversations are hilarious. I just really enjoy the chemistry between these two. They are best friends and it is fun to read them just enjoy each other’s company. Clint lets Kate try on his mask and she is very excited about it.
They’ve been chatting for a while and eating and drinking around this campfire so eventually a villain pops out informing them that he could see the campfire and hear their arguing from miles away. In response they Sproing him right in the target and send him packing back to his time zone or wherever these defeated people are heading. Also Boomerang is there and Kate Fwips him right in the target. These targets are located right above the genitals so missing would really injure these dudes… I would imagine.
Kate is beginning to learn more about the situation she is in. She mentions to Hawkeye that she saw Bullseye earlier and Hawkeye says he has no idea who that is, WHICH MEANS, she is not the only one from the future here.
Although they’re both unsure of how they got to the island Clint has an idea of why he’s there, he heard about the game and wanted to participate in it for a large sum of money. But he has no memory after except waking up in the forest and seeing all of these villains. He knew that the villains would be in it for a blood bath and not for the sport of it so his mission in this book is to send everyone packing, fairly, and with lives in tact.
HE’S A HERO!!
The Hawkeyes stumble upon what they believe is the headquarters and they make a plan. They’re going to split up. Kate is going to infiltrate the headquarters and Hawkeye will draw out the other marksmen and take them down. But then out of nowhere comes The Swordsman, Clint’s old mentor. Or just mentor. If it’s not current does that mean it’s old? IDK Anyways Clint don’t trust him and is like “You’re def behind this whole shit.” And Swordsman is like “nah, b that ain’t me.”
Swordsman and Hawkeye unwillingly team up to take down the remaining villains.
Kate has a stunning realization that she and Clint are a lot alike since their father figures are bad people blah blah blah.
Hawkeye gets attacked by Taskmaster but is able to take him down very quickly because the Taskmaster wears a cape. And that is stupid.
I would say the whole ensemble is a mistake.
Meanwhile, Kate has found the headquarters, the “mastermind?”, and Crossfire. Kate sends an arrow right at Crossfire as he fires back at her. He is not wearing a belt that will teleport him back to his time like her, so she settles for tying him up and leaving him on the ground like a hog-tied pig while she talks to the “mastermind.”
The mastermind is named Eden and she is not the mastermind behind everything after all… it is indeed The Swordsman like Clint surmised. Eden is simply Swordsman’s protege. She is able to manipulate time and space. COOL!!!!
Kate gets whacked in the face with the Ace of Spades which is way funnier if you read the dialogue of this comic book, and Eden, Kate and Swordsman take cover behind a table because they only know one guy who kills people with playing cards.
Bullseye. Did you guess that?
Y’think?!!! What an Asshat this blue-haired chick is
Hawkeye arrives and battles Bullseye and its a goooood battle. Somehow Clint’s shirt gets ripped to shreds and yet he hasn’t a mark on him.
Swordsman announces that this whole thing was his idea to get Clint back in his life. Eden is like “wtf Swordsman? I thought you liked me. You are such a bitch. I’m sending you away now because I can.” So she teleports Swordsman and Crossfire away then gives Clint a remote so he can teleport himself home, too. BTW this remote has one button on it. It looks more like a detonator than a body-slide by one or whatever. But before he can ask any questions she disappears too.
Clint regrets not hitting on Eden, Kate smacks her face in annoyance.
They hang out on a cliff together while Kate waits for a ride off the island. I don’t know who is going to pick her up? She ends up just dissolving into thin air as Clint snores, because he fell asleep on the edge of a cliff.
Nothing makes sense.
But this was an amazing comic book. It made me laugh and I’m getting #2 ASAP because this is the kind of stuff I like to read. Little one-off stories that are fun and are about friendship and hearts and rainbows and hot pink booties.
I love you Hawkeyes! That’s why you’re tatted on my arm forevahh.
Comic Book Bitch 