I decided on recapping Cable this week, because this issue finally had the action we’ve been waiting for. Unlike in the X-Men comics where they just talk in a circle all day, Cable is out here doing the damn thing. And I’m talking about pubescent Cable here.
Our story begins with a partnership as old as time, Cable and Domino. Ah, young love.
Cable breaks the ice by asking her how her powers work, and she describes it like a cosmic event. Where all the asteroids just seems to line up in a certain way, and that’s her luck.
He’s counting on her luck, which caused him to follow her to Tokyo even though they’re after the clone of his older self, Stryfe and they have no proof that he would even think about going to Japan.
Cable: So we’re in Tokyo, because of your powers, right? We should be here?
Domino: What? No. I wanted Gyoza.
So they head to a spot that Domino likes and get some fucking dumplings.
How can either of you tell where the other one is looking?
Turns out, Domino is lucky because Cable wasn’t looking at her “that way” he was staring right past her head and checking out an old man Cable clone. The baby-napper in the flesh!
Cable jumps up and runs after him. Domino decides to steal a few moments to get her snack on.
My brain is telling me follow you, but my heart is saying “MAWR DUMPLINS”
Cable follows the clone through the restaurant and shoots at him while they’re in the kitchen, because restaurant workers aren’t people. No need to treat them like they deserve to live.
The baby-napper clone runs downstairs where he has some sort of secret underground hideaway and he shuts the high-tech door behind him and now Cable has nowhere to go.
Does anyone else think it’s weird that Stryfe has an underground hideaway below a dumpling shop? No? Just me. Well, fuck you, then.
After Cable shoots at the locked door a few times to no avail, he decides to walk over in front of it and cry about his life. As he is whining about how he can’t do anything right, when he literally wins everything, the high-tech door scans his retina and lets him right in.
Dummy, it’s your clone’s hideaway. Of course you can fucking get in.
Nathan and Baby-Napper have a conversation and it goes like this:
Cable: I’m pointing my gun at you!
BN: You’re dumb and you plan bad.
Cable: I’m so upset with myself and I constantly battle with inner demons.
BN: Uhk.
Cable: I’m a sad boi.
BN: I’m going to press this button
Cable: Don’t press it, I’ll shoot you.
BN: I’m gonna press it.
Cable: Don’t.
BN: I pressed it.
Then Cable shoots him and he dies. BUT all these tiny baby Cable clones come out. Okay they’re not baby-babies but they are young Cable clones. Just as cute.
LOOK AT ALL THE WITTLE BABY WUB WUBS!! (heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji)
Cable fights his clones, and also battles his inner demons, meanwhile, Domino walks in with dumplings hanging out of her mouth and stupidly asks “hrmrmrhshfm??”
Cops and superheroes don’t go to jail for killing people, Domino. Idiot.
She decides to take a breath and look up from her box of noodles and she pulls out her gun.
She shoots every clone except the one that yells “cease fire, I’m friendly!”
She stops and he walks over to her and he’s like “how did you know it was me?”
And she’s all, “I didn’t” Then she shoots him in the head.
And then I was like AHHH OMG. SHE SHOT HIM. SHE SHOT CABLE!
You misunderstood me, Domino! Being a cop or superhero only works if you’re a man! Women get held accountable for ALL OF their actions!
Then ANOTHER Cable dusts his knees off and comes out of the woodwork and is like, “are you out of bullets?”
And Domino is like, “yeah, but even If I had one left, I probably wouldn’t shoot you, Real Cable Baby.”
Cable calls in a team to clean up the clone bodies, meanwhile Domino is like, hey there were 12 clones in here and I only shot 11. One got away.
They dip out and find this little fool real quick. Sticking out like a tall white boy in Japan as it were.
The clone knocks Cable and Domino down and then reveals his evil plan to return to Krakoa in Cable’s place.
Domino and Cable are both being psionically held down so they can’t stop him from killing them.
Luckily, remember that weird meteor thing I mentioned earlier?
Yeah. Well one of those things comes sailing out of the sky and right into clone Cable’s pretty little face.
That’s a meteor, bitch!
Cable then blames Domino, and Domino is like, shut up I didn’t kill him, a meteor did, dummy.
So Cable is back to having no leads because this clone’s head just randomly busted open.
Domino tells Cable to lose her number and dips out. Cable then texts his buddies about how he left a bunch of dead bodies in Japan, and they let him know that X-Factor is inbound to clean up his little messy. I don’t know how they got a hold of X-Factor tho, because last I heard they were down to three measly members on account of all of them getting totally whacked by Morrigan.
COOL RIGHT? But it’s not over! After our baby Cable story we get a little peek at what old man Cable is doing. He’s hunting some fuckers, hidden in a cape and carrying a big ass gun. That’s what Cable does best, hoes!
Cable walks in and tells his little robot buddy to wait outside.
He traipses in like he owns the place, but he notices a string on the ground, a booby trap. He’s too smart for that though and he walks right over it.
Unfortunately, right over that string is a giant hole.
So yeah, he gets immediately trapped in a pitfall.
I call this one: Cable falling into the abyss.
WHAT AN IDIOT!
What did you think about this issue? This Cable run is finally getting good huh?! I THINK SO!
PLUS WE GOT A DOMINO CAMEO!
WOW. WOW.WOW.
-Comic Book Betch
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It’s X-Men #16 recap time! I’m sure you are all still on the edge of your seat’s from last month’s X-Men #15 recap, this one is a lot less intense! If you consider taking a really long time to pick your kid up from the playground intense.
Written by Jonathan Hickman
Cover Art by Leinil Francis Yu
Penciller Phil Noto
In the last issue Jean and Cyclops had to convince the Quiet Council of letting them pick up their son from the Otherworld. In the end the council said no you can’t and they were like whatever, bye.
It seems that the story was continued in another comic’s storyline, but it wasn’t Cable’s so I have no idea what happened between then and now, but I will tell you that Jean and Cyclops are now with their son Cable and Cable isn’t being a baby backed bitch anymore who doesn’t know how to kill bitches like what happened in Cable #6 when he started crying.
Apparently the two islands that the two mutant groups live on, Arrako and where our heroes live, Krakoa, are divorced, but the islands are thinking about getting back together and becoming one land like they used to be, OKKKUUURRAAA
All Hail Bardi Cardi
So what needs to happen is these two islands need to fall in love again so that they can combine, but nobody really knows how to make that happen so they’re just trying to figure that shit out at this point.
Does this hood make me look stupid? NM don’t answer that.
Meanwhile, Cypher, a mutant who is merged with Krakoa and acts as his translator, decides to meet with the other island in the middle of the water, and they would just be big trees having a talk about how to split the kids up.
You look…nice. New trimmings?
It does not go well. Cypher returns to the Quiet Council letting them know that the trees are still not into each other therefore the islands ain’t gonna merge. He says it’s because the mutants on Arakko are weirdos and speak a different language and there are also twice as many mutants on that island than this one. They are more barbaric I think is where he is going with this but we shall see.
WHO SAID THAT!? DID THAT EMPTY CHAIR SAY THAT?! IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING VOICES?!
Later on Arakko, a woman representative of Arakko, who is wearing a cooler suit than even Iron Man has ever debuted and wearing the colors no less, has a discussion with Magneto and Charles. Their conversation goes like this:
Gold Chick: Your man-child friend, the one who is married to that bad bitch from my island, Bei, he said we’re going to remain two islands.
Charles: Yeah. That is Cypher. The man-child you speak of.
Gold Chick: I don’t care. What’s that in your hand?
Magneto: This is a flower for you. So that you can come and go to each island as you please.
Gold Chick: Flower? I can tell right now you two are bitch boys. Tell me what you got going on over there on Krakoa.
Magneto: We have a quiet council.
Gold Chick: It’s a child’s society. We have been around for thousands of years what the hell do you expect us to do with your play pretend circle of man-children?
Charles: We would like to work together and form some sort of working relationship.
Gold Chick: We are war bitches. We kill everyone. It’s a wonder I haven’t killed you now. And I didn’t mainly because when you got here I was killing something else. SO!
Charles: Can you still take our unity offer to your ruler?
Gold Chick: I will, but you’re still little bitches.
Magneto: Haha she called you-
Gold Chick: No! Both of you!
So, so she doesn’t want these flowers?
SO THAT WENT WELL.
Charles thinks that they need to prepare in case the Arakko come after them now so they need to fill some seats on the council. Magneto asks Jean and Cyclops to fill the empty council seats and they are like “Um, no.” And Magneto is all “wtf? Why not?” And they’re all “We want to lead the X-Men WAAH WAHHH WAHH”
Magneto: God you guys look stupid in those clothes. Do I look as dumb as you?
Charles asks them if he can talk them out of it and Jean and Cyclops say no. So Magneto says, so who is on your team? And they kind of look at each other like they each smelled a fart but are too polite to point it out for fear of embarrassing the culprit which Is obviously one of the two old geezers in the room. And then Magneto is like, “who is on your team idiots?” And they are like “Dunno. Since the X-Men is created to fight for the people we were thinking we would have the people choose.” Then Magneto is like, but people are famously dumb. You know who got elected to office in America in 2016? And Cyclops is like “we know, but we want to have a vote anyway.”
So there you have it folks. The first election on Krakoa. I can’t wait to see the campaigns these nerds come up with to make it on to the X-Men team.
This is my cool gang sign for the X-Men. You, like, you put your arms, like you cross them, but you poke your fists out and you go “UNGH” and it’s like an X, but it’s bad ass cause it’s your fists. Chyeah.
All jokes aside this seems like a fun and creative way for the writers to show some butt-kicking and heartfelt scenes exactly they way they want to show them. Total and complete creative control.
In this issue, Cyclops won’t shut the fuck up! We also learn the importance of wearing your mask and we find out what happened to Drogon and Daenerys after that GOT finale!! A must not miss recap!!
Remember when I recapped Cable? Well, we’re still in that universe for X-Men #15. Cable is a teenager and the X-Men live on Krakoa.
This one is written by Jonathan Hickman, Art by Mahmud Asrar, and Cover Art by Sonny Gho.
What a nice name Sonny is. Very nice.
Moving on, Cable has been taken and now his mommy and daddy are coming to save him! Aww. Before they jump into action to save their captured son, they decide to pontificate for a while on a random hill.
Can you hurry it up, Scott? Our kid could be dead.
Apparently it’s been over an hour since Nathan AKA Cable screamed out to his parents to save him, but they need to make one more pit stop before they go save him.
You think it’s cool to have the head of the X-Men and the most powerful mutant as your father and mother, respectively, but it turns out they’re just as awful as regular parents who forget to pick you up from pre-school so you have to stay through for the PM class, but on the plus side you get two lunches that day, and you never have to go back because now your parents are ashamed and afraid that they’re going to be reported to child services. Oh, wait was that just me?
I digress, anyways, so they show up to this round table of people who decide things because Krakoa is more important than their son. Cool, cool.
Our son still as one eye and arm left. He should be fine.
Meanwhile in the Otherworld Starlight Citadel, Khaleesi mother of dragons has pit husband and wife against each other in a fight to the death. Good to see she’s doing well after her death in Game of Thrones.
Glad to see Drogon is doing well.
So those ^^ two chat, and Apocalypse (the big guy) asks his wife to take off her mask, and she’s like “we’re in a pandemic” And he’s like -_-. So she’s like “fine” and she takes her mask off and they fight to the death.
Then we’re back to Jean and Scott who are telling this round table that Cable is in serious danger, cause he reached out psychically from Otherworld and it is nearly impossible to do so, but he’s in grave danger so, he was able to reach out from that far, because he is inches from death. But they’re also sure he can last a few more days if not hours.
The round table is like, “geeze your kid is dying that sucks…for you.”
Jean: Krakoa is also in danger.
Round Table: Why the fuck didn’t you lead with that?
So Cyclops tells the round table their plan which is to take a strike team to the Otherworld to get the people who were stolen back. And once the people are home they will close the gates for good so no one can attack them and they’ll be closed off from the world…s forever! Yay! Island quarantine!
Island quarantining is so hot right now.
So, the round table is like “that plan is dumb.”
Then Nightcrawler is like “count me in!”
Then the round table is like “no, you’re not going dummy. We’re a government and we can’t be doing shit all willy-nilly.”
Then Emma Frost talks to Cyclops in his head and she calls him “love” what a home-wrecking hoe. Or is Jean the home wrecker at this point? I can’t figure out these timelines anymore. SO I wonder since they had a psychic conversation not out loud to the panel, didn’t Jean hear? She’s psychic, amiright?
Then the circle decides that they’re just going to close the gates and save their own asses, and Cyclops is all “Well you’re the government of Krakoa, But The X-Men are the heroes!”
We couldn’t have gotten to this conclusion quicker? Your son is DYING!
So, they finally go pick up Cable from pre-school, er- I mean, from certain doom.
Cyclops is like : Jean, you ready.
Jean: Fucking duh. I’ve been trying to get you to stop talking for the last fucking hour.
It’s only my fucking son who is out there dying while you talk about nonsense.
So this whole time Scott has been talking, Khaleesi has Apocalypse fighting to the death against his wife, and we’re back to them and the wife is like “yield, you fool!” Then he stabs his wife. Probably because he is 300lbs and she is 87lbs, Didn’t seem like a fair fight to me, considering he is also an asshole. She’s bleeding out on the floor and Khaleesi is like “kill her, dude.” And Apocalypse is like “no, that’s my wife. It’s only cool to maim her, not kill her completely.”
But then uh-oh what’s this the wife puts her mask back on, and she’s back in the fight.
When you wear a mask, the life you save just may be your own.
Ah, so this whole issue was just a PSA to wear your damn masks!
My first thought upon seeing this comic book was that Cable looks mad fucking weird. Like when has he ever had a baby-face. Then I realized that this comic book, created by Gerry Duggan and Phil Noto, is about baby Cable.
Baby Cable is living on the mutant island of Krakoa and he fights other mutants for fun. These matches are refereed by the Silver Samurai.
The comic starts with him fighting his “Uncle Logan” in one of these mutant fight matches and for some unknown reason Kris Jenner is there cheering him on.
Is that Kim next to Kris? Or did Khloe lose the blonde hair?
Cable is getting ready to celebrate with his gal pals, Armor and Pixie, when a little boy named Curse asks Cable to go save his friend, Fauna. Fauna is a little bitch who decided to cross the border of Krakoa and go into the side of the island that is filled with monsters. Why these mutants decided they should live on an island filled with monsters is not my fucking business, but they explain it anyone. The reason is that Krakoa ATE another island. Sure, we’ll go with that. I’m fine, are you guys fine? Islands eat islands. New Normal.
Within like one page Cable finds Curse’s friend Fuana, because the meat of this story must be here and not the missing kid. Pixie is like “you found him? Coolio I’m going to meet up with you, but also there’s a giant Lion Monster following me so watch out when I get there!
soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Cable gets ready to fight this lion and starts throwing grenades at it, meanwhile Pixie decides to drug the little kid, Fauna with her magical “pixie dust” or “Molly” as it’s known here on Earth.
“I can feel my hair growing”
Fauna says that the Lion is hurt and needs help, but Cable is like “you’re high, get out of here.” So Pixie flies him off while Armor runs in and tackles Cable and straddles him then begins talking about her feelings.
Yeah, while a giant lion crushes you into the ground with it’s paw, THAT is the best time to discuss your relationship.
Despite Armor trying to distract Cable by any means necessary, he sees a piece of giant metal sticking out of the giant lion paw. He’s like we’ll pull it out and heal it and then the Lion will be our friend. Armor is like “okay, how do we get the lion to stand up and show us his paw?” That’s when Cable takes out a giant gun and shoots it into the Lion’s face. Yeah, kinda the opposite thing that ya’ll were going for, but that gun exploding in its face is what gets the Lion to fall down on it’s side and it is stunned long enough that Cable takes the metal out and heals the paw. 2 stones, 1 bird.
The metal piece turns out to be a magic sword, oooo.
The lion runs off because he’s like “They shoot me and then heal me? This clearly a toxic environment. I don’t want to be gas-lighted into thinking that because they say they’re sorry, it makes it okay that they shoot me in the face. I am a strong Independent Lion and I will be respected as such.”
Purple blood? FABULOUS!
This sword sends Cable on a mushroom trip and he remembers all the battles the former owner fought. Then he passes out. His friends gather around him and Fauna is like, “did I get Cable killed?” And Armor is like, “It’s fine, we’ll make up a different story.”
WHAT THE FUCK. She was just straddling him and trying to bone him under a lion’s paw and now she could care less if he died right now.
Spoiler Alert, as if all of my recaps aren’t total and complete spoilers, Cable stirs awake and he’s like, “I have a new sword, yay!”
Cable shows it to his dad, Scott Summers AKA Cyclops, and Cyclops is like “you’re naughty going to Monster Island.” and Cable is like “But I have this sword. I wonder where it’s from?” Then Cyclops is like “Well, let’s let the writers create a whole new world in the next few panels.”
The sword is from space New York and these rude titan soldiers want it. SO! They’re going to go after Cable. Obviously.
THE END!
NOT!
There’s a few more pages. On a completely different planet or island or time idk which, Old Man Cable is shooting crabs with a large gun.
Now The End.
Look, I’m old again!
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF CABLE #1?
I thought it was pretty good. Great set up, great characters, violence, heroism, romance. This one’s got it all.
Do you guys love how clever I am with post titles??
Do you also love how I say “You guys” even though there’s only like one person reading this?!
In time. Yes, time. You guys will see.
N-E-WAYZ
I love Cable because he is best friends with my best friend, Deadpool.
Editor’s note: Deadpool’s stint as an X-Man came with a costume change.
So the time-displaced war hero and son of Cyclop’s and Jean Grey’s (clone?) has traveled back in time to the 1800s in Arizona. Thank God he’s white! AMIRIGHT!?
From what I have learned from these first few pages is that a bunch of cliche robbers are sitting around a poker table in and old-timey saloon, as they were called in those days, and it’s a little weird because there’s a few dead bodies laying around them and everyone else who is alive is in a panic.
I think they need a hero.
And huzzah he has arrived!
Dramatically…he enters dramatically.
Now, things get interesting. SO INTERESTING IN FACT, that these 1800s robbers/murderers have future laser guns!
HOW DID THEY GET THEM!?
I think we’re about to find out.
Well not this issue but perhaps next…
Cable beats these guys up and asks them questions about the guy who gave them the guns.
And apparently this guy can transport through time. At least it sounds that way since the guy he questioned said that he “vanished back inta thin air again.”
HRM????
BODYSLIDE BY TWO ANYONE!!? I will literally die if Cable is hunting Deadpool RN.
So Cable disappears in the same crop field the other guy disappeared into which for some reason transports him into Japan in 1543… IDK! I have so many questions…let’s read on.
Also this is great because it’s filled with so many determined Cable faces.
He meets a random Japanese woman, the only survivor (plus her infant son) of a deathly battle as he watches her village burn down. He promises to avenge her son and not her, which, I mean, is a little sexist.
He continues on his journey to find a group of Japanese warriors. He was clearly looking for them, I’m assuming these guys were the ones who burnt down the village.
Anyways they kick Cable’s arse with pixelated-future-fire swords and it does not look good for him…
I think my Deadpool theory is concluded, they would have definitely thrown him in the ending of the first issue if he was behind it, because that would like , triple the sales.
Cable usually has some more interesting friends to carry his story lines so it’s a risk to give him his own solo book. If you’re a big Cable fan you probably hate me for saying that, but my favorite characters are the funny ones or the dramatic ones. Cable is the type of guy you should marry. He’s stable and secure and knows what he wants, but girls still fuck around with the Clint Barton’s of the world. I think I need a second opinion to sell me on him before I go pick up #2.
Comic Book Bitch 