In Batman: Urban Legends #6, Tim Drake’s Robin finally decides he likes dick, too.
In the latest Batman: Urban Legends, monthly anthology series, we pick up the story of Tim Drake AKA Robin. Meghan Fitzmartin as well as art by Belén Ortega and Alejandro Sanchez, created this issue, obviously because women and Latinos aren’t weird about LGBT+ stuff.
So, like, basically Tim broke up with his on and off again gf Stephanie Brown (Spoiler) and he’s pretty annoyed by his attempts to always try to do what Batman would want instead of exploring what HE WANTS. Like, he didn’t even need years of therapy to make these breakthroughs. I am so jealous.
So anyways in this issue, Tim’s old friend, Bernard, is in a cult. But one that sacrifices teens so when Tim saves Bernie he’s like, “wow I really like this dude. If he died I would be so sad cause I wanna mouth kiss him.” And despite being named Bernard, he’s pretty cute, so when Bernie and Tim fight side by side to overtake the evil cult, things get pretty hot.
After they save the day, Tim heads over to Bernard’s house, and old Bernard asks Tim on a date. Tim is like Hell yeah lemme get all up in those jeans.
Now, for longtime comic readers, we were all pretty sure that Robin was gay. But NOW it seems he is bisexual, as he had a long term love affair with Stephanie Brown. It was on and off again, but even if he liked her, he probs wasn’t exploring other aspects of himself, as he mentions in Batman: Urban Legends #4.
AND AGAIN longtime comic book readers, can tell that he probably chose this moment to come out with his true identity, because like, he was totes in love with his Young Justice teammate, Superboy. When the Conner Kent Superman Clone died, Tim Drake DID NOT TAKE IT WELL! Like, everyone thought it was just a “bromance.” But, then after Conner died, Tim Drake tried to bring him back from the dead and would not stop telling everyone he knew that he “couldn’t live” without his best friend. Now, I’m not saying they were playing “hide the sausage together,” but I am saying that Tim Drake DEF wanted to fuck his friend. Which is BEAUTIFUL. IT’S CALLED LOVE, PEOPLE!
So anyways, I’m happy for Tim Drake’s Robin coming out. I’ll say it once, and I’ll probably not say it again, Great job, DC!
I guess the only thing left to do is to JUST TELL ME THAT BATMAN AND THE JOKER ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.
XOXO,
Comic Book Bitch
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Batman knows who the Joker is, but he ain’t tellin’
I’m back betches. I’ve been reading this new Batman series by Geoff Johns, Jason Fabok, and Brad Anderson.
It’s about Batman and three jokers. Just like in the title. Three issues have come out so far and this one is the best one.
Batman has teamed up with Batgirl and his old Robin, Red Hood, or Jason. The most hated Robin of all time. In the first issue they discovered that there are three jokers parading around killing people and they need to find the real one. Red Hood shoots one of them and that makes Batman and Batgirl really mad because they are super weird for the law, and then in the second issue they discover that the remaining two jokers are creating tons of other jokers because the Jokers want to create the ULTIMATE JOKER. That’s what leads us here. OH and Batgirl totally kissed Red Hood last issue and then immediately regretted it and we find out why she regretted it in this issue.
So let’s recap shall we?
First off the trio are having a meeting which gets heated quickly, with Batman grabbing Jason and threateningly holding him. Like Batman, take a chill pill. A Xanax. A Xanax is a chill pill btw.
OH! JUST BECAUSE I MURDERED SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD I’M THE BAD GUY? WHATAMI? A COP??
After they scream dramatically at each other for a minute, Barbara is like, dudes wtf? Fragile masculinity amiright? So because she owns them both they both take a breath and Batman reminds them that they agreed to work together and Red Hood can’t go and shoot everybody all willy nilly. Like a cop. RIP BREONNA TAYLOR
The trio is like, well the jokers are trying to make a better joker. The ultimate joker, maybe if we knew who the real joker was, and his true identity this would be easier and Batman is like “er, righhttt. Anyways Jason I’m sorry I assumed you were dead and then left you for dead, but the writers asked the readers to call a number if they wanted you live and another number if they wanted you to die, and everyone wanted you to die, so the fact that you’re alive now means that the writers DID not listen to the audience.”
And Red Hood is like “Oh is it because I’m mad annoying? And was mad annoying? And still am really annoying?”
And Batman is like “yeah.”
Jason, are you-are you about to cry? Bitch.
Then Jason says “I think you know who the real joker is and you’re not telling us.”
And Batman is all “nuh-uh.”
Next scene, Batman goes to prison to visit Joe Chill. Joe Chill is the man who murdered Batman’s parents in front of him. Anyways he’s dying of cancer and has been moved to a hospital bed, but the Jokers took him from the hospital bed and brought him to a movie theater.
All of the bats and Red Hoods get to the theater and it’s raining. Spooky.
WHIPSHAW! CLOMP! SQUUEGY. (how imagine it sounds when all three of them landed)
They split up in the theater. Batman finds Joe Chill and a Joker immediately, meanwhile his two sidekicks are fighting jokers on the other levels.
I know I got junk in the trunk, but I don’t think I need this many bellhops.
Batman tries to save Joe Chill, but Joker is wearing a vest of dynamite, snooze. Get another prank will you? Anyways, he’s playing a video in the theater of Joe Chill explaining why he killed Bruce’s parents, and why he is sad about it and knows it was a mistake.
Batman is all, “Hey Joker, this is an old man dying of cancer why do you want to make him into a Joker?”
Joker: Because he means everything to you! And I want to mean everything to you!
Batman: Awe. That’s cute.
Batgirl: WTF?
Batman: Like, you know, in a stalkery way.
Batgirl: *raises eyebrows*
See? The Joker is just tired. He wants to retire, maybe to a beach somewhere. Yeah, a beach. That would be nice, eh Jokesy?
So there’s this bath of chemicals that creates Jokers, and This Joker wants to drop Joe Chill in it, and he even has him hanging from rope tied to a chair right above it, any second he can cut it and Joe will go tumbling in.
CUT TO: crazy fight scene
Batman knocks the lighter from Joker’s hands, Joker shoots at Batman, Batman kicks Joker in the stomach, Joker slits the rope and Joe goes tumbling towards the chemical bath, but aha Batman saves him!
DUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH JOE CHILL!
Outside of the theater, Joe apologizes to Batman, then Batman saves Joe’s life again when crumbling pieces of the roof threaten to crush him. The Joker shows up and then gets shot in the face and Batman is like “wha?” And it turns out it’s another Joker who shot him. Batman arrests this one and it’s over! Now Red Hood can awkwardly hit on Batgirl!
You can feel her eye roll through the page
The remaining Joker, The Comedian, explains everything, and I’m too lazy to write it so here’s the picture.
That has to be a chin implant, no?
This Joker says he knew how the whole thing would play out, Batman would save Joe Chill’s life knowing that he was sorry and he was the one in pain now, not Batman. That would heal Batman from his parents death and now his greatest pain would be the Joker. SUCH A CREEP!
Later Joe Chill dies, and Bruce holds his hand as he goes. HOW SWEET. Oh my gosh this is the love issue for sure.
Red Hood drives off to Alaska, but before he goes, he writes a note to Barbara AKA Batgirl. It goes something like this:
Dearest Barbara,
I’ve always admired you, for being hot and kicking people’s asses. I will totally give up being Red Hood to be with you, and we can have babies and I’ll be a stay-at-home dad and you can fight all the crime you want! This is not super desperate. I know we only kissed, for like one second but I totally got hard, and that’s why I think it was more. Even though you told me it wasn’t. I know it was and I’m also a man and can’t take no for an answer. You like me. You totally have to like me. Because I like you!
Love,
Red Hood.
Luckily the note falls off of her apartment door, because he wrote a damn note and not a long text or DM like everyone else would.
Next we get this cool intercut scene where Batman and Alfred talk meanwhile we get a glimpse at The Comedian Joker’s former life. Batman reveals that he knows the real identity of the Joker and he keeps it a secret to protect his family.
BUM BUM BUHHH!!
You knew this whole time, Bruce?! What the fuck! And you totally lied to your friends earlier when they were like “you know who he is don’t you” and you were all “nope.”
Damn. The shade.
But uh-oh, everyone’s least favorite Robin is up to his annoying ass tricks again. The same douchemobile Hummer we saw Red Hood driving in earlier, just pulled up to the Joker’s family’s house.
Damn, what a douche bag.
THAT’S THAT! How did you like this recap? Was it terrible, was it funny? Did you even make it this far into the review??? Let me know in the comments below!
Hey, maybe you could’ve used this list last month. And to that I say, I didn’t think of this until now. Anyways, here is a collection of my Must Reads and favorite Comic Books. I would say they’re in order, but lyke they’re not. Except #1 is my #1.
Matt Fraction and Dan Aja’s – Hawkeye. (You knew this would be here)
Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Old Man Logan by Mark Millar and Steve Mcniven
Spider-Man: Back In Black by J. Michael Straczynsk and and illustrated by Ron Garney, Bill Reinhold, Matt Milla and Cory Petit
Cable and Deadpool: Separation Anxiety written by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. Artists Mark Brooks, Patrick Zircher, Lan Medina, Reilly Brown, Ron Lim, Staz Johnson, and Jon Malin
The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman
Watchmen Obv. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
The New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis
Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe and Roc Upchurch
Kick- Ass: The Dave Lizewski Years by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.
Marvel Zombies by Robert Kirkman and Sean Phillips
Marvel 1602 by Neil Gaiman
Batman: The Killing Joke by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland
Batman: The Long Halloween by Jeff Loeb and Tim Sale
Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra
I decided to stop at 15 but there are so many more. Also sorry not sorry this is mostly Marvel. I was born and raised on my Marvel hoes.
A mixed emotional one because I’m reviewing a comic book about two bad bitches that I love. THAT’S MY MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
I’m not crazy into DC stuff as we all know. I’m like a total hipster now because I’m not all about the mainstream anymore.
My cat is currently going buckwild on my pumpkin decorations.
Yeah, um anyways. THIS IS A 6-ISSUE MINI SERIES BY JODY HOUSER, ADRIANA MELO, MARK MORALES, and HI-FI
The mini series begin with a prologue by Harley. Harley ponders back on her wonderful friendship with Ivy, and remembers when Ivy died in Heroes in Crisis. Luckily, Ivy gave Harley a flower and she grew from the flower. Because that’s normal and fine. And JUST TAKE IT OKAY?
Why is that bed so firm?? Are they sleeping on wooden planks?
So they’re like chillin at a diner or something and some annoying ass kid is like “Why is Poison Ivy naked and green?”
So Harley yells at the kid and they decide to go shopping so Ivy can get a new outfit. But in the dressing room she like became this nasty ass clump of green mess.
New look, same bangs.
So Harley takes her home in a bag and then sends her to bed. Then Harley grabs some box from her basement and we get a flashback of where she got said box which was from some bitch-ass robot.
Why is he carrying it like that? That could get knocked out of his arms so damn quick??
So she takes this box she had in the basement and goes to Ivy’s room and tells her that its a brand new delivery from Lex Luthor. It is fertilizer with a note that says it will help her. Ivy takes it and eats it or something but Harley has a “bad feeling” well if that isn’t a dead giveaway then IDK what the fuck is.
So then Harley goes to her room to cry about how she didn’t get a present from Lex Luthor and then Ivy goes to take a nap and cocoon herself inside all of the bushes in her room.
They wake up the next day and Ivy has clothes on and Harley is excited that she looks better. She wonders if the fertilizer worked but Ivy said not all of her powers were restored.
WHY IS THE COFFEE SMOKING LIKE THAT
Ivy says she needs to go live somewhere else because, although Harley put a bunch of plants all over the place, she needs more. So Harley said they’ll go together but their next move should be that they become heroes. She came up with this idea while asleep because Flash killed Ivy last time and he’s a good guy so Harley has decided the world is already broken if good guys are killing people so its no fun to break it anymore. Or at least that’s the bitch-ass cop-out reason the writer came up with.
Harley is bored and decides to become a hero. Poison Ivy has no mind of her own and follows Harley into the abyss.
K thanks.
Just when it was getting boring, the plant on Harley’s kitchen table comes alive and attacks her. Harley is like wtf, Ivy? And Ivy is all “It’s not me!” Then they’re all “then who?”
And then we find out… It’s some bitch boy.
You can place flowers on any part of your body and you opt for a fucking shawl??
So this bitch boy who is a DRAMATIC AF jerk is like “Hey Ivy, the Parliamant of Flowers is in my grasp.” And Ivy is like “You’re not their champion. I am.”
And then Bitch Boy says ” I’m going to make use of you and TAKE the power.”
OOOOO! Wonder what will happen next! Well we don’t have to wait because issue #2 is already fucking out. But I’m a lazy ass bitch and I only posted this recap today!!
HOW DID YOU LIKE ISSUE #1?? Are you sticking around for Issue 2?? What do you think of Bitch Boy???
Comic Book Bitch 