Eternals Fans Hungry For Blood After Post-Credits Scene Is Spoiled Online
Tell me why you had to fucking do that to me?
So, the Eternals finally made its world premiere on October 19th, which I will now be referring to as D-Day. As it is the day I died of anger, frustration, and hope for the future.
After the red carpet screening, one fucking loser ass journalist who thinks he’s fucking cool decided to FUCKING SPOIL EVERYTHING
A POST-CREDIT SCENE. And if you don’t know what the fuck was spoiled then please do not continue reading, because maybe you can have happiness one day. I certainly cannot.
Literally, this spoiler almost seems planted. Because how the fuck did they keep this under wraps for so fucking long?
Do you know what I’m talking about or are you ready to be spoiled friend? Literally stop. Stop now if you don’t know. This is your last warning. I only wish I had had such a warning.
Ugh I can’t even be happy about it. The one and only Harry Styles is now a part of the MCU as Eros, brother of that purple-dicked Thanos and cousin to Athena, aka Angelia Jolie.
I can only imagine how much I would have screamed and cried while watching that post credit scene but alas I’ll never get to enjoy it because it was fucking spoiled for me by some dumbass who works for Variety or whatever and I will never read Variety again, because literally I will never forgive anyone for this. LITERALLY NEVER. After the rude ass spoiler tweet was splashed across Twitter timelines everywhere, other outlets decided to tell people too. Just like me. Wow, the victim has become the victomer. Or wait? Idk I’m drunk.
I could have been happy. I could have cried tears of joy seeing Harry Styles revealed as Eros, but instead Disney decided that they want Harry Styles’ fans money. FUCK OUTTA HERE.
LET US FANS OF MARVEL WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE AND BE EXCITED. And then when we have all seen Eternals and the post credit scenes then some hack from an entertainment magazine can tweet out what happens. Then those fucking Harry Styles stans can pay their parents money to go see the god damn movie. You just want a good opening weekend and you assumed that Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek couldn’t bring in those numbers. And for that I am ashamed of Marvel.
I am ashamed to be an MCU fan, and I literally don’t even think I’m being dramatic. Death to nameless twitter guy, I blocked him on Twitter already though so don’t fucking worry. Pretty sure I reported his ass too.
I am so sorry to everyone that would have loved to find this out by themselves.
Pretty excited to see what happens in Season 3! I can’t get the image of Starlight, Kimiko, and Queen Maeve kicking the shit out of Stormfront out of my head.
GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!
I guess Stormfront is still alive according to the show’s creator. I wonder how she will play into season 3 if they decide to bring her back?? Can she regrow limbs or is she going to be crawling around without legs and arms and an eye?
This could definitely be there moment to rebuild her into a cyborg.
No arm? No eye? No problem!!
Let’s pray all the new Disney+ Marvel shows keep me alive long enough to see this new season!!! I will give anything to see Jack Quaid act in anything! Give him everything and protect Hughie Campbell at all costs!!
For all your comic book news, comic book resources, and The Boys updates
The first issue of this comic book by Jonathan Maberry really got me interested in this series, in the second part of the story we find out more about who is behind the Chika-who-da-whats-its virus. And it’s white people. SPOILER.
In the last issue we learned that Moses set up a group of people together to find out who is behind this contagion that has killed 800,000 people. And Chick and De are on it.
Ooo a skylight! Fancy!
They scope out a science HQ and drop in. Chick thinks it’s going to be easy, but De knows that they need proof. So that’s their main mission. Get in without taking too many lives, and get out with proof that these a-holes are behind an ethnic genocide using bio-weapons.
What’s so interesting about this story is it happens all the time in the world, perhaps not to this scale, but ethnic groups are targeted by people with more money or more technology all the time. I mean, America was literally created by decimating groups of brown people by white people bringing in their nasty-ass plagues because they used to live on streets with poop on them. Plus they were infested with all kinds of STIs cause they hoes which they happily passed onto these brown people who have no tolerance for it. So that was cool. ANYWAYS, I digress.
Does anyone else love how eloquently I write?
Chick and De come in hot, blowing up these scientists and their security guards left and right. Chick is like “this is fun.” De is like “Um we need someone alive to question.”
How many deaths do you think, these two are responsible for? Ironic.
Chick and De find a scientist to question. He tells them that the people responsible call themselves the “Ark” and forced the scientists into creating these viruses through extortion and blackmail. He mentioned that they possessed “photos” so you know, they were probably cheating on their wives with transgender hookers or looking at kiddie porn online. Most men are terrible.
The scientist tells them everything about who hired them and the different viruses his team created and targeted. But sadly, they can’t take him with them because he gets shot in the head by a snyper. A dumb snyper who doesn’t shoot the other two. Like, hello? Shoot De and Chick. Anyways, they left a bomb inside the place so I guess that was supposed to take care of them, but it didn’t because they didn’t make it back inside before the bomb exploded. So now they don’t have evidence, except what they heard from the guy who is dead now. They should have worn body cams. JUST MY OPINION.
I like this panel because the blood from the guys head keeps dripping down and then Chick says this insane thing. Which I am going to start saying all the time.
De and Chick return to their HQ without a scientist, without samples, without any evidence since it was all blown up and/or shot in the head. The people at the HQ discuss their next steps.
Moses: We need evidence and since Pandemica is unofficial we can’t ask for samples.
De: We’ll just kill a bunch of people and get the samples that way.
Chick: Loverboy is on their team. He scares me. I keep his photo with me always.
Me and Loverboy are the bestest friends.
Scientist: So, as it turns out these viruses also cause random mutations in differing people. It’s only a matter of time before these mutations become extreme. Like in this photo, comic book betch is going to show you below.
Yum.
CUT TO:
INT: The Ark – Day
The billionaire guy from issue #1 and his evil daughter are speaking with one of their scientists discussing these new mutations.
Billionaire Guy: What’s happening, why are white people mutating?
Scientist: There is no such thing as ethnic purity.
Evil Daughter: Um, actually everyone with white skin is ethnically pure except for Jews. Idiot. Haven’t you ever read books by these racists, Arthur de Gobineu and Hans Gunther!? They say Eugenics is the shit. And I’m here to tell you, absolutely fuck yeah. If these white people are mutating it’s because they have mud in their blood. I’m going to start calling them Mudbloods.
Scientist: Mudbloods is a made-up slur for witches and wizards born to muggles in the Harry Potter universe.
ED: Oh then, I’ll call them No-Majs.
Scientist: What? That is less offensive, but it’s a term for muggles in America-
ED: I’m not understanding.
Scientist: Anyways, these viruses are mutating white people which are dangerous to the population and you’ve basically started an apocalypse. That’s where this story is going now. Please follow along.
I think you mean, Mudblood, Dad.
We’re done with that scene, next up Moses and the Scientist he has put on some bio-suits and go into the wild for some samples.
These “dirty white” mutants have taken over a bunch of cities, like Washington DC and Philadelphia.
Other than not being cute and causing riots, I am unsure of what they do.
The Pandemica crew discusses how unhelpful their government in America is, since these outbreaks are happening in 32 states and many people are dying, and the government is simply calling it a “natural disaster.”
De believes that is the Ark blackmailed their scientists they probably blackmailed some key people in Washington. They decide to take what they know to the media instead of relying on the government for support. And what they know is that being white isn’t enough when it comes to bio-weapons. The disproportionate numbers come from, most likely, vaccinations beforehand. So what they need is the blood of the ones who have survived these outbreaks. Moses says that won’t work because people can refuse to have their blood drawn. De and Chick said, that’s not a problem for them because they don’t need permission.
PIZZAA!!!!!!!
Back to the white baddies. They’re at some sort of white person soiree. And one of their friends is mutating from these diseases they unleashed. It turns out that The billionaire guy has a “bloodhound” that MIGHT be able to stop the mutations. But it might also kill all the white people, too. The BG doesn’t care though because he believes himself to be a chosen one from God or something.
Hey, nobody said racists were smart, ok?
Then we do another cut-to, to the future this time. De is carrying a baby in a hazmat suit. As it turns out, this bloodhound completely destroyed the world as we know it and the key to something lies in the baby’s blood. But De can’t let the baby fall into the wrong hands, so she is protecting her. But then this happens.
Ruh-Roh!
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
Don’t trust gingers.
K, thanks for reading! SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! If you liked this go ahead and leave me a comment!
I’m sure the full story will be good but issue one was just boring.
They probably should have made it into a graphic novel because I would need to see it as a full story.
That being said, the art was really pretty and it seemed like a very dark comic book that is about to get a lot more interesting.
I hope.
Jesus it feels like Maria Llovet just sent out an unfinished copy and was like “um, idk here you go, Boom Studios. Just Print that. I’ll figure something else out later.”
And we know you’re good for it Maria. We do.
Anyways!!!
Here are the four things that actually happened in this comic book.
We meet our protagonist, in the first few pages. She fancies eye patches and lives in a dirty and dingy home with her pill-popping mother who also wears a nurse outfit and has a second maid outfit, so I’m assuming by her wardrobe she is a stripper or prostitute. Or she is a nurse with a second job cleaning houses. But don’t we pay nurses enough money that they can afford to be single and raise one child? I feel like all the nurses in the world are single and raising one kid.
Anyways the main bitch is named Eva and her mom works two jobs to send her to a fancy school that she needs a scholarship for and she wakes her mom up to sign the forms then she heads off to school.
She enters through a service door and sees this rude ass bitch with pink hair inside. Her name is violeta and I guess that’s why she did that to her hair. She is rude af and tells Eva that she doesn’t have any class and then Eva is like I don’t have time for this shit, and Violeta I think tries to stop her from leaving this weird shed they’re in but she runs out anyway calling after this dude Mack.
Who has five fingers and is ready to slap them across your face??
She meets up with Mack and she’s all out of breath, but she didn’t even run that far. She’s super dramatic this one. Anyways their conservation goes like this
Mack: breathe you weirdo.
Eva: sorry
Mack: have you seen my sister?
Eva: no, but look over there.
Then there’s a weird close up on a girl that is not his sister, amber. And she is just minding her own business reading a book or something.
Mack: okay tell your mom I said hi, bye now.
This bitch is not Amber
That bitch Amber. Which begs the question. Who dat other bitch?
So then Mack grabs his sister and is like “you left your homework at home.” And she says “I told you I wouldn’t do it.” And he says “well here it is bitch.” And he hands her a rolled up thing of papers. V ominous. But I gotta say, pretty sweet you got your brother to do your homework for you.
So cut to the next scene, were back with that one girl, but she has short hair so she might be a guy, I don’t know. Stop asking me to assign genders to people. So the short-haired person, lets call them Not-Amber, Not Amber gets their own scene in which they pick up a dead bird and start rubbing it with two fingers. Not creepy at all Not-Amber. You’re being so normal!
You’re almost acting too normal, dial it back a little.
Now they’re in choir and singing. Also I guess Not-Amber is a boy because now he’s wearing the boys uniform. But he’s so dang pretty. And those look like small boobs up there 👆. I’m still waiting on confirmation.
Eva goes to class and stares at Not-Amber throughout the whole thing while her classmates throw trash on her.
Then Eva turns in her scholarship forms to the lady from the hunger games. I guess she works at this fancy high school now.
Let the games begin!
It turns out Eva is pretty unpopular, from being accosted in a shed, to getting trash thrown on her. Next she gets made fun of for being poor by a group of girls who think her shirt color is off. But honestly it’s the same color as their dumb shirts.
She sits outside eating chocolate bars for lunch and then she goes to the library to creep on Not-Amber again.
When Eva gets home she gets undressed and eats more chocolate and plays with the bruises that cover her body. It turns out she had a black eye which is why she wore the eye patch around. So I don’t really know who is hurting her? Or if she hurts herself? Maybe she got bruised from the trash that was thrown at her? Idk.
Hi, I’m Eva just your average teenage girl that hangs skeletons from my ceiling and eats chocolate for every meal!
She goes home and writes a suicide note and posts it on Facebook. Then proceeds to draw fake blood on her body with a red marker. Yeah, I’m beginning to see why this girl has no friends.
Anyways she has to go clean something for some reason and i think she has to either go to Amber and Mack’s house cause he mom is the maid there or she goes back to school. Either way she finds Not Amber drinking the blood of Amber. Eva freaks out, takes a picture and then drops all of her cleaning supplies. Like, could you be anymore obvious?
This is so beautiful and terrifying all at once
She then goes home and stares at the picture in a corner of her room and is happy now? I think?
I’m not someone who finds meaning in things easily. And the fact that reading this requires multiple brain neurons I have not succeeded fully in understanding what actually happened. I will say that I do want to read more just because it is Maria Llovet. I think it will be better when the whole series comes together. I might wait a few months and then catch up on the issues. What about you? Did you like the first issue? Are you excited for what’s coming up??? Do you want to find out once and for all who or what Not-Amber is?? And why they were eating Amber???
I got a new one for ya. This shit looks good. It is by DC and it is of the Green Lantern variety.
For those of you new to Comic Book Betch, I recap comic books terribly and make fun of everything, but I do love comic books and want everyone to read them. It’s called satire, people. Now that you’re all caught up, let’s just talk about it? K!?!
Far Sector #1 is a “mind-bending mystery” that takes us to “the edge of the universe.”
This book is written by N.K. Jemisin (who is smarter and cooler than me) with art by Jamal Campbell.
The majority of the dialogue in this comic book is this Green Lantern betch, Sojourner “Jo” Mullein, talking to herself and from now on we shall be referring to her as GREEN LANTERN BETCH. NOW TO THE STORY.
SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WUZ, a murder takes place for the first time in 500 years.
omg your cape is the same colour as your glasses!!
ALSO we are in the future or something and on another planet. I think you should know that. We will find out more about this place later. For now let’s focus on this G.
GL Betch is trying to solve a murder, however as she talks to this robot citizen she realizes that the city is not really equipped for this kind of situation. Since crimes do not occur they don’t have the manpower, facilities, or forensics for this type of shit.
Green Latern or GL Betch is talking to this robot again and the robot is like “I don’t know what to do!!” And she’s like “Yeah, I know, bitch. Get your forensics team on this and once you identify who the body is notify their kin. PS. I don’t know what I’m doing either because this is the first murder I have ever worked on. So, I hope that inspires a lot of confidence from ya’ll.”
IT’S RAINING AND ONLY ONE PIECE OF HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT OF PLACE!! JEALOUS!!
So the place GL Betch has landed is a city much like Manhattan and, much like Manhattan, it is home to 20 billion people.
The city is aptly named “The City of the Enduring.” And GLB is like these citizens need to get it together because this is only the beginning of a series of murders that are about to take place up in this bitch.
She doesn’t have much time to educate these peoples and after she lets them know all the two things she knows about forensics she has to meet with the “Peace Captain.”
The sky at the City of the Enduring isn’t real, it’s made up by the combined thoughts of the citizens. So weird. It is a shielded planet and it keeps out anything that could hurt the people of this enduring city. The Peace Captain’s name is Syzn of the Cliffs, By the Streaking Ice. Which is annoying.
I’m contemplating my perfectly coiffed hair and how it relates to society.
Syzn takes our hero to meet with the Trilogy which is something like their Supreme Court or Ruling Court. Whatever. It’s made up of three rulers from the three different races that live in the City of the Enduring. To me, three races is not enough races, but whatever. I’m thinking they maybe overarching races from different planets, like humans, aliens, and robots or something.
The Nah race is headed by this hot guy with dread locks and a douche-bag smile. The @At are led by this IG hoe, and keh-Topli are led by this hungry and dead-looking monster man. Out of all of them, I hate the hungry, dead man so far.
Does the keh-Topli guy have flower clips in his hair?
Anyways GLB sits down with these betches and the first to acknowledge their presence is @At girl. All I can think about when I see @At are those Star Wars giraffes.
Is there a tiny crashing car on the right side of this photo?
Anyways, this betch is like “we can’t wait to hear your report, human”
And GLB is like “Well, hoe, I already sent you the report so just read it or download it or whatever the fuck it is YOU PEOPLE do. Now someone get me a fucking chair, I am important.”
Hey Spliff! Thanks for popping off ya little scamp.
So GLB easily insults everyone in the room before taking her seat, so Syzn decides to introduce GLB to everyone so that GLB will realize that she can’t talk shit to such important people. GLB sort of phased that she insulted them but not really, because she a bad bitch.
NOW, after all of the boring introductions are made she goes on to think to herself that the hot Nah guy is a pompous asshole and that the keh-Topli dude is just gross. She a judgmental ass hoe and I’m on her side. Fuck politeness as they would say in my favorite podcast ever. Let’s move on shall we?
Yeah, you’re hot. But look at me. Maybe we both have good hair, but look at these fucking glasses. And white gloves. Not a fucking stain on them. You couldn’t wear white gloves. Ass.
They finally discuss the murder and find out who the victim is and what happened to him. He was an average white guy that no one will miss and it turns out that he was half-eaten. The gross dude who is the head of the keh-Topli is like “OMG that sounds like something my people would do!” and GLB is like “yeah we already know who did it. But get this, it’s going to keep happening. It’s not over. THIS ISN’T AN ISOLATED INCIDENT!”
So the Trilogy is taken aback because they have the girl whodunnit and found his remains in his stomach and everything, but they don’t know why he did it.
GLB says that it’s the first incident in the beginning of a killing epidemic. And then she gets all serious.
HOW DO WE PREVENT THE NEXT ONE CAUSE IT’S HAPPENING BABY OR ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG COMIC SERIES AT DC! HOES!
Instead of thinking about how they would prevent one, GLB decides to let us know how the City of the Enduring came to be. As it turns out these three species grew up around the same time and became besties. But then an evil empire came down and turned them against each other. OH NO!
So then bestie turned against bestie. Until the besties decided that they knew who the true enemy was: their emotions. So they turned them off and returned to peace.
None of the Trilogy have feelings, but they kinda do I think. Anyways GLB is all “I still have feelings.” OKAY WE GET IT.
So I guess they decided that a drug was behind the murder because this person clearly had feelings. And GLB asks @AT to figure it out, but her people can’t and did a deep download within seconds, and GLB is pissed that @At couldn’t find out anything. Then @At almost calls her a meat salad and GLB is like “what bitch?” And @At is like “I didn’t say it, I almost said it. K thanks Bye.”
Oh yeah, they destroyed two planets.
GLB is sick of their bullshit and takes to the streets. Syzn is like “where are you going?” And GLB is like “to talk to the murderer first and then the other people that live here because clearly you hoes are out of touch with reality and I need to get on the ground floor of this mess”
I’m going to talk to the poors of the city. Lend me a dollar so I may wave it around their faces until they bite.
You go, Glenn Coco.
Then GLB has this memory of when she got the Green Lantern Ring. And we care.
My lipstick is Retro Matte Liquid by Mac Cosmetics
After GLB decides to leave the meeting she is followed out by the hot douche bag from the Nah people and he basically asks her out on a date.
Are the wings and tail a part of your jacket or a part of your body, because in either case, let’s talk.
She decides that he’s going to be a problem and runs away from him because she has shit to do.
She wants to speak to murderer but she runs into this annoying ass assistant that Syzn told should keep tabs on our hero. She says she just wants to speak to the suspect and the assistant is all “we all tried talking to her but she is asleep.” And GLB is like “oh, a food coma” and the assistant is like “wuh?”
A FOOD COMA! When you pass out after a large meal. Like, Thanksgiving. BOOM.
They go together to where the suspect is being held and find her to be split open and something that is blurred jumps out of the body. Green Lantern is like “oh fuck “and the assistant is like “I’m a little bitch boy what do I do?” And Green Lantern says “Get the fuck outta my way.” And he fist glows.
Just wow. I feel a I did a piss-poor job in explaining this comic book. But it is definitely something I recommend to check out. This is a fantastic fucking writer we are talking about and this is bound to be good. I love the protagonist because she isn’t written like a normal comic book character. She doesn’t come off as headstrong or overly emotional like other female characters feel when written by male writers. Yeah, I’m going there. She just seems normal. Like any other hero I could get behind. Yay for ladies writing ladies!
I honestly cannot get over how well the character is already written. And how female characters are inserted into this comic book. I know I’m hyper aware of the lack of strong, female characters in all forms of literature, but this really gives me hope for the future. This is a character that I am already behind and ready to learn more about. I can’t wait to read issue #2!
What did you think of this comic book? What are you guys reading now?? Anything you’d like me to recap, terribly?? Let me know in the comments!
Mainly because it began with a nod to Regina George.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Okay betches, we outchea. Let’s talk about Dead Eyes Issue #1 from Image.
Another fucking banger from Image. Damn. Are we proud or what?
Look. They just wrote it out.
These guys were like, listen, this comic book betch really fucking hates having to type out everything about who wrote this shit that she is “invested in” and “truly enjoys” so you would think she would lovee to take a second out of her measley fucking day to thank us for bringing her hours of entertainment that she then makes fun of on her mediocre “blog.”
Wow guys, fucking rude. But I do appreciate the thoughtfulness. Thank you again for dedicating an entire page of the book to just your names.
Why am I having a fight in my head with the editors of Image? I really can’t even begin to hash this out. Someone remind me to talk to my therapist about this. And by therapist, I mean my best friend’s dog.
Yeah, I don’t even have my own dog.
Don’t remind me.
So I’m super into this comic book. I really only got it, honestly based on the cover. It reminded me of Sin City/ Watchmen type shit and I was down for that.
It is right up those comics ally though, because it is filled with intrigue, thuggish fiends, and a male protagonist that has a gold-plated heart of blacknesses. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
Anyways, as a basic betch, I was super into how it started. Everyone was talking about Dead Eyes like he was the Regina George of Boston. They said shit like “his hair is insured for $10,000” and “I hear he does car commercials in Japan” and “omg one time he punched me in the face, it was awesome.”
One time he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.
They go on to say that he was basically a Robin Hood type since he robbed big businesses and drug dealers. According to the news, he made one big steal for 10 million dollars and that he hasn’t been seen since 1997. They undercut the footage of them saying 10 million and cut to a guy sitting in the dark watching the news saying 12 million. So I guess he stole that from that guy.
I want a tamale. That is all.
CUT TO: What dead eyes is up to present day. He lives in a little house in Boston with his lady, Megan. Megan is in a wheelchair and he has hemorrhoids. So things have not been going great. Megan is watching TV in her wheelchair and she’s excited because they’re talking about her mans on the telly. #DeadEyesIsBae
I also prefer to face a wall when the TV is on. WAY TO GO, MEGAN!
The news story is basically highlighting all of his crazy ass vigilante bs. And he gets in the shower and says the 90s weren’t as fun as they’re making it out to be on the news.
Aw. Sad.
Anyways, now the Dead Eyes vigilante is just some dork with a sweater vest. And he has to spoon-feed his girlfriend. Which goes to show how good a guy this vigilante really is. BECAUSE VIGILANTES ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN COPS. ALL COPS DO IS SHOOT BLACK PEOPLE AND EAT DOUGHNUTS. THERE I SAID IT. omg you know what would be really funny? Like a sketch where these cops, I wanna say one is definitely played by Kenan Thompson (cause it would only work if the cop was black otherwise it would be a hate crime kinda sketch and racists would be like this is great completely missing the point that it is satire folks!) and the other one is hmmm idk either Pete Davidson or Kyle Mooney I’m leaning Kyle Mooney, and its like the first day for Kyle, and Kenan’s character is like “it’s pretty straightforward man, we basically chill out and eat doughnuts until there is some sort of emergency.” And then a black man approaches asking for help and Kenan just shoots him and Kyle is like “whoa what the fuck he just needed help!” and Kenan is like “idk man it’s just protocol.” And then maybe the black guy looked a little seedy idk. But then it gets increasing more obvious that they’re just shooting black people for no reason, because then it’s a black woman and then it’s black children. IDK. That would probably not make it to air, but I’m laughing. Oh God. Should I delete this? I’m sorry you had to read that. I have a dark sense of humor I suppose. It certainly would never make it to air because it makes light of a controversial and very sad VERY REAL situation sorry to get political. I hate cops. I DIGRESS.
A FEEDER KINK
They’re in love I guess. She refuses to eat the veggies he cooked which is shitty and I’m pretty sure she still can use her hands so I don’t understand why he is spoon-feeding her. I’m highly disturbed because it’s probably a kink. IDK.
Anyways, she tells him he’s going to be late for “tee time” which I originally read as “tea time” and I was like “oh shit they’re british.” but then he grabbed some golf clubs and left the house. HOWMEVER, it turns out he doesn’t go golfing everyday. He goes to greet people at the MART. He’s an old man greeter for Wal-Mart. Something that, my father who is in his 70s, cannot ever do because he is not genial enough. BUT APPARENTLY THIS MURDERER CAN.
Anyways he lies to his bitch because she’d be sad if she knew what he was really doing I guess. IDK. Boys are dumb.
These tiny, old houses next to that modern apartment building. SO fucking accurate.
So they ran out of money and now he hangs out at the Mart to make some extra dough but he vigilantes on the side ’cause in this economic climate everybody need a side hustle : See Comic Book Betch Blog. He uses the Mart as his way to find people to murder. For example, he finds first-time murderers all the freaking time!
Because their carts all look the same.
Oooo Drain-o can get rid of a body?? NOTE TO SELF!
So he swoops in and realizes that he’s seen this guy before with the same cart. Only this time his head is shaved. But he still recognizes him. He decides that he will check the guy out so he tells the cashier he is going to that the boss wants to talk to her so he can check the murderer guy out instead. The guy tries to pay in cash and Dead Eyes is all “oh sorry can’t do cash because the girl I booted out of here is in charge of the register so you can pay by credit and I’ll need to see an ID. SMOOTH AF. ANd the mo fucka almost does it. He gives the card and so Dead Eyes gets the name and then hands over the ID and Dead Eyes gets his address. Then the murderer guy is like actually I’m not going to pay by credit card and nopes the fuck out of there. Dead Eyes is all “okay, cool.” but deep down he’s like “Bitch I got yo address.”
Is he a fucking ginger? I literally did not even realize until this moment.
So Dead Eyes decides to go to that address after his shift I guess and he confronts the murderer man.
Thank God you wear a mask, you no soul-having ass ginger.
He enters the house as the crazy-ass mother fucker he is.
He smells something bad and follows his nose towards it. He finds a locked door, but before he can open it he is discovered. Also the guy has a knife with him. WHO WALKS AROUND THEIR HOUSE WITH A KNIFE? JUST ME? OKAY.
But Dead Eyes was expecting to get caught so he ready for him.
Oh, pleased to meet you. I’m Dead Eyes.
So they fight. Dead Eyes wins. Otherwise, this would be a very short run of comics. But he lets him live. However another dude, the guys partner or roommate whatever shows up and that would have taken Dead Eyes by surprise but as it turns out the roommate is a big fan of Dead Eyes and freaks out for a second which gives Dead Eyes the upper hand to murder his ass. But not kill him. Just to punch the ground on which he stands.
OUCH MY FLOOR!
So yeah he beats them up and they’re like please let us live and he’s like okay I’ll let you live whatever. Then he goes to the locked basement door or whatever and finds whats in there. And it’s three girls living in filth. So he decides to not let the dudes live and instead he murders them because yeah you can’t have dudes like these walking around the earth.
The craziest shit about this is that this really happens. SMFH.
So yeah Dead Eyes finishes the job and calls 911 because he’s a vigilante and can’t bring these hoes to safety. So he drives home. The cops don’t bother him because he’s just an old white man driving on the road and he gets home but Megan is awake and she knows something is up.
SITUATION: Your BF comes home at 4am smelling like blood and sweat. WHAT DO YOU DO?? A: He must be a vigilante fighting for justice! YAY! B: Are fucking serious, n*gga? Pack your shit and go motha fucka. TO THE LEFT!
Dead Eyes has to explain himself to Megan, she’s upset because she doesn’t want him putting himself in danger I guess. IDK. I can’t place her feelings because she immediately has a seizure.
AND HER SHOES ARE FALLING OFF!
CUT TO: That one guy who said “12 million” earlier but now he has more friends and they are still hanging out in the dark. Fucking kinky ass weirdos. I’m a kink-shamer btw. Don’t share unless you wanna be grilled.
They discuss that the women that dead eyes saved described their savior as having “dead eyes” oooo. So now these white men know that this other vigilante white man is back. And they’re shaking in their expensive ass boots.
This bitch is so Audacious he really think this guy has been living under a rock instead of his tiny house. Wow, he a real ass-bitch.
OOOO MAYBE! Anyways I’m intrigued. I’m V into this new series MEOW. I have many books to read coming up. If you want me to recap something you’ve read please let me know in the comments.
Once in a while I stumble across a comic book that really gets me thinking. Pandemica is one of those.
I was blown away by the awesomeness of this comic book, but when I shared the plot with a friend of mine he said it was a bit too “on the nose” for his taste. Well, now YOU can be the judges of that. For me, Pandemica was the fucking shit. For him, it was just shit. So I definitely want to know ya’lls opinion.
Now for the thankings. This story was written by Jonathan Maberry. ART by Alex Sanchez. COLORS by Jay Fotos. LETTERS by Shawn Lee.
We begin with Chapter 1: APTLY TITLED- GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS.
Which honestly, would be such a great name for a hip hop album, but I digress.
We begin two months ago with this dude or female IDFK in a hazmat suit pouring some green liquid into the pipes of detention complex while one lone and old ass security guard walks around with a gun not noticing shit. The mission was so easy that he is legit in and out.
He looks so guilty.
So, cut to, all of these detainees, dead and their bodies in bags. None of the guards were hurt by it, none of the staff of the detention just the fucking prisoners. It is baffling.
What is in the plug.
Now the news got hold of it and some fat man with a cigar that gives off way too much smoke is talking to his daughter about the news and what they’re saying. I’m assuming these two are the bad guys because they’re upset that the media figured it out. BUT HOW THE FUCK WOULDN’T THE MEDIA FIGURE IT OUT. THEY’RE BEING SO DAMN OPEN ABOUT IT. Yeah 90,000 people are dead. That’s fine. Look the other way.
Daddy, look we’re on TV!!
Let me explain,
The news guy is all “CHIKUNGUNYA is a virus usually spread by bug bites that had a mortality rate of one in a thousand, but there is a new strain of it, (New strain as in someone fucked with the original strain and weaponized it) that has a mortality rate of 70%. The pattern of its spreading makes absolutely no fucking sense because only certain people are dying from it. Like tribes that are literally right next to each other, one will die and the other tribe will have no deaths. And places that are getting hit are detention centers filled with immigrants, poor neighborhoods in Mexico, in Haiti, Puerto Rico, poor areas of India. BASICALLY IF YOU ARE BROWN AND POOR THEN YOU ARE GETTING KILLED BY THIS VIRUS.
Hazmat Man 1: Whoa dude there’s like a camera here. Hazmat Man 2: Whooaaa.
(So, basically I’m next.)
Now there’s an interview with a handsome black newsman and one Mister Dr. Katz.
Dr. Katz believes this is a weaponized attack on the poorest people and people of color. The newsman is like “you’re quite bold to say that. It’s not possible.”
Nice suit, Edgar.
And Dr. Katz is all “Oh mother fucker it is possible look at all this damning evidence.”
And the newsman is like “What? Are you saying someone is deliberating mass murdering people?”
And Dr. Katz is like “Yeah. It’s not mother nature. She’s a bitch but she ain’t a racist. This is an ethnic bio-weapon. Someone is selling GENOCIDE.”
IT’S PRETTY FUCKING OBVIOUS, EDGAR!
BUHM BUH BUHHH!!!
Oh it’s so crazy and it hit me in the heart because damn we are so close to this happening and what a damn shame amiright? Like how scary!! America already kind of does this shit on not a bio-level attack, but they make it impossible for people of color to get decent paying jobs and insurance and education…and OMG WE ALREADY DO IT! DON’T YOU SEE???!! AMERICA IS PANDEMICA.
I digress again.
So, now everybody is worried about Dr. Katz because he went on TV and called out the higher ups for planting genocide attacks. And now all of the congressmen want him fired and the President is off tweeting about what a liar Dr. Katz is, so he decides to quit his job which I have no idea what his fucking job is. I guess he is a Doctor with a TV show or something. Anyways, he goes on multiple TV shows and speaks at multiple town halls getting the word out as best as he can. Luckily he is a secret millionaire. ALWAYS A V LUCKY THING TO BE.
So he decides to create a taskforce of doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers, and investigators so that he can get to the bottom of this genocide.
YEAH SO SCARED I’M SHAKING IN MY $5,000 SUIT! WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS I SPILL SOME COFFEE ON MY $6,300 SUIT!! COME ON!
BACK TO THE FAT MAN WITH THE CIGAR.
Now fat man is talking to a hit man named Loverboy. Loverboy chooses to wear a large winter jacket but no shirt underneath. He has very strong pecs and a six or maybe 8 pack while in a sitting position. So he is jacked. But it is never answered to why he doesn’t wear a shirt but chooses to wear a heavy jacket that he leaves open. I will be emailing the artists to ask them if this was an artistic choice or maybe I’ll email the writer and ask him if this is truly something the character of Loverboy would do, and then I would want to dive into his psyche to figure out why. Because, to me, this makes absolutely no fucking sense. OKAY THANKS BYE.
Redhead: Loverboy, did, um…did you forget to put on a shirt today?
Dr. Katz is on his car phone, ya know where you can talk on the phone but it comes out of the speaker of the car so you can keep your hands on 10 and 2? Eyes on the road buddy.
He decides to get the “band back together.” Seems he was on another special forces team. He’s not just a regular Doctor, he’s a cool doctor. SO he’s on the phone getting this special team together when a truck comes out of NOWHERE and hits him.
Whoops.
And that’s the first hit. He survives but the truck driver says he just left a bar so he’ll get arrested for drunk driving and they’ll deal with him in jail. UNFORTUNATELY FOR LOVERBOY Dr. Katz is a reformed alchoholic and no longer drinks. So he passes a breathalizer and asks the cop to check the traffic cam. The traffic cam doesn’t have any footage conveniently so Dr. Katz goes home.
Loverboy says there are other ways to kill him, so give him a week and Dr. MOSES Katz will be dead. A little too ON the NOSE of a first name as well, but we’ll let it happen.
The next day, Moses meets up with a woman that he used to work with. ON his special team or whatever. They meet up for coffee and discuss working together again she thinks his idea is illegal and she reminds him that after Syria their “team” stopped working together for good reason. Mostly the reason is that the team is dead except for one other guy and the other guy, “Chick” blames the woman for “what happened” and I believe the “what happened” is that all their team died.
This bitch nails’ are fleeky
She isn’t quite keen on joining him in his conspiracy theory thing, but she does find the accident to be a little “hinky” because the traffic cam wasn’t available so she agrees to investigate that at least.
She checks out a little bodega near where the accident occured. The man at the bodega says he does a camera that faces that way and he found it odd that the police did not want to check it.
She checks out the security footage and lets Moses know that he is not crazy and there is indeed someone following him and blah blah.
What she doesn’t know is that someone is following her too. She takes to the streets after making the call and a homeless man bumps into her and calls her a bitch, then these three people attack her.
OOO SHE DONE USED ONE GUYS BODY TO HIT ANOTHER GUY IN THE HEAD LOL
After beating all these people up she gets fired at by a gunman in a car. She pulls out her own gun and fires at the people who attacked her when she notices where the other gunfire is actually coming from. Loverboy is in the car. And guess what? She fucking knows him. FROM SYRIA. Omg they used to be friends. This goes DEEPER than we thought.
And a single tear fell from her eye. Okay it didn’t but they should have played that shit up.
De’neesa is the woman’s name, so I should probably start calling her that instead of woman, and she makes a call to “Chick” Chick is a ginger with freckles and he’s gross and I don’t trust him. He is also wearing an army uniform so that adds to my distrust. Never trust a man in uniform. ANYWAYS she makes a call to Chick and she’s like guess what Chick, I didn’t kill Loverboy he’s alive I saw him. And he’s like “well he must be a zombie then because we both saw him die.” Whatta fucking goon.
Hey, stay on your knees while I make this phone call? Thanks.
Anyways more convo:
D: So we took away a briefcase from the Russians, that was one of Loverboy’s tricks you know that one. He pulled that same one on me outside of the Bodega.
C: Okay, now I believe you because he used the same style to jump you as he did to the Russians. That’s all it took, I am 100% on your side now.
D: Loverboy’s death broke us apart, our entire team. But now we know that it was all a part of something bigger. He scammed us. This was part of his plan.
C: Well now I feel like a patsie. Whatever that is. I mourned him like a brother and he’s still alive according to you and this one story which I 100% agree with even though I saw nothing with my own eyes. And it does seem out of character for me as I held a grudge against you for several years but all of a sudden you call me and say “hey I didn’t kill loverboy he faked his death” and now everything is PEACHY.
D: Great. So uh, what you up to?
C: I heard about Moses’ conspiracy before this and honestly I’m dealing with the same thing over here in Africa or something. I caught these Bantu cocksuckers trying to dump some biohazard waste into a Congolese village. I’m going to go beat the shit out of them now, so I gotta go. See you soon, I’ll be on the first flight out. BAII!!!
D: Have fun!! Baiii!!
Even that guy who is about to get his ass beat is just rolling his eyes at how corny this Chick dude is.
NEXT SCENE
Moses and De’Neesa call a meeting so they can their new team together and it’s a bunch of weirdos and POC. THE RESISTANCE!!!
“Designer bio-weapons” by Givenchy out now.
Moses gives them a beautiful speech about how “We have to stop this” Because “no one else will” and because of Chick they now have the evidence to show that they are right.
Loverboy and the Fat man and his daughter the girl catch wind that Moses has now formed this team and they’re scared.
The daughter says that because they have what they sold to the Bantu they can reverse engineer it and tie it all back to them. Loverboy is like “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, doll.”
He don’t GAF. AND he is still not wearing a SHIRT!!
Shocking how they could fit the fat man in that small of a panel.
Halloween may be over, but apparently the comic book writers and artists of the world are not finished spooking the shit out of me yet.
I present to you, The Empty Man from Boom! Studios.
YIKES!
Written by Cullen Bunn (his name even sounds spooky) with artist Jesus Hervas (less spooky of a name, much more intimidating) , and cover art by Vanessa Del Ray (sounds like a strong woman’s name. Strong women are the scariest and most intimidating of all.)
So, if you are brave enough I bring you, The Empty Man Comic Book Recap #1.
In this world of the Empty Man, modern civilization is plagued by a deadly virus that creates psychopathic murderers.
We don’t quite meet the hero of our story just yet, she is narrating her experience.
Does anyone else see the disembodied woman in the back?
As she narrates how crazy she is feeling and how crazy everyone around her is acting we see panels of police battling civilians, several dead bodies hanging from a bridge, and her spooky-ass house.
Inside the house her husband and daughter are watching TV when they hear screams from upstairs. Obviously the narrator of our story. On the TV the news is on and continues to explain the deadliness of the Empty Man disease and urges the community to report any unusual behavior among their friends, neighbors, family, or themselves.
Those that are suffering from the disease have been quarantined in what looks like mental institutions, but are probably more likely to be concentration camps. Because America loves concentration camps.
As the narrator’s husband makes his way up the stairs to his wife, she continues to explain that because of the disease all of these “fringe” cults started to pop up and they began to worship the Empty Man sickness.
Melissa is our narrator and we finally meet her. She has been finger-painting the drab walls and created quite a subtle yet I would also say, dramatic work of modern art.
Who me? 🤓
Melissa claims that her work of genius was brought on by the presence of the Empty Man.
Her husband is like, “um you drew all of this in blood are you okay? I’m not seeing any cuts?” And she is like “yeah, don’t worry it’s not my blood.” Which completely dismisses my theory that it was menstrual blood from her vagina. I think they messed up and should’ve went with my theory. Instead they leave it open ended like MAYBE she killed someone…or something.
She goes on narrating more awful shit that’s happening around the country. I’m doing a horrible job of explaining it, but this comic book is wild. Buy it. Seriously buy it.
She said everyone in the world is kind of losing their minds because of the disease, but even if they don’t have the disease. Outside of the fringe cults that are worshipping the Empty Man there are people making suicide pacts, pretending that they have the disease so that they can commit murders and insane acts of violence, and there are murder cults popping up with all-white members and wearing MAGA hats.
That’s just too many white people
Meanwhile the government is trying real hard to find a cure and in the meantime the cops are just going around shooting unarmed black kids just in case.
After Melissa’s tiny bout of insanity she joins her family for breakfast the next morning. She seems a little on edge. Her daughter has been missing school, possibly to keep an eye on her, and now her father has decided to take some days off of work to watch the mom, Melissa.
Melissa is like “your dad is worried about me and that’s annoying because I’m totally fine.” Then she goes and picks up an apple to eat and looks for a knife to cut it but all the knives are gone. Smart move.
Except that she goes through a total and complete meltdown because she wants the knives. So her husband, Andrew is all “I’ll cut the fruit for you, sweetie.” And then Melissa tries to murder him right in front of her kid.
That’s just female empowerment
As Andrew and Melissa struggle, their daughter Vickie is just terrified and screaming, so her dad is like “just go to school, we’ll be fine sweetheart, hehe” as he picks Melissa up like a fussy child.
Vickie runs out of the house and into school. Her friends are all “hey bitch why didn’t you text me.” And Vickie is like “my phone battery died.” That’s the same excuse I use too.
Later in class all the kids have to take a special pop quiz to see if any of them are slowly going insane. Oh and there’s two men in black suits waiting in the classroom to take away anyone who fails, I guess. Scurry.
Back at home, Andrew is watching the damn news again. This time there is a scientist on to explain what the heck is going on.
Basically the scientist says that the victim of the virus gets a glimpse of the Empty Man and then begins to experience hallucinations of horrific acts of violence and terror. America, amiright? This comic book is the most spooky because it’s so similar to what is going on in the country right now. Ugh.
Anyways, the scientist continues to explain that some people enter a comatose state after seeing the hallucinations during which they hear someone speaking to them from afar. The newsman is like “You’re a scientist and you’re just spreading fear with this nonsense gives us some concrete shit.” And the scientist is like this is what the victims and their families have told me. That’s my research. GTFO. So he continues, “ if the victim wakes up from the comatose state they start committing acts of violence towards themselves or others. Then they die.
The newswoman is like “what about the people who are pretending to be victims of the disease? Do you think they’ll ease up on their bullshit now that quarantine is government-mandated?”
Andrew is pissed off and he angrily shuts off the TV.
Upstairs Melissa sees a group of people walking down the street, but she hallucinates them into being inside out or something and carrying pieces of bloody meat?
What in the squirrel is this bitch holding?
Melissa starts screaming for Andrew to let her out, but before he reaches the stairs he hears a knock at the door.
It’s the people that were walking down the street that Melissa saw as inside out people or whatever. They claim to want to help Andrew with Melissa’s illness. But the main guy seems a little creepster.
I don’t know what it is, but I trust this guy
Andrew says his wife ain’t sick, but they plow right past him and into the house. The creepy man is not with the government it seems, though he and his group apparently watch people like the government does. The group of people bumble around the house putting things down around the kitchen and Melissa starts yelling and then they all say “amen.” It’s weird.
The creepy guy asks Andrew if they can meet Melissa, Andrew is like, “um no? Please leave.” And the creepy guy is like “fine, but if we can find you, so can the authorities. Ta-ta!”
He didn’t say ta-ta but he seems like the type of guy who would.
So then we go back to the daughter, Vickie. She’s riding the bus home when she gets approached by two different creepy people who say they’re with the CDC and FBI. IDFK.
Is-is that the Sandman from Spider-Man? WTH
I’m assuming that’s the “authorities” that the creepy man was talking about.
Well now, this is a pretty good story. If you don’t think so then I did not tell it right. I think I know what’s going to happen next, but I definitely don’t know how this is gonna turn out. BUT I AM V EXCITED! Also the writer Cullen Bunn apparently wrote either this same Empty Man in 2014 or another story about it. Has anyone read it? Should I? Or will it spoil this one??
So this week I wasn’t really interested in any of the new line of comic books coming out. BUT I did want to read another that had come out last week. So this week, I bring you DEAD KINGS #1 published by Aftershock comics. Dead Kings was created by co-collobarators Steve Orlando who wrote it, and Matthew Dow Smith, who is the artist. The cover art was created by Russ Braun and Jose Villarrubia.
Dead Kings has been advertised in a lot of the comic books I have been reading so I was pleased when it came out. It wasn’t available in a lot of places because I guess it was super hyped up and a lot of people reserved a copy, but I was able to get one this week.
The comic book begins with a chick, Iustina, giving birth to twins while monsters fight outside her tiny cabin.
Are these monsters or robots? Orr???
As if pregnant bitches didn’t have enough to deal with already.
We’re introduced to a place called Thrice Nine and a town of Rus. Rus is all fucked up from the monsters fighting I guess and we’re told that all the kings of the past are dead and now their fucked-up courts who like to step on cats (really) rule the world or the kingdom or whatever.
YOU GODDAMN BASTARDS! That’s a living feline!!!
We are introduced to the hero of our story, Sasha. It’s some dirty, white man who is walking around Thrice Nine and a beggar, Lev, asks him for money. He’s like “no, but I’ll buy you food, come with me to this bar.”
So, our hero has made a new friend and they go into a bar together, unfortunately the bar keep already hates him. He calls them niners and is like why are you here. Sasha goes into this long tirade about how Rus was his mother, father, and lover (problematic) and the bartender is like “you’re lying.” and Sasha is like “Why, yes I am.” Sasha says the’s looking for Stone Mary and he basically doesn’t care that he’s being treated like shit here because he was a kid during the war and that the doesn’t have loyalty anywhere really so the barkeep is wasting his time.
Nobody really cares about Sasha’s reasoning for thinking he can just waltz into this territory and immediately a couple of goons sneak up behind Lev and Sasha.
Sasha is like we’re gonna have to fight these two, Lev. And Lev scarfs down some more food and is like “no thanks. Pay for that will you?” Oooowweeee I like Lev, he sassy. It is how I leave all of my first dates.
Bye Lev!
Luckily, Stone Mary comes up behind him and threatens him with a broken bottle to his face. Which is odd. I guess Stone Mary, if you say her name she just shows up. Like Beetlejuice except you only gotta say it once? Still trying to understand the character.
What’s up with that dudes pinky finger?
So Sasha hits on her and is like “can I buy you a drink?” And she’s like “ew, no. You can buy me breakfast, tomorrow.” So like a boss she lets him stay on her dime in this bar-hotel apparently for the night. I AM CONFUSED. Why is she letting him do this? Just because he’s looking for her and wants to talk?? Or because they are both niners?
The next day the two meet up and Stone Mary still has her broken bottle next to her.
We finally find out why Sasha is here and needs Stone Mary’s help. Apparently the left Thrice-Nine five years ago, but his twin brother Gena stayed with their mom. Gena then got sent to a concentration camp because he’s gay. So Sasha has set out to free Gena and send him back to his mother. And Sasha’s amazing plan was to replace his testicle with a bomb! Normal!
Sasha says the wants to do this before his mom turns 50. Stone Mary is like I’m 50 as well. She decides not to go on the mission with Sasha because there are thousands of stories like his and he ain’t special.
Ah she used to be a transformer.
Sasha tries to shoot his shot one more time and gives her a speech about how she is a hero and she didn’t turn on everyone like everyone else in the “Oprichinki” did and she has the power to liberate thousands. Stone Mary is like “nah still good.”
Sasha reflects on what he has to do for his mother, who as it turns out was the pregnant woman in the first scene, Iustina.
He gets stopped in the next scene for driving past curfew and wearing the clothes of old Thrice Nine or something.
The Oprichinki grab him and give him a nice little speech meanwhile Sasha is like “You guys are bitches. I just wanted to come see my mom. Rude.”
Tell Mama, I’m sorry
Then the Oprichinki arrest him and tell him they’re sending him to a concentration camp, and he’s like awesome, take me to Sochi.
They’re like Sochi? Like the olympics? No bitch, you’re not going there. You’re going somewhere…else!
BUM BUM BUHHH
And that was it. Pretty visually interesting comic book. I could see this as one of those dark TV shows on Netflix. You know the ones that are literally dark? Like you can barely tell what is going on in the show because you’re like “WTF is this a blue light? What are these shapes? Is anyone breathing?” You have no idea what these purple-lipped characters are really up to so I guess it adds to the mystery of the show as you wonder if you need to get a new TV or if the brightness setting is too low on your MacBook. Yeah one of those shows.
Loved it Aftershock, give me more.
Also, they threw this image in the book with no explanation. And I don’t have one for you either. But I am impressed with this woman’s libido.
This comic book takes place after the second super hero civil war has ended. Clint Barton has been acquitted for murdering Bruce Banner, Stark industries is in free fall and Star Lord is stranded on Earth… which is a foreign place to him after all these years. I mean, he was off fighting in the galaxy for a long time.
Alpha Flight has been kind enough to set Quill up with an apartment in New York, that he has immediately destroyed with scattered boxes of Chinese take-out and empty beer bottles. But Peter doesn’t really care for NYC, or Earth in general for that matter. He’d rather be in space where the raccoons can talk and the trees can walk.
Abigail Brand has been put in charge of keeping Peter Quill out of trouble or something? Maybe they chose her because she is green and he likes green ladies. IDK. But she shows up at his apartment and kicks his table so that his takeout flies out everywhere, which is so random and so weird of her. And what’s weirder he’s just like that’s fine. Um ok? I would be SO MAD if some girl came in my apartment while I was watching the news and having a beer and just kicked my table, possibly injuring me since his foot was right there! But I guess Peter Quill is a better person, than I. SO THEN she judges him for drinking at 11am then gives him a cell phone filled with “all of his Earth contacts” and tells him to get an afternoon beer with one of his friends and stay out of trouble. If she wants him to day drink then why was she being so judge-y about him having a beer at 11am? It’s quite possible there was a game on and he was pre-gaming for it.
She literally walked in and kicked him in the shin. WTF. This bitch cray
So this phone has two contacts in it, Kitty Pryde and Howard the Duck. So naturally he calls Howard the Duck. Then when he does, this duck has a complete meltdown while on the phone with him. Like he has a mental breakdown and starts freaking out about how he’s a duck and how Peter Quill is a hot ass guy. It is obviously jealousy but with a hint of homo-eroticism to it.
breathe, dude
Quill then heads to an art gallery in hopes that someone will mistake him for a Greek God statue. He meets a nice old lady who explains Van Gogh to him, then out of nowhere there’s Kitty Pryde and her pony-tail yelling at some tween mutants. Remember, Kitty is his only other contact. Oh and did I mention she is his ex-fiancee? That sort of seemed important to say. But as I continued the story, it turns out its not a big deal.
I have one note: Its effing NYC. You don’t run into people there. That’s why everyone has 4+ significant others. You will never be found out, so this makes very little sense to me, but fine. We’ll run with it Marvel. You’ve got me. I’m here already, I guess so let’s go.
So he gets into a public fight with her immediately, but not a fun one where they punch each other, a sad one where she calls him a child and runs away from him, ponytail bobbing, as he screams at her that he’s not creepy just because he wants to hang out with her. Then Old Man Logan shows up. He’s so adorable.
He’s so wittle
MEANWHILE
At Tiny Brondah’s ship stop ‘n’ more, Victoria of Spartax, Peter Quill’s half-sister and would be heir to Spartax if Quill hadn’t become King and actually drove Spartax into the ground… It be like that sometimes… is ordering some food. So as she’s waiting for her food, Victoria gets called out by this little alien nerd for being a royal heir and she’s like ‘shut up you’re annoying’ but he won’t shut up, and then out of nowhere this huuuuggggeeee guy walks in and starts making fun of her too for some reason, like ‘omg you’re poor haha.’ these aliens are dicks. seriously. So Victoria murders the large guy because he was being an asshat and takes her food to-go like a boss. This is what we in the industry like to call a B Storyline!
Back to the A-line, Peter tries to call Howard the Duck once more but it goes to voicemail. Just when you think he’s going to have to go home and drink alone again Logan shows up and they head to a gay bar together. What an unlikely duo. But as they start to divulge their feelings and secrets it turns out that they’re not so different… I have no time to explain so read the picture.
See they both don’t feel welcome on this Earth. BEST FRIENDS
Peter heads to the “can” and Logan catches a scent. Someone pulls out a gun but unfortunately he cannot shoot it into the crowd because Logan has already sliced his hand off. Peter joins in the fight and it’s at this moment that I notice his pants.
I have the same pair; they’re from Zara.
Luckily, Peter’s shirt gets ripped off during the fight. At some point the heroes wrastle the bad guys out of a window and onto the street. BUT THERE’S EVEN MORE BAD GUYS OUT THERE. So the bad guys start shooting at them, and so the heroes duck for cover behind a car, and Peter is like ‘hey logan why aren’t you out there just taking those bullets right now don’t you have a healing factor?’ and Logan is like ‘it’s funny now that I’m old I don’t like getting shot.’ Obviously it hurts him, Star*Loser! Also I feel this is foreshadowing, because as we learned from the Old Man Logan film his healing factor is slowing down. And stops…Did anyone just burst into tears thinking of the movie right there? No? Yeah me neither… So these bad guys are shooting everywhere and they hit a prostitute in the crossfire, which really angers the heroes. Logan goes on a murderous rage into the gunfire fighting off baddies while Peter saves the young prostitute.
Adorbs
Just when she says that she is okay, a vehicle comes ambling towards them at top speed with a cat behind the wheel. Star*Lord vaporizes this vehicle with his trusty ray-gun or whatever this gun is. Star*Lord looks around for Logan because they’ve won the battle (thanks to Logan leaving a trail of bodies) but… he can’t find him… however, he can find tons of police officers.
Aaaaannddd he gets arrested. The end.
INTRIGUE! PROSTITUTES! GAY BARS! HOWARD THE DUCK!
This comic book had it all. I laughed aloud once or thrice. Not gonna lie. Peter Quill, he’s cool in my book. Also what an amazing team up between Logan and Peter! Like it was totes adorbs. I have a sick problem where I find old people to be more adorable than children so I was squealing for joy during all the OML parts. I hope he’s in the rest of the issues of Star*Lord!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE! Luh ya.
Comic Book Bitch 