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Ant-Man and The Wasp #1 2018 – Comic Book Recap –

In the spirit of the new Ant-Man and Wasp movie coming out, I have decided to recap the Ant-Man and Wasp series that has been out for a couple of months now. I believe issue #3 came out this past Wednesday, so if you like what I have to say here then you can head to your local Comic book store and pick up all three issues today. Which is best because the worst part of comic books is waiting forever for the next issue. It is so sad and disheartening. It’s like worse than waiting for the next episode of your favorite TV show to come out. Ya know…cause lyke…its longer?

ANYWAYS. THIS COMIC BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY MARK WAID AND DRAWN BY JAVIER GARRON. WITH AN ACCENT MARK.

We get a brief introduction to the original Ant-Man and the Wasp. Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne the dynamic duo and married avenger couple. Then they’re all “This is not their story.” And thank God because The new Hank Pym is 35 and the new Wasp is a teenager. So shit is creepy if they were a couple.

 

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I very much enjoy how short the pants were of so many villains and heroes in the 1800s.

 

Their partnership reminds me of Hawkeye and Hawkeye, but with less kinship.

The real story begins with Scott Lang (Ant-Man) being on a weird ass planet cause he was on an adventure with the guardians of the galaxy and he needs to be saved by Nadia Van Dyne (Wasp). She doesn’t like him because Scott stole her dads Pym particle shit. But they’re sort of friends anyway.

He’s lyke, I have to go home cause it’s my daughters birthday and I got her this space flower.

So she’s lyke erm, fine.

 

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Who is this bald guy? WTF

 

And she takes this blaster and says he has to take off microscopically and she’ll catch him with this weird ass raygun.

Of course, he misses the window so she has to come to the planet to get him. OTHERWISE THERE WOULDNT BE A STORY NOW WOULD THERE!

 

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She got smaller lips than Kylie Jenner at 16.

 

So she lands on the creepy ass planet and they’re speaking this weird language. She finds Scott and she’s like um what are they saying. And he’s like omg you don’t have a translator? What an idiot. So he lets her borrow his and it turns out they’re chanting “souls, souls, souls.” Cause they think that Scott and Nadia stole their souls. Something about them wearing red. IDK they say a lot of weird shit in this comic book that you just have to accept and move on from.

 

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OMG NO RED?! BUT WE, WE ARE WEARING RED! HOW TERRIBLY INCONVENIENT!!

 

So Nadia is all, “we’re not stealing their souls!” And Scott is all, “Ya but this guy is.”

And its this really creepy goopy looking guy. And Nadia says they shouldn’t interfere because it’s not their planet and it’s probably the natural order of things and Scott is all “they’re in pain!” And Nadia says okay because she is a teenager and a 35-year-old white man told her it was a good idea and she assumed he was right because he is older and a man. WHAT A WORLD WE LIVE IN.

TURNS OUT HE’S AN IDIOT.

So they go after the goopy glob man. POW BANG. Ya know. Wasp charges him and he beats her down, then Scott is lyke well if you can’t do anything then I can’t either. So Wasp is all use light to kill him, dummy. And Scott doesn’t have his cell on him but he does have Pym particles so he blows up the guy with light particles.

 

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This glob man is a very lazy looking villain.

 

Unfortunately, all that explosions shit gets into Wasp’s eyes and she’s blind. And she’s the only who can “see” their way off this planet. SO HOHOHO the shit just got real.

 

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FIERCE LEWK BETCH! YA BEST BELIEVE IM COSPLAYING THIS SHIT

 

Does that mean she’s blind or is she very very high?

READ ISSUE #2 TO FIND OUT!

OUT NOW!!!

Also #3.

BAI!!!!!!!!!!!

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Deadpool Assassin #1 Recap

We all know Deadpool. Merc with a mouth. We all love him. And if you don’t you can get the fuck off this blog right now.

This issue is the #1 issue in a series of 6. I think. Which is great because I like these shorter stories that have proper endings n shit. SAGA WILL NEVER END THO THANK GOD!

So Deadpool is back to his roots basically of fighting for whoever has the biggest paycheck for him. His roots to me are his team up with Cable though. That was the first series I read where I fell completely in love with him. UGH it was sooo funny. True Masterpiece. All around great work. SPEAKING OF GREAT WORK. THIS PIECE OF SHIT WAS WRITTEN BY CULLEN BUNN AND THE MASTERFUL ART WAS CREATED BY MARK BAGLEY. BOOM.

###

Anyways out story begins with a group of soldiers or something on a plane about to make a drop or do something crazy in Bagalia and they’re reminiscing over the crazy times they had in Colombia. I wonder if they ran into Hit-Girl? Probs not because they would all be dead.

We don’t see Deadpool at first in the plane, but we do see his yellow caption bubbles.

 

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Vapors means hysteria btw. I looked it up. 

Cause he crazy. Remember when he had three personalities? What was that about?

Everyone is chatting and two men decide to talk shit about Deadpool right in front of him saying they don’t like him. Deadpool kinda looks at that ginger kid and assumes they’re talking about him. Which, he does have red hair so its possible.

Now Deadpool’s vapors have made him decide to murder everyone on the plane. Which can’t be the plan can it? The boss wanted Deadpool on the plane and all but why charter a whole plane in the sky and arm these dudes to the T and then place one mercenary on the plane to kill them all? Like if you’re gonna go through the trouble of getting a plane that you know is going to be destroyed and you’re totally fine with that, then just put a bomb on there or something.

ANYWAYS.

Deadpool stabs everyone while they shoot at him, which I don’t think gunshots are healthy for planes.

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Deadpool waxes poetically about how the gunfire is unnecessary, like not only is it damaging the plane, they don’t just pass through his body. Some of them get lodged. And he doesn’t have enough fiber in his diet to get them through.

Then he goes on to shoot the pilots despite the fact that he does not know how to pilot a plane. It turns out all of this happened because of something that came about a few days ago. When he met Weasel in a supermarket.

Wade/Deadpool is concerned that someone is out to get Weasel because the Weese is being a bit jumpier than usual. Then Wade nonchalantly mentions that when he retires he plans on continuing to make scenes in public places.

Weasel is like “you’re never quitting, just like I’m not. It’s in our blood,”

So Weasel gives him the job. Apparently, some scary monster that used to be a part of the HAND broke out from the hand and now he’s built his own army of ninjas. But everyone hates him because he broke free from the HAND and you can’t do that without dying. Like the Crips and Bloods or whatever. Crime lyfe is crazy.

Then Weese shows him the picture of the guy who was on the plane, Samson “Scars” Green. He runs his own mercenary “outfit” with soldiers from various bs outlets like Hydra and SHIELD.

Weasel is like which one do you want to murder because we can make a lot of money taking either one of them down.

That brings us back to doe. I mean the plane. He’s standing over the dead bodies of the dumb ass mercenaries, as his plane crashes down into the territory of the HAND runaway monster guy.

SO THEN The HAND guy is like “shoot it down” to his minions, and they make the plane explode, but it was all a part of the plan. Deadpool strapped all the dead bodies into these flying devices and attacks all the shojen soldiers or whatever the fuck they call themselves.

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Deadpool straps himself in too, but he’s still alive.

But he lyke broke his sword. 😦

 

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Told ya

 

He beats up these bald buddah wannabes and gets kinda upset because there are no ninjas.

Luckily if you think it they will come. So all these ninjas show up and he beats them all up!

 

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Wishes do come true.

From this scene we’re in Wade Wilson’s apartment and lil Weezy is there. With a name tag on that says “Jack” that sounds about right. The timeline is after the grocery store and before the plane. V CONFUSING.

Weseal shows Deadpool his new set of weapons and they’re pretty nice but you can be the judge.

 

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lil deadpool grenades! SO CUTEE!!

Weasel warns Deadpool that doing two jobs at once is a little much, but whatever. Then Deadpool is like “erm I told you I want to retire and put down roots somewhere. I need the money to get out of this apartment and buy an island. I WANNA GROW UP! I don’t get the same thrills from killing anymore. I wanna have babies and get married. REAL THRILLS.”

Just then Weasel takes a mysterious phone call from a stranger who is demanding a dozen of something. The convo is mad awkward and is reminiscent of when a friend of yours answers the phone call of their significant other whom they have not told you about yet. IN FACT, ITS EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

BACK TO NINJA KILLING.

Deadpool kills all the ninjas despite the fact that they all have iron fists. Spoiler. He throws his baby deadpool grenades at them and they explode and their body parts fly everywhere!

Deadpool catches one iron and fist and says hrm.

 

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I WANT ONE TOO!

Deadpool comes face to face with the Monster man who has tentacles btw. Weird. Anyways their convo is like this.

Monster: You look like you’re about to keel over and die.

DP: Probs.

Monster: You think you’re gonna win?

DP: No. I just assumed you would see what I did to your whole crew of ninjas and baby Buddhas and just run away?

Monster: *Sticks tentacles into Deadpool’s stomach*

The monster brings Deadpool close to him and looks him in the eye as he has his tentacles piercing through him and Deadpool is all, “bad idea.”

Cause you know he has a glowing iron fist, So he punches the monster with it and lyke this happens.

 

 

 

 

 

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Into it.

Deadpool punches this guy and passes out after calling himself the Immoral Deadpoolfist, sworn defender of Pepe’s taco house, eater of multiple nacho baskets. etc, etc.

After he passes out from using that much power, we’re in a new scene where he’s riding in Weasel’s car. Wade/ DP scrounges around Weseal’s glove box and pulls out an ultra ugly gold wedding band. I don’t get it why do people get those? Anyways, Wade is like wtf you’re married am I the other woman?? And Weasel is like Clarice, my wife, doesn’t know about any of this. But I can’t give it up because being normal sucks. Then Wade is like you’ve got a good thing going, don’t fuck it up by staying in this merc business.

A few days later he’s on his couch texting weasel looking for jobs. But he never responds.

TO BE CONTINUED.

What did you guys think about this issue? I was unimpressed. The quips were okay, but all in all I think everything could have been better. It just seems a little surface level. Deadpool can be so much fun and this fell flat. I am unimpressed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas! -Comic book recap-

Hola mis amigos. Yo soy Comic Book Betch.

Okay, that’s as far as my Spanish goes. I stumbled upon this little bookaroo written by none other than Jon Favreau. And, correct me if I’m wrong, Happy his-damn-self. Also the director of the amazing Iron Man movies. Well, the first one was good anyway. I saw it three times in the theater because I am a mess of a person.

This is a Marvel Knights comic book, which means all of these events are taking place just outside of the Marvel Universe. And it’s easy to tell once we get into it.

The artist is Adi Granov and the art is very real. Like these characters look like real people and it really creeps me out. You’ll see.

So before we get started you should know that in this universe everyone thinks that Iron Man is Tony Stark’s bodyguard.

Let the re-story telling begin. Ahem. So ACTUALLY Elsa Bloodstone is here. She’s a bad betch as you may recall from my recap of her Zombie adventure. Now she’s blonde for some reason but ya know bitches can change their hair color from time to time. That’s fine. She is an archaeologist of sorts and she’s representing a rich guy to this man who has dug up a prize. It’s a giant golden lizard or something.

 

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“My father was a douchebag, like his father before him”

 

When they’re bopping around the caves she’s like “Hey why are the guards inside?” And the guy who is showing her around is like “Yeah, good catch. Your dad who is cooler than you really taught you well. These guards are inside because they’re trying to keep the evil that is in here from getting outside.” And she’s all “great, we’ll take it.”

 

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What the fuck is this? It’s like a melted sculpture. What is happening here? It’s a mess.

 

Next, we skip over to Tony Stark. He’s on one of his commercial planes drinking whiskey and the girl next to him is like, “You’re Tony Stark why don’t you fly one of your private planes.” And he’s like “Oooo, what’s your name, I’m a creep.”

Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer his grossness because a terrorist declares that there is a bomb on this plane. And Tony is like that’s my cue to exit. He goes into the bathroom a la Superman in a telephone booth and comes out as Iron Man and shuts this terrorist up by grabbing him and taking him for a ride outside. The thing is that he blasted out of the roof of the plane. Which is probably a bad idea, cause you know then everyone’s lives became endangered because they couldn’t breathe. So Iron Man throws the terrorist out into the sky and he plummets to his death.

 

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He kinda looks like that hot felon, Jeremy Meeks. RIGHT?!

 

While Iron Man returns to the plane to tell everyone that they’ll be fine and just keep breathing through the masks. Everyone is like “You suck. You made us breathe through these masks.”  So he darts out of the hole in the plane again and decides that he needs a vacation because no one cared that he just saved all these lives. I mean, that’s what you get when you fly commercial.

 

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Look at how well done Adi has created this expression on Iron Man’s face. He’s like “ya’lls is some dumb mothafuckin bitches.”

 

Tony decides to head to Las Vegas for the hotrod show which is probably a thing.

Tony goes to the pool and scams on some girls who are wayyy too young for him, bro and creeps on them. Saying THE creepiest line I’ve ever heard in my life.

 

IMG_0366
Why is he hitting on prostitutes? 

 

They, of course, head back to his hotel room with him because, as well know, hoes ain’t loyal. But they’re like we actually don’t want to fuck you, we want to fuck your bodyguard.

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Meanwhile, these construction workers, or something, are putting together the giant lizard in front of a new casino. MEAN MEANWHILE thousands of lizards are running around Vegas and its weird.

 

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I like the guy who is just nonchalantly leaning on his Hot Rod like this isn’t weird or bothersome at all for him.

 

Just before Tony is about to get it in with the two hoes he met at the pool, Pepper calls him and tells him she needs him, now. Not in that way. She just meant that there’s some fucking lizards flooding the streets and that Iron Man should probs do something about it.

The leaping lizards are all over the news and the news anchors are like, “this is insane all flights have been canceled and this is the worst time in Las Vegas for a Lizard infestation to happen because The Golden Dragon Casino is about to open and everyone and their moms have come to see its opening!”

 

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What in the squirrel is going on over there?!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

This is a four-part series so even though not much happened in this first issue, I’m def going to continue reading. I’m like one-quarter full involved in it already anyway. Plus Elsa Bloodstone is in it and she my gurl.

Hit-Girl #4 Recap

AAANNNNDDD SHE’S BACK!

Sorry about the hiatus, I discovered bravo on YouTube.

Wow, I really do not know my audiences.

ANYWAYS THIS WEEK WAS THE SHITSKY. Cause after I read the latest Hit-Girl, I found out this isn’t the last we shall see of little Mindy. No-ho. AND I read Saga #52 which I have been waiting it seemed like forever for. But I’m gonna try not to be an asshole to those people who have been a fan since #1 and legit have to wait every week.

OHHHHHKKK. Enough about me. Let’s recap this bitch shall we?

First off, props on the cover. It is a tribute to the late, great Miley Cyrus. SHE CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL. I’ve never fell so hard in love with a cover. Congratulations to Mark Millar, Ricardo Lopez Oritz, and them cover artists Amy Reeder, Mattea Scalera and Lee Loughridge. You really combined two of my favorite things: Miley mother fucking Cyrus and Mindy mother fucking McCready.

We begin our story with Mrs. Gallo praying in church. If you don’t remember issues 1, 2, or 3, then please remind yourself. Or just read what I’m about to say next. She hired Mindy to kill the bad, bad gang member who killed her son in cold blood. And somehow the gang member also has to help Mindy take down all the other gang members in Colombia first. Idk whose idea that was. I assume Mark Millar.

So the pope or priest or whatever (I am not religious, clearly) tells Mrs. Gallo “ya know if you keep pulling this bullshit you’re gonna go to hell.” And she’s like “Ya, that’s fine. I’ll be with my son.”

 

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Why is that gun the size of her lap?

 

Her son must have been a real shit.

To review from last issue, as that is where this story takes place. The bad guy gang member that Mindy forcibly turned into her partner, (ya know the guy who killed Mrs. Gallo’s son? KEEP UP!) turned on her, but Mindy had a plan B and she turned the gun onto Mano (The bad guy who killed the kid)’s little brother Jorge. Who is about to be initiated into the gang. Jorge also likes Batman. So there’s that, too.

So after the little falling out Mano and Mindy had they are back together and better than ever. They decide to start this morning off by sniping every single one of Mano’s friends.

Like literally all of them. The scenes of them killing all over the place are numerous and go on for pages.

 

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There’s more but this was the best one cause brains.

 

I imagine that the background music behind their murder spree is that  same one they used for “Rob and Big.” You know, “Let me tell you about my beeesssttt friend, He’s a warm hearted person who will love me till then end.”

It’s beautiful really. Here’s a link.

The members of Mano’s gang who are still alive try to take Jorge to a safe house or kill him. IDK. you never know with people who have questionable morals.

Hit-Girl and Mano are riding around in a garbage truck and she busts out onto a different scene by yelling something about wanting to take out the trash. It is very clever. All the awards, please.

 

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Good one.

 

So they crash the garbage truck and jump out, and what’s supposed to happen is that they are supposed to blow up the truck with bombs, but the detonator doesn’t work so they just shoot everyone instead. Very anti-climactic.

So then the garbage truck DOES explode. And Mindy is like “WHAT THE HELL!”

 

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Told ya’

 

Everybody dies.

Except for Mindy and Mano for some reason.

Mano is all, hey just kill me.

Mindy is all, um I said I wouldn’t.

Mrs. Gallo is all like, but I will

And Mano is all like, who are you.

And she’s all, you killed my son.

And then he shrugs and he’s like, “probably.”

He doesn’t even remember!

So spoiler she can’t kill him because she’s a good person. Luckily Mindy has a PLAN B. All women should.

ANYWAYS, the gang is mad at Mano for killing everyone with this little psycho girl and now they want to make a trade, Mano’s life for Jorge’s life. And as we know Mano has no qualms about murdering for sport and probably has an STD and a rotting tooth, but he definitely has a hard-on for that brother of his.

So Mindy throws Mano out of the car and to the drop off for the trade and they shoot him down while he says “but, but let me explain!!!”

The gang members are like, um no you killed like everyone.

So they shoot him and Jorge cries like a baby back bitch.

The gang member turns his gun on Jorge and says that he’s the brother of the traitor so they might as well kill him, too. Then all these little red lights show up on all of their clothes and then they explode into thin air! Like magical pixie fairies. OOOO!!!

Okay so then things get a little convoluted. Mindy pops out, she didn’t shoot Jorge, he’s the only survivor and she informs him that his brother wrote him one last “text message” Because that’s how things are done now in 2018.

That “text message” from “Mano” says that being a gang member is bad and not sexy at all and that Jorge is just a kid and should become Mrs. Gallo’s son that she never had. -Only a nine-year-old bitch could come up with this shit. But it works, and soon Mrs. Gallo and her adopted son Jorge are off galavanting around town working in diners and shit. But then she says something weird. That is a throwback to that sign in the pope’s office. And she says she’s taking Jorge somewhere nice and hot. Like Hell. So I guess she’s gonna murder him? Kinda weird to murder an innocent child when what you wanted to do was shoot his older brother who had murdered YOUR innocent child, but to each his own. Revenge gets twisted and I’m not gonna ask.

 

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Creep.

 

In the epilogue, Mindy decides on her next adventure after she breaks into a mobster’s mansion and murders him. She spins a globe around and points her finger at the next place. AND GUESS WHERE SHE IS HEADED? FUCKING CANADA. Okay, yeah. Looking for the biebs or something? I’m sure Justin Trudeau got some job for you over there. Maybe milking trees for maple syrup.

Are you serious?!

CANADA!

Well, how did YOU like this series? I gotta admit, I was wrong about the ending. And I really never could have predicted the one that Mark Millar wrote…So I guess good for him?

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OHHHH CANADAAAA

Hunt for Wolverine The Claws Of A Killer #1 comic book recap

Ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to present to you, something even cooler than I initially thought would be amazing. Truly, truly, truly, this #1 issue comic book is basically my dream scenario come to life.

Now, let’s get to boring you with the details in this here recap…

Some background before we get into this 4 issue run written by Mariko Tamaki.

Logan has been killed and the X-Men have come to terms with his death. But soon, there is an attempt made to steal his corpse. Unfortunately for the thieves, that corpse is on the move…

SPOOKY SCARY! WEREWOLF BAR MITZVAH!

So yeah, everyone is like “oh shit, the body is gone, what do we do? Let’s solve this mystery and if he’s not dead let’s put him back underground.” YAY!

The comic book begins in Maybelle, Arizona population: 343. A fabulous high-class bar and its classy patrons are getting angry at the “game” and how there are no “players” anymore just “bodies.” I have no idea what sport they’re watching, but I assume it is Rugby because I don’t know anything about that game and therefore assume the worst about it.

 

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YA! Useless dummy runners!

 

The bartendress happily changes the channel when the power goes out and the elegant patrons get grumpy. Some first-rate civilians offer to head to the “power station” to figure out the deal with the electricity.  They are bumbling around trying to fix shit, when they hear a THUNK and decide to find out where their buddy, Larry went.

They follow the noises to a control room where they find their old pal, Larry slumped in a chair bleeding from his mouth and a really hot guy standing oddly tall for someone who is 5’3, in a plaid shirt, jeans, and accessorizing with some adamantium claws for a little sparkle to the wardrobe. A really nice effect, IMHO.

 

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Girl, is this the Met Gala? Cause you got a Heavenly Body!!

 

I think we can guess what happens here…

Back to the bar…

Bartendress and hillbilly man are discussing who is funnier between the two of them. Obviously, bartendress wins. Then like, this green blast of light overtakes the entire town and Bartendress is like, “Ew, why?” And then the hillbilly patron guy’s eyes start bleeding, and then the bartendress is super like, “Ew, now seriously, why?”

SO that happened. NEXT, We find the heroes of our story. Who are actually villains? HOORAY!

You can probably guess who they are based on the cover. OH, BTW big shout outs to Greg Land for the cover art and Butch Guice for the awesome and crude-looking (in a good way) artwork.

So Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike (BFF GOALS) have set a meeting with the lovely little Daken aka the son of Wolverine. Also -side note- Daken hates his dad… But, don’t we all?

 

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Um, he said “rotting” not “rottin'” Get someone get this guy a dictionary?

 

The trio decides to team up and find the missing Wolverine corpse that the Reavers were trying to steal but couldn’t, Daken is like “oh we’re friends now?” Lady D is like, “Actually, no, but we’re gonna be friends until we find and kill this guy.” Then Daken is like good because Sabretooth sucks, and Sabretooth is like, “Yeah, I’m actually the worst.”

 

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So, does Daken do that to his hair, or is it like, natural? Like Logan’s cowlicks?

 

So Lady D has a way to find and track Wolverine. They get on the road and get to tracking. This leads them to the same bar in Maybelle Arizona. Daken takes one sniff of the air and decides that his dad isn’t there. Sabre and D-Stroke decide they have to go #1 (or so they claim) and they might as well stop and look around anyway.

Daken is like well this is boring being trapped in the backseat of the car, reminds me of my childhood. OMG WAIT I DIDN’T HAVE ONE!! So he cries and is like I should HEAL THIS CHILDHOOD WOUND BY POUNDING ALCOHOL INTO MY FACE.

ence cat
Thank you, Science Cat.

Daken unwittingly heads into the classy bar and finds himself face to foot with the bartendress. But before he notices her, he notices these two goons.

 

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Daken’s face is priceless. He’s like “hmm, this is somewhat unexpected.”

 

It becomes increasingly obvious that something is going on. ESPESH CAUSE THEN THIS HAPPENS:

 

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Face to foot. LOL I’m Hilarious.

THAT’S RIGHT FRIENDS!

FUCKING ZOMBIES. OH MARIKO TAMAKI! YOU WIZARD OF THE YARN!

Wolverine + Zombies = Goals.

So Daken gets his foot bitten and then all the undead patrons come out of the blue and start attacking him. As he fights back he notices that he isn’t healing. Eventually, they all climb on top of him like in one of those Rugby tackle-things. (I ASSUME) and bury him underneath their dead, rotting bodies. YUM!

 

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Now is this a ruck or a maul? I always get so confused.

 

TO BE CONTINUED CITIZENS!!

Now side-note and personal storytime, I shared this comic book with a friend of mine and he said wtf, why are there zombies? And to that, I say, WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE!? MORE ZOMBIES PLEASE. EVERYWHERE THERE SHOULD BE ZOMBIES ALWAYS!!

What side of the fence are you on? Are you roaming free with the undead or are you building a utopia free from their oppression? Let me know in the comments! OH! And if you have a zombie escape plan I would love to hear about that too! If you think zombies are dumb or a played-out trope, you are wrong, but I would still like to hear your side!!

BYE FRIENDS!

 

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Hawkeye #1. Kate Bishop

Well hello there. It is I, the Comic Book Betch. Here to bring you another installment of the terrible recapping series of #1 issues of comic books that have come out so long ago you don’t even care anymore!

Kate Bishop is my favorite human in the whole wide world. Or Maybe it is Kelly Thompson (writer) I do not know. This series was also drawn by Leonardo Romero. Ooo lala.

Kate has left poor Clint Barton in Bedstuy, Brooklyn and moved back to her hometown in sunny LA.

She has started her own ALIAS business. And right now she’s on a mission in Venice, California. I should also mention that she’s wearing an I (Spider-Man) New York sweatshirt. And she’s funny.

 

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I want that hoodie. 

 

She is creeping on some hot surfer dudes hanging out with their shirts off. She’s tailing a man named, Brad, we do not know what for yet. As she continues her creepery, her photo lens falls on a trio of men in suits. Which looks completely out of place on the beach, they are being very obvious and she is concerned. She goes into spy mode and out of thirsty creep mode immediately.

Kate realizes they have guns, masks and are walking into a bank. Probs gonna rob it. So she shoots out their getaway car tires, calls 911 for backup and strolls into the bank… offering sass.

 

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Kate Bishop is the type of bad-ass b*tch we should all aspire to be. Also, the costume is on point, queen.

Kate marches in there and fires off some smoke arrows, hits a guy in the face, and then shoots another man up against a wall. It. Was. Awesome.

She marches out with her trademark saying…

 

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NEVER forget to tip.

Hawkeye goes home to her rundown apartment/ detective agency. We are introduced to her neighbor, Ramone. She owns the record store next door and will probably become Kate Bishop’s best friend for the series. Allegedly. Ramone makes fun of everything that Kate Bishop owns.

A client pops into the ALIAS business and is actually looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye. Then she goes through a series of people looking for Clint Barton, Hawkeye and she grows increasingly tired of this BS throughout the day.

Finally, the last girl to walk into her office is Mikka, a girl who is being harassed online. Kate takes the case and starts the very next morning.

The computer lab lady refuses to let Kate into the computer lab and threatens to call security on her since she doesn’t have a student ID. So she steals one. RUDE.

Kate is having some issues so she is approached by one of the student workers who knows about tech shit. His name is Quinn and she screams at him because he calls her Sunshine. Eventually, they decide to work together because Kate knows nothing about Proxy shit and IP Servers. MMKAY. SO we have established a best friend, a partner, and a victim. We have a whole cast of characters meow! WEEE!!

And you never know, maybe there will be a surprise appearance by that Old Man Hawkeye or America Chavez!

 

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Kate Funny. Quinn Nerd.

Kate runs out of the computer lab, returning the jacket and ID that she stole from various people around the previous lab.

She arrives at the newspaper meeting that Mikka is scheduled to go to. Cause she’s like following her around, ya know?

She has reason to believe that the person who has been harrassing Mikka knows her, perhaps just follows her around. Kate spots a dude in the corner snapping pics almost immediately. He sees Kate staring at him and immediately bolts. BUT LYKE WHY? Only guilty people run away, I guess. If some rando girl saw ME stalking some other rando girl I would just shrug and be like oh this person caught me taking a picture of a stranger. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. IS IT A CRIME? DONT THINK SO. NOT REALLY READ UP ON THE LAW THOUGH.

Kate attacks him by falling down from a tree right on top of him. HOORAY!

She cracks the 0000 PIN on his phone and finds some harassing emails to Mikka and several photos taking from her on his phone. He goin to jail.

As Kate pats herself on her back for doing such a good job, Mikka turns down a dark alley and gets stolen. So yeah Kate did not do a good job. Or maybe it was a good job, but it wasn’t a thorough job at any rate.

 

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STOP TURNING DOWN DARK ALLEYS!

 

 

Kate is my favorite.

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Deadpool Kills Deadpool #1

No Hit- Girl this week.

But Since Deadpool’s premiere is just around the corner I’ve decided to recap issue #1 of Deadpool Kills Deadpool. HOORAY!

Todd episode!

JK.

We begin in Deadpool’s dirty kitchen. There are empty pizza boxes laying around and dishes piled in the sink. He probably stinks. A masked man is making fun of Headpool for not having an intestinal track. Rude.

The man in the mask sticks Headpool into the microwave and blasts his brains away.

 

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NO!! Zombie-Pool!!!

 

After the zombie Headpool explodes in the microwave, the man in the mask is revealed from the shadows and he looks a lot like Deadpool, but in an all-black costume. He really is always trying to one-up Spider-Man isn’t he?

Anyways it becomes incredibly obvious that this man in the mask is our “hero” Deadpool. Cause lyke right after this, he bodyslides by one.

 

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Serving head and face.

 

After Pool bodyslides we go back to the “Real Marvel Universe” and they lose me. Just stop confusing me, Marvel.

Deadpool is battling the Ultimatum and making quips about other superheroes. My favorite was “stop hacking my Bieber and Beers Tumblr account”  –  Wolverine.

Deadpool is having a hard time taking down Ultimatum and his droids, but luckily a spaceship comes in hot toward the battle.

AND IT IS THE BEA ARTHUR! The spaceship of the Deadpool Corps. AKA Alternate versions of Deadpool in different universes. NORMAL.

 

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Nerds.

 

There’s two extra dolts on the Deadpool “CRUE.” A golden age gas mask hero and a pulp version of hisself.

The reason the CRUE is there is simple, get Deadpool onto the ship. But they don’t give him a reason just that he’s “in danger”

So Wade is lyke, um no? I need to wait for the Avengers to clean up this mess I made.

Kidpool tells Deadpool to stop trying to hard because the Avengers and the X-Men will never like him. As they hurry onto the ship, Gasmask Deadpool says “pip-pip now cheerio, we must get on to thee ship now and drive it with duct tape. But we never get to understand why he says these things because then the black mask Deadpool murders the Gasmask Deadpool. Which is wonderful because I don’t like him.

 

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YAY!

So Deadpool is like wtf? And then a battle ensues.

Deadpool knock him on his ass and is ready to give him his death-blow when black mask man bodyslides outta thurr.

Only to have bodyslid right behind Deadpool and puts a chainsaw through him.

Yikes.

It looks like our hero is about to be murdered by our other hero. Luckily Dogpool nips in to save the day.

To only then be immediately obliterated.

 

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YIKES!

 

oh, maybe I should throw this in here.

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As Kidpool mourns the loss of his beloved pup, Deadpool wastes no time in outsmarting this black mask Deadpool.

BMD: We have nothing in common!

DP: Except the same voice. Bodyslide by half.

BMD *bodyslides in half*

 

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Bang. Got ’em.

 

Deadpool picks up the blaster gun that the black mask Deadpool was using to obliterate the other Deadpools and blasts him away.

DONE! NO more stories!

Just kidding. As it turns out there are more Anti-Deadpools according to Lady Deadpool. He was only the beginning.

Lady Deadpool says they’re at war. A suicide war.

The Watcher saw this war in advance and warned the other Pools about it.

Deadpool is like, but why us?

Then the Watcher calls him the Progenitor.

Which I guess is like the parent of all things.

What in the world???

What do you guys think of this series? Should I keep going???

Let me know in the comments below!

 

 

 

Comic Book Recap: Hit-Girl #3

Lady and gentleman, here it is; round 3 of Hit-Girl. I am pleased as a punch. Or whatever that saying is if it is indeed a saying.

Words are made up. Nothing is real. Let’s move on.

The HBIC, Hit-Girl is on the cover walking away from an explosion carrying an AK-47 and a sword. If this isn’t a hard push for stricter gun laws, I don’t know what else is.

Mindy is still texting Jorge from Mano’s phone.

ICYMI #1 and #2 read them here. and here. Also read the new Kick-Ass recap here.

She and Mano threw six men off of a roof and the Padre gang or whatever the fuck are like “omg this is crayyy-zzz! How could Mano do this! Such scandal!”

Read that last quote in Jonathan’s voice from QE.

Then some gangster next to Jorge is like, “Mano is way better than you. Padre is so wrong about you. I think you’re a sassy little queen, but def not a killer.”

 

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Amazing eyebrows all around. WERK.

Jorge is like, “such your mouth, queen. I have a glock bigger than your pussy.”

Which is probably true.

Meanwhile, Mano is like, “why are you still texting on my phone, ugh. So rude.”

So they’re headed to destroy Mano’s gang and Mano does not want to do that so he’s “acting out.” And saying that he won’t turn against them and he will first turn himself in.
FORESHADOWING!!

 

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Chlamydia is so easy to cure. I, personally, would not be perturbed.

Mindy lets Mano out of his cage so they can go kick more ass.

Mano is in a mood though.

Speaking of moods. Did you know that while a woman is on her period her hormones are so out of whack that she behaves more manly than any other time of the month? True story, bra. So when people say women can’t perform the duties of a man in a position of power, AKA president or something like that, while they’re on their period, it actually means they feel that men can’t perform their duties 100% of the time. LOL

Which is very true.

So she’s like we’re not gonna kill your gang we’re just gonna kill your gang affiliates.

She sends him out to talk and he’s already got something cooking up his sleeve.

He heads to the secret hideout and is like, “wahh Flamingo is my friend. I hate this. I don’t wanna.”

So he’s like clearly thinking of shit in the back of his mind. He makes it to the entrance. Someone brought their fucking baby to the gang meeting.

Which, like okay. I know that mothers need a break every so often, but what mother is like “get the fucker out of here take him to your gang meeting if you have to?” A mother that I 100% support btw, Just saying. Don’t have children. If your husband is a gang member just try not to procreate with him. Or maybe get the sperm and then marry someone nice? Or just raise the child on your own. Lord knows children don’t need fathers………………………….. who are gang members.

So yeah Mano is pissed he has to take this guy out.

He’s like, “I love Flamingo.”

Mindy is all, “He used to melt bodies for you to get you out of trouble. Let’s not get overly sentimental here.”

FAIR.

The bitch on the other end who holds the button that will explode Mano, Again if you don’t know about this, start here, says “this guy is the reason I didn’t get a fair trial for my dead child.”

BOOOO FLAMINGO. NASTY HOE. BOOOOOO.

 

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She gets it.

So like I’m pretty tired, but basically, Mano can go wherever he wants to any gang he’s affiliated with because they’re cool with him. Also, all the news stories have been saying he’s been on a rival gang murder spree so these “friends” are for some reason happy to see him and think he’s on their side. They are dumb.

This happens. And everyone freaks out. For good reason.

 

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I also thought he was a “diddler” at first.

Instead of molesting the baby, Mano decides to use the baby as a human shield. Keeping him safe from being blown up by the crazy lady on the other end of the radio line. Nobody gonna murder you from the explosives on your arm if you have a baby in your arms. Well, I would. But I have no soul. Also, the world is overpopulated. BUT ITS NOT UP TO ME TO PLAY GOD.

ANYWAYS.

Mano is able to assemble the gang members to his side because he cant be killed for not obeying commands. Instead, he shoots the van that our hero, Hit-Girl is inside of.

 

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BABY!

 

 

So then the whole gang starts shooting the van.

Hit-Girl is dead.

She was only human after all.

JUST KIDDING.

She’s alive and she had time to put a bomb in the van.

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Idk what her suit is made out of it, but clearly it is bulletproof spandex.

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So, Hit-Girl is not dead. She decides to face the gang head on. There is a bad ass fight scene which is the reason to purchase this book. Obviously, ya’ll are reading along and just making this a supplement, right? You’re not basing your whole perspective on my recap right???????

Mindy can’t get caught though. She runs through their bullets. She hides in the rafters. She hooks up a bomb to one of the guys and cackles as she takes down all these grown ass men.

She jumps down from the rafters to fight the rest one-on-one.

But Mano kicks her in the face and knocks her out.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

 

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No, I don’t.

YIKES

Hit-Girl IN TROUBLE.

WITH A CAPITAL L.

So Mano is like “where is the woman who has my detonators?” Cause he’s hooked up to a bomb.

Hit-Girl is like actually, we have a Plan B.

 

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Hello, Felicia.

She has her girl in a backup car ready to shoot this Jorge kid in the face.

Mano shoots everyone around him except Mindy because she threatened to kill his lil brother.

The woman on the phone gets scared and is like, “Mindy are you okay?”

And she’s all “yup.”

Bitch hadda good plan B.

They take me captive take Jorge captive. WINS WINS WINS.

I bet they have “find my friends” enabled. Thats why its so easy to get to everyone.

So what’s next??

 

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EVERYONE.

EVERYONE IS NEXT.

YAY! HIT-GIRL #3!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Mark Millar for creating my favorite super-hero of all-time.

 

 

 

Hit-Girl #2 Comic Book Review

As promised to my three fans, I will be reviewing Hit-Girl #2 this week, Hit-Girl #3 next week and then I think I have to wait like two more weeks till the other one comes out, but I’ll hit ya with anotha one. Maybe I’ll post a thinkpiece about why Hit-Girl is actually the best superhero that ever existed. I just hope it doesn’t require too many extra thinks on my end.

Also, good news I like both of the comic book shops down the street from my mansion. Only one is right next to the wine store though.

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That’s right, fwoosh. Imagine you’re just laying in bed next to your old ass husband or wife and allofasudden FWOOSH! You’re being blown to smithereens by two twisted friends shooting at you one-handed with machine guns?

Hit-Girl and her new bestie are on a mission to kill all the drug lords in Colombia!!

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?? This is truly why we do need more vigilantes. There is no way to stop the cycle of drug use in Colombia because the government is so corrupt. On top of that, they’re too damn powerful, and they often protect their own territories. Not well enough for any sort of proper growth and sustainability to happen though. Damn Mark Millar is really liberal af and he’s pouring it down our throats through art and I am pleased.

HG’s bestie aka Mano is texting his lil’ brother who, as we know from the first issue, is about to get initiated into the gang so he can start murdering everyone.

I just had a thought.

What if this little boy decides against a life of crime and becomes a vigilante with Hit-Girl and he moves to America with her and they continue their childhood together but still are always murdering baddies in their spare time? That would be cute since her old pal Kick-Ass abandoned her.

In one of the houses Mano and Mindy hit up, there’s a shit-ton of wild animals. A leopard jumps on top of Mindy and somehow she doesn’t get torn to pieces right away, there’s time for him to jump on her back (she doesn’t fall immediately, how?) then later she’s on the ground with the million pound leopard on her which is crazy, and Mano shoots the leopard. Which is pretty sad.

 

hit girl is attacked by leopard
Girl, you ain’t got no superhuman strength. Fuck you doin?

 

A rhino, a tiger, a bear, a monkey, alligator, and wolf start darting at them from down the hall, so Mindy unleashes a shower of electrified balls at them set to stun and electrocutes all these poor animals. They finally get to the drug guy and he begs Mano to not kill him. Mano is like “um no, you just made us murder all these sweet lil’ creatures, you’re a monster, can you imagine if I spared your life over theirs?? Bye.”

 

killing beautiful animals
Okay, so it wasn’t his EXACT quote, but when have these reviews been exact? 

 

Back in the safehouse, Mano and Mindy are stocking up with new guns before they head outside and try them out. They try out new weapons like one that can shoot from around corners and a poison bomb called the “meat eater.”

 

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That’s so great. I would use it to disintegrate people wearing clothes that I wanted.

 

Jorge aka Mano’s little brother and their father are discussing who Jorge’s target will be for the initiation and it is the district attorney who put Mano in jail those many years ago.

We find out that the drug lords around Colombia are “traitors” because they work for the Mexican Cartels. Mano explains to Hit Girl that “Padre” he and Jorge’s “dad” is the good guy because he sells his drugs to Gringos (white people) and gives the money back to the community. LIKE ROBIN HOOD! Or Bernie Sanders.

 

You’re welcome, friend.

 

 

If America just legalized drugs we could help Colombia and Mexico with all of their drug war BS, but ya know America just wants to be puritans again.

Mano snipes another victim and Hit-Girl texts away happily on Mano’s cell phone.

Mano: Who do you keep texting from my cell phone?

HG: You don’t wanna know.

It’s Jorge.

 

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Imagine if people really looked like these cartoon characters. Sharp ass knees like that. wtf.

 

ANYWAYS, later Mindy is inside the comic book store in Colombia getting her fix while Mano waits patiently on the passenger side of the vehicle. In case you forgot or didn’t read #1 there is a woman, the one who hired Mindy to kill off the drug people, keeping watch over them and everything that they do. She also holds the detonator that is attached to Mano’s arm and could blow him up at any minute. He never seems to be the least bit perturbed at all by this so maybe you did forget or, at least, he did. He asks aloud to the car, and the woman on the other side listening in, and asks her who Mindy is killing inside the Comic book shop. The woman responds that it’s fucking Wednesday, you idiot.

Okay, so here is more evidence that Jorge will become Hit-Girl’s new side-kick after this series run other than the fact that his entire character and side story has been meaningless so far.

Mindy jumps in the car all excited about her new comic books and offers to lend Mano her Batman books after they perform their next hit. Mano is like “I don’t read comic books but my little brother Jorge loves Batman. He reads them all and that is who he wants to be when he grows up.”

SOUNDS LIKE BIG DADDY RIGHT, BABYDOLL?!

 

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“I was taking drugs and getting laid,” said to the thirteen-year-old girl in the car next to me.

 

Next, Mano and Mindy head out to take on the Russians that are in Colombia for some reason.

Hit-Girl informs Mano that they’re going to kill all of Mano’s friends tomorrow so he should savor killing all of these Russian spies.

 

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Very limp cigarette hanging out of Mano’s mouth. Must be a hidden meaning there, but what? WHATT???

 

The Colombian woman who holds Mano’s fate in her hands lets us know why she hates Mano so much.

He killed her son.

Spoiler.

More Spoiler she plans to hang herself after they’ve killed everyone.

Good Idea.

I mean, obviously not the best idea.

But after your kid gets killed you’re supposed to exact revenge upon the ones who killed him and then kill yourself, right? That’s just good parenting.

I CAN’T WAIT TO REVIEW #3!!!!!!

Still pretty fun, she’s the same crazy old Mindy laughing while she murders full grown men. And yet she still maintains her innocence around Mano sometimes which is so telling. Mindy is a complex character and there are haters out there who hate on her because she comes from the Kick-Ass franchise where the story as we know goes, “a regular kid tries to become a superhero and it all blows up in his face.” But Mindy is different she is truly a superhero…or something like that. She always was a fantastical part of the series, but we need her. I need her. I loved the lessons that I was taught by the original Kick-Ass run. But you can’t introduce such an awesome character and let her be forgotten!!

What did you guys think about this issue? I know my guy, Mark has a blast writing her, that’s for damn sure.

 

Hit-Girl #1 Comic Book Review

ERMERGERDD!!!!

HIT-GIRL IS BACK. I mean, I am excited that Kick-Ass is back, but, ya know, HIT-GIRL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

You guyzzz, Hit-Girl is my hero. Like my favorite. I dressed up as her at a comic con one year and it was the best day of my life. (I also had a Kick-Ass, not pictured.)

 

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Madame Steal Yo Man

So you know this is serious now.

So, yes Mark Millar and John Romita Jr teamed up yet again for Kick-Ass, but only Mark Millar has his hand in Hit Girl.

Wow, I really could have worded that better.

Ricardo Lopez Ortiz is the artist of this run, and it looks like it’s only going to be a 4 issue run…

SO…

I was thinking…I will review every issue!!!!

SOUNDS GOOD?!

It does.

This art though, it’s perfect for Hit-Girl. SO gritty, it’s disturbing, it makes you feel uncomfortable while simultaneously amused, which is how you should feel when a little girl slices a grown man’s head off.

Okay, we’ll start now.

We are in Colombia. Or as the Colombians say it, CO-LOM-BI-YAH. Which is exactly how you all should say it. Because it’s right.

A murderous lunatic, Fabio Mendoza, is being sent to jail and the press is out there taking selfies with him and posting them to their ABC news grams. He was a part of a huge Colombian gang so his arrest is a huge deal to these peeps. It’s like when we killed Osama- if you’re an American anyway.

 

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The beach is that way.

 

He’s being taken to a maximum security jail in an armored truck, surrounded by several military soldiers. The tyres of the police escort have been shot out and allofasudden gas is filling the tank that is holding Fabio.

Some other soldiers pop into the tank to see what’s up and they find that Fabio has escaped.

But really he was captured by Mindy.

 

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The LOL lock. MUST HAVE.

 

Mindy is the mother-fucking shit.

Meanwhile, the gang lord that Fabio worked for is celebrating with his crusty gang friends.

One month previously, Mindy is hanging out in Pittsburgh trying out some new partners. She tells the boy that she’s brought along and dressed up in a Kick-Ass costume, what their plan is to take down some thugs, but unfortunately, the little boy isn’t down and decides to call his mom to pick him up instead. Hit-Girl carries out the mission herself and later heads back to her headquarters.

 

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Just cause you’re into the hobbit and harry potter doesn’t mean you can’t love comic books too. BE A ROUNDED NERD!

 

She gets a vision/ghost visit from her father, Big Daddy, who tells her that fighting crime is no fun on your own. She agrees and quickly gets an idea and we’re back in Colombia.

Mindy was asked by a little Colombian lady to come to Colombia to take down some thugs. But Mindy decides she wants Fabio to be her partner, despite his obvious flaws.

Fabio doesn’t want to partner up with her, luckily she is prepared.

She tied up someone he knows and blows him up right in front of Fabio and lets Fabio know that the same wraps around that guy’s arms are around Fabio’s arms and the controller for those bombs are in the hands of a little Colombian lady who asked for her help and is watching them live on camera right now.

 

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WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 

Spooky.

Fabio decides to live another day and partner up with Mindy. Even though first he admits to knowing who she is and questions why she would need him.

She answers that he knows the ins and outs of this world, so he’s basically her research, but she adds that she gets lonely.

Awww. baby.

Mindy leads Fabio to a room full of guns and they arm up to take down the “perros.”

 

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How does she hold all of those heavy weapons?? We shall never know.

 

I guess we’ll see next week how it goessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY HIT-GIRL!

Everyone should please please please buy this comic. We must let the comic book overlords know that we love Mindy and want to see her all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 stars!

A million stars!

ALL THE STARS!!!!!!!

Gratuitous violence, female-led, and an overwhelming sense of chaos at every corner. Please and thank you, Jesus.