Old Man Hawkeye #1 Comic Book Review

Old Man Hawkeye finally gets HIS SIDE of the story told in this prequel series from the Old Man Logan story that came out years and years ago. One thing, I don’t talk about much is art, but the dystopian background art in this book is breathtaking. I really dig it. I feel like I’m in Mad Max Fury Road with Hawkeye by my side, and that is now my real life’s fantasy.

The background of this story is that 45 years ago the supervillains took over the world and killed all the heroes. Minus a few, like Hawkeye and Logan. Now the USA is divided up into these dirty ass territories where people live half-lives under the fear of their terrifying regime. This is an America without Hope, or with Trump if it pleases you.

Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye has been hired by Jebediah Hammer to protect him on a smuggling mission. Hawkeye doesn’t want to drive through a dangerous ravine because it is “bandit territory.” Or the equivalent of a rural state today I would say, as there are no rules in places like that. You ever been to a bar in Michigan when you’re 12? I have.

A sniper shoots the back part of the semi truck Hawkeye and Hammer are driving and they crash. Hammer is all “Why didn’t you see the rock?”

Um probably f*cking because there was no f*cking rock.

He thinks they ran over a rock! I, mean, I wasn’t there but that seems pretty dumb to me.

They get out of the truck and Hawkeye is looking for a jack to fix the truck up but then allofasudden there are 9 guys right behind him wearing bandanas and holding guns.

The bandits want whatever they’re smuggling, but Hawkeye has other plans.


Old Man Hawkeye could still get it.

He then “THOK!S” them all in the head with arrows, all but one I mean.

Ya. He missed.

As it turns out, he’s got glaucoma. Since he’s not in California or Colorado I’m sure he’s not even getting the right kind of treatment for it either.

His doctor is Claire Temple, a former love interest of Luke Cage.

Hawkeye tells her that he want’s vengeance on the villains for killing all of his friends as he lovingly strokes a picture of the Power Man.


They got Rosario Dawson to play me, I win everything.


She tells him he only has a few weeks to a few months before he goes completely blind and advises him that if he wants to do anything or see anything, to do it now.

So he goes to see Logan, because they are best friends, except only in Clint’s head. Logan does not seem too happy to see Clint.

Oh, and Clint brought him an X-Box for his son. Like, what? Why? 45 years ago? What year does this take place? Why are there still X-Boxes lying around? Also, this deserted Mad Max looking place seems like electricity is more of a luxury than a standard, so I’m a bit confused.

Clint informs Logan that he wants justice, and Logan is like “Nah, I have a family. Get out of here.”

So Hawkeye is like, “whatever take this old-ass X-Box anyway, ho.”

So before he embarks on his next mission he goes to see his daughter, Ashley. His ex-wife is chilling at home with her Ultron-8 robot husband or something. It’s all very strange and I don’t understand it.

Ashley is this emo-ish rocker chick that throws darts at a poster of her father in his purple Hawkeye uniform for fun. Great haircut though.


Screenshot 2018-03-20 at 7.28.02 PM
Sick burn, Ash.


Also, why does this girl look white and have blue eyes if her mother is black? Da fuq? She can have brown eyes and darker skin and she can still be Clint’s daughter.

Anyways, this whole exchange is very awkward and sad. He doesn’t know how to talk to her and she’s pushing him away because he’s never been there for her, and she just wants him to try harder, but he doesn’t know that because she won’t tell him that.

Ash: Why are you here?

Clint: I wanted to see you, I’m going somewhere and I might not come back.

Ash: Well, you saw me. Bye.

Clint: Bye.

HEARTBREAKING. But did we expect Hawkeye to be a good father? This is why we need abortions, people.

Hawkeye goes to cry by his car outside, and in other news, that bandit that he missed is wandering through the mountains dying of thirst. He scoops up some water, but when he puts it to his lips he realizes that it’s black. Which is unexpected, to say the least. What is even more unexpected is that the black water is not even water, nor is it a liquid, it’s a symbiote. Ya know, like Venom. Or exactly Venom, I should say.

Two redneck looking sheriffs come upon the scene of where Hawkeye shot eight dudes and they’re like, “looks me to like that there is some bandit on bandit crime I’ll tell ya what.”

Then this guy in the shadows with a red laser eye is all, “no, you’re dumb.”

Sherriffs: I say now, ha-why are you at this crime scene, ma’boy?

Laser eyes: You aren’t looking close enough at the crime scene. Eight arrows, eight bodies, eight dug graves. Only heroes dig graves for dead people. And also, shut up I’m your boss.

Sherriff: Ohhhh you’re Old Man Bullseye. I see. Only with a laser eye and an evil cliche mustache.

Bullseye: Just call me Bullseye. Or Lester even.

Sherriff: Riiiggghhhttt…


Then he twirls the mustache with his finger.

Why is there, like, mush coming out from around his eye-thing? What the f*ck is happening here?

I can’t wait to see what happens next! I mean, I already purchased #2, so I know what happens immediately next, but I have a feeling this series is gonna be a good one! What do you guys think??




Rogue & Gambit

I know guys. Hold your applause.

I went to my local comic book store for the first time in at least a few months and it was just so exciting to be inside one again. I usually get my comic books off of the Marvel app and before that was Comixology. Anyways, I went in and they were open an extra hour longer than usual because it was Wednesday. (New Comic Book day for any n00bs out there.) And lucky for me because they usually close at 7 pm and I came waltzing in at 7:15. They had some good shit, but not as good as my old comic book store in NYC. I recently moved to Chicago and these stores are nothing like Forbidden Planet, but really who could compare to that store? I am just grateful this one is in walking distance from my stately manse where I reside in the town of boys.

Also! I took a weird way home today after my visit and found another comic book shop within walking distance so I will have to check out that place next Wednesday. I think I might start buying paperbacks only again, I go through phases of digital and paper. But how will I ever sell my comic book collection to make my first movie a la Kevin Smith if I only have digital copies of shit?

Okay, sorry about that “dear diary” bull sh*t. Let’s get into it.

FIRST OF ALL, Kelly Thompson wrote this shit, so I have high expectations okurr? I’m also digging the art so shouts to the artist, Pere Perez, too.

This story starts with a brief, but beautiful collection of art that depicts the past tumultuous romance between Rogue and Gambit.

Aww! She’s gonna punch him!


We get a brief prologue of a few rando mutants who are for some reason running low on their powers and running away from something scary chasing them. We don’t get to see what is chasing them because allofasudden we’re on the next page and good ol’ Storm is sitting at the control of the danger room in full costume.

storm in full costume
“Ayy, nice cape.” “Ditto.”

I’ll never understand capes.

They don’t seem conducive for hand-to-hand combat, but I can see why they might be necessary for someone like Storm, because she basically wears a bathing suit as her costume, so if she gets cold she can use it as a blanket. Gambit is another story entirely.

So, Gambit comes strolling into the control room and he calls Storm “Stormy.” You know like the porn star that Trump had an affair with, or if you prefer like the baby Kylie Jenner birthed, whom she named after a porn star. ALL NORMAL THINGS.

Storm is like “don’t call me that you fu*king goon.” Then Gambit is all “No.” Then Storm is like “Rogue is in the danger room playing with Sentinals” So Gambit responds in the most Gambit-y way ever,

“Deal me in.”


He joins Pixie, Psylocke, Armor, and Rogue in the danger room. They fight this thing for what I imagine is about 10 seconds before a Sentinal smashes Rogue into the ground and Gambit flips out. Everyone is like “She has the powers of a Kree, dummy, she can handle this shit.” But he still swoops in on her dramatically to show that he loves her.


Tell ‘im boy, bye



Why do dudes show up in your life like this all the time? What is going on in-between their relationship with the girl they always go back to? THAT’S what I want to know.

Armor is like, “this is awkward let’s get the heck out of here.” Then Pixie is a creep and a half and she’s like “omg this is so hot.” And Psylocke is like “Let me tell you all about their relationship, ladies.” So they leave them on the floor with their googly eyes staring at each other.

But, Rogue for some reason does not want to get laid this day, so she pushes him off of her and he follows her out. Then he invites her to dinner and Rogue is like “no, weeee are never ever ever getting back togetherrr!”

But he won’t stop hounding her because he has no respect for women, so she hits him with the “I can’t control my powers anymore so we can’t touch” And now I know why she doesn’t want to get laid today because she physically cannot. That’s a really great excuse if you’re Rogue though. “Sorry, I can’t date you because if I kiss you, I could kill you. Bye.” It’s like when a girl you’re trying to get with tells you she’s been on her period for two years.

Did you forget about the brief prologue with the rando mutants? Ya me too.

So here’s why that whole thing happened.

Kitty calls Rogue into her office and tells her about a mission she wants Rogue to go on.

A private retreat that promises to free mutants of their “Trauma” V suspicious.

Also, I should note that Kitty’s ponytail is gone. Great news because this woman has to be like 35 by now.


Where’s ur dragunnn?


The retreat is for mutant couples I guess, so that means Rogue and Gambit have to go. And it works extra well because it’s for couples with problems. Nice.

They fly out on a private jet with champagne, and we finally understand why Gambit has come back.

Rogue kissed Deadpool. Amazing. Gambit heard about it from the other mutants and his pride is very hurt because Deadpool “doesn’t even have a face.”

careful what you say friend
Careful what you say, friend.

Rogue is like “I did not kiss him, I made out with him. And it was awesome.”

I’ll bet. Ryan Reynolds with or without scars, I’ll take it.

So they land, and before I go on I have to talk about this bitch’s outfit. Thigh-high leather boots, leather gloves up to her armpits and a bright green mini dress. NO way is that the least bit attractive. Gambit is wearing a normal short sleeve button up, a fitted pair of shorts and reasonable sneakers. And they’re landing here undercover, that shit is not undercover Rogue! She looks like a sex worker. No offense to sex workers.


ho rogue


Immediately upon landing, they meet this woman with a boring beige outfit who spices up her look with an ascot. Nice touch. And she senses their tension immediately, so the plan is working I guess.

They find their bungalow and it’s gorgeous. There’s champagne on the bed and you can see the ocean from the floor. They go outside and their neighbors swim over their gorgeous bungalow to say hello. They make plans to go for drinks later and Rogue is like “there’s something off about them, they’re nice.”


mind control
Bitch, they can hear you.


Fair assumption.

Gambit calls her cynical, but that’s because he’s dumb.

They head to their therapy session and Remy is like, “Rogue, this could really help us. I want to be with you, but you need to want to be with me, too.” And “Rogue is like, we’ll see.”

Then This Happens.


then this happens
Nice chest, also great rack. #equality


I can’t wait to read #2! Then #3 and I think that’s as far as it is out right now, but I’m not sure. I’m way late on this. If you’re not reading this series, I heard it only gets better and better. Also, let’s support Kelly Thompson as she is becoming a literal hero of mine and my favorite storyteller at Marvel.

Next Week – It’s Old Man Hawkeye #1. Cause you know how much I love Hawkeye. 🙂



Captain Marvel

The Queen is getting herself a blog post.

Bout time.

Let’s get into it, shall we?

So it starts off in a confusing way as I am always confused about everything always. It’s a movie set and there’s a woman playing captain Marvel but it’s before she got her bad ass haircut, and then there’s a chubby dude playing her love interest.

Captain Marvel is watching from afar with her friend and she’s utterly disgusted at how she’s being portrayed/ treated by the love interest.

So why is she allowing this movie to happen? Why to fund the Alpha Flight of course!

Carole gets into a fight with the director and apparently, it’s not the first time she has complained about the movie. First, it was the title, then it was the costume (too much cleavage) and now its the shitty dialogue. She is interrupted in her fight with the director by her Beyonce ringtone. Who has a ringtone anymore? Don’t we all just have it on vibrate always?

Anyways it’s the president calling her. Normal.


Fuck any porn stars lately?


So now they’re ready for a mission and we learn that Sasquatch is her chauffeur and that he also eats the cookies that Carole’s fans bake for her. Workin 2 jobs? I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

The Black Forest Refugee camp was attacked by army rangers so now Carole has to save the day. Also, I should mention those army rangers are supposed to be the good guys, so it’s extra weird. Also, they took hostages, one hostage, in particular, catches Danvers’ eye because she’s a little Kree girl.


Carole got her powers from the Kree people so she feels she has an obligation to this little Kree girl.

The refugee camp looks like a refugee camp and she’s like “whoa something happened here.” I’m like, “bitch that a refugee camp obviously shit happenin here.”

They all look like this. OR WORSE!

Carole covers some survivors in blankets because that’s what you do when you help people while she needles them with questions about who did it and where the little girl is.

There’s a guy blowing up the watchtower so Carole is like “I should probably start there.”

And it turns out that was the correct choice because there’s a bad man holding the little Kree girl off of the watchtower’s edge.

He’s a bounty hunter and a floating orb hovers over to him and he forces the girl inside.




Apparently, the blue-skinned Kree are protected by intergalactic accord, so what he is doing is extra bad. Like shooting a white kid over a black kid.

SO this bounty hunter is a shape-shifting son of a gun and he shifts into the little Kree girl and she’s attacking him and it looks like she’s attacking the Kree kid. Obv. Idk why I double explained that.

Carole blows up the watchtower and takes off with the floating orb that contains the Kree child and brings it into the Alpha Flight spaceship and shows off her new bestowal to her friends.


Casually blowing shit up


They let the kid out of the pod and she only knows the word “no.” so that’s a whole thing.

Everyone on Alpha Flight is pretty disgusted by the kid, but kids are disgusting so it makes a lot of sense.

Since the child doesn’t speak English they get a universal translator and it turns out the child is really dumb. She can’t speak any language she just repeats what people say to her.

They decide to call her Bean, which is cute but then I think about that annoying kid Beans from Even Stevens and then I don’t think it’s cute anymore.

Carole attends her board meeting with Captain America and Black Panther and…others and she’s like I don’t want to do your work until I’m done with mine and they’re like uh no. You have to do it.

Then this shadow appears.




And says that they acquired the “bounty” and that Carole Danvers took the Kree girl as “bait.” Then the shadow turns into CAROLE!

Bang. Got her.

Shit’s gonna get weird. With a whole mess of intergalactic refugees trying to head to Earth and our president doesn’t even want Mexicans here so, lyke, we gotta figure this ! And Black Panther doesn’t even care. He’s out sitting in Wakanda, Like whatever. Fuck this I live in Wakanda and the rest of the world can burn I’ll be fine. Or that’s what I imagine he’s thinking anyways.

Did you like this comic book? Has anyone read the series? Let me know if it gets better and I should continue. I heard that I have to continue reading Runaways that it gets better after a slow initial start.


So, I don’t know how or where I got this book. I think it was free. But now that I have read it, I realize I would have paid money for it.


This book is from 2000 and it is very confusing because my brain is fried from staring at a constant stream of Instagram photos for three years straight.

Sentry, or Bob as he is known in this issue, wakes up in the middle of the night because of a large crack of thunder and lightning.

Bob leaps up and knows that “he’s back.” We do not who “he” is quite yet, but he’s here according to the voices in Bob’s head.

His wife is slightly concerned, but also quite tired. He convinces her it’s nothing, just a storm and he needs to take their dog out.

I had to read this comic book twice to figure out what the heck was going on because the writer (Paul Jenkins) makes it seem like the dog is talking in Bob’s head.

He even shushes the dog when they’re walking down the stairs, but now that I’ve read it twice I realized that it’s def Bob’s thoughts…and/or voices.

So voices tell Bob to tell his wife that it’s nothing, and as he walks down the steps, the voices tell him that is something that is all too familiar to Sentry.


He knows it’s the Void, and he is frightened that the Void has made his return. So he goes to his library and inside a bookcase, he grabs this big ass book. He has cut the pages out and inside he left a bottle. He opens this super spy book and looks at his bottle of “Sentry serum.”

So he grabs this bottle and he has flashbacks of his origin comic book story when he’s like 14 or 15, which also confused me. It all makes sense, in the end, so I guess this shit is just really well written or I’m very slow. Thanks, Instagram.

In the flashback, “Robby” discovers a professor’s secret serum which gives him the power of a thousand exploding suns as we all know.

He tells his dog “watchdog” to be vigilant. This poor little thing just sits there like-




After “Robby” takes the secret serum, we go back to present day, or 18 years ago I should say, and grown-up Bob drinks his hidden serum. Ya know, cause it’s flashing back and forth.

He begins to become confused, he can’t remember if he was Sentry, or if he saw it in a comic book or TV show. He wrestles with these “memories” over and over again. The comic book flashes back to the “memories” and they show the good ol’ days when he punched his school bully and then eventually fought alongside the Avengers. When Iron Man still had that fatsuit. You know what I’m talking about. OLD AS FUCK.


old suit


He remembers defeating the Void with the Avengers, but when he defeated the Void, he promised to return. And he’s like, “that ma fuckah always promisin to return”

Meanwhile, back when he was known as Robby, he was becoming dependent on the Professor’s serum. Each time he took the serum, the dosage would need to get higher and higher and the Professor is warning him n shit.

But he’s out here losing it in the “present” and believes that he needs this serum to go out and defeat the Void who has def returned, cause you know he heard him laughing or whatever.

He still carries the Confluctor from Temporalon (okay this guy is nuts) and it’s the only relic that can truly defeat the Void. Obv.

So he tries to fix up the Confluctor, but he can’t focus on what he’s doing so he drinks more of the serum.


Rare pic of the “confluctor”


He feels the effects of the serum instantly, and his eyes turn bright red. The Void shouts out to him and he sees that the dog was the effing Void the whole time. Wow.


Bad doggie, no!


So he throws the power of a thousand suns at the dog from his fingertips and the Void-Dog is all “You’re a pathetic, ya fucking junkie. You can’t get rid of me.”

And Bob is like “leave me alone! This isn’t real. The Sentry isn’t real and you’re not real!” And he’s like cryin n shit.

His wife comes down to see what all the Gol dang commotion is and she finds Bob in the fetal position on the floor weeping, and the dog tipped over on his side.


Trigger warning.

Did I say that too late?


Anyways she says “Did you kick the fucking dog?!”

And he says, “Yes, but it wasn’t the dog, it’s the Void.”

And she picks up his magical serum and finds that his magic serum is more along the lines of a cheap bottle of whiskey.

So, obviously, she leaves him, because he’s an alcoholic who kicks fucking dogs. Goodbye.


Kinda still limp over there…


Save yourself, Lindy, this guy’s a freak.

Oh yeah her name is Lindy.

Dumb fucking name.

Not her fault. Blame the parents. And blame their parents for making them stupid. And so on.

So she leaves and Bob goes to the closet, and the only thing inside said closet is his costume. Why would they have such a large closet and there is literally nothing inside except this costume? And I should say “costume” because this is it.




Then he takes off, flying into the air.

So I guess…the Void is back? It definitely WAS NOT the dog. That I know for sure.

I am sort of enraged that he kicked a dog, but all in all, I thought that was a very great read. And maybe you’re thinking to yourself that I love everything because I mostly do, but I just have to say that I read a runaways comic book that I was going to recap on here, and um no. That comic book is freaking terrible. I really hated it. Maybe I have to keep reading, but Ummm I am not going to make the freaking effort. I have heard the show is good, but I don’t have Hulu anymore, so unless someone wants to give me their account information, I will not be looking into that anytime soon.

ANYWAYS. I do love an alcoholic superhero. WHO DOESN’T? Marvel really knows what they’re doing here. Early 2000s mayne. When gas was a dollar and Christina Aguilera hadn’t gotten dirrty yet. Simpler times. Simple. Simple. Terrible and awful, but simple.

Also, can we talk about how Sentry’s origin story is basically Peter Parker’s? In that, he was a young nerd who had a bully and liked the popular girl, but the popular girl didn’t like him until he punched someone in the face?

Sidebar: If a girl will only like you if you punch people in the face, she’s probably not going to be that supportive and good for your self-esteem and general spirit in the long run. The better girl to date would be the one who doesn’t condone acts of violence. Unless you are extremely violent, in that case, don’t date a nice girl. You don’t deserve her.

That is all.



Battleworld takes place after the multiverse was destroyed. The Earth has been taken over by zombies and this region of Battleworld is holding off the zombies and being led by Elsa Bloodstone, daughter of Ulysses Bloodstone, a hunter formally with the 1950s Avengers who had a large Bloodgem embedded into his chest.


Elsa is a crazy human.


This story begins with someone spilling her tea and now she has brown spots all over her. She’s very mad and she shoots the zombie who probably made her spill her tea. I should probably paint this picture right? So they’re in some sort of fortress and the walls are very high, but the zombies are climbing up and there’s a soldier laying dying on the ground. And he’s crying and she’s like “shut up, rookie.” And he’s all “you’re mean. I got bitten I’m going to turn into a zombie and you’re gonna shoot me and probably laugh about it right afterward. Be nice to me!”


What kind of tea stains like that? Certainly not Earl Grey.


So she decides to be nice to him by lying to him and tells him that his wounds aren’t infected and he’s going to live, and he is like “omg thank god!”

Then she shoots him.

Moving on, her sergeant comes over and tells her that they’ve identified a leader of this pack and it is not good news.


Eh. Not my type.


It is Azazel, father of Nightcrawler and leader of the demon BAMFS. So this makes him extremely terrifying because he can teleport around everywhere kicking people off buildings, punching them, killing them whatever.

He bamfs around for a few more before Elsa shoots him in the face. She goes to finish the job and he wraps his tail around her leg and teleports out of there with Elsa in tow. She finishes him off with a deathly blow, but not before he has teleported her miles away from her base.


Azazel AKA the Red Terror AKA the Purple Pouf


She passes out for a second and has a flashback from her past. She is a young girl with her father, Ulysses, and let’s just say there’s a lot of terrifying abuse going on in that household. First of all, she is 7 years old and he had a pygmy demon attack her and she lost. Then he’s like calling her weak and she’s like “dude, I’m seven!” And he’s like “we’re hunters. We have to serve the people.” And then about ten more mini demons appear to beat her up again and he tells her to get up.

Which is weird, because there’s a little boy in the here-and-now telling her to get up, cause you know, she passed out.

Then this guy shows up and wakes her ass up real quick.


More my type.


Then she quotes Arrested Development and shoots him in the tentacle.


But where did the lighter fluid come from?

Once she is done stomping him into the ground for touching her without permission, which yes, you go, Glenn Coco- she turns her attention to the little boy who tried to wake her up before and she questions him, but he has no memories. CONVENIENT. I don’t trust this little whiney boy. First of all, he’s bald, why? There are no razors in the apocalypse! Ain’t nobody got time to maintain a shaved head. Second of all he’s in the middle of Zombieland and appears completely unscathed. But therein lies the mystery I suppose. Oh he kind of looks like a monk though, right?


Nice tracksuit. Rihanna would be proud.


She realizes that she is 200 miles south of her SHIELD base. I would probs just shoot myself at that point but she decides to move onward and take the street urchin with her.

Then she says “This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We are almost certainly going to perish… Nice day for it, mind.”

Wow, she is way cooler than everyone ever.

The urchin boy wants to go south instead of north back to the base. His reasoning is that it is a mystery and since they will definitely die if they go north, they might as well try south because he’s got a “good feeling” about it.

OKAY. It’s a trap.

Anyways, she’s like “no, fuck off.”

And he’s like “shut up.”

And she’s like “wtf bitch?”

And he’s like “there’s a juggernaut zombie charging us because he heard us because you wouldn’t stop talking.”




So the Juggerzombie attacks Elsa and she’s like “little boy shoot this dude,” and he goes to shoot him and then this happens.

Like…what? How even…

Luckily Elsa has a part of her father’s bloodgem around her neck in a necklace and that for some reason comes alive and blasts the Juggerzombie in the face and then Elsa stomps him out with her boot heel. This is like, the third time she’s done that to someone in the last hour. But whatever works, ya know?

Urchin boy asks Elsa how her magic necklace works and she says it has never done anything like that before. SO WE’VE GOT A SECOND MYSTERY WE NEED TO SOLVE ON THIS JOURNEY. Wow, they are just setting this story up for greatness around every corner.

Also, Elsa has daddy issues up the wazoo. The urchin won’t stop crying and she’s like shut up and she has a flashback to when her dad kept yelling at her to stop crying and being weak. And she doesn’t want to be like her father so she apologizes to the little urchin boy and they continue on.

However, there’s scads and scads of zombies below the mountain they’re looking off of.


They’re all headed North btw.


They decide to head south because Elsa decides that “unknown horror” is better than “certain doom.” She tells the little boy to watch their backs because a “hunter being hunted is just plain tacky.” I gotta agree. Too bad there is a monster following them.


WOW! DANGER! MYSTERY! ZOMBIES! DADDY ISSUES! This issue had it all. Elsa Bloodstone is the baddest bitch on Earth and I want everyone to buy this comic book and tell every single one of your friends to also buy it and let’s buy everything that she ever does because this was amazing. There’s nothing better than a girl with daddy issues. Ask anyone!

The Fearless Defenders


Awesome team-up alert.

Valkyrie, the last Asgardian Defender and Misty Knight, formally with the Daughters of the Dragons and bff to the Heroes for Hire, are on the cover together so I guess now they’re bff.

I want to be Misty Knight for a cosplay after seeing this fantastic update to her costume. She looks like she was plucked out of a VIP booth in Studio 54.

However, I’m not black so I can’t otherwise I’d be hypocrite for being mad at white real housewives whenever they dress up as Diana Ross. And I do mean everytime they do it because it happens a lot.

We’re getting off topic. Okay, yes, I am. You’re fine.

There’s a prologue of Valkyrie saying verily and then the skies rain blood down upon her, blah but the real story begins with a huge BOOM coming from a boat racing through a storm on the Atlantic Ocean. The seamen ha need to secure all the crates because they’re slipping all over the place on account of the rain.

Somehow Misty Knight is on this boat. It is not explained how or when she got on, but she is not wanted because some guy comes up behind her with a gun.

She’s gotta have lost those big ass hoop earrings on at least 20 missions.

Knight remains unphased, however, as she simply spins around and kicks him in the shin and tosses him overboard into the violent ocean waves below.

Then she decides that one possible manslaughter charge is not nearly enough trouble to be into, so she jumps out from her hiding spot to take on all the dudes on this boat. And she says these badass things that I’m too lazy to type:

Can you imagine?! Chills.

She then proceeds to beat up everyone.

Stirrup leggings! Genius. BUT WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? 

After she attacks everyone out of NOWHERE she steals the thing that they were stealing. It’s a small statue that looks like a load of crap to her because it’s small and it’s ugly and it looks extremely old and rundown.  She continues to look around since there’s gotta be something better here and there’s also mummified bodies wearing warrior armor, which is mad creepy.


A helicopter is randomly coptering from above and she’s like “ew, get this light off of me, rude.”

These helicopter people start shooting at her from above. But she has a bionic arm with repulsor tech so she can’t be shot. Then they bring out a rocket launcher and she’s like, “gotta go.” So she takes her chances into the wild, choppy ocean as the boat explodes behind her.

Gun violence is never the answer.

Somehow before the boat had exploded, they were able to grab the crates. IDK. So Misty is swimming off while the helicopter people speak about a future massacre they’re planning with these mummified bodies.

Knight returns to her employer and goes off on the girl who employed her, yelling about how mercenaries with rocket launchers came to sabotage her simple smuggling mission. But her employer, Dr. Annabelle Riggs, some sort of archaeologist? Anyways she works for a museum and that’s why she wants relics like this.

“Secret” history. Oh my.

Misty: Is it worth anything?

Annabelle: You didn’t think the rocket launchers were a tip off it’s worth something?

Dr. Riggs starts trailing off thinking aloud about what it might be and she comes to the conclusion that it is Asgardian. And I totally believe her because Valkyrie is on this cover, too. So she’s messing around with the statue and finds a seam and the statue clicks open and starts singing an awful song.

Annabelle: Oh a music box.

Misty: This music sucks. Turn it off.

Annabelle: Nope, got to record it on my iPhone.

Misty: Hey what are you surveying here at this dig site?

Annabelle: A viking grave.

Misty: What a massive coincidence…

Reminds me of, lyke, when Harry Potter had to open up that egg underwater to hear more than just screeches.

So long story short, these vikings come alive and start attacking the archaeologists, so it’s up to Misty Knight to save the day with her Satan Claw.

Oh sorry, it’s the second version I guess.

During the middle of Knight kicking butt, a giant flying horse lands behind her, and atop of said horse is Valkyrie.

YES! Good guess, omg.

They inadvertently team up and fight off these viking dudes with a lot of THOKS, THOOMS and SHHRAAKS.

Dr. Riggs walks out with the singing statue and Valkyrie is like hey turn that off the reason they’re alive is cause the song, and Dr. Riggs is like OMG you’re a Valkyrie that’s so amazing, let’s make out. And they do.

Gotta make sure there’s a lesbian scene so fanboys can jerk off.

Valkyrie grabs the statue and destroys it, turning all of the zombie vikings into dust.

Val: Great that’s over, gotta go.

Annabelle: You destroyed my dig site and years of research I’m coming with you to get some answers.

Val: No.

Annabelle: Yes.

Val: Okay.

Misty: I’ll come, too. Nothing like a third wheel on an adventure to an eternal realm.

So it’s settled. Val then tells them that the statue sang the song of the “Blighted Host of slaughter, carrion, filth, vermin, deceit, insanity, torture, seduction and rage.” Huge job for one guy. They could have probably passed down some of the responsibilities to another host, but CEOs amiright?

Then she goes on to say that the music box said the “Doommaidens” were rising and that it’s all Val’s fault. YIKES. Um she’s the only one who understood what they were saying and she just outed herself like right away. I would have kept my mouth shut. They’d be like what else did they say? And I’d be like “ummm…nothing. Nothing at all. WHY? Who said they said something?”

But I’m not a Valkyrie and thank Yeezus for that because we would all be dead rn.

I assume that if I were to ascend to any seat of power, we’d all be in mortal peril.

Did you like this? If you did not, why? Because you’re dumb? Let me know so we can grow and change together.

Have you read this series? It’s from 2013 so you may not remember, but if you happened to have missed it- I highly recommend picking it up. Misty Knight is my new favorite. Thank you to the commenter who said I missed her in my post about Marvel women who need their own movies. You were hella right about this bad betch. In the words of Fabolous, “you make me better.”


America #1

I am taking my first foray into an America comic book. I have high hopes for this issue because it’s written by an all star latinx cast.

I don’t really have much previous experience with this hero America, so we’re just going to dive right into it.

It begins by asking a cast of character to tell them what “America” means to them. Her best friend, Hawkeye AKA Kate Bishop is first to answer, followed by some well-known heroes like Storm, the Oprah of the Marvel Universe, Miles Morales and then Felicia Hardy is in it saying she’s never met her. Um, rude. But everyone else was like she’s a badass.

There’s something weird about these dream bars in this comic book. They’re very prevalent. I will get to the bottom of this.

Even Loki (young kid version) called her a “bad mama jama” so I’m intrigued.

The prologue let’s the reader know that America is bored of saving the world by punching star shaped holes through multiple dimensions and has decided to enroll in college.

As we turn the page we are taken to Maltixa, a planet on the outskirts of the Utopian Parallel that is under attack and is being saved by the Ultimates.

Spectrum and Captain Marvel are there, America is also there saving a kid. She brings the kid back to her mom and America remembers how much she misses her two dead moms.

The Alien that is attacking the planet hits Spectrum with a pure white energy and sends Spectrum flying onto Captain Marvel’s flying ship. America decides that if it’s pure white energy, if she hits it with her brown fist she will win. And she does and the alien bursts into beautiful stars and America is confused as to why that happens.

Sounds sexual.

Then the whole planet starts healing itself, which is also weird. Then the kid is like, “who are you? you saved me! I love you!” and America is like, “follow me on Beamchat” which I guess is Marvel Universe speak for Twitter?

The team retreats to their ship and reconvenes with Black Panther and Blue Marvel, the other members of the team who stay on “Home Base.” Where this base is, I do not know.

America goes back to NYC and stops by her girlfriends house because she skipped out on meeting her for a date because she was fighting aliens on another planet.

She bangs her girlfriend and then her girlfriend breaks up with her, so it must not have been great.

When a girl gets broken up with she goes to see her friends. So she ends up midway between LA and NYC with Kate Bishop. America’s van needs a jump or something so they’re stopped on the side of the road talking. I am confused. Did they meet up halfway in the middle of the desert? Because Kate lives on the west coast. Or did they drive together? I know Kate likes to be in NYC a lot. But then they drive off into different directions and I am confused. So they each drove like ten hours to hang out with each other for five minutes in the middle of a desert? I NEED information.


She ends up at Sotomayor University which I believe only exists in the America Chavez comic books. Mainly because it seems to be a university for mutants. They get all the schools.

A bunch of sorority girls try to recruit her to their latin sorority group. Phi Theta Betas. And they jump out of nowhere looking like they dressed themselves in clothes only sold in 1997. She turns them down because sororities are for skanks and she heads in late to her first class.

Then for some reason her classroom is covered in ice and there’s a hologram of a crazy old lady shooting arrows.

America sees Prodigy in her class cause he’s a nerd and he answers the professor’s question and melts the ice. Then the professor gives them all a crazy, hard assignment and tells America her own life story. And apparently from this scene were supposed to understand that it’s gonna be hard to win over this professor. America is like Elle Woods and this is her Professor Stromwell.

America and Prodigy go back to Prodigy’s dorm room where he has been working on a time machine. Normal.

The machine is just a prototype but he believes that if they use it in conjunction with America’s multi dimensional punches, America will be able to time travel across the multiverse.

So she just hits the button to time travel and then Prodigy is like “um, it’s not ready but whatever. Girl, bye.”

“Next time I’m making the X button be the disintegrate button.”

So she ends up in WWII Germany fighting besides Captain America.

Then she punches Hitler.

The end.

I’m totally serious. That was the end.

I’m really happy that it ended that way because I gotta say there was a lot of exposition and not a lot of action. Any comic that ends with a person punching Hitler in the face is quite something. I didn’t want to read #2 basically the whole time I was reading this comic book but now I feel I must.

Did she knock him into another dimension, doe?

Avengers + X-Men = Kitty Pryde x Spider-Woman (Lockheed) Solve for Y.

I said I would start 2018 with some bad betches.

Perhaps you could tell by my icon or maybe you could not, but I love Jessica Drew. She is my favorite Spider-Woman.

Sometimes Kitty Pryde bothers me because of her perpetual ponytail, but other than that I’m pretty down with the girl. She rose through those X-Man ranks really quickly…even though she didn’t want to…and for some reason she has a dragon? I didn’t read the story where that happened, I just picked up an X-Men comic one day and BOOM pet dragon. I’ve accepted it and you should, too.

So based on the prologue one thing you should know is that Lockheed the dragon is in love with Spider-Woman. I must have also missed that story where they fell in love, but she does bring it up later and apparently they met in space. (Bare with me.) (Bear?)

So the story begins and it turns out that Lockheed has a cell phone because he and Spider-Woman were texting and decided that the three of them should head into the city and save some shit.

I wonder who his provider is?

In this case, shit is a precious metal from space that S.W.O.R.D and the Russian Mafia are after.

I must bring to light that Kitty is acting like a real twat right now because she’s mad that Spider-Woman woke her up on a “school night.” Bitch, you a superhero.

Anyways Spider-Woman “woke her up” because Lockheed can sniff out space metals. What, like it’s hard?

Lockheed catches the scent and they’re off, but not without Kitty snarling off about hoping Spider-Woman and Lockheed both get fired from S.W.O.R.D. Methinks thou doth protest too much, but your story is being written by a man, therefore there will be a lot of limits to your personality. Not your fault, girl.

So they discover that Absorbing Man has the magic metal and the ladies mull their mutual disgust over him choosing to not wear a shirt. Listen men, if you won’t respect yourselves don’t expect us to respect you.

WOOOWWW you deserve whatever harassment you get with that much showing off.

Lockheed attacks some men in hazmat yellow suits from above, and clearly these suits are inflammable. Which means flammable. Confusing, right?


Kitty can’t stop talking about her students even during battle, and while she mulls over ideas for her “other” occupation we get an obligatory butt shot right before she grabs the space rock.

That’s quite a spinal column, Jessica.

Kitty: Hey, Jessica, is this rock radioactive?

Jessica: Are you holding it?

Kitty: …YES!

Jessica: Then NOPE.

We move forward, although I don’t necessarily believe Spider-Woman’s information about the radioactivity within this rock.

The Absorbing Man, tries to grab the rock from Kitty, but he can’t because she’s made it “intangible,” which does, in fact, mean “not tangible.” Confusing. She then puts it inside a solid pillar that is helping to hold up the New York subway station they are fighting inside of, so they can “talk.”

But he doesn’t want to talk, which is not at all surprising because he’s not one of those smart villians that thinks things through, he’s one of those ‘fight first, ask questions later’ type of guy. Which makes his next move, to throw a wrecking ball that he keeps chained to his body into the pillar to grab the radioactive space rock metal thing in-surprising.


Kitty lets him absorb the rock and I think she does this because she wanted to deliver this line.

Kitty: You know , if you REALLY want to improve yourself, how about absorbing a book.

HA. Got ’em.

On the other side of the subway, Spider-Woman is climbing on the walls while men in hazmat suits run from her. What she has done to make them run from her is unknown. Then she’s like, “um, did you let him absorb the rock like exactly what I told you not to do?”

And Kitty’s like “yes, but only because I have some fancy new power gains that I need to show off.”

So, she goes off into this long monologue about how fear had kept her from really using her powers until she take off her gloves and puts her hand on Absorbing Man’s head and reaches into his brain to stop the blood flow. Which makes the metal stop working in his body.

Now you better really hope that shit ain’t radioactive.

He passes out and Kitty starts giving commands to Hydra agents (who were there the whole time and I didn’t mention them because they just stood around until this scene…) and also the hazmat guys to clean up all the rubble and to move Absorbing Man’s body to another location.

What have you been doing this WHOLE TIME, Hydra?

Spider-Woman has her glowing rock no thanks to herself but all thanks to Kitty. So she thanks Kitty for “helping.” When really she did all of the work.

Kitty’s like “whatever bitch, I’m going home.”

And Spider-Woman is like “I emit a pheromone that makes women uncomfortable.”

And Kitty is like “Nah that ain’t why I don’t like you, but still consider us to be friends.”

Then the real trouble arises when Kitty asks Lockheed who he is going home with.

Unfortunately that is a mystery that the writer has allowed you to figure out for yourself. That writing technique is either very lazy or very smart.

Did the top ever stop spinning? 

Have your read this issue yet? Did you continue reading the part where Hawkeye and Deadpool go on a small adventure? I didn’t. But I will after I post this and maybe I’ll throw in an extra review this week and put that little storyline in, too.

Avengers + X-Men is the perfect go-to for any Marvel fan that doesn’t have the time to get invested in a crazy ass storyline. You can literally pick up any issue and a small adventure with your favorite characters will charm your pants off. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Rating: 4 billion stars out of a possible 3 billion.

In-impressed with your bullshit.

Iron Fist – The Living Weapon #1

Hey nerds.

What do you guys think of the Iron Fist? I’ve never really been into him, but I truly enjoyed his Netflix show and I respected how not-awkward he was when he lost his virginity on it.

I received this Iron Fist digital comic as a freebie from…um idk some other comic book I purchased and then put in a code and BOOM! Iron Fist comic book in my library.

At first glance, Iron Fist is on the cover with two glowing, blonde ponytails. At second glance, these are actually his fists and forearms lifted up next to his head. I don’t understand what sort of idea he is trying to portray by posing like this, but it is not menacing whatsoever.

This comic book appears to begin by re-telling his Netflix origin story: Danny Rand, 10 years old, is taking a trip with multi-millionaire mommy and daddy on a private plane over the Himalayan Mountains when they crash land and young Danny is the sole-survivor of that crash. He is stumbled upon by Monks, who take him in and train him to become …


Except that’s not what’s happening in this book. They’re telling a new story. One where Wendell leads the Rand family and young Danny on a trip through the cold and snowy mountains. The family and Wendell are on a trip to find K’un Lun. However their guides have turned back and they are running out of rations. Also they have a 10 year old boy with them which is enough evidence to call social services immediately.

Danny’s father gets annoyed with Wendell and shoots his flare gun to inform the guides that they need rescuing. This causes a massive avalanche.

He’s telling this whole story to a young journalism student, Brenda, who is getting a little too tipsy and flirting with him a little too hard. He takes her home and he’s brooding away sadly. Taking pills to help him fall asleep and thinking about how empty and meaningless life truly is.

It’s the little things, Danny. It’s the little things!!! Sometimes it’s like millionaires are the saddest people because they have all this time to think about the meaningless-ness of life instead of worrying about how they’re going to make their car payment all the time.

Danny gets up in the middle of the nigh pondering his past life, recalling the moment he saw his father drop from a mountain and the crazed look in his eye right before he died. Danny recalls how his mother would tell him all the time how he had his father’s eyes. This shit is getting deep. I’m touched truly. This is what I love about comic books. That close up on the eye and then Danny saying how he has the eyes of a madman. I get chills.



The journalism student wakes up and asks him if he needs more sexy-time, the answer is a resounding “no” as he jumps out of the window immediately after she asks. The girl will be forever scarred and it is going to take years of therapy for her to ever get physically intimate with someone again for fear they will kill themselves when it’s over.

Apparently the Iron Fist can fly, because he’s just soaring through the air as Apache Helicopters and ninjas come after him. He punches the Helicopter and it goes up in flames.


I’m sorry perhaps you missed the part where he punches a helicopter so hard it explodes.

The ninjas look a bit frightened now that they know what they’re up against, but they don’t have too long to think about it because the Helicopter explodes and shoots fireballs at them.

Danny returns to his apartment to find the journalism student getting shook up by someundead ninjas looking for “the girl.” He summons the power of the immortal fist, but the power doesn’t come, the undead ninja punches him, sending him into a wall. Sluggishly he says “Debbie, run”

She replies “It’s Brenda you Jer- Ayiiiii” as she gets whipped around by an undead ninja.

Iron Fist regains his momentum and fights back, all of a sudden his fist is fired up again and he wonders why it wasn’t working the first time, he begins to attack a figure coming towards him, but stops as he realizes this figure is just a little girl, an alive one(for now.) The opposite of an undead ninja.

ADORABLE!! But why are the monks sending a 7 year old child to NYC? Like, oh you’re gonna love the big city, Lilly, tons of piss on the street, hookers, and heroin!

She’s tiny! And her message is to tell him to go back to K’un Lun and all the ninjas and helicopters were there to stop the little girl from giving Danny the message. She’s “the girl” they were looking for. Not Debrah. Or Brenda. Whoever.

Then this happened.


Danny leaves NYC immediately to embark on his trip “home.”

Damn. This was good. It reminded me of 1980s Daredevil when he became this brooding sad man capable of murder. I do love a broken, womanizing pill-popping hero. None of these Marvel heroes can just be happy.

I read a “shower thoughts” tweet once that said DC are people trying to be superheroes and Marvel are superheroes trying to be people. And that statement for Marvel is like 98% true. When it comes to Marvel saving lives and the world and battling zombies is when the heroes come to life. Iron Fist is this sad man sleeping with random girls whose name he doesn’t even know and this is bringing him no sense of happiness but the second some undead ninjas show up he lights up! This is what he was made for. Finally! Some adventure. He’s not trying to be a human, he’s going through the motions of being a human and his “real-life” is the welcome distraction. He is a super-hero, he’s not a regular guy and him trying to be one isn’t working out, just like it doesn’t work out for Spider-Man, Iron Man or Daredevil. Deadpool and Captain America don’t even try. They’re just like, this is me. Take it or leave it.

I hope things work out for this immortal Iron Fist. I am way more interested in this brooding Danny Rand than the awkward Danny Rand of the Netflix show. I think I’ll be subscribing to his book and rolling my eyes at any rumors of a Iron Fist Season 2.






Wolverine Generations

So much like the Hawkeyes’ there’s also a Wolverine Generations. Another boy/girl combo. Well, more like old man and hip, young woman combo.

The story takes place in Tokyo, Japan, because Wolverine loves Asians. He begins the book by switching up his famous saying.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. But it’s not enough. I’m about to die. Neck-Deep in undead ninjas.”

Very slightly different.

Wolverine aka Logan is in Japan trying to save his adopted daughter, Akiko. Unfortunately for Akiko, Wolverine has been pinned down by chains and flying ninja stars.

fighting ninjas

Luckily X-23, or Laura, or New Wolverine, or perhaps just Wolverine, as she goes by today, shows up to help save the day. She kicks the most ass and the undead ninjas have no chance.

Finally they cut all the ninjas to bits and X-23 has a huge samurai sword sticking out of her. It’s actually really funny. I can’t make this stuff up.

Laura has a sword in her

Logan pulls the sword out of Laura. She grabs it from him and throws it at an erroneous ninja and misses his head but gets what she was actually aiming for which is part of his ribbons on his mask. They need it for his scent in order to track him down and hopefully he’ll lead them right to Akiko.

OKAY so this is V SIMILAR to Hawkeye generations, because apparently Laura knows who Logan is but Logan in this time zone or reality doesn’t know Laura. 0_o? no se.

They decide to be teammates after a brief 30 second introduction. Full trust between these two. No questions asked as to why this girl with claws and wolverine-esque costume was looking for him. Just complete acceptance.

x-23 describes why she is there
Why she makin that face, doe?

They wander into a warehouse full of explosions and there’s a ninja up in the rafters holding a grenade.

Never a good thing to have in a building full of explosions.

The ninja throws the grenade at the two, and Logan “instinctively” throws his body on top of Laura’s. He gets all fucked up and even goes bald from the explosion. It’s terrible. She’s like uh you didn’t need to do that, I also have super healing powers but okay you did it. Let’s go.

There’s a business man just hanging out outside of the exploded warehouse. Laura backs him into a corner, they don’t need to torture him for answers because apparently the Hand was deceived by whoever hired them. He takes them in his car to the airport to meet Akiko. Logan’s costume has exploded off of him so he needs a change of clothes, Laura also changes to fit in with the muggles. Logan remarks that there was a dress in the car, and Laura scoffs and says “yeah, you would have looked great it in.”

bad joke about the dresses
If you’re reading this, stop staring.

Wolverine loves drag.

They make it to security where they are stopped by their natural enemy, metal detectors.

Suddenly there’s no time for security because they spot Akiko getting on a plane about to take-off, so they just jump out of the window instead and climb onto the wheels retracting into the plane.

There’s still hand ninjas on the plane which means the fighting is not over for the Wolverine duo.

Why is Laura here trying to rescue Akiko? Do they know each other? I’m trying to make sense of this adventure and I can’t figure it out. They are in the past though because Logan doesn’t know what a cell phone is.

ninjas don't carry cell phones


This guy is one of the last people you want baby-sitting your child.

For good reason too because he has her dangling out of the airplane door. For some reason they’re not getting sucked out. I don’t know how planes work but I thought that was a thing, where people get sucked out of planes when a door opens in the air. I saw Iron Fist and that’s how his mom died she got sucked out of the blown off roof…Someone is lying to me.

Laura pleads with Sabretooth to kill her instead of Akiko and Sabes is like huh why and she’s like SIKE! And slashes the hand holding Akiko off of him and tackles him out of the window.

laura tackles sabretooth out of the window


So while they’re flying out of the plane to the ground, Laura is just ripping him to shreds, they fall to the ground and create this giant crater and Sabretooth is like idk why the heck you’re still alive but I’m going to cut your head off now and she’s like “Heh” And he’s like “oh  it’s funny I’m going to decapitate you?” And she’s like nah you’ll see. And she was actually laughing because Logan is flying down from the air with his claws out and he manages to stick them right into Sabretooth. Softens the landing ya know? These people are nuts.

Wolverine flies out of plane

Logan returns Akiko safely home. Akiko wants her father to stay, SURPRISE! the child wants a present father, but alas Wolverine says he can’t and she’s better off without him around. Laura doesn’t like that and gives him a stern talking to about how he needs to be a more present father, and Logan is like are you my child from an alternate future? And Laura is like umm…

laura gives a stern talking to Logan
Why do comic books make me cry??!!

Logan goes inside to read Akiko a story about princesses at Laura’s nudging, but before that Laura and him have a heart-to-heart and I’m crying. Then she disappears into the wind.

This comic had it all. It was action-packed, Sabretooth was there for some reason, I laughed, I cried. Akiko was safe and that’s all that matters. I think the Hawkeye Generations comic book I read a couple weeks ago was a lot better than this one, but I enjoyed this one. There’s an ad for All-New Wolverine #25 coming out with Laura and Dakken together. I’ve gotta get my claws on that one. See what I did there? Anyways Wolverine comics are usually good ones to pick up. Can’t go wrong, really, with him. Plus he can get beat up really hard and jump out of planes and stuff. Like, Spider-man can’t jump out of a plane without, like, webbing himself to the plane. Wolverine just goes.