America #1

I am taking my first foray into an America comic book. I have high hopes for this issue because it’s written by an all star latinx cast.

I don’t really have much previous experience with this hero America, so we’re just going to dive right into it.

It begins by asking a cast of character to tell them what “America” means to them. Her best friend, Hawkeye AKA Kate Bishop is first to answer, followed by some well-known heroes like Storm, the Oprah of the Marvel Universe, Miles Morales and then Felicia Hardy is in it saying she’s never met her. Um, rude. But everyone else was like she’s a badass.

There’s something weird about these dream bars in this comic book. They’re very prevalent. I will get to the bottom of this.

Even Loki (young kid version) called her a “bad mama jama” so I’m intrigued.

The prologue let’s the reader know that America is bored of saving the world by punching star shaped holes through multiple dimensions and has decided to enroll in college.

As we turn the page we are taken to Maltixa, a planet on the outskirts of the Utopian Parallel that is under attack and is being saved by the Ultimates.

Spectrum and Captain Marvel are there, America is also there saving a kid. She brings the kid back to her mom and America remembers how much she misses her two dead moms.

The Alien that is attacking the planet hits Spectrum with a pure white energy and sends Spectrum flying onto Captain Marvel’s flying ship. America decides that if it’s pure white energy, if she hits it with her brown fist she will win. And she does and the alien bursts into beautiful stars and America is confused as to why that happens.

Sounds sexual.

Then the whole planet starts healing itself, which is also weird. Then the kid is like, “who are you? you saved me! I love you!” and America is like, “follow me on Beamchat” which I guess is Marvel Universe speak for Twitter?

The team retreats to their ship and reconvenes with Black Panther and Blue Marvel, the other members of the team who stay on “Home Base.” Where this base is, I do not know.

America goes back to NYC and stops by her girlfriends house because she skipped out on meeting her for a date because she was fighting aliens on another planet.

She bangs her girlfriend and then her girlfriend breaks up with her, so it must not have been great.

When a girl gets broken up with she goes to see her friends. So she ends up midway between LA and NYC with Kate Bishop. America’s van needs a jump or something so they’re stopped on the side of the road talking. I am confused. Did they meet up halfway in the middle of the desert? Because Kate lives on the west coast. Or did they drive together? I know Kate likes to be in NYC a lot. But then they drive off into different directions and I am confused. So they each drove like ten hours to hang out with each other for five minutes in the middle of a desert? I NEED information.


She ends up at Sotomayor University which I believe only exists in the America Chavez comic books. Mainly because it seems to be a university for mutants. They get all the schools.

A bunch of sorority girls try to recruit her to their latin sorority group. Phi Theta Betas. And they jump out of nowhere looking like they dressed themselves in clothes only sold in 1997. She turns them down because sororities are for skanks and she heads in late to her first class.

Then for some reason her classroom is covered in ice and there’s a hologram of a crazy old lady shooting arrows.

America sees Prodigy in her class cause he’s a nerd and he answers the professor’s question and melts the ice. Then the professor gives them all a crazy, hard assignment and tells America her own life story. And apparently from this scene were supposed to understand that it’s gonna be hard to win over this professor. America is like Elle Woods and this is her Professor Stromwell.

America and Prodigy go back to Prodigy’s dorm room where he has been working on a time machine. Normal.

The machine is just a prototype but he believes that if they use it in conjunction with America’s multi dimensional punches, America will be able to time travel across the multiverse.

So she just hits the button to time travel and then Prodigy is like “um, it’s not ready but whatever. Girl, bye.”

“Next time I’m making the X button be the disintegrate button.”

So she ends up in WWII Germany fighting besides Captain America.

Then she punches Hitler.

The end.

I’m totally serious. That was the end.

I’m really happy that it ended that way because I gotta say there was a lot of exposition and not a lot of action. Any comic that ends with a person punching Hitler in the face is quite something. I didn’t want to read #2 basically the whole time I was reading this comic book but now I feel I must.

Did she knock him into another dimension, doe?

Author: Comic Book Bitch

Comedian and comic book enthusiast.

One thought on “America #1”

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